Working Mom Shares How She Became the ‘Dad’ & Prepped Husband to Do More Work

In a viral TikTok video, one mom explains how she became the ‘dad’ in her family, with her husband stepping up to be the default parent to their newborn

There’s been a lot of discussion lately about the unfair division of labor in heterosexual marriages. Study after study shows that even when both parents work, the mom also becomes the “default parent” who is responsible for the lion’s share of home and childcare responsibilities on top of her job. But one working mom is going viral on TikTok for her refreshingly new take on the division of labor in her family.

Ema, a new mom, made a video about how she and her husband decided early in their relationship that once they had kids, he would be the default parent and she would be the “dad.” In her video, she explains how the dynamic works.

https://www.tiktok.com/@emaroadkill/video/7188324438130085163?referer_url=www.yourtango.com%2Fnews%2Fworking-mom-became-dad-relationship%3Famp&refer=embed&embed_source=121331973%2C120811592%2C120810756%3Bnull%3Bembed_blank&referer_video_id=7188324438130085163

“I never saw a single relationship in my entire life where the woman wasn’t the default parent,” she says. “However, I have a baby now, and I’m not the default parent. I’m a dad. Like, straight up, I’m the dad.”

As a working mom, Ema explains how she’s “not the automatic point person” for her baby, then shares the steps she and her husband took to help make that happen.

“First of all, I made sure that my husband was the stay-at-home parent for the first few months. I would strongly encourage anyone who has that financial ability to consider a similar setup,” she says. In the comments on her post, she further explains that point, writing, “we talked about him wanting to be a stay-at-home-dad when we first started dating.”

In her video, Ema continues on to say that she watched other people in her life having kids and saw what she didn’t want.

“They have a baby, they take on the bulk of the childcare while their husband is working which makes sense, and everyone’s more or less okay with that. Only something weird happens when they go back to work. She’s still the primary parent. She’s still the one juggling everything. She’s still the one the baby gets passed to when he’s crying,” she says. “Society swings so hard to moms doing the lion’s share. You have to really intentionally rest and dismantle that dynamic from the very beginning.”

She adds, “It is so much easier to start from a place where it’s imbalanced in favor of your husband doing more of the work than to start with you doing the lion’s share and expecting him to pick up more and more responsibility over time.”

Ema recommends that other moms “start from a place of inequality in your favor. And don’t worry about it, because as a woman, society is constantly going to be trying to tip the scales towards you doing everything. You’re going to have to consciously fight that at every turn.”

She adds, “I am giving you permission to be so extremely selfish in those early days,” she said. “Breastfeed, and then hand the baby right back. Don’t change a diaper. Don’t try to soothe the baby when he’s crying. Pass to your husband. Pretend like you’re the dad for once. Because society’s going to knock you right back into place as soon as it can but at least you’re going to have a fighting chance.”