It’s only been a short period of time that I’ve stood beside Kanen in this autism journey—6 months ago to be exact is when I heard the official words that changed my world. I don’t know what it is about those words that find a way into a mother’s soul and crushes her spirt but they do. I think mainly because we know this world is not designed for different. It’s simply not made for our child.
During the grieving process you might find your self slipping into the darkness that surrounds any diagnosis. Praying for a light at the end of the tunnel. Before autism changed my world, I was motivated. I was selfish. I was everything you would expect a young 25 year old girl to be. And overnight I knew I had to grow up far beyond the years of my peers.
It was almost instantly that I stopped relating to girls’ night out or “Sunday Funday’s.” While my friends were out living their best lives, my life suddenly felt like I was parachuted into the middle of a dark jungle, expected to walk down a path I’ve never seen before. With no directions, no map, no flashlight, and definitely no tour guide.
Along the voyage I learned I wasn’t alone. I found other mom’s in the dark. And they did something remarkable. Life changing even. They took a seat right beside me. Maybe they sat for only a moment, maybe it’s was for a few days, or a week, or a month. “I will sit in the dark with you, for as long as you need. Whenever you need” they said.
I’ve learned life will throw you curveballs you were never prepared to bat up for. And when they hit they’ll leave bruises that might take a lifetime to heal. It’s okay to cry, be angry, mad, sad, frustrated, and confused. To feel like you’re lost in the dark. Feel all the feels, you’re human too, remember that. But just know you’re never alone. I’ll always be here to take a seat with you. For as long as you need or whenever you need.
Samira is a 25 year old single mom to a 2 year old son Kanen Arley. Her son Kanen was diagnosed with severe non-verbal autism in September of 2020, which inspired her to start sharing their journey through My Charming Arley on Facebook and Samirasstella on Instagram.
Your life is blossoming. You’re on the edge of adulthood. The future is full of such possibilities. It really is such an exciting time.
Me now? I’ll be 34 soon. (Gulp. I started applying more face creams than I ever knew existed).
But, what I’ve noticed over the past few years is that this is a hard season for my friends and childhood acquaintances. As we’ve aged there is more and more bad life stuff. Deaths, divorces, sick children, heart-breaking infertility—the really deep hard stuff.
My “let me check on you” list has never been longer. Which really made me start thinking about life. And, what is actually important. And, what I wish I knew before.
So, here is my shortlist of things I wish I knew at 17.
1. Go out to eat for breakfast or lunch or dinner with your parent(s) and grandparents. When they ask you to do things that annoy you (AKA spend time with them) do it. Life is fast and unkind. Time goes way too fast and we lose people way too soon.
2. Enjoy your youth. Really enjoy it. Enjoy being able to move without pain. To wake up without needing makeup and an anti-inflammatory. To have minimal real-world worries. You have the rest of your life to worry and adult—enjoy your youth.
3. Find friends. Real friends. At some point in your life (the sooner the better) take the time to find real friends. And, hold on to them tight. You’re going to need each other. More than you will ever know. There will be marriages, divorces, deaths, infertility, miscarriages, terminally ill children, and everyday hard daily life. You are going to need friends for the celebrations and for the grieving. Trust me. You won’t make it without them.
4. Be a good woman. The world needs more of them. Don’t mess with someone else’s man. Trust me—most of the time (in this situation) it’s the man who is the issue. Real men, the kind of man you want, won’t cheat. Not on you and not on the one before you (with you).
5. Get an education or career. Be self-sufficient. Gone are the days whereas a whole woman can count on men to support them and their families. Does it happen? Surely. But, always know you can fall back on yourself.
6. Know that you have more to offer the world than your external looks. The world will judge you by every part of your body every chance it gets. Know inside that you are worth more. Even if you’re beautiful—you are worth more.
