My Toy Sh*t List: Toys I Would NOT Mind Watching Burn

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Friends,

I am so sick of toys. Toys are EVERYWHERE. They find their way into every single room in this house, they are in my car, they are scattered throughout our yard.  They go missing at random and cause epic meltdowns. The break twelve seconds after I remove them from the package. Toys are the enemy…yet I keep on buying them. I mean, that’s what we parents do right? I am starting to rethink my whole toy approach after watching Hazel play with an emergency tampon at the pool for TWO HOURS the other day. Really Hazel??? Anyhoo, here is my list of toys that I wouldn’t mind seeing burn.

1. Train tables. See post “Why I hate Train Tables.” These bastards got their very own post.

2. Shopkins. What even are these??? Oh, you lost your 3 centimeter tall baseball Shopkin and you would like me to stop doing seven hundred things so that I can tear apart the house looking for it? Bwahahahahahahahaha! Mom gives zero f***s about baseball Shopkin or ANY Shopkin for that matter. I look forward to sucking those destroyers-of-sanity up with my vacuum. Sorry not sorry.

3. Lego sets. So let me get this straight. First, I get to pay fifty bucks for a Lego set. Then I get to sit on the floor and do 99% of the work while you whine at me and tell me that I am doing it all wrong. Finally, I will dismiss you from my presence and devote hours to creating this Lego wonderland only to have you break it and lose half the pieces and instructions within 24 hours?!? You have got to be kidding. Who invented this hell???

4. American Girl dolls. To the creators of American Girl. I hate you with the burning intensity of one million suns. My multiple daughters NEEEEEEEED their bevy of dolls to own shoes and accessories that cost more than mine do. At one point I found myself spending more time combing the dolls’ hair than my own children’s’ hair! We have recently taken out a second mortgage on the house so that we can purchase your merchandise. The dolls aren’t even that cool! Really, you think too highly of yourselves.

5. Monster High Dolls. I hate them, but I hate less them because they are cheap a.f.  and my girls actually use them. They are creepy twigs with heads. Can we talk about distorted body image? Gross things. The hands come off all of the time!  I can never find them. I spend a ton of time looking for Monster High hands along with those damn Shopkins. When I do find them it is usually while I am vacuuming, and my love of sucking up toys with the vacuum cleaner overpowers my need to pick the Monster High hands off of the floor. Everybody loses.

6. Stuffed animals. These guys are the horniest toys around. They have to be because they multiply like crazy. I find myself feeding them to our dog Queso Cheese Monster, he too loves stuffed animals. Sorry kids, Queso ate your monkey. Blame him.

7. Rounding out the list we have musical instruments. Yes, they are enriching. Yes, it’s cute when your kids make up their own band and entertain relatives for the holidays. There is just one problem. They are loud. My kids are loud enough without them!  Please bang on a keyboard, shake your tambourine and do whatever the hell it is you’re doing with that accordion.No really, mommy loves it. NOPE. Mommy wants to lock herself in the garage and drink all of the beer that daddy hides out there. (Yeah I know all about the secret beer stash Sam. Try harder next time. Perhaps try the laundry room…God knows you never step foot in there.)

There it is kids. Now let us combine our bitchy mom forces and add to this list.

This article has appears on Four Princesses and the Cheese and Sammiches and Psych Meds