This dad’s brutally honest tweets about what life is really like after kids are sparking an important conversation—and more parents need to be having it
Do we have too rosy of a view of what life is like after kids? One dad’s viral tweet thread says so, and parents are applauding him for his brutal honesty about the realities of parenting in the modern age.
Jay Acunzo started his thread by setting the scene: “I just spent 3 days with dear friends, all of whom have kids ages 8mo to 4y. Something I need to get off my chest about being a parent of young kids and the culture we live in.”
I just spent 3 days with dear friends, all of whom have kids ages 8mo to 4y.
— Jay Acunzo (@jayacunzo) July 11, 2023
Something I need to get off my chest about being a parent of young kids and the culture we live in:
He continues on to write that what our culture demands parents share about their kids doesn’t match up with what they’re actually experiencing during parenthood.
“What the culture shares and even demands you share about having kids/being a parent is that it’s precious, it’s a gift, it’s a joy, etc. But this is not what actual parents talk about or how actual parents feel,” he wrote. “Instead…We talked about the fact that our physical + mental health had gotten problematic. Our careers had taken huge hits. Our friendships were drifting. Our relationships with our partners felt strained (one person summed it up as: they’re basically just the other parent I live with). We didn’t sit around writing Hallmark cards to the joys of parenting. We sat around going HO-LEE FORKING SHIRTBALLS this is impossibly hard and every dimension of our life got worse: health, finances, career, love, etc. EXCEPT a new dimension called Loving Our Kids (10/10 great).”
We didn’t sit around writing Hallmark cards to the joys of parenting. We sat around going HO-LEE FORKING SHIRTBALLS this is impossibly hard and every dimension of our life got worse: health, finances, career, love, etc. EXCEPT a new dimension called Loving Our Kids (10/10 great).
— Jay Acunzo (@jayacunzo) July 11, 2023
Acunzo even added that it felt wrong to be so honest. The voice in his head told him to “walk it back” and add caveats like “even though I adore them!”
“But the way the culture talks about parenting is not how actual parents talk about parenting to each other,” he wrote.
And then he made this extremely important point: “Parents ought to be given more permission to say multiple things are totally true at the same time, because we feel ashamed to feel bad about our experiences otherwise. Because yes, we all feel like dogsh*t during the early stages of parenting very tiny kids. Yes, we wish we had more time for ourselves and our work. And yes, kids are the reason why every dimension of our lives took a hit EXCEPT this one amazing new dimension. BUT ALSO…We wouldn’t trade it. We don’t regret it. I routinely drop everything to console or play with them. I would, w/o thinking, take a bullet for them. I’d arm wrestle The Rock — and I promise you, I’d win — for my kids.”
In the replies, many other parents joined the conversation.
“I think it also depends on culture – in the western world there’s a lot of emphasis on the “individual” sometimes at the expense of the collective. I grew up in Pakistan – our culture emphasizes alot on the collective. Multi – generational families living together, close communities , families , relatives etc – takes a village to raise children. Now raising kids as first generation immigrants in Canada – it’s incredibly hard without the family support network and I think part of the culture here is to almost force independence on parents and kids from an early age,” one commenter wrote.
And this very relatable comment: “I remember going to the playground as a new mom. All the moms were gushing about how perfect their babies were and how wonderful motherhood was. I went home and told my husband they were all lying. The parenthood culture doesn’t encourage honestly talking about the struggle.”
In other words, we need to make more space for parents to talk about all the realities of parenthood. Are there wonderful parts? Of course! But some parts of it just suck, and there’s no way around that. And it’s OK to make space to talk about that, too.
