ML Interest Tag: sibling

6 Strategies to Stop Siblings Fights & Restore the Peace

By Krissy Dieruf

While the world has been social distancing, family units have been getting a healthy dose of together time. Siblings especially have spent an extended amount of time together without friends or activities. Some days have probably been amazing. Others may look more like a WWE match. Hours upon hours of sharing and interacting can begin to wear any friendship thin.

Either way, it is normal for siblings to fight. Siblings rarely share similar personalities despite being raised in the same family. Differing ideas, preferences, goals, wants, needs, temperaments, and personality traits are going to create friction. Maybe even cause a few little fists to fly. Rest assured, there are things you can do to help your kids get along better, and also to change any behaviors that might trigger a tussle.

When your kids start to royal rumble, try these 6 strategies:

1. Let them work it out. The first thing to do if your kids are arguing is to wait and see if they can work it out themselves. Depending on the age of your children, sometimes they can come to a conclusion on their own. Do this only if the argument is verbal, never if it’s physical. If kids start physically fighting, stop it immediately and help them to calm their bodies.

2. Separate and calm. If you have a little one who immediately lashes out physically by pushing, hitting, or kicking, offer them something else to make contact with when they are mad. It’s never okay to hit, but you can punch a pillow, rip up a newspaper, or kick a bean bag chair. Then take some deep breaths and calm down.

3. Let them tell their story. Giving kids a chance to tell their side in an argument can be empowering. Even though to us it’s ridiculous to fight over the same stinking orange LEGO when a zillion other Legos are sitting right there, it’s a big deal to them. Feeling heard is essential. Often when my kids get a chance to tell their story, they can even catch a glimpse of how their actions added to the problem.

4. Verbalize feelings. Kids often react to emotions quickly and don’t always know what they are feeling. Saying the feelings out loud for them helps to ground them at the moment, and help identify what is going on internally. “Jimmy, it sounds like you are really mad that Lucy took that LEGO when you wanted to use it.” And “Lucy, you are feeling jealous of his LEGO house, and now your feelings are hurt because he said yours is dumb.” So often, when my kids hear me spelling it all out with their feelings, instead of telling them what to do, they feel validated and can move on. Sometimes they even apologize to each other without being prompted.

5. Pay attention to the need, not the negative behavior. When kids repeat the same frustrating behaviors that cause fights and friction, it is likely because they are trying to meet a need. For example, if a child is picking on their younger sibling to bug them, they are probably bored, jealous, or feel hurt by that child and want to pay them back. When we see negative behavior, we instantly want to give a consequence to make it stop. But when we do that, the child’s need fails to be met. The conflict will likely return. It is much better to ignore the behavior and pay attention to the need. When kids are fighting, say something like, “I wonder if you’re doing that because you’re mad/sad/worried/hurt?” This identification gives the feelings attention, not the negative behavior. Offer positive ways for the child to get attention, such as asking the sibling to play, for a hug or time together.

6. Shake some love. I remember a video I saw a few years ago where a mom talked about her “love shaker.” It was a can she had put rice in and taped up. Anytime her kids seemed like they were having a hard time, she would shake it over their heads and say she was shaking love all over them. I thought it was the sweetest idea, and while I still haven’t made a can of my own, I do something similar when my kids are bickering. Without teasing them or minimizing their problem, I start hugging them and telling them how amazing they are. I gush about how special and kind and thoughtful and gorgeous and funny they are. Sometimes I even use a silly accent. They giggle and roll their eyes and forget what they were fighting about in the first place. Sometimes kids are feeling bad about themselves and don’t know what to do with those big feelings, so they take it out on siblings. Shaking love on them and reminding each kid how awesome they are helps them feel good, like they want to share the love too.

Arguments between siblings are incredible learning lessons for how to interact and argue in healthy, appropriate ways within various relationships throughout their entire lives. Siblings fight, but they can learn to work it out, makeup, and get their needs met. The important thing is to stay calm and help each child verbalize feelings without throwing a fit or a fist. Godspeed, my friend. 

 

 

 

 

 

Krissy Dieruf is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, loves to sing and dance around the house and has a soft spot for rebels and crazy hair. 

