Taking a tiny risk

Hello internet world!

Well, I’ve been subscribed to Red Tricycle for a couple years now (my son is about 27 months old) and this new opportunity to do some writing really spoke to me. (Ha, get it? Spoke? Because the site is called Red Tricycle Spoke?! Hee hee.)

When my son was born, I suffered from post-partum depression. I wrote a couple private journal entries on a website called Penzu in an effort to help myself feel better. Eventually the bumpy road smoothed out a bit and I stayed away from Penzu because I didn’t want to be reminded of that horrible time. I recently went back and re-read the entries and have been debating sharing them/making them public somehow. I am by no means a tech-savvy gal, but when I got the email from Red Tricycle, I figured it was a sign. I feel like it’s risky to post such intimate emotions all over the internet but at the same time, if this did end up reaching anyone and helping someone feel not-so-alone, then it’d be worth it (as cheesy as that sounds). So here goes; the following is my online journal entry post from Saturday, April 12th, 2014.

Question of the night: how much longer am I going to feel this way? I’ve heard of women suffering from post-partum depression for YEARS. Seriously? Knowing my luck, I’m gonna be one of those women. It’s already been 9 weeks. And every time I think I’m better, I have a horrendous day and take 5 million steps backwards.

I feel so sorry for Jeremy having to put up with this. It’s a pain for ME, I can’t even imagine how much of a pain it must be for him. To have your wife randomly crying for no reason at all. Awesome. And I feel sorry for Jack. I don’t think this will permanently affect him, but it can’t be a good thing that I’m sobbing sometimes while I’m taking care of him.

I have so many awful feelings and I would really really like for them to go away. I feel guilty (for not liking being a mom, for not being normal, for not getting more crap done around the house, for crying for no reason…), I feel mad (why me? And I know it’s useless to ask that question but still.), I feel sad, upset, frustrated, lonely, stupid.. I could probably come up with more.

I have the same useless thoughts over and over again. I wish we never decided to be parents. Oh my gosh, I’m a horrible person for wishing this. I wish things could be the way they were before, with just our kitties. Any time I feel  like I may have a grasp of this and may be able to accept and live life this way, my brain completely hates me and decides that I’m not capable.

If I’m not mentally healthy enough to handle life now, how can I handle it when I go back to work? How can I even think about getting a different job when I can’t even do my resume without freaking out? What the hell is wrong with me?

And I feel like such a bitch thinking like this when I know that I’m incredibly fortunate to have this life. I’m all sad because I have a kid all of a sudden? I know there’s people out there who would kill to have a kid but can’t for some reason. I’m all upset cuz I hate my job but don’t think I’m strong enough to handle getting a different one? I know there are people out there who would kill for a job.

But then again, it’s probably been like 5 years or something since I’ve seriously wanted a new job. And I’m obviously not very gung-ho about taking my life into my own hands and actually doing something about it. I just bitch and complain. And cry, apparently.

Is there any possible way I can make money just by being myself? I don’t foresee myself being completely rid of this anxiety/depression any time soon and how am I going to live my life?

I realize that I’m just having a (very) bad day/night and that I could very well wake up tomorrow feeling fantastic. It’s so unpredictable. That’s what makes me so nervous about a new job.

Ugh. I feel gross.

The thought occurs to me that I’m a lot more likely to get support and/or maybe even life opportunities if I actually make this public. But that means basically screaming to the world that I’m unhealthy. And I know that I’m not abnormal and there are other people out there who feel the same way I do, but I’m not sure I want to completely open myself up in an attempt to not feel so alone. It’s super risky.. but then I guess a lot of things are super risky, right? Like working on my damn resume? I guess that’s not risky, just dumb. I’m just dumb cuz I can’t even figure out Word.

Ugh. What am I going to do with my LIIIFFFEE? I have a child now so whatever I do, I have to do it for him. I’m responsible for him. Somehow that doesn’t change the fact that I’d sometimes rather just put him on Jeremy and go hide in bed though.

Man. Apparently I can just write and write (type and type) about how crappy I’m feeling…

I forgot to take a shower. I am disgusting.

And see? I have all these negative thoughts that I KNOW are only making my situation worse, but I have them anyway. There’s like a constant battle in my head and one side (the very very strong side) always wants to feel blue. The normal side of my head sometimes seems to get stifled by the blue side, no matter how hard I try. It’s literally out of my control. It’s crazy. And stupid.

And thus concludes my rather long vent! My whole hope is that someone will read this and realize that they are not alone in their feelings. When I wrote that, I felt horrible because I thought I was the only one to think that way. And in my years of dealing with depression and anxiety, I have learned that one of the things that helps me most is the validation that I am not alone.

Amanda Muller

Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Hello readers! My name is Amanda and I am the very proud mommy of an adorable little boy. I am a stay-at-home mom living in Oregon dealing with depression and a serious chocolate addiction. I am a mom, wife, daughter, friend, sister, and (most importantly) sparkly person.