You’re late getting out the door because your kid refuses to get dressed; dinnertime has dragged on for what seems like hours because your toddler has decided that they do not, in fact, like hamburgers; it’s any given hour of any given day and your kids can’t seem to get along—sound familar? Yup, welcome to being a parent of tiny humans with opinions all their own.
Truthfully, raising kids means you’re going to get pushback on the daily, but what’s important to realize is that how you deal with it can be a game-changer in the behavior zone. In a recent TikTok, parenting expert and mom of three, Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta, offered up some essential but easy advice on how to effectively deal with bad behavior, and we have to say, it’s pretty genius because it’s all about one single word—the word “if.”
@drchelsey_parenting Comment LISTENING1 and I’ll send you my masterclass on getting kids to actually listen!!!
♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta
Dr. Chelsey explains why using the word is poblematic: “’If you don’t eat your dinner right now, there will be no ice cream. If you can’t be nice to your sister, there’s not going to be a play date. If you run away when it’s time to go, I’ll never bring you here again.’ Do you know what these are? They’re threats. They involve a negative. They’re not consequences, boundaries, or anything like that,” she says.
Related: The 4 ‘Magic Words’ That Stop Bad Behavior Better Than Warnings
How does the word “if” act like a threat and create bad behavior?
A negative statement is registered as a threat to young kids. A threat activates the limbic system in your child’s brain. If you’ve heard of the Amygdala, the Thalamus, or the Hippocampus, then you’ve heard of the limbic system. According to the Cleveland Clinic, the limbic system, one of the oldest structures of the brain, helps regulate your emotions and behavior. It’s a human’s emotional nervous system, and it is responsible for “fight or flight” responses.
So, it should come as no surprise that a threat will kick a kiddo’s limbic system into action, and guess what happens next? Big, “bad” behavior. As a parent, if you can avoid this type of response by changing up your vocabulary, wouldn’t you want to give it a try? Hauge-Zavaleta suggests avoiding the negative and going with the positive. “Here’s what to say instead, ‘first dinner, then ice cream. Let’s work on playing with sister. We’ll figure it out.’ You don’t need to tie working on playing with sister to no play dates. Just take a break from play dates. Shine the positive light on playing with sister,” she says.
Lastly, Hauge-Zavaleta emphasizes how important it is to give your kid the language they need to manage the situation and to “use your body, use space, and use your big smile to hold that boundary.”
