If you’ve ever been lucky in love, you’ve likely experienced first-hand the butterfly flutters in your stomach when you meet your perfect match. While that first rush of physical attraction may fade, relationships that ultimately stand the test of time often share similar qualities that outlast the initial spark. We asked several leading experts to weigh in on the most powerful predictors behind long-term relationship success, and boy, did they deliver.
1. You lead with laughter.
Let’s face it: Life is messy, and laughter is often the glue that keeps things from completely falling apart. If you can laugh so hard that you chuckle-snort and your partner still finds you irresistibly adorable, then your relationship likely is on solid ground. According to Dr. Sara Algoe, professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and director of The Love Consortium, shared laughter is critical in a successful, lasting relationship. “It signals that you see the world in the same way. We found that people who shared laughter felt more connected than those who did not share laughter,” she says.
2. You fight fair.
Think respectful disagreements, not WWE smackdowns. Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned researcher on marital stability and divorce prediction and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, says a couple’s ability to resolve conflict—or their repairing skills—is often the single greatest sign of a healthy relationship. “Our partners don’t always have to think like we think. That’s what makes life interesting—it would be boring to be married to yourself,” says Gottman. Bonus points if you can apologize without making it sound like you’re reciting the alphabet backward. Find out more about Gottman’s work on the 4 Horsemen of Relationships here.
3. You operate as a team.
The over-used aphorism “teamwork makes the dream work” has become something of a corporate cliché, but when it comes to tackling life’s curveballs, couples that operate as a unified team have a higher chance at success than those who only fend for themselves. Andreas Narum, certified psychologist, couples therapist, and founder of Remainly explains, “Good teamwork acknowledges that there are two separate sets of thoughts and feelings.” Whether co-navigating parenting duties or making shared decisions about finances, facing challenges side-by-side and high-fiving each other’s victories along the way make the relationship work.
4. You have fun together.
If everything feels like a chore with your partner, it’s probably a glaring red flag the relationship won’t work out in the long term. According to a study conducted by researchers at Utah State University, “Having fun together can help couples feel positive emotions, which can increase relationship satisfaction, help couples to unite to overcome differences, and give hope when working through difficult challenges.” At the most basic level, a relationship should be fun, and being together should spark joy, not anger or anxiety.
5. You celebrate each other’s wins—big or small.
While jealousy is undoubtedly a relationship red flag, authentic, caring support and encouragement are the love languages of many lasting relationships. “The quality of positive support—reassurance that a partner is loved and esteemed and is capable of taking control of his or her life—is the most crucial factor in the health of any relationship,” says Dr. Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist and founder of The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
6. You make time for each other, even when life gets crazy.
It’s easy for many couples to fall into a rut, especially for those in long-term relationships. In a recently published study, Dr. Samantha Joel, relationship researcher and assistant professor at Western University in London, Ontario, found partners who regularly checked in with each other sustained better relationships in the long term. Think quality date nights, not just Netflix binges on the couch. “When it comes to a satisfying relationship, the partnership you build is more important than the partner you pick,” she says.
7. Honesty and trust are your relationship anthems.
“Trust is the first and perhaps most important predictor of long-term relational success,” says Preston Ni, communications coach and author of How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People. “Ask yourself the following questions: In general, is your partner reliable? Can you count on your partner as the ‘rock’ in your life? What about you for your partner?” The key is to be truthful, even when it’s tough. Trust is the bedrock of any lasting love story, and if you’ve got a partnership that’s founded on honesty, it’s a definite sign of a healthy relationship.
8. You forgive each other.
We all make mistakes, and the ability to forgive can turn a potentially toxic situation into a learning opportunity. “Admitting wrongdoing is a form of vulnerability, and vulnerability is an essential part of building a close relationship,” says Cindy Frantz, professor of psychology at Oberlin College. Instead of holding a grudge (I will never forget what you did in 2012!), let go and move forward.
9. You respect each other’s boundaries.
Instead of thinking of “me” time as selfishness, understand that healthy relationships respect (and even encourage) autonomy, giving each partner the space to breathe and be individuals. “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy,” says Esther Perel, clinical psychologist, and expert on human relationships. “Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”
10. You’re both willing to grow and change.
Much like relationship ruts, comfort zones are easy to fall into and get stuck. A sign of a healthy relationship is when couples understand that learning and evolving are essential components of their relationship journey together. Embracing personal growth and change—both individually and as a couple—ensures that one partner isn’t running far ahead while the other is left behind.
11. You share similar values.
While having different perspectives and opinions is natural in any relationship, sharing core values is essential to the success of a healthy long-term relationship. To navigate decisions big and small—from family planning to what’s for dinner and everything in between—coming to a consensus about what matters is fundamental to all successful relationships.
12. You appreciate the little things.
Whether making coffee in the morning or saying “I love you” more often, recognizing and appreciating small acts of kindness will keep the love tank full. “Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts,” says The Gottman Institute’s Dr. John Gottman.
13. You can always be yourself.
Putting your best self forward early in a relationship may mean smoothing out some of the rough patches of your character. But partners in lasting, loving relationships accept each other as is, flaws and all. “If you’re true to yourself, it is easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships, and that’s going to make your relationship more fulfilling,” says Amy Brunell, professor of psychology at Ohio State University. Embrace your weird and wonderful self—as well as your partner’s unique quirks!
14. You dream about the future together.
Setting future goals and plans and working toward fulfilling them in the future is a powerful, connecting exercise for couples and a sign of a healthy relationship. According to research conducted by Utah State University, dreaming together as a couple can provide extra meaning and bring depth, closeness, and connection between partners. Shared goals and aspirations create a sense of purpose and excitement for what’s to come.
15. You feel safe, loved, and supported.
Research shows people in healthy long-term relationships are 50% less likely to die prematurely than those without them. In terms of life expectancy, living without strong, meaningful relationships is as unhealthy as smoking. Brené Brown, research professor at the University of Houston and author of Dare to Lead, explains, “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all men, women, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.” Ultimately, a lasting relationship is a haven where you can be your true self and know you’re always loved unconditionally.
