It’s every mom’s heartbreak: your kid will no longer hold your hand. My 11-year-old started ducking away when he was ten. I didn’t mention it. The itty-bitty who begged for piggyback rides was striding long-legged into the wider world, and I didn’t stop him. It’s for the best. I wanted to grab his hand and freeze that moment; everyone babbles about childhood milestones, but they rarely talk about “lasts.” They’re part of growing up. They’re part of parenting. They ache if you think about them too hard.
But becoming “too cool” for you is more than an eye-roll at your attempt to hold their hand. Somewhere around nine or ten, parental approval becomes less important. Kids care more about their peers’ opinions—not necessarily more than they care about yours, but more than they cared before. It can be a tightrope walk for both of you. They’re worried about fitting in; you’re worried about being left behind.
But you shouldn’t worry. With more complex emotions and social concerns, they don’t need you in the same way they did as truly little kids. But that natural shift doesn’t mean they’ll immediately melt into a puddle of embarrassment whenever you’re nearby.
That’s because you can “cool-proof” your kids. This starts with accepting that an initial pull-away is basically unavoidable—and can even happen as early as eight years old. If one little jerk is teasing them about mom hugs, and they seek that jerk’s approval (as is age-appropriate), they’re bound to squirm away or shrug you off. This will probably happen more than once, but give it time. Eventually, you want them to roll their eyes at that little jerk, not you. Nurture their self-esteem. Accept them for who they are and help them be the best version of themselves. Don’t force them to fit your wants or expectations. (I wish my oldest hadn’t given up diving, but he would rather rock climb—his call!) If they’re confident in who they are, it won’t keep happening.
But this is a two-way street. Part of “cool-proofing” involves being cool yourself. Are you hugging your kid in public? Good job. Are you haranguing him about his dirty underwear in front of his friends? No bueno. Imagine your child as an adult (I know, it sucks, but they’ll grow up one day). I’d sprint away from someone who shouted, “Make sure you change that shirt! You’ve been wearing it for three days!” in front of my besties. Similarly, you’d hug your spouse in front of his friends, but you wouldn’t harass him for leaving the toilet seat up. Don’t do it to your kid. They can live with you singing along to the radio, as long as you don’t go full operatic. They can’t live with you reprimanding them in front of their friends.
More than remaining chill, you also need to respect them. They will develop their own taste in music and clothing. Yes, it was super fun to dress them. But it’s not your job anymore. You might hate their preferences: I would burn every pair of athletic shorts and Crocs in my house if I could, and with three boys, that would make quite a conflagration. But they see their friends wearing both, and they cling to the fact that those elastic-waist shorts are more comfortable than jeans (regardless of the weather).
At nine, 11, and 13, they get to choose, not me. I don’t complain about their outfits, I don’t roll my eyes when they ask for Hamilton again or demand Led Zeppelin instead of Bowie, and I don’t ridicule Pokémon or Minecraft walk-throughs (why would you watch a video telling you how to play a game? I don’t get it).
Just remember: if you respect your kid and encourage them to become an independent thinker, they won’t pull away for long. They’ll set boundaries. You’ll set boundaries. But they won’t disconnect completely. Treat them with dignity and accept their choices. Don’t roll your eyes. They’ll come back.
