An interesting article was released by the Girl Scouts of America late last year. In it, they discuss consent and why physical affection should be within the control of their children, not demanded by adults. The article prompted this brilliant piece about consent needed to hug a parent’s child and it really drove home to me how often consent is ignored and the lesson that teaches our children.

“I Don’t Like That”

The words uttered by my youngest daughter after my wife leaned down to give her a kiss. It was surprising, this protest. Yet as I considered it, I realized that maybe it wasn’t so surprising after all. For months when we had given her kisses on the cheeks she had made a face, or squirmed away, or cringed.

Now she was being blunt: she didn’t like kisses. That was the last time we ever kissed her cheek, opting instead for a playful nuzzle of her chin before bed, something she appeared much more comfortable with,

Clearly, consent is an important topic to consider with children, including younger ones. So how can we model and teach consent to our children? Here are some ideas:

Be Clear About Feelings

Feelings are good but children can struggle to manage their own, or consider others. Giving them a framework to not only understand how they are feeling but to express it can give them the language and self-awareness they need to refuse consent when they want to. Teaching to recognize it in others can teach them to have empathy and respect others.

Teach Your Kids to Speak Up

My daughter has always been told that if she doesn’t like something or if it doesn’t feel right to speak up. I am grateful now that my wife and I worked so hard to instill that idea in all of our kids. She knew she could say no.

Let Them Know That Their Boundaries Are Okay

Everyone should have boundaries. Children are no exception but they may feel like they can’t establish them because they are powerless. Letting them know that they have autonomy over their own bodies and actions can be a very affirming lesson that will stay with them through their lives.

Disavow the Idea of Rudeness

Women have routinely found themselves in dangerous situations because they fear being “rude”. But could we be teaching our children to do the same? Disavowing the idea that saying no is somehow impolite could actually save their life one day.

Don’t Make Affection an Order

“Go give your grandma a hug.” I think we have all said the same thing before, related to someone in our child’s life, But it may be time to avoid that phrase and stop making affection an order they have to follow.

How do you teach and model consent with your kids?

Featured Photo Courtesy: ales_kartel via Pixabay

Tyler Jacobson is a happy husband, father of three, writer and outreach specialist with experience with organizations that help troubled teens and parents. His areas of focus include: parenting, social media, addiction, mental illness, and issues facing teenagers today.

 

6 Steps to Loving School Lunch

It’s your job to provide meals and snacks and your kid’s job to eat them. Sometimes you need help with the in-between, especially for school lunch—when you aren’t there to ensure your little learner fuels up for the afternoon. When it’s hard to get choosy clientele to love their lunch, read on for six ways to spice things up.

photo: Yoshiyasu Nishikawa via Flickr

1. Involve them in the process. Ever consider how it feels to have every. single. meal. presented to you (I know, that actually sounds amazing.)? But your little may have a big appetite for autonomy. This can be as simple as cutting up melon or mixing dough (good fine motor practice and sensory play for preschoolers, BTW) or as unique as subscribing to a monthly cooking kit, like Baby Boy Bakery’s We Cook kits. We love that the inspiration is to create childhood memories while benefiting kids’ charities. Your sous chefs will take pride in what they eat if they’re involved from the get-go.

2. Get to know the lunch staff. Part of appreciating what’s on our plate is appreciating those who help prepare and serve it. If your kids have a school lunch account, encourage them to talk to their lunch ladies and gents. They can ask questions about the local fresh option their school may have or if a garden project is in the works (or maybe help start one!).

photo: U.S. Department of Agriculture via Flickr

3. Add a little perspective to the recipe. So your kid turns down your homemade minestrone for another bowl of goldfish? If only she knew how lucky she was to have fresh, healthy ingredients, right? Well, it may be a good time for grade schoolers to start volunteering. Feeding America’s Hungry to Help Project fills in the summer gap for families who rely on school lunches and serves up a Family Action Plan to help end hunger.

4. Serve age-appropriate portions. It can be daunting to finish everything on your plate (or to be asked if you did at school). And added pressure usually backfires anyway. If it’s extra hard to get your child to chow down at school, set him up for success with smaller portions. Include an after-school snack if hunger strikes later. Check out these recommended portions for each age range from HealthyChildren.org.

photo: Tonya Staab via Flickr

5. Add a surprise. Whether it’s a cookie-cut puzzle sandwich or a little note slipped in the lunchbox (here are 12 sweet ideas for the midday meal), the element of surprise reminds them they may be out of sight but never out of mind—or heart. That little extra prep may reap big lunchtime returns.

6. Practice food positivity at home. The way we talk about food with (and around) our kids makes a big impression. Each family may have its cultures, allergies, and preferences to contend with—at home and at school. Helping our kids understand how food energizes our bodies so we can keep learning, playing, and feeling good, helps them take that respect back to the lunch table, too.

What are your ideas for getting kids to love their lunch? Share with us in the Comments below!

—Jennifer Massoni Pardini

photo: Justin Wise via Flickr

If it sometimes feels like your two year old couldn’t care less about your feelings, don’t take it personally. Research has revealed that being able to care about anyone other than themselves is a trait most kids don’t achieve until they graduate from toddlerhood.

