Parenting can take all your negotiation skills and then some. Once you enter the toddler years, these tiny humans are pretty much dictating how the day will go, and good luck trying to stop them. You want them to clean up their toys before you head to the park but your wee tyrant won’t have any of it. Sounds like it’s time to reclaim some of your authority and set yourself up for greater success (and fewer arguments!).
Kids don’t do well with uncertainty, so they thrive on knowing what’s going to happen in their future—and giving them little previews throughout the day can be a game-changer. This is why the “first/then” approach is a great way to get kids to do non-preferred activities, behavioral analyst and parenting coach Mandy Grass explained in a recent Instagram post. This may sound a little like bribery on the surface but really what you are doing is ordering the activities you would be doing anyway in a sequence that gets the less fun option out of the way first. This would look something like, “First you put away your toys and then we’ll go to the park.”
The reason why this “first/then” discussion is helpful is because it previews what is going to happen and it has the child do the non-preferred activity before the preferred activity. Let’s say that bedtime is a challenge for you but your kid loves to take a bath. You would set up a scenario like, “First you’ll clean up your toys and then it’s bath time.” Or if they are jonesing for a show but they are still in their pajamas, you’d say: “First we’re going to get dressed and then you can have a show.”
“The more often you can use this throughout your day, the easier it’ll be when you have to use it when you’re leaving the park or in a tougher scenario because your kids will be used to that contingency,” explains Grass. You can also use it to preview the day so your child knows what to expect: “First we’re going to have breakfast and then we’re going to a friend’s house.”
This resonated with another parent in the comments, who shared: “I like this because it’s rational thinking that they can easily implement as they become adults. FIRST I know I need to do the laundry THEN I can relax on the couch. As an adult, there’s no one to offer me gummy bears for doing the laundry (although I wish there was lol). I feel it would be hard to self-motivate as you got older if you were used to constantly relying on an outside reward for getting things done instead of having a first/then mindset.”
Ultimately, you’re just laying out what’s going to happen during the day in a way that makes it more likely that your kid will cooperate. The important part is to be consistent! If you keep your tot in the loop on their firsts and thens, they’ll feel like they’re still running the show—and you’ll hopefully be spending way less time negotiating. It’s a win-win.
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