When I was expecting my first child, I had imagined this perfect tiny human that was going to be coming into the world and he was going to be all mine! I mean, I knew I sort of had to share him with my husband but in my mind, he was mostly mine. I was so excited and yet so unprepared for motherhood. When he finally arrived, I was smitten! He was perfect, he was more than I could have imagined! If love can happen at first sight, it definitely did!
I had imagined the endless snuggles, little boy hugs and kisses and all the things that we would do and bond over, after all, I was his mama. And of course, I got all those things! We laughed and played, snuggled, giggled over silly things and bonded like a mama and her boy only can. It was blissful. But, when he started to develop his own sense of personality and desires, I began to slowly fade out of the picture. Suddenly Daddy became his whole world, and still is.
My first realization that things were changing was when my son started having meltdowns whenever my husband left for work. Things would be calm and peaceful until Daddy left. Suddenly this little boy was sitting by the door crying out for Daddy in pitiful sobs, giant tears pouring down his little cheeks. My heart broke. I couldn’t do anything to make him feel better. No amount of snuggles, hugs or distraction would work. I would try to comfort him but I wasn’t enough.
My heart felt like it was being torn in half. How could this beautiful little boy that I brought into the world (painfully I might add!) suddenly decide that I was not his favorite anymore?! I mean, I was supposed to be HIS whole world, right?! Nine long months of pregnancy, a year nourishing his little body, my undivided attention, while I stayed at home and raised him…what, had I done wrong?
He started to run to Daddy when he banged his knee or fell down. He would call for Daddy in the night when he had a bad dream and needed extra comfort. He wanted Daddy to give him night time kisses and hugs before bed. I was barely on the radar it seemed. The more I felt rejected, the more I wanted to prove myself worthy of his affection. If only it worked that way…
Now that he is three his preference for daddy comes out in other ways. He still gets upset when Daddy leaves in the morning but there are no tears. Rather, he serenades my husband in heartfelt good-byes and endless hugs and snuggles. Then we go about our day as normal and things are pretty good, or at least civil. When Daddy comes home it’s like he’s been away for a year! He runs to the door where Daddy is waiting with his arms open for those little boy hugs and snuggles that my heart yearns for. When I come home after being away for a few hours I barely get a hello!
While reflecting on the last two years, I had a humbling thought; it’s not about me. My purpose as a mother is not to have my emotional needs and wants met. My job is to raise my children to the best of my ability and make sure that they know they are loved and that they are secure in that love unconditionally. Does it still hurt? Yes! Do I still feel those moments of heartbreak? Of course. Rejection is never easy, especially when it comes from your child.
My son, who is and always will be one of my greatest treasures on earth, needs me to be a source of love and comfort for him. I know he still loves and needs my consistent care and that he still wants me to be his mama. He bonds with his daddy because they have similar interests, similar personalities, likes, dislikes and desires and I am happy about that. My husband is a cattle farmer and my son LOVES going out to the farm and spending time with the guys (Grandpa and his uncles). They do things that Mommy doesn’t—ride tractors, check the cows, get a little dirty! This is what my son loves and doing these things with his dad is developing his character in ways that I probably can’t.
I won’t lie, there are moments that I am a little glad he prefers his dad! Times when he says that only Daddy can wipe his bum or when only Daddy can snuggle him at 4 a.m! Hey, I can live with him needing Daddy to do those things! The real challenge is being okay with him needing Daddy to fulfill his needs and emotional desires that I so much want to fulfill. As a mama to my two little ones, I want to be the favorite parent, the one needed most, if I’m being honest.
Are you experiencing these same feelings? Does your child prefer one parent over the other? It’s natural for our kids to have favorites, but it is never easy feeling like you are the runner up in a marathon for two! I won’t sugarcoat the reality by suggesting this is all just a phase —maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Your little one is figuring out how to express themselves in the only way they know how and you are the one person they can safely express those feelings to. Continue to be that constant source of love, comfort and stability and they will love you for it!