7. If you decide to take the educated path know that the more successful you are—the more people will be intimidated by you. It’s something in our DNA. Especially true for men and dating. Men are programmed to be the breadwinners and protectors. Our society is no longer set up for that old world system. But, the judgment still happens. Don’t base your worth on this.
8. Know that you can’t fix or change anyone but you. You can’t. Don’t even try. But, you can fix and change yourself. And, you should—every chance you get.
9. You can’t love away addiction. You can’t love away mental illness. You can’t love away the broken parts of people. You can love people and support them in them wanting to get better, but you alone, cannot love anything away in someone else.
10. When someone shows you who they are. Believe them. The first time. That’s the universe’s way of warning you. Listen to the whispers.
Know that life is beautiful and tragic. If you don’t know rain, if you don’t live in the rain, the sunshine isn’t as bright.
JACQUELINE WAXMAN, M.Ed living in New Jersey with her kids. I’m a social worker by profession and Mom by choice. I chauffeur children to their preferred destinations, feed-bathe-and-clothe my little people when we are not playing outside. Passions include writing, photography and advocacy.
Of course, kids are grieving now. The pandemic has plunged all of us into a shared and chronic grief as we mourn life before COVID-19. It is important to recognize the grief in our children (and ourselves) and learn ways to mitigate it. This article will define grief, discuss the stages and symptoms of children’s grief, and give specific ideas for helping children. The ideas can be modified by teachers and other caregivers.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the response to loss. Many think that someone has to die for grief feelings to be real, but grief can be connected to any type of loss. Think of what our kids have lost this past year. The list is so long, but definitely includes the loss of in-person school, friends, routines, sports, missing out on milestones, and life as your children knew it. Also, if you consider that parents are more stressed, without their old routines, worried about their jobs, money, and illness; then you have the perfect storm for collective grief in your home.
Stages of Grief
Years ago, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief. Even for our children, they make sense.
Denial — My life isn’t going to be any different. Nothing will change for me.
Anger — I hate this. Why can’t I see my friends? Everyone is overreacting.
Bargaining — If I just wear my mask for 2 weeks, I can go to school.
Despair — All I feel is sadness. Life will never go back to normal. I don’t have any friends and I am not learning anything.
Acceptance — Although life is tough right now, I can do some things to make it better. I will follow health rules and my parents will help me with new ways to connect. I must be patient.
Symptoms of Grief
Kids will feel the grief in their bodies before you and they recognize it as grief. No one experiences it in exactly the same way. And of course, the symptoms of grief change with each age level of children (SAMHSA). Below are just some of the symptoms to watch for in your kids.
Children 5 years and under may be more clingy, undergo regressed behavior, have eating and sleeping changes, unexplained aches and pains, cry for no reason, have new worries, and act withdrawn.
Children ages 6 to 10 years may have new fears, regression in developmental behavior, sleep problems, more tears, headaches/stomach aches, and act aggressively.
Tweens and teens ages 11-19 years old may show more difficulty coping with life, increased anxiety, more arguments, resist authority, and engage in more risky behavior. If someone in this age group has an underlying mood disorder, the risk of suicide increases significantly.
It is important to recognize that these symptoms can be normal for the grief process. As with worry and sadness, grief should be dealt with as soon as it is identified. Research shows that when strong negative emotions are not addressed, they can lead to lifelong mood disorders, a lower quality of life, and become harder to treat in adulthood. In contrast, when negative emotions are dealt with early in a child’s life, they will learn enduring skills to help them through life’s future bumps and bruises. If we allow a child their sadness, it doesn’t make sadness bigger, instead, it actually makes the sadness smaller because the child feels understood and validated. The child may come to a place of acceptance of her situation and feelings.
Ways to Help with Grief
Listen and then listen more. The article about Worry Time will give you specifics about ways to be present, undistracted, non-judgmental, and use open-ended questions.
Explore what your child is most grieving. It can be helpful to use the tips from the Shrinking the Worry Monsterbook and/or make a DIY Worry Box. It is possible that your child can’t identify his specific losses at first.
