Helping kids develop into adults who make good decisions is arguably one of the hardest parts of parenting. Of course, you want them to know the difference between right and wrong, but let’s be honest—the world isn’t black and white. It’s gray, pink, green, and every other color in the rainbow because we’re talking about humans; everyone has a different way of looking at and reacting to things. What if, instead of sorting things into the unbendable categories of good and bad, we share tools for healthy communication and collaboration in a world filled with varying opinions? Destini Davis, a certified parenting coach, explains two simple “I statements” she uses with her kids to help them learn exactly this in a recent TikTok.
@destini.ann ♬ original sound – Destini Ann
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Use “I appreciate” and “I prefer.”
Davis explains that she expresses her values as preferences and things she appreciates, not as steadfast rules that must be obeyed to be a good person. ‘I’ll say, ‘I prefer it when the living room is clean. Can you notice anything in the room that’s yours and pick it up? This is the tone I appreciate being spoken to. And can we try that?”’
It makes total sense when you think about it. For you, the parent, a clean living room might be the only way to maintain a modicum of sanity. For a kid in the middle of pretend play or enjoying a lazy afternoon on the couch? Not so much. And that doesn’t make them wrong or bad.
With these simple sentence starters, you’re pointing the finger at yourself, rather than your kids. Starting a statement with “I” instead of “you” is about sharing what’s important to you. You’re setting the foundation for collaboration and understanding, not telling kids a messy playroom is wrong or that they’re bad.
Experts often recommend using “I” statements in conversations (especially tough or unpleasant ones) because it allows you, the speaker, to communicate your own beliefs without being accusatory. As Erin Johnson, LCSW, writes in Verywell Mind: “I-messages are frequently utilized as a way to resolve conflict without putting people on the defensive. By placing the attention primarily on the feelings and needs of the speaker, it focuses the conversation on solving a problem rather than assigning blame.”
Learning how to live with others is ultimately the goal because insisting everyone sees things and does everything your way isn’t healthy or sustainable, even if you believe it to be good and right. “I know that my kids are going to have relationships where the boundaries look completely different than our boundaries. And so what’s more important to me than teaching them what is right and wrong is teaching them how to collaborate and be in a community with people where you can honor and respect their preferences,” Davis says.
