Five Lines That Will Strike Fear In Any Mother’s Heart

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All mommies have their hang ups and fears.  The following are lines that have fallen from the mouths of my own babes and have effectively traumatized me probably for the rest of my life.

“Mom my head itches”

If you have ever weathered a lice outbreak then you probably have to pour a drink just to read on.  Nothing will drive up mom’s anxiety like finding a little creepy bug skittering across their darling’s scalp.  My daughter had lice in second grade and it was the most physically and exhausting two weeks of my life…and I have birthed four kids.  To treat, wash and check a houseful of heads take hours a day…I don’t even have the time to brush my teeth some days!  Then there is the washing.  Oh PLEASE can I do even more laundry every single day.  How about an entire houseful of sheets and pillowcases?  Vacuum the mattresses every morning?  Sounds like fun to me!  With all the modern medicine and technology we have these days how can we NOT have a way to eliminate these little nuisances from planet Earth.

“Mom I wet the bed.”

We currently have two kids out of the bed wetting stage and two still in diapers so I am enjoying this lull in the midnight pandemonium that is pee-pee sheets.  You tear them off the bed, march them down the stairs and toss them into the laundry.”  You change the sheets, wash the spot on the mattress and turn around to lumber back to your bedroom only to run smack into the three year old standing behind you.

Damn.

Wash the kid, change the kid, lay with the now very awake kid, pray they do not pee the bed for at least another three days.

“Mom where do babies come from?”

Please excuse mommy while she hyperventilates into this paper bag darling.  Last year my oldest child did an extensive report on the Tiger for a school project, lots of reading and watching nature films.  This resulted in her firm belief that babies came from Heaven…and tigers gave birth out of their butts.   Ummmmmmmm.  We had to clear some things up for her.

“All mammals have what is called a live birth… sooooooo the babies come out of vaginas”  Please please PLEASE let this be the end of it I thought.

“MOM!  I am a mammal!”  She was putting the pieces together way to fast for mommy.

“Yes you are dear.  Babies come out that way…  Don’t worry though the doc will give you oodles of meds and you won’t feel a thing”  I rambled away at my poor little lady…the child who can not even stand to get a flu shot because of the pain.

The conversation didn’t go further than that thank GOD, but I know it is only a matter of time before I am explaining menstruation and the birds and the bees to my girl.  Can someone out their please write script for this conversation and I’ll just read it to her?

“Honey I am working late tonight.”

Please sweet Jesus no!  It has taken every fiber in my being to make it until 4 pm, and homework, sports, dinner, bath and bed are STILL battles to be had.  This type of text message bring tears to my eyes and the bottle to my mouth.  This is the longest shift in a stay-at-home mom’s life!  When you know that relief is not going to walk through that door anytime soon, you just want to lay on the kitchen floor in the midst of dinner remnants, dog hair and dirt and wait for death…but you cannot…because you are mom.

“Mom I can’t find my ______!!!”  – said as you are walking out the door.

Soccer cleats, swim cap, homework, flipping brain… it doesn’t matter.  As soon as mom is whipped into a psychotic frenzy and already late this line will come screeching out of her child’s mouth.  Never mind the four THOUSAND times you told your kid to find and pack his ______!  Without fail he or she will ignore you, you will become busy with a million other pressing matters and right at the exact moment that you have had your fill of your parental sh*t and are walking out the door…this line will tumble out.  It is a complete recipe for disaster and my personal demise as a mother at least three times a week.

“Mom I have a weird rash.”

Nope, nope and nope.  I am ignoring you and pretending that you didn’t just say that.  Darn rashes.  In my house they are rarely a simple case of dry skin.  We have had the dreaded poison ivy, Impetigo, Ring Worm, Severe Exema…but BLESS YOU MODERN MEDICINE NOT THE CHICKEN POX.

The following lines receive an honorable mention because they have never actually ruined my life…yet.  I am pretty sure that if I ever hear any of my children speak them I will simply curl up into a fetal position on the kitchen floor and cry.

Honorable Mentions…

“Mom I signed you up for the classroom party…and it is today.”  Don’t you dare kid.  I need at least two months of advanced notice so that I can spend countless hours surfing Pinterest and identify the perfect treats and crafts for your classroom party.  Pinterest has upped the room mom game to epic proportions. I can no longer deal.

“Moooooom!  I can’t find my hamster!”  I lost my hamster Mario when I was nine.  We assumed that he got loose and died…two weeks later we found it living under the living room couch with a pile of pilfered dog food.  We have guinea pigs… I live in a permanent state of anxiety and fear over rogue rodents now.

“Mom I can’t get the dog to move.”  I think having pets is a lovely experience for kids…so we have a dog, two cats and two guinea pigs.  I didn’t really think this whole thing through all the way to having to ever deal with a pet death.  My kids are extremely attached to the animals in our home.  I am sure when the dog dies we will all be in therapy.

I remember when my dog died…on the back porch…tied to his leash.  My mother abruptly and randomly sent us over to the neighbors house to play.   We didn’t exactly know what was happening at the time but now that I am a mom I will bet you ANY amount of money that she spent the next few hours frantically calling my father on our landline and smoking a whole bunch of Virginia Slims that summer day. Ewwww (to the dog…not the smokes.)

There it is friends.  Lines that will make mommy cower in the corner and beg for mercy.  I can NOT even imagine which lines the moms of tweens and teens might add to this list.

Shudder.