A grandpa went to Reddit to ask if he’s in the wrong for wanting to “opt out” of being an active grandparent and just focus on his own life
Well, folks. Buckle up, because it’s time to take another journey to Reddit’s “Am I the A**hole” forum, and boy, is it a doozy. In today’s installment, we have a 47-year-old grandpa who is asking the internet if he’s the a**hole for not wanting to be an “active grandparent” after giving up his 20s to raise a son he didn’t want. I’ll just let you read all of this in his words, because, OOF.
“I (M47) have a son Jake (M26) who has his own son Mike (M5). Jake’s mother and I only had a short-term relationship and it was an accidental pregnancy. To be blunt, I never wanted to be a parent, particularly not at 21. However, Jake’s mother did and it wasn’t my decision. Although we have always kept the peace, things have always been icy between us due to that,” he wrote. “However, I always tried to do right by Jake. I would have him every other weekend and for a month during the summer, would do my best to deliver on anything he asked of me, treated him kindly and tried to be a good father. Then at a certain point, his mother married a guy Jake hated and I had him move in with me once he was 13. I won’t lie, I wasn’t cut out to be a parent. I love Jake, but I just hated parenting. I did it anyway since he was my son. We have a very good relationship, and I’ve never shirked any responsibility to him.”
AITA for not being an active grandparent?
byu/Valuable-Builder-733 inAmItheAsshole
He continued, “Jake also became a father at 21. However, he was all for it and is happily married to Mike’s mother. I also got him into my electrician’s union and had him set up on some good jobs. So, he was on much, much better footing than I was for a child. Back then, we had a long talk and I told him ‘Jake, being a parent is a very, very different life. It is hard, exhausting and on a day-to-day basis, you don’t really get to do what you want to do very much. It will be a very long time before you don’t have that kind of responsibility anymore.'”
Here’s where it gets wild.
OP (original poster) wrote, “Then the conversation turned to how I’d help him. I told him no. I am retired from parenting. I am turning back to my own life. He has his own home, union job, is engaged, and adult enough to decide to have a baby. He’s the adult now. He’s the parent. I’ll be around and if there are any emergencies, obviously I’ll do what I can. But I won’t be an ‘active’ grandparent. I’ve largely held to it. I have been doing a lot of travel, I have a GF, hobbies and to be blunt, I’m doing all the things I didn’t get to do in my 20s. Do I see Jake and his family? Yes. However, I rarely agree to babysit. Jake resents that I don’t go to Mike’s games (they tend to conflict with my weightlifting club) and that I’m pretty hands off with Mike.
Things came to a head last week when Mike had a baseball tournament and I refused to go because I had plans to take a scuba class with my GF (which admittedly could be rescheduled). I didn’t tell Jake this, but I spent so many Saturdays bored out of my skull watching little league when Jake was little. I always cheered loudly, was crazy supportive and never let on that it was like watching paint dry. But this is no longer my responsibility.”
He finished the post, “So I told him ‘Jake, I spent 20 years parenting. That’s enough.’ He then yelled at me that I am always jetting around, playing like a teenager and not putting him first. I told him that no, I wasn’t. I did that for 20 years to get him on his feet as an adult. I’ve done that and can go back to prioritizing my own life.”
Wow. Where to even start here?
I mean, at the end of the day, any grandparent is free to choose to have as much or as little involvement in their grandchild’s life as they want—as long as they’re prepared to deal with the repercussions of that choice. That’s what many commenters are pointing out to OP, and it seems like he’s accepted that the result may be less of a relationship with both his grandson and his son, and he’s willing to accept that cost.
“You might not be TA, but you’re ruining your relationship with your son by essentially telling ‘I don’t care about being actively involved in your life, I’ve already done the bare minimum expected of me and I won’t do more.’ Do you want him to go no contact with you? Because that’s the direction this is heading in,” one commenter wrote.
OP replied, “Maybe this will make me the a**hole, but if that’s the price, Ok. I’ve spent 20 years putting Jake first and not really having much of a life. I didn’t get on a plane to Thailand and change my name. I didn’t tell his mom ‘I don’t want to be a father, so if you have a baby, I’ll pay child support but leave me alone.’ If I need to give up the next 20 years, and be Daddy again–no. I’ll only do it once. This time I’m proverbially getting on the plane to Thailand. The price is too high. I’ve done my duty and hung up my parent hat. At this point, yes I am done. I’ve signed up for and took responsibility for Jake. Jake chose to have Mike, well and good. But now he’s the parent. Not me.”
But as many, many commenters are pointing out, in absolutely no way did OP “give up” 20 years of his life to raise Jake. He admits in his post that for the first 13 years of Jake’s life, he had him every other weekend and for a month during the summer. That’s four days of parenting per month, my dude.
“Spoiler alert OP: if you couldn’t have a social life from ages 21-34 because you had to see your kid every other weekend and for 1 month per year it’s not because of your son, it’s because of you,” a commenter wrote.
Another weighed in, “That’s what got me too. Like you didn’t get to live your life because you saw your son four days a month and one month a year? What were you doing the rest of the time? When his mum was doing all the parenting till 13.”
Ultimately, the verdict was the OP is the a**hole. There’s so much more to parenting (and grandparenting) than this—hopefully, this post helps him realize that.
