Kids are the ultimate quick-change artists. One minute everything’s great (you’ve got this parenting thing down) and the next they’re bouncing off the walls or throwing a tantrum to end all tantrums—and they don’t seem to care that you’re at the end of your rope. I know I’m not alone when I say that these are the moments when I really struggle to keep my cool. It’s not easy to stay regulated when your child acts out, but according to parenting expert and mom Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta, it’s super important. In a recent TikTok, she explains why—and offers quick calming tools to use when your kid has totally lost it (and you’re about to do the same).
@drchelsey_parenting ♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta
Hauge-Zavaleta explains that if your kiddo is having a breakdown of any sort, they’re stuck in a loop of dysregulation and don’t know how to get out. They need help from someone to break the cycle—and that person is you. “Your child learns to weather the storms of life by experiencing you literally be their nervous system,” she explains. “When they’re dysregulated, they process less of the actual words that you say, and they take in much more of how you show up: the tone of your voice, how big you look, the wrinkles in your forehead, the speed of your words.”
Related: 9 Ways to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
Our kids need us to be the adults in the room—literally and figuratively. That’s why Hauge-Zavaleta emphasizes the importance of having a mantra, a nurturing tool, something you can do in five seconds to calm your nervous system before you attempt to help your kid. “Your child needs you to show up. They need your nervous system,” she says.
Here are some of her five-second calming tools to use when you need a reset:
Lay on the ground. Yes, the actual ground.
This will activate your proprioceptive and vestibular systems, and assist in sensory regulation—especially in an overwhelming situation.
Wash your hands in cold water.
Temperatures can be a sensory trigger and cold water shocks the nervous system.
Walk like you’re in quicksand.
This will also activate your proprioceptive system and help you regulate.
Chew ice.
Activating your oral senses can help you feel more calm and alert.
Sing a happy song.
Pick a power ballad or a fight song that’ll give you the boost you need to remain calm and handle your child.
Some parents in the comments shared their calming tools. One said, “My mantra is this ‘I got this.’ My kid isn’t giving me a hard time, they’re having a hard time.” Another said, “I focus on deep breathing and counting my breath. I step away for 4-5 seconds down the hallway and come back to restart.”
This is one of the hardest parts of parenting, folks, More than likely, many of us weren’t taught these skills and none of us are born with them. And like Hauge-Zavaleta says, “It’s okay if you mess it up, you will. I mess it up all the time. What matters is that you keep trying, and part of trying is getting a plan together.”
