Whether you remember your own teen years with a nostalgic smile or can’t help but cringe, this period in a kid’s life is undeniably messy. Parenting a teen is messy, too—especially when your child berates themselves for a missed soccer goal, social gaffe, or bad hair day. It can be hard for a parent to hear, but it’s part of growing up, says Julie Baron, a licensed clinical social worker in Rockville, MD.
“[Adolescence] is a time of self-exploration and identity development,” she says. “Questioning the self, which may present as negative self-talk, is totally normal.” And so is the burning desire to ‘fit in’ with our peers, she adds. For much of human history, social rejection could mean perishing alone in the wilderness, so fitting in was a matter of survival.
But in today’s world, parents want their kids to thrive, not just survive, so here are some pro tips for supporting your teen when they’re engaging in negative self-talk.
Validate their feelings
Instead of trying to make your teen feel better right away, focus on what they’re telling you. “What we have to do first is validate what’s being presented,” says Baron.
Related: The Best Way to Connect with a Tween Without Saying a Word
Listen closely and express empathy to let your teen know their feelings matter to you. Consider saying things like, ‘Ouch, it sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself’ or ‘It seems like this is really upsetting you.’
Be curious
When your teen insists she’s terrible at math and you know she gets straight As, resist the urge to argue.
“When we quickly counter these negative thoughts, we miss the opportunity to really understand where they are coming from,” says Baron. Even worse: our kids may feel like we’re arguing with how they feel.
Instead, hold space for your teen’s big emotions and focus on understanding where they’re coming from. Ask questions like, ‘What made you say that?’ or ‘Did something happen?’ to find out more information.
Help, don’t fix
Resist the urge to try to solve the problem to spare your teen hurt feelings. This is a natural parental reaction, but teens may feel like you’re dismissing how they feel or even uncomfortable with their feelings. It’s not helpful in the long run, either. Baron notes that teens learn to tolerate difficult feelings by sitting with them, not avoiding them.
Related: The Fill-in-the-Blank Sentence That Helps Kids Own Their Emotions
When talking with your teen, consider whether the problem has to do with a skill deficit. For instance, a teen struggling with math might need extra help from a tutor, or a teen with friendship problems may have weak communication skills.
That said, some things are not within your teen’s control—like their height or having ADHD—and must be accepted. Let them vent and remind them that the things they don’t like about themselves do not define them.
Manage your own discomfort
Watching your child struggle is tough, and can also be triggering, but as parents, we need to manage our own feelings, says Baron. Remind yourself that your teen’s struggles will help them develop resilience and that emotional highs and lows are part of growing up.
Big changes happen to the brain during adolescence when the brain’s emotional system, the limbic system, is over-active. Remaining calm when your teen is distressed will help them ‘co-regulate’ and become more calm themselves.
Try not to catastrophize
Take what they’re saying at face value, but don’t assume that the issue is a big deal beyond that particular moment. Instead, watch for patterns by paying close attention to what your kid talks about regularly.
For instance, don’t assume your teen has body dysmorphia if they complain about their thighs once after going swimming, but keep an eye out to see if they speak negatively about their body again or if it becomes a regular occurrence. If your teen mentions the subject frequently, you’ll know it’s worth pursuing.
Seek help if you’re worried
Adolescence is always tricky, but some teens struggle more than others. Marginalized kids, such as those who are LGBTQ or have disabilities, or those experiencing mental illness may have a harder time. If your teen’s negative self-talk seems extreme or makes you worry that they may harm themself, seek help from a mental health professional.
“These statements should never be ignored,” says Baron. Other help is available through the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, Crisis Text Line, and The Youthline. LGBTQ+ and questioning youth can reach out to The Trevor Project, and the Trans Lifelifeline offers support for transgender youth.
