A woman is asking the internet if she’s the one in the wrong for expecting her mother to babysit for free
Another day, another trip to the “Am I the A**hole” subreddit, where today’s viral story has a lot of parents up in arms. A new mom recently posted there, wondering if she’s the a**hole because she expected to get free babysitting from her mother once she went back to work—and boy does the internet have feelings about this one.
“I (29f) asked my mom to help me take care of my newborn so I could go back to work once my leave is up. Mind you, my mom is 64, has been a homemaker/stay-at-home-mom since 1992, and hasn’t been part of the workforce since then,” OP (original poster) wrote. “She refused, saying she’s too old and that she already raised her kids. She also added that if I really wanted this baby, then maybe I should have thought about staying home like she did to take care of it while my partner goes to work and provides for us like a “traditional” family, and that if she and my dad were able to work it out, so can we.”
OP outlines a lot of very relatable issues: she is the higher earner in her family; she and her husband both have debt from student loans, car loans, and credit cards; and they live in a small one-bedroom in a high-cost-of-living city and will need to save to move into an apartment with more space as their baby grows. Plus, you know, the entire childcare system is broken, and parents need universal support so they don’t have to rely on relatives to provide a ton of free labor for them. But anyway.
“When I explained all the above to my mom, she then proceeded to say that she will charge me $20/hr for each hour she takes care of the baby, plus late fees if we are late for pickup, and must provide her with a car seat, stroller, bottles, and pretty much double of everything we have at our home to compensate for taking the baby to her house. She will not step foot in my house for her own personal reasons (she’s come in once, and I’ve lived with my partner for 5 years; she’s a 15 min drive away),” OP wrote.
“I want to save money to bring down our debt, and don’t want to pay her as much nor invest as much in double of everything as it will spiral into more debt for me and my partner. I’m on the fence about enrolling my baby into an infant daycare instead as the cost will overall be lower and a little closer to our home. Due to our jobs, we cannot work from home so we are in desperate need of childcare. Everyone else in our family works full time so they cannot help us as they have a similar 9-5 schedule.”
So basically, OP was planning on using her own mother as free childcare—only she never asked her mom about that before the baby arrived. The internet was pretty swift in delivering its verdict.
One popular comment reads, “Your mother is under no obligation to babysit for you. Why are you having a child you don’t seem to know what to do with? And why have you not worked all this out before now?”
Yet another chimed in, “Holy entitlement, Batman. Your mom is in no way obligated to care for YOUR BABY. It’s generous of her to be willing to do it for pay, and you have the gall to be mad she won’t do it for free? She is entitled to spend her life and free time however the hell she wants. It’s not her fault you’re in debt and decided to have a baby you can’t afford.” Whew.
To be honest, her mother’s “traditional family” dig isn’t particularly helpful; plenty of women have become the breadwinners of their homes, and households where both parents work has become more of a necessity to stay economically afloat. That being said, simply assuming someone will become your go-to childcare provider (just because they’re retired) without so much as a conversation isn’t the move.
The lesson here? Figure out your childcare plans before your baby is born. And support politicians who want to make the system better for parents through universal healthcare, subsidized childcare, tax credits, and other means of easing the financial burden of raising kids.
