Saying “no” is quite possibly a toddler’s favorite thing to do. They’re learning about their place in the world, and it’s a given they want to push back a little and see just how much they can get away with. Except, it’s also one of the most frustrating parts of being a parent. How many times have you wanted them to put on the shoes, get in the bath, or pick up those toys, already!? Sigh. It’s important to remember that they’re human, too. As Dr. Randy Cole writes for Terrific Parenting, “We often speak to children as if we have control over them… and we do not. The key is learning to develop a way of communicating where you ask with respect, respond with clarity, and allow consequences to teach.”
In a recent TikTok, parent expert and mom-of-two Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta not only sheds light on common mistakes parents make when giving kids directions but offers easy ways to get them to stop saying “no,” and go with the flow instead.
@drchelsey_parenting Stop giving these directions! Want help? DM me PARENT and ill send you a video breaking down exactly how i help families move from chaos to cooperation.
♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta
Related: What Not to Say to a Pissed-Off Toddler
Mistake #1: You’re giving directions in the form of a question.
This one is so common, it can be hard to recognize you’re doing it—but it’s all about how you communicate your request. By giving a direction in the form of a question, you’re offering your child a choice. And they have every right to make a choice, even if it’s one you don’t like. “You have to respect the answer. Otherwise, you teach them that their voice doesn’t matter,” says Hauge-Zavaleta. Instead, clearly give your directions, full stop.
Mistake #2: You’re too unclear and diffuse.
Tossing out a suggestion instead of being specific can lead to gray areas, and kids, especially young ones, might not truly understand the request. As Samantha Foley, a beginners teacher at Wellan Montessori School, in Newton, MA explains: “Being specific on what they can do and when makes it easier for your toddler to understand, and they are more likely to learn from the experience and cooperate with the request in the future.” Hauge-Zavaleta suggests using terms like “Hey, clean up your room. We need to get ready to go. You’re not supposed to act like that.”
Mistake #3: You’re too far away.
If you’ve ever yelled at your kid from a different room to “stop doing that!” then you probably know it doesn’t work. According to Hauge-Zavaleta, you need to be within an arm’s distance of your child before giving them directions. They need to be able to see your face, hear your voice, and feel your presence.
Mistake #4: Stop telling kids what NOT to do.
This one is all about using the right words. “Using positive language empowers your toddler to make appropriate choices on their own and, in turn, boosts their self-esteem. It allows the toddler to focus and learn from the positive behaviors instead of focusing on negative ones, which can often leave them feeling frustrated and confused,” says Foley. Huage-Zavaleta offers up examples, “Instead of saying, ‘don’t put your finger in the socket’ say ‘Keep your fingers in your pocket.’ You need to tell them exactly what to do and try to get rid over time, slowly, of that first half of the sentence.”
Related: Parenting Expert Explains Why ‘Do Not’ Doesn’t Work with Toddlers
While this might sound simple, habits are hard to break, so remember that it’s going to take time to free yourself from (most of) those dreaded refusals. It will also take some practice to recognize these mistakes and try Hauge-Zavaleta’s alternatives—but you should definitely try because we all know that a world where a toddler doesn’t say “no” every five minutes is a better place.
“If your child doesn’t do it the first time around, that’s your cue they need more support. The second time you say the thing you’re gonna move in to give them the support that they need so they can be successful. When you do it this way, there’s no room for your child just to say no to your requests.”
