We all love our spouse (’til death do us part, right?), but these funny tweets hit home all too well. In 140 characters or less, these tweets truly capture #MarriedLife. Scroll down to read some of our favorites.
1.
https://twitter.com/_MelissaDela/status/942635293596725248
2.
My wife and I disagree about when the proper time to open Stockings is. Yet we still make it work. Mostly because I've compromised and done it her way while accepting that she is fundamentally wrong. #Marriedlife
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 12, 2017
3.
https://twitter.com/jtreichleauthor/status/942799232062418944
4.
https://twitter.com/Muffin_Chips/status/942745220520738816
5.
https://twitter.com/staceyleah74/status/942748042964242432
6.
https://twitter.com/annaE_125/status/942263633211478016
7.
Hubby has lost his hat, he knows I didn't like it so I am now the prime suspect in deliberately losing it, I tolerated the monstrosity for over a year #MarriedLife
— Dr EM (@PankhurstEM) December 17, 2017
8.
I can hear the desire burning in my husband's voice as he purrs into the phone's receiver, "Yes. Yes, I will upgrade to the stuffed crust."#SunWIP #amwriting #WIP#MarriedLife #wifelife#wifie #humor #pizza
— K Kibbee (@K_Kibbee) December 17, 2017
9.
Legit trying to wrap these presents as quick as I can to avoid criticism from Ally. She already walked in once and said, “ARE YOU SERIOUS??” #marriedlife
— Julie Blonien (@FYCF_Feevah) December 16, 2017
10.
“I probably have the least amount of pimples of anyone you know.”
— Marissa 💚💛🌱 (@michimama75) December 15, 2017
-How I flirt with my husband to keep the magic alive#marriedlife
11.
My son loves being called “my first born”. My wife HATES being called “my first wife”. I must remember to keep that straight. #Marriedlife
— Mike Norman (@altruist7717) December 12, 2017
12.
https://twitter.com/andylassner/status/943146077028474880
13.
My wife just accused me of purchasing the bad kind of broccoli. I was pretty sure that was implied when she asked me to buy broccoli.#MarriedLife
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 17, 2017
14.
My husband is deadass changing our online banking password til after Christmas so I can’t look at the statements and see where my presents came from 😂😩 That’s dedication #MarriedLife #MerryChristmas #christmas
— eri p (@eripryor) December 14, 2017
15.
The fact that my wife didn't pack up my twin toddlers and make the hour drive at 6:30 am to pick me up from my return flight from the Hawaiian trip she didn't get to go on really makes me question how committed she is to this relationship.#MarriedLife
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 9, 2017
16.
The road to hell is paved with Legos…. just assuming.#Dadlife #Parenting
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 17, 2017
17.
Wife: You know what sounds good? Fountain pops!
— Jimmy McNeilus (@trashcanpasta) December 10, 2017
Me: Yeah, but I don't really want one that bad.
Anyway, I'm off to go get fountain pops. #MarriedLife
18.
It really turns me on when husbters takes initiative and updates our shared Google Doc #MarriedLife
— ~ e 🌺 (@PurpleKibby) December 7, 2017
19.
Today my wife watched #Coco without me. I feel so betrayed. #MarriedLife
— Carlos Brodit (@carlosbrodit) December 6, 2017
20.
Husband: Would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?
— Jenny Nordbak (@JennyNordbak) December 6, 2017
Me: Like a real date where we leave the house…together…without the baby?
Husband: Yep.
Me: As long as I don't have to wear real pants. #marriedlife
21.
https://twitter.com/Mr_Kapowski/status/794634411803176960?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
22.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"
[real life]
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"
23.
Waiting for him to figure out why I'm upset pic.twitter.com/5ChPGXzHQ0
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 17, 2016
24.
It's Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2016
Just kidding.
We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet paper.
25.
keeping our marriage fresh/exciting via texts pic.twitter.com/XB3dktiSnA
— Jeff (@usedwigs) January 16, 2016
26.
Not to brag, but my husband just came back from shopping for my birthday gift, and he was carrying a Rite Aid bag.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 30, 2016
27.
https://twitter.com/iwearaonesie/status/767890076609220608?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
28.
Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
29.
wife: Do you think you'll ever stop quoting "Gangsta's Paradise"?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 21, 2015
me: The way things are going I don't know
30.
Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
— keith (@tchrquotes) February 28, 2015
Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco…
Me: I'll have 9 tacos.
31.
https://twitter.com/_troyjohnson/status/604040895344840706?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
32.
[Watching the dog sleep]
— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) July 9, 2016
Wife: Why don't you ever look at me like that?
33.
When you're married, 90% of a Friday night is asking "Do we have to go to this?"
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 5, 2016
34.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) December 31, 2015
35.
My husband turned off the AC to open the windows and "let the fresh air in" and now our marriage is in serious jeopardy.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 15, 2016
36.
My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I'm reading in bed.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) August 6, 2016
37.
https://twitter.com/1MeLrO/status/646324697588592642?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
38.
Hey guys, if your wife says she's at home doing laundry, she's lying. She's at Target, they're all at Target, literally right this minute.
— BornHusky (@dlockw21) December 16, 2015
39.
My son asked me what marriage is like so I yelled at him for not bringing out the garbage. He said I never asked him to. I rolled my eyes.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 25, 2016
40.
https://twitter.com/ange_spange/status/698981253316546560?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
41.
[in bed]
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) November 6, 2016
Me: hey, did you grab my butt
Wife: yeah sorry, I was looking for the remote
42.
I wish there was more trust in my marriage like where I could buy produce without my wife inspecting it like she's appraising a diamond.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 2, 2016
43.
Husband: What are you upset about?
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) August 18, 2016
Me: nothing
H: ok phew. I wanted to head to bed but you looke-
M: except everything
H: oh
44.
How to fold laundry like me:
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 6, 2016
1) Fold it in half.
2) Fold it in quarters.
3) Put it on the pile
4) Watch as my wife angrily refolds it.
45.
https://twitter.com/kateb861/status/690608962157281280?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
46.
Husband secretly lowers the thermostat & I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 13, 2016
Marriage is fun.
47.
me [about to put my head on my pillow]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 28, 2016
wife: Can you do me a favor before you lay down?
48.
I need you to be spontaneous. Be predictable. I need intimacy. Give me my space. Load the dishwasher. Not like that.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) November 3, 2016
-marriage
49.
Like watching a fly trying to find an open window, only its my husband looking for something in plain sight.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) September 5, 2016
50.
*wife wonders where I am*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 28, 2016
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Which one is your favorite? Let us know in the comments below!
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