Family Coach Explains the Big Mistake Parents Make with Consequences

A parenting coach is sharing the one thing most parents get wrong about consequences for their kids’ bad behaviors

When your child misbehaves or acts out, you give them a consequence so they learn not to repeat that bad behavior, right? Well, according to one parenting coach, you might be doing this all wrong.

Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta is a parenting coach on TikTok, and in a recent viral video, she explained how many parents make a big mistake with consequences: They make them “unnatural and illogical.”

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♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta

Some examples: grounding your child for failing a test or taking away screen time because they ran away at the park.

“Here’s some examples of natural and logical consequences,” she explains. “Kid throws truck — Oh, looks like trucks are too tricky for today. Trucks are all done. We can try them tomorrow.”

Another one: “Kids are fighting in the car — slowly pull over. Be silent. Say, ‘I drive when everybody is calm and quiet.’ Don’t say anything else. You can start driving again when they’re calm and quiet.”

One more: “Kids are fighting over what show to watch — Oh, looks like shows are too tricky for today. I’ll take the remote. Let’s try again after dinner.”

Hauge-Zavaleta adds, “Notice that with each natural and logical consequence, I say it as soon as things start to go sideways, and I’m doing that in significant part so that I can stay regulated. Your capacity to stay regulated and calm when giving a natural consequence is 99% of the success.”

She does acknowledge that this can be tough for parents, especially when you’re “exhausted and at the end of your rope.” And when you make a mistake and give an unnatural and illogical consequence, it’s OK to acknowledge it—”Mama got a little crabby!”—and switch to a natural consequence. Even that, at the end of the day, will be more effective.