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Study Says Second-Born Kids Are More Likely to Be Troublemakers

by Shahrzad Warkentin

If your second child was born with a twinkle of mischief in his eye, there’s now a scientific explanation for the streak of troublemaking that follows.

A study from MIT economist, Joseph Doyle, claims that second child syndrome is a completely legit phenomenon. According to the report, second-born kids are more likely to be rebellious. Of the thousands of sibling pairs involved in the study, 25-40% of the second-borns were more likely to get in trouble at school.

One explanation offered by the report is that first-born children tend to get more time and attention from their parents than subsequent kids. It could also have something to do with the fact that younger siblings are also significantly influenced by more than just their parents from day one. “The firstborn has role models, who are adults. And the second, later-born children have role models who are slightly irrational 2-year-olds, you know, their older siblings,” Doyle told NPR.

Studies are one thing, but you can definitely see why this applies in real life. Ask any parent what the difference was between raising a first and second child, and the would probably give you a laundry list. And no matter how perfect your first child acts, there is no denying your second child has the opportunity to pick up on some more, um, unfavorable behaviors.

Thanks first children, for paving the way for the second child in the family to be a total pain in the butt.

Kidding. (Sort of.)

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10 Fun Activities Babies Can Play with Big Siblings

by Oz Spies

The great thing about babies is that they’re easily entertained, which is especially helpful when you’re trying to build a connection between your tot and their older sibling. Babes are obsessed with everything their siblings do, and bigs take great pleasure in making their babies laugh, or showing off their “reading” skills with their favorite nursery rhymes. So before your tot becomes a toddler and turns your big kid’s world upside down, your baby can start bonding with their older sibling by playing sweet and silly games together. These budding connections will only grow as your kiddos get bigger. From classics like peekaboo to anything-goes dance parties, here are our favorite sibling activities for big kids and babies.

1. Peekaboo

This old favorite is a classic for a reason! Peekaboo is an easy, surefire way for an older sibling to put a smile on baby’s face. To add an extra twist to the game, get out a lightweight blanket that your older kid can drape over their head, and then let your little one take off the blanket. Big kids can also play peekaboo with favorite stuffies, hiding them behind their backs before the big reveal. Ta-da!

2. Making the Band

Kids of all ages love to rock out. Gather up musical instruments—xylophones, rattles, even ukuleles for the big kids—and encourage your kids to make beautiful music together. If you don’t have instruments, break out the pots and pans and wooden spoons. If your budding musicians want to make their own instruments, dig into the recycling bin: Make a drum out of an oatmeal canister or a shaker by putting beans in a toilet paper tube and taping over each end. You can find more baby Mozart-worthy DIY instrument ideas here.

3. To the Races

Encourage mobile kids to get out their wiggles and race each other across the living room. To even things out, big kids can do a crab walk or walk backwards while little ones crawl or scoot. Ready, set, go!

photo: Edward Cisneros via Unsplash

4. Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Babies adore seeing faces—especially when they belong to beloved older siblings. Big kids can pretend to be mirrors and mimic their little siblings’ expressions, or make an exaggerated face and see if their baby sibling can do the same. The eye contact siblings make when they’re playing a mirror game helps to strengthen their bond as future besties.

5. Echo

The imitation game can also be played with sounds: Have the older sibling mimic the coos and noises their little sibling makes. For a twist, your big kid can even extend those oohs and aahs into words. This back-and-forth is how babies learn to talk and take turns in conversations, so by playing this game your older sibling is creating the building blocks for your baby’s future babbling!

6. Patty Cake

Rhymes, hand-clapping games, and finger-play classics are always a sibling playtime hit. Your older child can teach their little new tricks with patty cake, or throw other preschool favorites, like the Itsy Bitsy Spider or Five Little Monkeys, into the mix.

7. Story Time

Long before kids can read, they memorize their favorite picture books. Older siblings feel oh-so-grown-up when they “read” these books to baby siblings. Don’t worry if your child doesn’t know all the words yet; just reciting the beginning, middle, and end of the story will entertain their younger sibling. To make the story time a little extra special, add puppets, like these from the Etsy shop Frankly Fun Felt ($18).

