It’s a tale as old as time. You’re trying to cook dinner or get a bit of work done when your kids start bickering in the other room. The big one has laid claim to the little one’s toy, and you can literally feel the pitch of their whining in your bones. “Give it baaaaaaack! No faaaaaaair!” All you want to do is storm into the room, grab the toy from big, and give it to little, just to make. it. stop.
We’ve been there, we get it, and so does parent coach Mandy Grass, also known as @thefamilybehaviorist. However, she warns parents that there’s a better way. Because what happens when a kid’s whining gets them what they want? They learn that it’s an effective strategy and lean in even harder. So, unless you’re looking for more whining in your life, you’ll want to hear what Grass has to say below.
The behavior analyst uses her daughters to demonstrate her advice for dealing with whiny behavior towards a sibling or peer. When Marley, the toddler, whines about wanting her pen back from big-sister Parker, even Parker wants to just give in and make the whining stop.
But Grass holds firm and models the right way to get the pen back.
She gives the pen back to Parker and says to Marley, “It’s OK to want your pen back, that’s fine. You can say, ‘Parker, can I have it back please?'” She models the calm way Marley can ask. The toddler will inevitably respond by saying the same line but in a whiny voice, so Grass models her calm voice again. This exchange goes back and forth until Marley asks for the pen in a considerably less whiny way.
“Whatever your threshold is [for an acceptable tone], say ‘Great, I love the way you used your words,'” Grass explains. “This is something that we want to be really intentional in my family because Marley’s whining is so immersive.” The key is to make sure the behavior is never functional.
Sure, Marley’s had a long day on the sidelines of sibling activities, being passed around between playgrounds and parents with snacks galore. But making excuses for whining isn’t productive, and Grass stresses that she can’t reinforce the behavior.
“This is a lot of work. It’s a lot of modeling, it’s easier to give in—I totally get it,” Grass admits. “But just be mindful about the chain of events we’re reinforcing.” It’s a long game, and if you put in the work now, it’ll pay off in the long run. So go ahead and give it a try! You’ve got this.