Be creative. Often grief feelings don’t come out as words. Have your child write a story about himself, draw a picture, or keep a journal.
Use meditation techniques through apps or books. Just pausing and taking slow deep breaths can be very centering.
Go outside and exercise.
Tell your child that it’s okay not to be okay. Telling someone to have happy thoughts, get over it, or look on the bright side can be dismissive of the genuine pain others are feeling. Though meant to be encouraging, these comments can have the opposite effect and be toxic.
Don’t be dismissive of your child’s grief. Remember that no one has to die for grief feelings to be real. Never negate or qualify anyone’s grief. Also do not compare your child’s grief with others—“Olive lost her grandmother, you’re just missing school.” There are no winners in comparative suffering. Real grief can only be defined by the person feeling it.
Recognize that other’s grief can make us uncomfortable and we tend to avoid it. Minimizing someone’s grief may make “us” feel better, but not the grieving child.
Get professional help if your child seems especially down. And recognize that the risk of suicide among tweens and teens is very real.
Be open to joy and take care of yourself!
Like most of us, your child may be experiencing grief for life before COVID-19. This article defines grief, discusses the stages and symptoms of a child’s grief, and gives specific ways to help minimize the impact of grief. For the sake of your child’s future mental health, research indicates that grief should be addressed early. It is hoped that these tools will be helpful to everyone in your family.
I am a child psychologist who specializes in children's anxiety. I just published a top seller children's book titled Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid's Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. I love sharing ideas about decreasing worry in children, especially now. I also love to hike and bike in beautiful Pacific NW.
It creeps in late at night, when she can’t sleep—because she’s worried about every little detail from the day.
The time she lost her temper.
The show and tell item she forgot to pack.
Rather than believe we’ve succeeded, we question every move we made, how we spent every minute, every chore we didn’t get to.
And if grieving the day weren’t enough…Every winter, grief sneaks in like a looming storm cloud. Maybe it’s the holidays, maybe it’s the earlier sundown; all I know is every winter I spend my nights laying in bed, crying myself to sleep and doubting myself as a mother.
Are we doing enough in therapies?
Should we be adding new supplements?
Is the IEP good enough for meeting his needs? Should I be advocating harder for him? Do my other children get the time they need from me?
The list goes on and on. It’s a noisy spiral of information that I can’t turn off, and it makes me sad and nauseous and I lose hours of sleep—a loss I grieve deeply.
I’m nervous now, because I know it’s coming soon; like an envious green monster, jealous of my peace—it sneaks in during the wee hours of the night, and I can’t shake it off.
Last night, my son came into my room at 2:15. He grabbed my hand and asked me to come lay with him. He didn’t want to sleep alone—maybe it was a nightmare, maybe he was just restless—either way, he was awake.
But in those moments, where he comes to me, and then falls asleep holding my hand, sometimes with his head on my belly—that’s what I need to remember when I can’t shake the grief.
He wanted me.
He trusted me to make him feel safe.
We’ve built this amazing bond after years of fighting my way into his world, and now he’s pulling me into it. I laid there, and enjoyed the quiet—his calm breathing, the peace—and tried to remind myself, don’t forget these details; you’ll need the memory of this moment in a few weeks.
No matter how many wins we’ve had, no matter how many “nevers” he’s checked off the list we thought we were facing four years ago, grief sweeps in and overshadows all of that—even if only temporarily.
I’m actively working on remembering the strides he’s made so that when I feel grief grasping on, when I see that storm cloud forming, I have a list of my own, ready to flash in front of her to suppress her this winter.
The fact that you’re reading this and nodding your head means you’re already aware that she’s coming.
You’re doing a great job, mama.
I see you putting in the work. So does your child.
Remember your successes. Break loose of her grip, celebrate your wins, and shove her aside.