8. Made You Laugh

Is there anything better than baby giggles? Challenge big brothers and sisters to make the baby laugh without touching them. They can try funny faces, silly dances, pretending to be an elephant, putting their shoes on their head…. Anything goes!

photo: Jens Johnsson via Unsplash

9. Keep It Rolling

Rolling a ball back and forth is an easy introduction to taking turns, and kids can play this game together almost as soon as little ones are sitting up on their own. Easy-to-grab balls like this one from Oball ($5) help baby play the game. Big and little siblings can also roll cars or trains back and forth. Pro tip: Rolling two similar toys back and forth at once makes taking turns a little easier because each kiddo will have a toy to hold onto at all times.

10. Dance Party

Put on your favorite tunes, pull out some gauzy scarves, and get a dance party started. To make it extra special, just add bubbles. Give your baby a rattle if they aren’t quite big enough for a full-body boogie. We guarantee it’ll give you a few minutes of peace—and you might be inspired to join in the fun.

Make sure to capture all those sweet bonding moments—and share them with your family and friends near and far—with the Tinybeans app. The secure platform puts parents in total control of who sees and interacts with photos and videos of their kids.

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This Parenting Hack May Be the Best One Yet

By Jocelyn Greene

You know those days:  

  • Your kid sees a new vegetable on their plate and they deliver an Oscar-worthy performance of revulsion!
  • The flu shot appointment is in 10 minutes and they refuse to leave the house.
  • An inter-sibling squabble has erupted and the house is consumed in chaos.  
  • It is homework time, and feelings of being overwhelmed and anxiety have capsized your kid…

There are daily (dare I say hourly!) parenting hurdles in which patience runs thin and the words to reassure, cheerlead, positively reinforce ring, well…hollow.  These are the moments when emotions get the better of our kids and their legitimate (but explosive) feelings are no match for our better-selves.

Enter…The puppet!

“Puppets can be powerful learning tools for you [the adult] too. Because they can open the door for some important conversations, they can help you gain insight into what children are thinking about and how you might support them,” said Hedda Sharapan, an early childhood development expert at The Fred Rogers Center.

You don’t have to speak in a slew of funny voices or be a Jim Henson or a Fred Rogers to use a puppet as a parent! In other words, don’t get performance anxiety! Rather, think of the puppet as a playful tool in the arsenal of your parenting that will help make life just a little easier.

In fact, in Child’s Play NY classes for our pre-k and kindergarten set, puppets are an invaluable tool in unlocking shy voices and getting the group laughing and playing together.  

Why a Puppet is the Best

  • Using a puppet can support our kid’s social-emotional development.  
  • They will be able to talk to the puppet in a way that they might not be able to talk to us.  
  • When they use puppets, kids can also talk to each other and problem-solve creatively.  
  • Puppets support communication and emotional literacy since kids can face feelings through play.

How to Use a Puppet to Manage Emotions

Check out this video to see how a simple puppet can be the best parenting hack but in a nutshell, “Puppet Problems” lets kids have the (right amount of) power.  

I suggest that the puppet (which is voiced by you!) be scared, misbehaving, or working on the issue that you know your kid is going through. In the video you see us working on a game I call, “Puppet Problems!” This lets your kids be leaders and teachers. For example, when the lion doesn’t want to try vegetables, and your kid has to encourage them, they get to articulate all the good stuff that you’ve been instilling in them! “Lion, these green beans have vitamins!” Ultimately this role-reversal, where they get to be in charge, is so empowering too!

Playing in Character Sheds Light on Good Stuff…and it is Fun!

Role-playing is really healthy. It is also a good opportunity to get to know your child even better and see what they know or what they feel. Maybe they articulate their concerns in a new way, or they express to the puppet something that they might not otherwise voice to you! The exciting thing is that when you the parent voice the puppet, you can communicate with them in a non-threatening way. Essentially, the adult puppeteer disappears.

How to Pick Your Puppets

Get some puppets that are characters you think your child will love to engage with. If they are excited by animals, princesses or astronauts…there’s a puppet for that! That way, they will be even more excited to enter in a dialogue with the puppet – especially if it is the kind of character that they might want to be friends with in real life. I’m constantly amazed by how willingly kids are able to engage with a puppet, ask it questions, give it counsel. But it all starts with a puppet that they are excited to interact with. In the video, we use ones from Melissa and Doug and ones from Folkmania.  

