Helping kids learn to accept criticism is one of the trickiest parts of parenting. You’re dealing with a small force of a person whose emotions and behaviors are shaped not just by their home life, but by everything in their social world. And let’s face it: There’s a thin line between pointing out what could improve and what your child hears as judgment, even if that’s not what you mean. The good news? A few tweaks in how you communicate can make all the difference, whether it’s about their behavior or the little things they’re asked to do around the house.
In a recent Instagram post, parenting coach, author, and mom Destini Ann Davis offered up an easy way for parents to help kids accept both criticism and praise, and you might be surprised to learn that it’s the same two simple phrases: “I noticed…” and “How’d that happen?”
How “I” Statements and Positive Framing Help Kids Accept Criticism
Positive Framing
In an article for the Child Mind Institute, clinical expert Jerry Bubrick, Ph.D., says that parents can help foster an open mind for feedback by offering comments within a positive framework. The article continues to explain that positive feedback helps build confidence, and if a child has confidence in their abilities, they will feel more secure admitting that they do not understand something or could do something better.
“I” statements
“I” statements are important because they eliminate judgment. “While ‘I’ statements focus on the speaker’s emotions, ‘you’ statements blame the other person. The latter implies criticism. For example, a person might say, ‘You’re always late,’ or ‘You’re so unreliable.’ ‘You’ statements can be hostile and keep kids from resolving their problems,” explains Mental Health Center Kids writer Michael Vallejo.
Related: 2 Words That Prevent Kids from Getting Defensive
How Davis Uses “I” Statements and Positive Framing
The first example Davis uses is a criticism: “I noticed you didn’t clean your room yet. How’d that happen?” By making it about her and opening up the floor for a conversation, Davis is eliminating judgment and giving her child a chance to explain why the room isn’t clean instead of blaming them for not finishing the task at hand.
The second is praise: “I noticed you got along with your sister well this morning. How’d that happen?” Davis explains that instead of going overboard with a generic compliment like, “Oh my gosh, you’re being so nice to your sister this morning,” which, as any parent of a tween or teen will understand, is more likely to have you on the receiving end of a self-deprecating comeback or eye roll, it’s a specific statement.
According to Idaho Youth Ranch, a healing center for tweens and teens who are at-risk or dealing with trauma, being specific is essential when offering up effective compliments, as it highlights a particular aspect of your teen’s behavior or achievement.
Helping Kids Learn How to Accept Criticism and Praise Can Improve Family Dynamics
In her post, Davis offers up her own explanation as to why using “I” statements and positive framing helps kids accept criticism and praise. “Noticing something objectively takes away the judgment. It’s a very neutral phrase, and then how that happened gives the child an opportunity to expand on the behavior, rather than trying to defend the person.”
She continues, “And I think it’s really good in relationships where maybe there’s been more shaming than there has been praising. It’s an opportunity to repair the relationship until your child gets to the point where they can accept criticism. And they can accept praise.”
So the next time you’re tasked with poking the bear (a.k.a. your child), consider switching up the way you approach them. Start with an “I” statement and leave the floor open for their input; eventually, the way they react will improve.
