Hilarious (and Horrible) Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

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We’ve all heard ’em, and some we even believed when we were little. And now that we’re parents, we may or may not have told a few of ’em.  TeamJimmyJoe and Ebaumsworld polled users to see what lies they heard from their parents growing up. Here are some of the best ones:

1. “Chuck E. Cheese is only for birthday parties. You have to be invited to one to go there.”

2. “My mom told me that if I ate raw cookie dough I’d get worms.”

3. “When I was little, my dad told me that if I burped, farted, and sneezed at the same time I would turn inside-out.”

4. “They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.”

5. “They don’t give you ketchup at the drive-thru.”

6. “My dad told me that oil spots on the street were little kids that got run over because they didn’t hold anyone’s hand while crossing the street.”

7. “My Grandma said, ‘If you wander off, the boogie man will kill you and make sausages out of you.”

8. “My parents got me to eat calamari by telling me they were Italian Onion Rings.”

9. “When we went to the store my mom used to tell me, ‘Every time you touch something akitten dies.”

10. “No, this isn’t a brownie. It’s a protein bar filled with lots of fiber and spinach. You wouldn’t like it.”

11. “I told my kids that if they didn’t behave in the drive-thru line, they’d get a Sad Meal.”

12. “My mother told me that when earthquakes happens, our planet is fighting with another planet. I believed that until the second grade.”

13. “When I was little, my dad told me that Pulp Fiction was a documentary on oranges because he didn’t want me to watch it.”

14. “People get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, my Dad would say, ‘Careful now, I have to think you are up over 9,000 by now.’ That would shut me right up.”

15. “My dad told me that pushing the seat recline button on an airplane helps the plane take off, and that if not enough people push it the plane would crash.”

16. “My grandmother told my mother that the left boob is for regular milk and the right boob is for chocolate milk. My mom believed this until she was in high school and took sex ed.”

17. “Oh no, this isn’t Cola! This is black water, you wouldn’t like it.”

18. “My dad used to tell me that Santa was tired of milk and cookies, and I’d get extra toys if I left Doritos and a beer. That went on for years.”

19. “Every time you lie, the baby Jesus gets diarrhea.”

20. “My dad told me that if I swallowed chewing gum my poops would bounce up and down in the toilet. I cried when I swallowed some gum.”

21. “If the ice cream truck is playing music, it means they have run out of ice cream.”

22. “I’m your mother, I would never lie to you.”


H/T: PazooFeatured Image courtesy of Ebaulmsworld

What are some lies your parents have told you, or you tell your kids? Tell us in the comments below!