When kids experience big feelings during the toddler years and inevitably unleash them (so fun!), they know someone is likely going to step in and help them or give them what they want. Think about the last time you took your kid to Target and they lost their mind about not getting that [insert anything in their line of sight]. There probably wasn’t a lot of discussion happening at that moment as you were fighting for your life and attempting to remove yourself and your kid from the premises as quickly as possible.
But as kids grow up, they need to learn skills to help them deal with those feelings more productively. This skill is known as emotional intelligence, which translates to: “emotional awareness, or the ability to identify and name one’s own emotions; the ability to harness those emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem-solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes both regulating one’s own emotions when necessary and helping others to do the same,” per Psychology Today.
But how do we simplify this concept for kids? Parenting coach Destini Ann Davis shares an easy-to-remember sentence that can be applied to just about any emotionally charged situation and allows the speaker to take ownership of their feelings: “I feel [blank] because I need [blank] so I’m going to [blank].”
@destini.ann ❤️
♬ original sound – Destini Ann
Parents can use this phrase during everyday interactions with their kids to model what healthy processing looks like. An example she gives is: “I feel sad because I really want us to be on the same page and we’re not. I’m going to make myself available to talk about this when you’re ready.” That sentence not only describes Davis’ emotional state, but it includes an action step to revisit the situation once her kid is more regulated.
According to Davis, it all comes back to emotional intelligence and not relying on others to fix what is bothering us. She follows up with another example, which we can see both parents and kids using: “I feel frustrated because I need some quiet so I’m going to go into my room.” Emotional intelligence is about me owning my feelings, my needs, and the actions that I’m going to take to get those needs met,” Davis explains. It’s about empowering yourself—and your kid—to take a step back from a situation, analyze what’s happening, and figure out the best way forward.
If this method is a little too advanced for your kid, try Davis’ recommendation of instituting a safe word that signals to the parent that the child is about to lose it and needs some assistance before boiling over. Davis uses the word “pickles,” and when her daughter says it, Davis knows that her daughter needs some time away from her (younger, somewhat smothering) sibling. This helps her daughter avoid hurtful phrases like, “You’re so annoying!” and allows her to own and process her emotions.
This skill also extends to our adult relationships, helping us get a better handle on things that are bothering us while avoiding using “you” statements that make our partners feel judged. Consider trying it out the next time you notice that your emotional needs aren’t being met.