Get Creative with your Puppet

Honestly, though, you don’t need to buy a puppet. You can turn your body into a puppet! Check out this video of Silly Chins to see how, with very few supplies, you can make a great (and goofy) puppet with what you have. You can paint faces on your thumb, or the side of your hand too! And if you are looking for an art project extension (hello, rainy day activity!), paper bags and socks also make excellent puppets. Additionally, since your child will have a hand at making this puppet, they might use it even more effectively than a store-bought one for articulating their emotions.  

When to Use Puppets

Don’t bust out the puppet for the first time in the middle of a tantrum! It is better to introduce this prop when the issue isn’t even presenting itself. For example, try after dinner or at a chill moment on the weekend. Like preventative medicine, work on the issue not when there is a true emergency. When you use a puppet in this playful way, you start the wheels spinning about bravery and behavior you want to see more of.

Here’s some examples of times when busting out the puppet can help open up communication:

  • The birth of a sibling
  • A loss in the family
  • Trouble falling asleep
  • Sibling rivalry
  • Having trouble sharing
  • General anxiety
  • Conflict resolution
  • Aggression
  • Death of a pet
  • Bullying
  • Unwillingness to try new food
  • Attending a new school or camp

 

This post originally appeared on Child's Play In Action.

Jocelyn Greene is a Brooklyn based educator, director and mom.  With her company, Child's Play NY, she teaches hundreds of kids a year and is equally joyous adapting fairytales for 4s as she is staging Shakespaere with the teens. Check out http://www.childsplayinaction.com/ for video tutorials on game-based play to do at home! 

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How Do I Tell My Only Child They’re Getting a Sibling?

By Gay Cioffi

Before answering this question, I always begin by asking a parent to imagine what it would be like if their spouse or partner made an announcement one day, out of the blue, that went something like this: 

“I have exciting news. You are a wonderful spouse and I love you very much. But, I have decided for our family that it would be incredible if we got another spouse to live with us and join our family. It is going to be so great! And, you will be the special ‘first’ spouse who gets to teach this new spouse everything you know. You are going to love it!” 

Most of us would say something like, “Really?! …Seriously?” 

This is basically how the idea of a new baby can come across to an only child. Of course, this news should be shared joyfully; however, I am suggesting that parents be mindful of the magnitude of the changes it will bring to the family dynamic and the questions it may raise for the firstborn. 

For the child who has had the undivided attention of the adults in his or her world for the first few years (or more) of life, this is a significant change and a transition with which a young child has nothing to compare it. So, in addition to a predictable schedule, plenty of rest, nutritious food and clear limits, there will undoubtedly be times when they need extra support.

Let’s start with timing. I have seen many parents excitedly share news of their pregnancy with their first born as soon as they themselves receive it. Although generally, I don’t think that keeping secrets from children is a good idea, timing is an important thing to consider when telling a child that they are going to have a sibling.

Young children do not have a good grasp of the concept of time and struggle to comprehend just when this event will happen.  Phrases like, “next summer” or “this October” have little meaning for the young child. Young children basically recognize three standards of time: yesterday (which is everything in the past), the present (which is right now) and tomorrow—which is everything in the future. A more sophisticated understanding of time does not fully emerge until age seven.

I have on many occasions seen happy, carefree young children become anxious when they receive this information from their parents very early in the pregnancy. They don’t have a sense of when this event—possibly as long as eight months away—will take place or what it will mean for them.

At the nursery school where I worked, we would even sometimes observe a happy child suddenly turn out-of-sorts.  Separation anxiety or other behavior that indicates stress, such as biting or toilet training regression, would appear. Teachers would take note, provide extra support for the child and check in with the parents. Frequently, parents would share the news that they were expecting another child and that there were daily talks about it with their child in an attempt to prepare their child for the baby’s arrival. Their conversations often emphasized how great it was going to be for the child to be a big brother or big sister. 

Prior to sharing the big news, it might be helpful to talk with your child about families in general. Ask them questions to determine what they already know about families.  Explain that some have just one child, as yours does, some have several children. Have your child think about family models in your immediate family and your circle of friends. Mention that someday your family might grow to have more than one child.