Amanda is a mom of two and lives in Ohio. Her son is on the autism spectrum and is who inspired her to begin her journey through advocacy. In her free time she enjoys teaching dance , hosting the MommingAutism podcast, and writing for her page Jackson’s Journey, Jackson’s Voice.
“I don’t know what to say other than today we found out that Whitman is unique. He’ll get a scholarship to help him do great things. Nothing changes and when it does we’ll figure it out.” I sat on our couch staring at this text. I read it. Re-read it. Cried. It had been a long 24 hours. One minute I was in the preschool pick-up line living my best life and the next I was on the phone being told that there was an opening to get Whitman evaluated for autism.
I said yes because it would be another 2-3 months to wait to have the evaluation if I didn’t say yes. So we prepped. I was going to do this appointment with my mom because Jeremy was going to be in meetings all day. It fell in his tech review time. We got up and headed to the appointment.
I first picked up some Chick-Fil-A (aka: Jesus breakfast) we needed a lot of Jesus to get through this long day I could feel it. Whitman did every evaluation. I answered what seemed like 1,000 pages of questions and then the diagnosis came. “After the review of Whit’s scores, we are putting him on the Autism spectrum.”
I remember the words hanging in the air. It was heavy. “We aren’t changing any therapy he is already having, we’re just adding it to the previous diagnosis of Apraxia.” The developmental pediatrician was super dry so this just sounded like her going through the motions. Which to me felt heartless. How could she not grieve with us?! How could she not want to hug us and promise us she’d help us?! She ended with: “Megan will be in in a few moments with your folder of services that Whitman will qualify for, the genetic testing that needs to be done, and you’ll schedule your follow up appointment for 6 months.”
Megan walked in and handed us a light blue folder as if it’s a “Congratulations your life has changed forever.” What you thought your future might look like isn’t remotely close to how it will be. Your souvenir is a folder of tiny things that we can help you with. Which turned out to be tiny things of nothing. Before we left, the secretary hugged us, and off we went back into the world.
I felt like the world should have been in mourning with us. Not because of Whitman’s diagnosis but because of the realization of how much harder Whitman’s life had gotten in a matter of minutes. The uphill battles of what’s to come. The questions we would hear. The natural blame that people place on you like all of this was Jeremy and my fault. It was a lot to take in. I did what I normally do when something doesn’t go as planned. I’m sad for about 20 minutes and then I move on to get things done especially for sweet Whitman. He had such a hard start and now we were adding more so owed it to him to get the best.
When I got home and unloaded the children, my husband called so I could fill him in on everything. I sobbed. He listened. I tried to make a plan. He just kept saying to slow down and we’d figured it out. Which made me so annoyed. We had to get Whitman into every therapy. We had to get him ahead of the game. I was that naive mom who believed the research that says if your child turns six and is nonverbal your child will be nonverbal forever. Whitman was 4 at the time and I felt like I was on borrowed time. I found a sitter for Vivi so I could be at every therapy appointment. I could take all the notes. We could work on everything at home. In my naive mind, we were going to beat this.
I took a break from research to tend to the children post quiet time and that’s when my husband, the man who has nothing to say until it’s the perfect thing to say, texted. He simply said: “I don’t know what to say other than today we found out that Whitman is unique. He’ll get a scholarship to help him do great things. Nothing changes and when it does we’ll figure it out.” He added that he would vow not to be another statistic when it came to the divorce rate among special needs parents. And that he knew that this wasn’t caused by something that I did. He assured me that life would be different and interesting but we’d get through it together. We are three years in and we are still figuring it out. Days are hard. We lack sleep and patience some days. Our house is always a never-ending disaster. We are trying to keep the promises and vows we made to each other on that diagnosis day. It’s a work in progress that we are still figuring it out.
Lindsey is a mom, wife, and blogger at The Althaus Life. She lives in Ohio with her husband and 2 children. Lindsey is grateful all things and to be able to chronicle her beautifully broken laugh til you cry cry until you laugh life.
