Guess what, parents? Having a child that speaks rudely to you is really common. And no, you’re not a bad parent, it’s just another step in your journey of raising small humans. Good times! What if we told you that the key to mastering the situation isn’t about figuring out why it happens—it’s actually how you respond. In a recent TikTok, Albiona Rakipi, a mom and parenting coach, offers insight into the most effective way to do it.
@theparentingreframe When kids talk back or use rude language it is incredibly triggering. Follow the steps in this video to recognize how it triggers you and the best way to respond. #kidsbacktalk #rudetalk #momsofschoolagekids #momsoftweens #emotionregulationforkids #parentingtips #overwhelmedmom #challengingbehavior
♬ original sound – Albiona Rakipi
Most of us were raised in a home that expected kids to be respectful toward parents and elders; rude talk and talking back was a big no-no. So, when our kids come at us with feisty comments and behavior, we go from calm to irate in seconds without recognizing that we might be triggered. “We’re just biting back. And what ends up happening is our energy matches their energy, and now nobody’s anchored or grounded anymore,” says Dakipi.
As Sarah Conway writes for Mindful Little Minds, “Triggers prevent us from being the parent we want to be, at least in that moment. They rob us of our choice. They cause us to act in a way that eases our emotional discomfort, instead of in the way that is best for our child in the moment. That’s because these responses are usually the result of experiences from our childhoods.”
Rakipi’s four-step process, PARR—pause, acknowledge, respond, and reflect—can help you avoid being a reactive parent. There’s even a 60-minute video you can download for free.
Related: 3 Ways to Respond When Your Big Kid Is Super Rude to You
In the meantime, here’s the breakdown of how PARR can help when dealing with rude kids.
1. Recognize why rude talk triggers you.
After taking a breath or “pausing,” acknowledge that what’s happening might be a trigger. “Do you view yourself as a bad parent if your child talks to you this way? I mean, how could it be that you have a rude child? That must mean you’re not doing a good job. Dismiss all of that. That’s all chatter in your head that isn’t going to lend itself to what your child needs,” Rakipi says.
2. Model boundaries for your child.
Kids aren’t going to learn these skills on their own. And they certainly aren’t going to learn how to be respectful to others during a conversation or confrontation if they don’t see it at home. You need to practice what you preach or so goes the saying. They need and crave boundaries, so make it clear that you do not tolerate rude speech, but do it while calm.
Rakipi gives an example: “I would say, ‘I can tell by the way that you’re speaking to me that you are unhappy, that there is something that doesn’t feel right inside of you. I get that, however, I will not let you speak to me that way. So either we pause until you can remember how to talk to me, or we wait, but I will not talk to you when you’re talking to me like this.’”
3. Don’t get caught up in a back-and-forth exchange.
This one might be the hardest. Don’t get into it with your child when they’re sassy or rude. You have to catch it while it’s happening (see #1 about recognizing triggers), and as Rakipi says, “Don’t take the bait. You don’t want to give severe punishments or consequences here. Just stop it when it happens.”
Will it take time to understand this process and use this response with your kid? Yes. But the results are worth it for you, your child, and your relationship with them in the long run.