Point out different family structures in the books that you read as well. Welcome their observations and questions. If you have siblings, share stories about your memories of brothers and sisters. Depending on the age of your child, children under four may have a limited understanding of family relationships, so talk with children about families in the simplest of terms.

This is an excellent opportunity to point out that not every family is the same. Some have just one mom or dad, or two moms and two dads.  The one thing that all families have in common? Lots of love.

Nursery schools often have children bring in photographs of their family to display in the classroom, and this is another good way for children to learn about different family makeups.

I remember interviewing children for a short film that I was making about the Little Folks Nursery School and asking them what a family is. Their responses were endearing and hilarious and went something like this: “a family is people that live together, a family is a place where someone gives you food, a family is the people that take care of you and give you hugs.”

When sharing news of an addition to the family, rather than trying to convince a young one that this new baby is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to them, I suggest framing the news in this way: “We are going to have a new baby in our family.” If you can reference a baby in another family that your child knows, that gives them a concrete example.

“We are excited, just as we were when we were expecting you. Babies are so sweet and cuddly but, in the beginning, I will have to feed them a lot and change their diaper”. While it’s okay to offer the “helper” position, this can add to the confusion when parents push it too hard. Because young children are so literal, they can misunderstand what the expectations are and feel like they will be expected to have too much responsibility. 

Unlike my hypothetical story about getting another wife or husband, your child can absorb this news on their terms when the news is calmly and simply presented. And remember, the changes this event will bring to your family are ultimately positive. It may be challenging at times, but by giving your child a sibling, you are giving them a gift. As someone who is the youngest in a family of five children, I can certainly attest to “the more, the merrier.”

I am a parent and grandparent with over four decades of experience in early childhood education. I share my passion, wisdom and experience, with parents and the people who care for and about children at Little Folks Big Questions, where we're out to answer the questions parents face in today's world.

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Make Plans Now for Summer Camp Success

By Andrew Townsend

Photo: Kennolyn Camps

I know summer is months away and here I am telling you to start planning for summer camp. But making plans now can mean the difference between a successful camp experience at the camp that best suits your child and a frantic summer spent calling around for last-minute camp opportunities. Here are six reasons you should plan early for summer camp:

1. Save Money. Camp is different than many travel-related products in that the best deals come early. It is very unlikely that you will see prices for a reputable summer camp drop as the season approaches. There are two main reasons for this. First, generally, demand exceeds availability at the best camps. Second, camps consider their customers long term partners since many families return year after year and even over multiple generations.  Therefore, it is seen as short-sighted to discount spaces at the last minute at the risk of alienating those who paid full price and signed up early. The best discounts are usually early-bird specials and the deadlines depend on the registration cycle for each camp. A well-established overnight camp will usually start taking applications in the fall so early bird deadlines may be as early as December or January. A local day camp may not open registration until spring so May 1st may be their early deadline. You will need to do some research but the majority of camps offer discounts for early registration. Other common savings include sibling and multiple session discounts.

2. Financial Aid requires forward planning. If you want financial aid to help with the costs of camp, those deadlines can sometimes be months ahead of the summer season. Again, the reason is largely to do with demand. If a camp is filling all their sessions by February, they can’t keep open a range of spots for applicants who need financial aid. The financial aid deadline will largely be in line with, and often even earlier than the early registration deadline. Many camps will require proof of income so make sure you allow time to get these documents together before the deadline. Remember, some camps have affordability as their primary mission and in these cases, deadlines are often more flexible and later in the season. You can do a simple Google search for free and low-cost summer camps to find these flexible options.

3. Your camper needs time to get used to the idea of camp. The end of the school year is stressful for children and parents. Don’t add the stress of figuring out summer camp plans to that already busy time. Make your decision now and let your camper enjoy the long build-up to camp. Most camps are active with social media, videos, emails, and newsletters and use these channels to build excitement among campers. Let your camper be a part of the excitement as it builds.

4. Time to find a friend. A lot of families decide they really want their child to go to camp with a friend. Although camp directors will generally downplay the importance of this, it makes things easier for a lot of first-time campers. Other families use camp as a way to connect cousins or distant friends who don’t see each other often. As hard as it is to coordinate one family’s summer plans, it is exponentially harder with multiple families. So get some camp dates on the calendar now before everyone’s summer is full.