I heard it once said that those of us with special needs children suffer a loss. But when we first hear about our child’s diagnosis, it often at times, stays festered up inside. Keeping us full of denial and not wanting to believe it is true. We aren’t physically suffering a loss. We suffer the loss of a dream we had. We have missed expectations and missed experiences.
This is not how it was supposed to be. When bringing a child into our family we imagine what their first day of school will look like. Not, will my son ever speak? By this I mean will he be able to verbally communicate what is going on? You look forward to picking your child up on the first day of school and asking them how their day went. For the past few years of my son attending a developmental preschool, that is a question I have been unable to ask him. I have to rely on his classroom teacher to write it down. I have to rely on his therapists to tell me what they worked on in therapy and how well he did or what issues they had. This is not what it looked liked as I dreamed about my child’s future during pregnancy.
You look forward to activities you can do as a family. If we don’t learn to accept that we are suffering a loss and integrate it into our lives, we will just continue to get knocked down over and over.
Forget about date nights with your significant other because your life turns into revolving around your child. At least for my family, it has. Or worse yet, trying to visit another family or attend holiday celebrations. It’s hard, as much as we try to explain to our family what our son can and cannot handle, they just don’t understand. Is it their fault? Sometimes I feel yes, but then sometimes I remember they don’t live the life I do. They don’t see it on a daily basis to understand what we try to explain. Still, though, more often than not, it saddens me.
What about a simple trip to the store? Up till a few weeks ago, we hadn’t been to a store as a family in months. The experiences of taking your child to the store to get a toy? I can count on one hand how many times we have been able to attempt this. Most end with my husband taking our son out to the car while I get what is needed.
I feel like, in a way, we don’t just try to meet our child’s needs but also end up trying to meet their wants.
I grieve the fact that playdates are not something that will probably happen. I joined a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group where we live, trying to socialize. Make fellow mom friends and allowing Graham social interaction with other kids. Unfortunately, it was not anything like what I imagined. I attended one play date which consisted of me chasing Graham around. I didn’t get to interact much with the other moms and it broke my heart to see my son not socialize with other children. All he wanted to do was run.
Our family outings are rare unless it’s for a doctor’s appointment and then we try to make a day of it. The only day of the week where my husband doesn’t have to go to work, Graham doesn’t go to school, or have therapy is Sundays. I grieve the loss of just our family time, just us three. I struggled with deciding to put Graham in so much therapy at such a young age. I mean who doesn’t want their child to have time to just be a kid?
We started early intervention services at 18 months old. He started going to a developmental preschool Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. He receives speech, occupational, and for a year he received physical therapy. But when we started having more issues with his behavior from the frustration of not being able to communicate, we had to look into additional therapy. So we applied for home ABA therapy and after a 6-month wait, we now do 20 hrs a week of that as well.
Did I ever imagine grieving over things lost with raising an autistic son? Of course not, I imagined a life full of outings, conversations, and family gatherings. We don’t just stop or give up. But things look different for us.
I'm a wife and a mom. I have a three year old son. I spend my time advocating for special needs children, bringing awareness and acceptance to all. My son was diagnosed with severe autism at age two. He is my life.
Disney+ announced today that they have acquired Black Beauty, the latest adaptation of the beloved children’s book written by Anna Sewell. The film is a contemporary version of the 19th century novel about a wild horse captured by humans. Black Beauty will premiere on the streaming service in late 2020.
According to the film’s description, “Black Beauty is a wild mustang born free in the American west. When she is captured and taken away from her family, her story intertwines with that of 17-year old Jo Green, similarly grieving over the loss of her parents. The two slowly develop a bond that is built on love, respect and mutual healing.”
“Black Beauty” features Oscar winner Kate Winslet (The Reader) as the voice of Black Beauty and stars Mackenzie Foy (Interstellar) as Jo Green; Iain Glen (Game of Thrones) as John Manly; and Claire Forlani (Meet Joe Black) as Mrs. Winthorp.
