If talking with your older kid sometimes feels like navigating a minefield, we get it. You think you’re bringing up something relatively benign, and your efforts are met with an over-the-top outburst. That doesn’t mean that you need to avoid these topics entirely, but a change in approach might elicit a less argumentative response.
“It’s very developmentally normal and natural,” according to parenting expert Dr. Lucie Hemmen via her TikTok. “Young people really need to feel like they’re growing up and becoming independent. And sometimes conversations with parents can stimulate a feeling in them of feeling young, and they don’t like that so they shut down or snap at you.”
@dr.luciehemmen Videos are for educational use. #parenting #parentingteens #parentingtips #communicationtips
♬ original sound – Dr.LucieHemmen
Sometimes all you need to do is change up a few words to avoid that reaction (and even, dare we say it, open up). Say, for example, you want to find out why your child is stressed. Starting the conversation with, “You’re so stressed. What’s going on?” might immediately put them on the defensive because you’re coming at them with judgment. Dr. Hemmen recommends you use the phrase “I noticed,” instead of jumping right into your observation. In this situation, you’d say something like, “I noticed that you’ve been staying up late and you seem stressed. Is there something I can support you with?”
Using the phrase “I noticed,” softens the message to your child and typically doesn’t elicit such a strong reaction. You are simply stating a fact and not judging their behavior.
In another TikTok video, Dr. Hemmen shared a few other tips on getting teens to open up:
- Stop saying things like, “Why don’t you ever talk to me?” This puts too much pressure on the situation.
- Be on the lookout for times when your teen is a little chattier and capitalize on those moments. Use the opportunity to express interest and positivity.
- Be playful and start with something like, “Can you share just two things that happened during your day?” This keeps things light.
- Use something like a “Feel Wheel” or a list of emotions and ask your child to pick one and share why that feeling resonates with them.
The ultimate message is this: It’s totally normal for older kids and teens to resort to defensiveness when they are feeling judged. By changing the way we approach these conversations, we can avoid that misstep and (hopefully!) get our kids to share a bit more.
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