5. Time to buy the stuff you need. A one-week day camp will have a very basic list of things to bring each day but a multi-week overnight camp might have a long list of specialist clothing and equipment that is needed. Most of the needed items can be sourced quite cheaply if you have enough time. Booking camp early will also give you the time to go through the ritual of naming all of your child’s belongings so that at least some of it will come home at the end of the session.

6. You can plan around the camp dates. If you are sending all of your kids to camp at the same time, especially an overnight camp, you suddenly have time on the calendar to arrange things for yourself. Maybe that’s a vacation without the kids. Interestingly, the most common decision by suddenly and temporarily childless parents is a working staycation. Many parents with kids at camp used to travel abroad but now the trend seems to be saving precious vacation time for family trips but using the kids being away to have adult time. You might still work but have time in the evenings for late dinners, movies, walks, binge-watching TV, etc. And, if the kids are at overnight camp, the weekends are gloriously free of kid’s sports, birthday parties, and kids in general.  All of this makes you a much more patient parent for the rest of the summer. It’s a real win-win situation.

 

I am a summer camp director and youth development professional.  I have 3 kids all now over the age of 18.  Oh the lessons I learned! I enjoy writing, walking, travelling, and binge watching on Netflix. I truly believe that Summer Camp is an important learning opportunity for all children.

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Amy Schumer Shares Incredibly Honest Post About Undergoing IVF

by Shahrzad Warkentin

Opening up about infertility isn’t always easy, but leave it to comedian and mom Amy Schumer to be honest and candid about the struggle so many women go through.

Schumer recently shared a raw photo of her bare belly, bruised from IVF treatment, which she revealed she is currently undergoing. “I’m a week into IVF and feeling really run down and emotional,” Schumer wrote in the post. She added, “We are freezing my eggs and figuring out what to do to give Gene a sibling.”

In addition to being open about her experience, Schumer asks her followers for help, something that can also be difficult for many women. “If anyone went through it and if you have any advice or wouldn’t mind sharing your experience with me please do,” she writes, “My number is in my bio.”

If you’ve got any advice or you just want to cheer Schumer on like thousands of her followers have with likes and comments, you can add your two cents to her post here.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

Featured photo: Amy Schumer via Instagram

 

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3 Tips to End Your Dr. Jekyll & Momma Hyde Parenting

By Ruthi Davis

Dear Confessional,

I have a secret to tell you, and I haven’t openly admitted it yet, even though you may have been suspecting… I have superpowers. The struggle is real, my friends. For me, it wasn’t until I had kids that I discovered my magical powers.

You see, I have the incredible ability to reach a level of exhaustion by the evening that will randomly turn my Mary Poppins persona into more like Miss Hannigan, sans the awful drunken part. I can sing like a cool popstar and then quickly sound like Darth Vader, if tested just so. My sweet eyes can hug you from across the room with a loving gaze, and they can also shoot red-hot laser beams to freeze a sneaky child’s actions in light-speed. I ammagical—I kid you not.

I am also the tooth fairy, the dishes fairy, the laundry fairy, and the bye-bye-boo-boo fairy. I have about a half dozen arms and legs that “go-go gadget” out of my body to carry children, groceries, backpacks, winter coats, water bottles, and a 10-pound purse at a moment’s notice. I have hyper-reflex powers that will catch a feisty child who kicked his chair backwards in a split second. My super-extendo arm has uncanny-spinning moves that can randomly catch a friend’s kid right before a nasty fall. I am superhuman, just like you.

Parenting, wife-ing, professional-ing, mommy-ing, house cleaner-ing, and hot momma-ing may require a whole bunch of hats and even more energy than given credit, and we wouldn’t trade it for the world. But somehow, in the midst of these enchanted skills, my powers seem to dwindle quite quickly after the kids come home from school.

I do miss them all day and wait for the moment to give them a huge hug again, but somehow my superhuman level of exhaustion suddenly makes a cameo and peaks somewhere in between the usual afternoon code 3-alarm of life-threatening emergencies. You know, the kind where one child is squealing over a misplaced stuffed animal, at the same time as a child on the toilet needing immediate butt-wiping, another is tattling on her sibling who called her “stink-face,” and the inevitable contest of howls when one bumps another, so that neither of them get blamed for their secret smackdown over a toy.

