If there’s anything parents are known for, it’s worrying. Worrying if the kids are safe, if they’re healthy, if they’re happy—and if their development is on track and they’re keeping up with their peers. But in a viral X (formerly Twitter) thread, a child development expert is urging parents to take a deep breath—and sharing the four things everyone should chill out about when it comes to their kids’ developmental milestones.
I'm a developmental scientist who studies how children grow & learn across cultures. I'm also an American mom who feels the extreme pressure put on parents in the West. I'm here to offer you some parenting ANTI-advice — here are a few things you can worry less about: 1/🧵
— Dorsa Amir (@DorsaAmir) January 16, 2023
Dorsa Amir has been studying children’s growth across cultures for more than a decade. The basic gist of her thread? You can stop worrying so much about teaching your kids because if there’s anything kids do naturally on their own, it’s learn. Here are the four things she suggests you stop stressing about right now.
1. Not everything has to be “educational.”
Nope, you don’t have to worry about your kid constantly learning new things, especially when you’re playing. “It’s truly completely okay (& indeed, good) for kids to play for the sake of play,” Amir explains. “They don’t have to be learning the alphabet or animal noises. They can just do whatever silly thing they want to do. They are ALWAYS learning!”
2. Parents don’t have to feel pressured to teach their kids.
“You don’t have to put pressure on yourself to constantly teach them things. In fact, active & direct instruction from an adult is the rarest form of teaching in human history. Kids know how to learn in other ways — like observation — & they’re extremely good at it,” she writes. “For instance, I went to a little indoor gym class with my toddler & the teacher held up a ball & moved it around so the kids could “learn how to track objects with their eyes”. I cannot stress enough how completely & utterly unnecessary that is. You do not need to teach that!”
3. Don’t worry about entertaining your kids all the time.
Kids should experience boredom, and we should let them, Amir explains. “You do not have to feel obligated to constantly entertain them or provide new activities for them. They should be allowed to generate their own activities & ideas.” If you’d like, you can just be your kid’s boring parent instead of their zany, cartoonish friend. In fact, she says the way Western parents pretend to be kids while playing with their kids is actually quite unusual, so don’t feel obligated to do it.
The same goes for the types of activities you choose to do.
Your life & schedule do not need to revolve 100% around your child’s preferences. Every family member is entitled to their own preferences & all should be considered. Your kids will almost certainly be content tagging along an adult-centered activity, like grocery shopping. 9/
— Dorsa Amir (@DorsaAmir) January 16, 2023
And, side note, that also applies to buying your kids tons of toys. You’re welcome, parents.
You don’t have to buy your children 600 toys. You shouldn’t feel guilty if you do, you shouldn’t feel guilty if you don’t. Kids can play with literally whatever. They have a particular fondness for adult-utilized objects, actually, those function as play objects just fine. 10/
— Dorsa Amir (@DorsaAmir) January 16, 2023
4. Your job isn’t to protect your kiddos from (developmentally appropriate) conflict.
“Kids should be allowed to experience social conflict,” she writes. “They can disagree or argue with their playmates; that’s completely fine & actually very good for them to practice. Let them resolve things if they can, you don’t have to get involved or prevent it from happening.” More generally, it’s not bad to experience negative emotions. It’s actually good for them to see what they feel like and learn to process them. “A childhood that’s entirely carefree & completely devoid of emotional challenges is NOT the goal. It’s good to experience all of life’s nuances.”
In other words, parents, you’re doing just fine. Let this message from Amir be the one you take with you: “One thing that makes humans extra special is high levels of what we call “plasticity” or, the ability to calibrate to a million different ecological, cultural, & social environments. What this means is that there are a million different ways to be human & they’re all valid.” So shed some of that worry and give your little ones the space to find their own way.
