Your sweet angel is calling you “Bro” and dapping you up with skibidi toilet rizz, or begging you to buy them a $30 sheet mask made with ingredients harvested by happy nuns. Or both? Middle schoolers contain multitudes. Like us, they can be emotional, withdrawn, obnoxious, smelly. The years between sixth and eighth grade are often tumultuous for kids and parents alike, so don’t worry if you feel totally lost.
“Middle school parents can feel adrift. Suddenly you don’t know how to be useful to your child, because it seems like they don’t want you there,” says Phyllis Fagell, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and author of Middle School Matters.
The good news is that they do want you there and they do need you (most of the time)—just in new and evolving ways. Your kid may act, look, sound, and even smell different, but don’t worry, they’re in there. “If there’s anything I want to underscore, it’s that middle schoolers need their parents just as much, if not more, than when they were younger.” Here are six ways you can stay connected to your tween.
1. Create clear boundaries and stick to them.
As parents, we should be prepared to adapt existing rules as our children grow while still enforcing the ones that keep them safe. Yes, they will get mad at you, and puberty has a way of turning up the heat on arguments. “One thing you really don’t want to do is match their intensity and irritability,” says Fagell. “You’re the steady thermostat and they can be the thermometer, going up and down.”
Your kid will (and should!) have more freedom, whether that means getting a phone, heading off to school on their own, or navigating and choosing more complex relationships. “Kids in middle school crave autonomy and independence. They want to know that people see them as the experts in their own lives,” Fagell explains. “Anything that has to do with school, extracurriculars, or friendship, let them take the lead,” assuming it’s not a safety concern.
She stresses that it’s good to let them show that they can be responsible—but when they abuse those privileges (and trust us, they will), it’s time to hold your boundaries and take away some of their independence. Over time, this teaches them how to set their own boundaries, stick with them, and respect the expectations of others.
2. Model being a good person, not a perfect one.
Perfectionism is on the rise among young people as they feel pressure to get good grades, succeed at the right extracurriculars, and become strong and well-rounded college applicants, even in middle school.
“Based on the conflict I see when working with families, sometimes parents will be frustrated that their kids aren’t trying or that they’re lazy, and there’s so much going on that has nothing to do with laziness,” says Fagell. “It might be a lack of executive functioning skills, which people always tend to overestimate in children. It might be that they’re afraid of failure, or that they don’t know how to admit that they don’t know what they’re doing.”
Messing up and owning your mistakes in full Technicolor glory for your middle schooler to see is a good way to prove that perfectionism isn’t it. Losing your cool can be a teachable moment. Which brings us to the next point: failure.
3. Give them lots of freedom to fail.
Look, nobody wants their kids to fail, but learning how to deal with and accept failure is a skill every human needs. It’s crucial that parents don’t put their anxieties onto their kids. “This is the absolute best time for kids to learn that they can regroup from failure and steer themselves in a new direction,” says Fagell.
Talk about your expectations and theirs, because as parents we need to help them see things more realistically. Fagell recommends documenting progress—whether for sports, arts, or academics—to give your kid concrete proof of improvement. “A lot of kids might say something like, ‘I’m not athletic’ or ‘I’m not good at science,’ but they don’t have a lot of experience or perspective. They don’t recognize that they can get better.” So nip self-defeating talk in the bud.
4. Allow them to decide what types of affection they like.
That “Bro” and dap up we mentioned earlier? That’s the same as a hug. Leaning their head on your shoulder briefly when they’re tired? That’s snuggling. A joyous high-five after a big win? That’s affection. That’s not to say that hugs, kisses, or full-body couch cuddles are over, but they may decrease at a rate that your heart’s not ready to accept.
“You have to let them lead the way and hear them when they want space, but you also do not have to stop encouraging hugs,” says Fagell. After all, hugs release those positive oxytocin vibes (a.k.a. the love hormone) and help kids regulate when they’re stressed.
5. Teach them about healthy relationships and digital safety.
“Talk about values, respect, good and bad touch, social cues, and consent when they’re younger so they have that foundation,” says Fagell, who reminds parents that consent isn’t just about sex. Relationships, romantic and platonic, can be difficult to navigate at any age. When you add puberty, increased privacy, personal phones, and social media to the mix, you’ve got a recipe for potential disaster.
Helping kids to navigate the digital aspect of relationships is crucial, and it’s helpful to naturally weave these subjects into regular conversation. “It could be just talking to them about posting a picture online without the person’s consent or about how a social media interaction made them feel,” says Fagell. “They do need guidance in that area, and you want to make sure that they’re being safe online and treating others right.”
That being said, they’re going to mess up sometimes, and Fagell suggests doing spot checks on their activity from time to time, but in a transparent way (fight the urge to be sneaky!). You can also sign a digital contract with your middle schooler that spells out your expectations and consequences.
6. Do the sweet acts of service (even if they seem too juvenile!).
One day you won’t be there to do all the little things for your kids, but today is not that day! Showing people you care doesn’t always mean physical affection, and as we’ve learned, affection evolves anyway. Try low-effort acts of service: Say I love you with freshly washed sheets or I see you by cutting an apple the way you’ve cut them since they called them ‘bapples.’ They’ll appreciate it with a “Thanks bro.” No cap. (Quick final tip: learn the slang, it’s fun.)