And I often wonder if my phone is enchanted too, because every time I pick up a phone, something bizarre happens. No matter where I am in the house, my kids find me via their inner phone radar and fall into an intense trance, chanting “mommy” progressively louder and red in the face. Only when the phone rings, right? 

“Supermom” label or not, we all have our kryptonite breaking points. But even through my “Ol’ Yeller” syndrome, as my husband has coined it, I have somehow mostly mastered the art of taming my enchanted talents and keeping the peace and calm in the midst of any storm. If you have been touched by magical powers too, read on to learn how to diffuse your inner Incredible Hulk and Dr. Jekyll & Momma Hyde powers only for good.

I used to think that the only way to be “heard” was to raise my voice over the background noise. Talk above it and on it, and momma Hyde will reign supreme, shoot eye daggers to paralyze a misbehavior, or let out the inner Hulk to manage a fussy toddler into time-out, no matter how slippery. And when you feel really frustrated, unleash the Darth Vader quiet grumbly voice to really show them you’re mad.

After many mornings of feeling like a rockstar and many evenings feeling like a failure parent for shouting too much or being overtired and temperamental, I learned quite a few tangible tips that helped me to better cope and manage my superpowers.

1. Take off the cape and say sorry. When a moment gets the best of you and you unleash your beastly sounds, take a breath and just be human. When those impressionable eyes fill up with tears and their head turns to the side to figure out why you are so mad, just begin anew. Stop, take a breath, and be human again for a moment. No moment is that bad. Don’t crush their lively spirit with a terrible tirade. Apologize if you misspoke or shouted. Offer your sincere forgiveness for your temper and openly discuss your feelings. I am a strong proponent of “I feel” statements. It’s simply clear, non-verbose, and easy to process. Start off your thoughts with those two words and explain. It’s good for children to see that we are real human beings who actually make mistakes. Remember, your voice becomes a child’s inner voice and instinct. Teach and demonstrate positive behaviors as you would want them to do, mistakes and all.

2. Realize this is just a passing wave and ride it out. Here’s a great game I often play in my head during a moment. Just like a wave, a tantrum, over-sensorial squealy kid moment, or overwhelmed demandy-pants moment, they only last about 10-15 minutes or less (if you don’t fuel the situation and stretch it out). Regardless, the temper will pass if you ride it out. You decide how you want to pass the time, once you tune out the drama. Seriously, next fussy tantrum, check your watch and pass the time. Sometimes I sing over it, waste time on Facebook, or simply tune it out. I start with, “sorry, I don’t speak in Tantrum. Let me know when your calm voice returns and my ears will reopen.” First the noise grows terribly loud and then it miraculously stops with your fixed stance on the issue and calm demeanor. It’s incredible. Try it out, works every time! In the end, it’s a win-win because you conquered the storm without losing your cool.

3. Channel your inner librarian. I used to think that I needed to be louder to be heard. Classic faux pas, my friends. I even tried the teacher-clapping trick for attention, and it only worked for so long. I don’t seem to have those superpowers all the time. Then I learned that if I kept a calm tone, like a sweet librarian, the kids would first wonder why I wasn’t reacting, then they would impulsively ask me to stop yelling (until they realized that I was actually whispering), and then become quiet and respond calmly, mimicking my tone. It’s amazing how one mom sets the tone for the house, constantly. Test out this pattern and you will crack yourself up. You can thank me later.

I never knew how to get a handle on my temper, my chaos, and my moment, until these last few months. I can now go to sleep feeling proud and serene. Try it out and tweak it, as needed, for a while—and you will fall asleep at night feeling proud too, for a job well done.

Wishing you many peaceful sleeps (without knobby toddler knees piercing your back).

With Love,
Ruthi

Ruthi Davis is a the Founder of Ruth Davis Consulting LLC with over two decades of success in advertising/marketing, media/publicity, business development, client relations, and organizational optimization for a variety of clients. Ruthi is a proud mom and influencer in the parenting and family market as founder of the Superfly Supermom brand.

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