The Sharp Knife of a Short Life: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Three years ago, I had no idea this month existed and now I live with the reality of loss. Having my son Thomas 18 months ago was the best thing that has happened to me in my 35 years on this planet. However, it doesn’t lift the grief that I have for losing his brother.

While I know this is a popular topic this month among the loss moms, I’d like to address it myself as well since its a topic very close to my heart. These are the top 5 things I’ve learned in the last three years and thoughts or suggestions for those who love us.

Time doesn’t heal anything. Grief is a pain that never goes away. It just feels …different. Having subsequent children doesn’t “make it all better” it just helps us get through the bad days by having a ray of sunshine to light our world. Anxiety can be through the roof for a long time, if not forever. If we sound like a crazy person, please don’t tell us we’re crazy. We know it already. We don’t need reassurance. Listen to us and our fears or worries and acknowledge we’re doing the best we can for our living children.

Anniversaries are the WORST! Sometimes (in my case especially), events leading up to the baby’s death are tough as well. IE. Date you found out you were pregnant, first time you felt the baby move, whatever… Text/call/email/PM on Facebook if you know any of these milestones because we’re surely in a bad state of mind that day. Tell us you love us and you love our child and miss him/her too. It means a lot. Really… a lot. Sometimes we can be bitter. Do you really blame us for it though? We mean well but sometimes that forked tongue just shoots out. If we say something snarky please don’t think we hate you or your children because we don’t. Grief is evil sometimes and takes over you uncontrollably.

The loss community is one that no one willingly signs up for. None of us want to be a part of it, yet here we are. We’re living it, breathing it….but surviving it.

Kate Payne

Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I'm a 30 something from the Chicago suburbs. Wife to a police officer, infertility and loss warrior, and mom to an only Earthly child Thomas. I love photography, coupons, a great bargain, reading/writing, crafts and coffee....lots of coffee!