This husband is going viral on TikTok for his late realization that he isn’t the “main character” in his marriage

Have you ever heard of sonder? It’s the idea that everyone in the world around you lives a life that’s just as complex as your own. It should seem like a pretty obvious thing, right? Except some people really think they’re the “main character” and that other people in their lives are just supporting actors—and that can even go for spouses. Now, this dad is going viral on TikTok for explaining in a video how he finally realized he isn’t the main character in his family, and it’s a message that so many men need to hear.

“One of the things I really try to process now as a middle-aged man is the full extent to which I really thought that I was the main character,” husband and dad J Fisher explains in his video.


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♬ original sound – J Fisher

He then offers an example from early in his marriage.

“Say we’d be going on a trip, my partner at that point in time would be doing the laundry, vacuuming the house, making sure the dishes were done,” he says. “I would think, I would literally think like, Well, yeah, we don’t have to do that. That’s you wanting to do that. It’s not what I want to do.”

Fisher then explains how, while his wife did all of that, he would pack a suitcase or backpack with his clothes and the books he wanted to read, and then he’d think, I’m ready to go!

“Looking back, like… how could I possibly think that was okay?” he asks in the video.

Fisher also explains that once he and his wife had kids, his main character energy became even more apparent.

“When we had kids, I didn’t stop, right? My partner would do all the work to get all of them ready to make sure they were bathed, snacks packed, and I would get myself ready,” he says. “I saw my own father do this quite a bit where he would take care of his own needs. So, I know I didn’t learn it from nowhere. But I also had to unlearn it because it never was okay. I thought that my role was to do all these things outside of the home and that the home was women’s domain. I saw that modeled and even taught as the way it should be, but, oh my gosh, is that not partnership? And that sucks.”

We know that Fisher’s attitude isn’t uncommon. Study after study shows that most women in heterosexual relationships carry more of the burden for household chores and childcare, even when both partners work full-time. And women are so often expected to be the “default parent,” in charge of carrying all the mental load of having kids.

If there’s a husband or dad in your life who needs to see this video, this is your sign to send it to him.

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