A new study published in Nature Communications says that it’s not until the mature age of four years old that kids develop empathy. The social awareness of other’s thoughts and feelings is linked to the develop of a fiber connection in the brain, which doesn’t fully mature until a child turns four. The fiber connects two critical parts of the brain, a region that “supports adult thinking about others and their thoughts,” and a second region that involves understanding how the real world works. Once these two are connected, kids can start to understand how other people think.

In other words, it’s not that your toddler thinks she’s the queen of the world, it’s that the part of the brain that helps her comprehend that other people have feelings isn’t up and running yet.

What age did your kids start to show signs of empathy? Share your experience in the comments.

My daughter is weird. Yes, she’s also incredibly bright, precocious, and kind, but she’s undeniably weird. Granted, a lot of people don’t see Anna’s behavior as weird. Those who don’t spend as much time with her as we do probably just see a 10-year-old with an active imagination, but when you live with her, day in and day out, you would agree that she’s weird.

Understand this: I’m not necessarily using the word “weird” in a derogatory way. She’s not a “lurk in the bushes outside of your house and peep in your windows” kind of weird. But, she IS a “rub against your shoulder and purr in your ear” kind of weird.

You see, my daughter is always an animal. Always. Ever since she was a toddler, she’s loved to play like she was an animal. Now, at the age of 10, it’s still consistently her favorite thing to do. While other kids are playing with their American Girl dolls, Anna is playing with her stuffed animals. While other kids were playing dress up in ratty Disney princess ballgowns from Target, Anna was playing dragon with a homemade felt dragon tail and wings.

But this behavior has not always been so cute. There was the one time that my husband and I caught her licking a strange dad’s leg in the kiddie pool at a resort. She was pretending to be a dog and this kind man was playing along…until she started licking his shin. It ranks as one of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to say who was more uncomfortable–us or the stranger. The good news is that this episode opened up the dialog about licking strangers and where to draw the line on animal games.

Over the years, I’ve made some mistakes in dealing with Anna’s imagination. I’ve had to learn as I go and consequently have come up with a few helpful tips for other parents who might be dealing with a slightly eccentric child:

1. Teach your child that there’s a time and place to let their “freak flag fly.”

I’ve learned to strike deals with Anna. For instance: she needs to be a human in church every Sunday, but is welcome to gallop all over the house like a horse (or whatever creature de jour she’s pretending to be) for the rest of the day on Sunday. She seems OK with this and it works for me too.

2. Try not to make your child feel any weirder than they already are.

I’m 100% sure that Anna has been called “weird” at school and, I’ve been known to call her a “little weirdo” (with only love in my heart) to her face, but by and large, I try to let her know that we love her no matter how she is and that won’t change. We’ve also stressed that “weird” isn’t a bad thing and now she seems to take it as a compliment.

3. Recognize that the current strange stage is just that: a stage.

The preteen years are rattling at our shutters and knocking on our door right now. There are times when I see a flash of teenage rage in my 10-year-old’s eyes, and then, before I know it, she’s back to her sweet, 4th-grade self. But I know that in a couple of years, we’ll be longing for the days when it was simpler and she was just a cat, trapped in a 10-year-old girl’s body, and not an angry teen.

4. Don’t try to change them.

Chances are, if you try and change their behaviors, you’ll only make it worse—believe me, I’ve tried. As long as your child isn’t doing something that’s harmful to themselves or others, I say, let them do what they need to do to be happy. There aren’t enough kids getting to be themselves these days, if you ask me.

5. Don’t try and over-explain your kid to others.

So many times, when Anna has been in full-blown cat-mode in public, I’d try to explain her actions to people, “Anna is pretending to be a cat today. She loves cats and it’s her favorite game to play. She’s not always a cat though…she’s actually really bright and caring too!” The thing is, most people find children who are using an active imagination endearing and, to strangers who don’t live with it, it is cute and harmless. So, I’ve stopped trying to justify her behavior and just let it all happen naturally. Nine times out of ten, people say something along the lines of, “My son used to pretend to be a fireman all the time when he was that age.”

One of the harder things about being the parent of a weird kid is worrying about what other parents think of her and how that reflects on me as a parent. What I’ve learned though is that, as with everything else in life, it doesn’t matter what others think of you and also that most people think it’s really cool that we let her be who she is and don’t try to change her.

Now that I’m in the thick of parenting, I finally understand how fleeting childhood is. I’m proud of Anna’s confidence and the fact that she doesn’t give a flip what anyone thinks about her–that she’s willing to be who she wants to be and readily accepts others for their quirks as a result. One day, I know that we’ll look back on this age and have only fond memories of a little girl who loved animals so much that she wanted to be one. The way I see it, there are definitely worse parenting problems to have.

I'm Jenny, a married mother to two kids and a whole gaggle of pets. I quit drinking in 2010 when I realized that alcohol was calling too many of the shots in my life and turning me into a person that I wasn't proud of. I haven't looked back. 

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