“I’m so stupid.” “Everyone hates me.” “I’m the worst soccer player in the world.” How upsetting is it to hear your kid say something so mean about themselves? As parents, we do everything we can to help our littles feel happy and confident, but so many of them will still go on to have times when they’re their worst critics. It’s so tempting to jump in and tell them “You’re brilliant,” “Everyone loves you,” and “You’re literally the best soccer player I’ve ever seen,” but experts would stop you right there. So when kids start engaging in negative self-talk and berating themselves, what’s a parent to do?
“It’s such an important question,” says Claire Lerner, a therapist and parenting expert in the Washington, DC, area. “Knowing how to respond in the most sensitive and effective way is totally dependent on understanding what the child is actually communicating.”
In these moments, kids rarely mean exactly what they say, says Lerner, so parents need to figure out what’s actually going on. After three decades working with families, here are her best tips to help you decode your kiddo’s negative self-talk and build up their confidence.
Put on your listening ears
When your kid starts beating themselves up about making mistakes on a math test or missing a goal at their soccer game, it’s tempting to argue with them about how great they are.
“What you want to say is, ‘Oh my God, but you got three goals! You’re amazing. You’re the best!’ but that’s not where their head is,” says Lerner. In the heat of the moment, your kiddo isn’t open to learning and will feel like you’re arguing with their feelings, not their logic.
Related: 7 Things Not to Say (Or Do) to a Pissed-Off Kid
“First, you have to totally lean in and ask them how it felt,” she says. “Don’t judge, don’t correct, and don’t school them.” You can respond by saying, ‘Wow, those are big feelings,’ to let them know that they aren’t alone and that you aren’t uncomfortable with their negative emotions.
Help your kid reflect
Once you’ve validated their experience, you can start to subtly challenge their irrational thinking. But first, always ask your kid if they’re OK with you sharing what you noticed. If they agree, offer your perspective on the situation.
In the soccer example, say something like, ‘I saw a kid who was working unbelievably hard and never gave up. I also saw a team player who knew when to pass the ball so someone else could score.’
Related: The Only 2 Things to Say to Your Kid After a Game
In another instance, a first-grader might be down on themselves about their messy writing. You could say something like, ‘You know, I’ve been working on my handwriting for over 30 years. That’s 29 more years of practice than you. Learning anything new means making a lot of mistakes.”
If they’re worked up about something they can’t change, like their height or the fact that they have ADHD, explain to them that these features don’t define them.
Assess what they need
For some kids, all that’s needed is a listening ear and a hug, but others need a bit more.
The kid who thinks they’re a soccer failure might need some help seeing the bigger picture. It’s so hard for them to understand that we all fail sometimes, even if we’re good at something; they just don’t have the life experience. In this case, you could flip on YouTube and show your kiddo some videos of professional players missing goals, or share a story from your childhood when you didn’t play as well as you’d hoped.
But if you’re turning off the lights after a two-hour bedtime routine and your kid blurts out, “No one loves me,” you’ll probably respond very differently. “Sometimes a child will use negative self-talk because you’re setting a limit they don’t like,” says Lerner. “Kids are incredibly clever and, even by the age of three, they’ve sussed out relationships and what triggers you and might get you to change your mind.”
In this case, your kid may be angling to stay up later and knows how to keep you talking. On the other hand, if you’ve just welcomed a new baby and your child is struggling with jealousy, it might be wise to let them stay up a little later and talk about how they’re feeling.
Keep your wallet closed
Has your kid ever told you a lollipop is the only thing that will make them feel better? Or maybe it’s a pack of Pokemon cards? Sometimes, children use negative self-talk to convince their parents to buy them a treat, but resist the urge! It’s our job to teach them healthy ways to express their feelings and allow them to practice sitting with disappointment and frustration. Buying things just won’t help, says Lerner.
Don’t shame or take it personally
If you suspect your kiddo is leveraging their feelings, remember that they’re wired to push limits to get what they want or need. Lerner stresses that it’s not manipulation and parents shouldn’t get angry or feel like it’s personal. “We never want to go to shame because shame is a toxic emotion that erodes a child’s sense of self,” she says.
Instead, empathize with their desire (for the Pokemon cards, staying up late, eating more cookies—whatever) and hold the boundary. But next time they make a negative comment about themselves, respond more neutrally and say, “Tell me more about that.” If the feeling is real, your child will have more to say; if not, they’ll probably struggle to reply and go on strange tangents.
If your kid’s negative self-talk has generally gotten them what they want, it’s time to break the pattern. Stop responding to the provocation, but don’t ignore them. For instance, you might say, ‘I’m going to go into the kitchen and make some salad. I would love a helper to peel carrots,’ Lerner explains: “You want to communicate to your child that ‘I’m here for you and not rejecting you, but I’m not going to keep the dynamic going.’ ”
Reach out to a professional if you’re worried
If your kid’s negative self-talk is more extreme—for instance, saying things like, “I wish I wasn’t born” or “I don’t want to be here anymore”—try not to panic. It’s likely that they’re expressing how much they want their big, uncomfortable feelings to go away, rather than suicidal thoughts.
Related: The Best Response When Your Big Kid Is Experiencing Social Pain
That said, if parents are worried about the potential for self-harm or suicide, Lerner urges them to reach out to a mental health professional.
Focus on supporting, not fixing
“What children need is to be heard, not for you to make it all better,” says Lerner. “They need to see that they’re not alone and know that you’re going to help them work through their feelings, but not going to take them away or try to talk them out of them or minimize them.”
Parents need to remember that negative feelings aren’t harmful to kids—they’re part of being human. We’ve all survived more than a few disappointments in our lives, both big and small. Your ultimate goal is just to help your kiddo work through those difficult feelings and experiences.