Black Beauty is directed by Ashley Avis (Adolescence) who also wrote the screenplay. JB Pictures’ Jeremy Bolt (Polar, Monster Hunter) and Robert Kulzer (Polar) from Constantin Film are producers and Martin Moszkowicz, Edward Winters and Jon Brown are executive producers. Dylan Tarason is a co-producer, and Moonlighting Films president Genevieve Hofmeyr (Mad Max: Fury Road) is the South African producer.
Black Beauty is produced by Constantin Film and JB Pictures.
There is nothing in a child’s life that will prepare them for the death of a loved one. While children pass through the same stages of grief as adults, due to their limited life experiences, they will grieve differently. It is important to remember that every person and child grieves differently and at his or her own pace, and the sadness they feel due to the loss of a parent or other loved one may be experienced in many different ways over time. By helping your child grieve in a healthy manner, your child can build a new normal, one where happy memories exist with the hope for brighter days.
1. Acknowledge Your Child’s Grief. It is important to recognize that your child is grieving. Be careful not to impose your own grief on your child, but rather allow him or her to grieve in his or her own way. It is normal for children to feel a variety of feelings, including sadness, anger, and fear. Parents might worry about their children when they go from one feeling to the next, but experts assure parents that children will grieve as much as they need to, as long as they are allowed to do so.
2. Be Honest and Explain the Loss. It is important to present the news in a straightforward manner with age-appropriate information. Children may have difficulty processing lengthy explanations, but they do need facts. Something as simple as, “Uncle Joe’s heart stopped working yesterday which made his body stop working.” Older children will need more specific facts, such as the name of an illness. Remember to stay focused on this one incident and provide frequent reminders that you are ok.
3. Share Memories. Find ways as a family to remember your loved one. Perhaps it’s something that’s visible on a daily basis, like planting a tree in the back yard or creating a special picture book all about Uncle Joe, or sending off balloons once a year—anything that connects your family to your loved one who has passed.
4. Write about the Experience. One way to help children move past their grief is to have a parent or adult write down the experience of hearing the loss so that the child does not have to relive it all of the time. Many times, children (and adults) are afraid or nervous that if that don’t relive the moment of death, they will forget it. By having something to reflect on, they will always be able to remember the experience and therefore be able to move forward.
5. Allow Children to Participate: Engaging children in the planning of activities can help them feel connected to what is happening around them. Let them talk about it.Children need to have the opportunity to put their feelings into words. They may be anxious about the safety of other loved ones or themselves. Or they may be feeling guilty about times they weren’t nice to the deceased, or sad thinking about opportunities they missed to show affection. They will do better if they can express their feelings to those who can provide the reassurance they need to heal.
6. Provide Resources: Consider turning to activities that you can do as a family to help with the grieving process. These may include reading children’s books or watching movies. Connecting with characters or hearing another expert’s perspective may help them feel less alone in the experience. During the healing process, they will likely realize that everyone will go through the loss of either with a pet or a loved one.
Here are 4 books that can help children process their grief and loss.
A Tiny Step Forward by Charlene Khaghan and Jill Starishevsky (Ages 4-8) A Tiny Step Forward was written to let young children know that if they have lost someone close, be it a friend or family member, it is okay to feel upset and miss the person they are grieving. And, in the days that follow, it is okay to once again feel happy and to enjoy life as their loved one would have wanted for them. Though each day may only be a tiny step forward, the author’s hope is that the final stanza of the book will always serve as a reminder that our loved ones are never truly gone as long as they live in our hearts. In addition, the book includes a section designated for kids to include a photo of their loved one and space to include some of their favorite thoughts and memories.
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst (Ages 7-12) The Invisible String is a very simple approach to overcoming the fear of loneliness or separation with an imaginative flair that children can easily identify with and remember. Here is a warm and delightful lesson teaching young and old that we aren’t ever really alone and reminding children (and adults!) that when we are loved beyond anything we can imagine. “People who love each other are always connected by a very special string, made of love. Even though you can’t see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart, and know that you are always connected to the ones you love.”
