The Tooth Fairy was recently a no-show in my house. Sheesh! Is there anyone we can depend on these days? What a lazy, unreliable, no good, piece of… oh wait, I’m the Tooth Fairy.
My son was devastated. I told him the Tooth Fairy was busy and that sometimes it takes her a few days to show up. I also told him she would add an extra dollar for every day she was late and suggested he request her presence the following Wednesday. That was the guilt talking.
I took to Facebook to admit my crime and discovered I wasn’t alone in the “oops, I did it again” department. It turns out many parents forget about the Tooth Fairy and they come up with all kinds of excuses for her absence:
- She got stuck in traffic.
- She got lost.
- There’s been an abnormally large surge in lost teeth.
- She broke a wing.
- She’s on vacation.
- She was scared off by the dog.
- She’s at a Tooth Fairy Convention.
- The good Tooth Fairy had the night off.
I could go on and on.
The thing I love about the Tooth Fairy is that anything is possible. She doesn’t have strict protocols like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, which leaves plenty of room for nuance and imagination. There are infinite ways to explain her actions—the good, the bad, and the scandalous. She’s an independent woman tiny, imaginary being of human form with magical powers who can make and break the rules whenever, wherever, and however she wants. She’s pretty much my hero, which got me thinking about some more appealing explanations for her occasional frequent absences.
1. She got her period and felt like crap.
2. It was raining, and she just had a keratin treatment.
3. She decided to sell all of her belongs, move into a tiny house, and spend her days making jewelry out of teeth.
4. Digital wallet apps have made her job obsolete.
5. She’s only doing cruise ships these days.
6. She’s on sabbatical studying the history of origami.
7. She’s protesting systematic racism and police brutality against people of color.
8. Her side hustle—selling handmade gender reveal piñatas on Etsy—is proving to be very lucrative.
9. She’s having bunion surgery.
10. Someone gave her Hamilton tickets.
11. Food poisoning. She’ll never eat tuna salad again.
12. She’s in Puerto Rico helping with relief efforts.
13. She’s the new host of the fifth hour of the “Today” show.
14. She was on her way, but when she walked out her front door, she forgot why, so she went back inside.
15. She was binge watching “Stranger Things” ahead of season two and lost track of time.
16. Her phone—and Google Maps—fell in the toilet.
17. She won the lottery.
18. She auditioned for “The Voice” and got three chairs to turn around. (She chose Miley.)
