“Sleep When Your Baby Sleeps” and Other Advice We’re Tired of Hearing

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I never realized how many parenting experts I knew until I had a baby. As a new mom, there’s no shortage of people ready and willing to teach me all their tricks. I tend to hear the same advice over and over again (despite not asking for any of it). I know people mean well, but I have to say, not many of those oft-repeated parenting cliches actually work for me. So I’ve taken it upon myself to update some of the classics.

Stop me if you’ve heard these before:

Sleep when your baby sleeps. Unless your house is so dirty the authorities might be called. In that case, clean it. Oh, and when was the last time you showered?

Put your baby down to sleep drowsy but awake. Repeat 70 times per night if necessary (which it will be).

Never wake a sleeping baby. Check to see if they’re still breathing every 5 minutes instead.

Get your baby on a schedule. If you calmly explain to your infant why they need one, they’ll listen. Babies are totally capable of seeing reason.

Remember that the days are long but the years are short.Not that time really means anything when you’re in the midst of an exhaustion induced delirium.

Don’t worry about whose kid slept through the night first, crawled sooner, or walked the earliest. It’s not a competition. And besides, your kid is cuter.

Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to be the perfect parent. Your kid is probably just going to grow up and stick you in a home someday anyway.

See, all those cliches needed to work was just a little dose of reality. Now who’s the parenting expert?