The Remarkable Journey of Coyote Sunrise by Dan Gemeinhart (Ages 9-12) The Remarkable Journey of Coyote Sunrise: Five years. That’s how long Coyote and her dad, Rodeo, have lived on the road in an old school bus, criss-crossing the nation. It’s also how long ago Coyote lost her mom and two sisters in a car crash.
Coyote hasn’t been home in all that time, but when she learns that the park in her old neighborhood is being demolished―the very same park where she, her mom, and her sisters buried a treasured memory box―she devises an elaborate plan to get her dad to drive 3,600 miles back to Washington state in four days…without him realizing it.
Seven Clues to Home by Gae Polisner and Nora Raleigh Baskin (Ages 8-12) Seven Clues to Home:When you’ve lost what matters most, how do you find your way back home? Joy Fonseca is dreading her 13th birthday, dreading being reminded again about her best friend Lukas’s senseless death on this day, one year ago—and dreading the fact he may have heard what she accidentally blurted to him the night before. Or maybe she’s more worried he didn’t hear. Either way, she’s decided: she’s going to finally open the first clue to their annual birthday scavenger hunt Lukas left for her the morning he died, hoping the rest of the clues are still out there. If they are, they might lead Joy to whatever last words Lukas wrote, and toward understanding how to grab onto the future that is meant to be hers.
A mother of five children, Charlene’s husband passed away suddenly when their youngest child was only three years old. Khaghan has a master’s degree in special education and LMSW in social work. She currently works as a therapist in a university counseling center.
COVID-19 has dealt devastating blows to families across the country and the world. In addition to the fear and anxiety, a deep level of sadness has accompanied the virus as it has traveled from community to community. The loss of jobs, loss of income, being prohibited from seeing family members during state-mandated social isolation—all of which have taken a toll on young and old alike.
Aside from the loss of life and the work of first responders, I do believe that the heaviest weight has fallen on families with school-age children. Developmentally, younger kids are not in a place to fully comprehend the far-reaching implications of a global pandemic. All that children know is that they’ve missed out on the end of the 2020 school year with their friends and teachers. Student-athletes have lost entire sports seasons. Seniors have lost their senior prom, traditional graduation ceremony, last high school choir concert, baseball game, track meet, or musical. The multiple losses of significant life events, like funerals, graduations, and weddings, coupled with the loss of social contact, and loss of predictability, and stability in routines have led to a real emotional crisis for kids as well as parents.
As a mental health professional, I find myself more and more coaching families through the grief of these losses. It’s easy—too easy—to trivialize and invalidate the feelings that kids are going through. For example, I have seen a number of social media posts alluding to the fact that, decades ago, 18-year-olds were being shipped to Vietnam after the draft, and that losing prom and graduation is a ridiculous “loss” compared to that much more serious sacrifice. Well, of course losing graduation isn’t that same as being sent off to war, but that doesn’t mean that teens aren’t going to grieve the loss of events and milestones that were important to them. These are events that they (and their parents) had looked forward to their entire lives. In the very same way, the loss of graduation for seniors does not invalidate the sadness of a grieving grade-schooler who is missing all of the fun and friendship they had each day at school.
Here are the most important things I think kids need right now to manage these losses and help them become happier and more resilient children.
1. Offer a listening ear. Parents need to listen for the small cues kids will give that can open up meaningful conversation.
2. Validate Feelings. You may be tempted to encourage your child to quickly reframe their negative feelings about the losses at this time, but don’t rush it. People need to learn to wrestle their way out of a bad mood themselves. If your child expresses being upset because of a loss from COVID, you can tell them that you hear that they are sad and frustrated, then ask what they think they need at this time to help. If they are unsure you can make gentle suggestions: to see a friend (whether virtually or in person at a park), a hug, some time alone, or an activity to distract them from feeling down. Let them lead the healing after you’ve validated that their feelings are real and legitimate.
3. Describe what it means to grieve over a loss to your child. Explain how difficult it can be to move on when something is gone that can’t be replaced. How it’s normal to be upset when everything in life seems to change in a moment, and when you can’t be around people you care about. Share with them that they will likely feel sad, frustrated, even angry at the losses. This will help normalize the emotions they are experiencing and remind them that you not only care but also understand what’s going on. You will be narrating the experience to them on an emotional level, which is something all children need in uncertain times.
4. Try to keep in mind that everyone is struggling right now to some degree. Outbursts, snappy comeback, and frustration with the people around us are to be expected. Try your best to see the hurt instead of the behavior. If we aspire to this, our kids will see that we are safe people they can trust with big emotions and will express them to us instead of turning toward unhealthy coping skills later.
It isn’t easy getting through times like these. But with some focus on the emotional processing of the grief we all share from losing so much, it can be done.
Erin Wiley, MA, LPC, LPCC, is a clinical psychotherapist and the Executive Director of The Willow Center, a counseling practice in Toledo, Ohio. The clinical focus of her therapy work is marriage, family, parenting, and relationships. She has extensive training in marriage counseling from the Gottman Institute.
The loss of a loved one can feel like the end of the world, especially for a child. By helping your child grieve, your child can build a new normal life, one where happy memories exist with the hope for brighter days.
Young children need to know that if they have lost someone close, be it friend, pet or family member, it is okay to feel upset and miss the person they are grieving. And, in the days that follow, it is okay to once again feel happy and to enjoy life as their loved one would have wanted for them.
6 Tips for Helping Children Grieve
Acknowledge your child’s grief. It is important to recognize that your child is grieving. Be careful not to impose your own grief on your child, but rather allow him or her to grieve in his or her own way. It is normal for children to feel a variety of feelings, including sadness, anger, and fear. Parents might worry about their children when they go from one feeling to the next, but experts assure parents that children will grieve as much as they need to, as long as they are allowed to do so.
Be honest and explain the loss. It is important to present the news in a straightforward manner with age-appropriate information. Children may have difficulty processing lengthy explanations, but they do need facts. Something as simple as, “Uncle Joe’s heart stopped working yesterday which made his body stop working. Older children will need more specific facts, such as the name of an illness. Remember to stay focused on this one incident and provide frequent reminders that you are ok.
Share Memories. Find ways as a family to remember your loved one. Perhaps it’s something that’s visible on a daily basis, like planting a tree in the back yard or creating a special picture book all about Uncle Joe, or sending off balloons once a year—anything that connects your family to your loved one who has passed.
Write about the Experience. One way to help children move past their grief is to have a parent or an adult write down the experience of hearing the loss so that the child does not have to relive it all of the time. Many times, children (and adults) are afraid and nervous that if that don’t relive the moment of death, they will forget it. By having something to reflect on, they will always be able to remember the experience and therefore be able to move forward.
Allow Children to Participate: Engaging children in the planning of activities can help them feel connected to what is happening around them. Let them talk about it. Children need to have the opportunity to put their feelings into words. They may be anxious about the safety of other loved ones or themselves. Or they may be feeling guilty about times they weren’t nice to the deceased, or sad thinking about opportunities they missed to show affection. They will do better if they can express their feelings to those who can provide the reassurance they need to heal.
Provide Resources: Consider turning to activities that you can do as a family to help with the grieving process. These may include reading children’s books like “A Tiny Step Forward,” or watching movies. Connecting with characters or hearing another expert’s perspective may help them feel less alone in the experience. During the healing process, they will likely realize that this everyone will go through the loss of either with a pet or a loved one.
A mother of five children, Charlene’s husband passed away suddenly when their youngest child was only three years old. Khaghan has a master’s degree in special education and LMSW in social work. She currently works as a therapist in a university counseling center.
