ML Interest Tag: surrogacy

When Your Expecting Plans Take an Unexpected Turn

By Dr. Wael Salem

There was a time just a few months ago, before our world knew anything about COVID-19, when you may have decided to start trying to have a baby. Or, maybe you fall into the 1 in 8 couples experiencing infertility and had gathered the courage to embark on your fertility journey. Either way, your initial excitement to start a pregnancy was then shaken by resounding uncertainty with the emergence of the COVID-19 pandemic.

In mass, couples and individuals took to the Internet to ask, “What does the coronavirus do to my pregnancy?” Meanwhile, the news cycles were churning out what feels like an encyclopedic volume of medical literature. “No effect in pregnancy” turned into “Possible vertical transmission,” a few days later. In the midst of this never-ending news, women everywhere were scrolling and clicking endlessly to find an answer to, “Is it safe for me to get pregnant now?”

While it’s great to be informed about your pregnancy, it is an unfair burden for you as a patient and expecting mother to aggregate and distill all the new research being published. Furthermore, it’s very possible that it’s leading to increased stress, anxiety, and possibly even despair as you try to get pregnant. Ultimately, it’s our job as physicians to stay current and appropriately distill fact from fiction and theories from the simply unknown. The expert teams of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) and the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) have been working tirelessly to synthesize the relevant pregnancy and fertility data so that individuals aren’t left with that burden.

While we are still learning how COVID-19 affects pregnancy, what we know so far, on the whole, is reassuring. First, pregnant women do not appear to have more severe complications of COVID-19. The literature does not suggest a consistent transmission from an infected mother to her baby. Next, it’s too early to definitively say if there is any risk to the fetus if it were to become infected, but it does not appear to be the case.  Finally, no medical organization or society has recommended against initiating a pregnancy in and of itself. 

It’s known with near certainty that this pandemic is causing a lot of anxiety about getting pregnant. Controlling that anxiety, stress, and uncertainty is a part of your fertility journey in which you have a tremendous amount of power. To decompress, meditating for five minutes is a great way to start or end your day. Acupuncture and massage are excellent methods for stress reduction once they become available. If you continue to feel overwhelmed, talk with your doctor or mental health provider. At CCRM Fertility, we’ve developed a series of videos on CCRM TV that offer pregnancy preparedness education. We know this is a really difficult time for all, and our goal is to be a resource for patients.

Fortunately, those lifestyle habits that are beneficial for your pregnancy haven’t changed with COVID-19. For starters, take care of yourself. Get plenty of high-quality sleep. Focus on eating healthy, whole foods. Continue to exercise regularly. Avoid smoking and alcohol. Meanwhile, continue to follow all the usual precautions to avoid the coronavirus (including washing hands often, avoid touching your face, wear a mask in public, etc.). Finally, leave the unending ebbs and flows of news and talk to your healthcare provider. They have gladly done the research for you.

I am Board Certified in Obstetrics and Gynecology and Board Eligible in Reproductive Endocrinology. Like all CCRM Fertility physicians, I believe in providing people who want a family with the very best chance to do so. My interests include fertility for cancer patients, PCOS, fertility preservation (egg freezing) and preimplantation genetic testing for hereditary genetic diseases. 

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Celeb Moms Who Had Difficult Pregnancies

by Jacqui Boland

Jessica Simpson, Kelly Clarkson, Kate Hudson, what do these celebs have in common aside from their million dollar bank accounts, golden voices and stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? All three celebrity moms had difficult pregnancies, like millions of other moms across the globe. Motherhood is the great equalizer, apparently.  Dehydration, Pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes and hyperemesis gravidarum (acute morning sickness) are just a few of the struggles of pregnancy. What challenges did these celeb moms face in their pregnancy?

  • Kim Kardashian struggled with preeclampsia and placenta accreta making having any more babies after her first risky, which is why she used a surrogate for her following births.

 

 

 

  • Jessica Simpson struggled with edema, sciatica pain, acid reflux during her pregnancy.

 

 

  • Serena Williams difficulties began soon after delivering her daughter via c-section. “She suffered from a pulmonary embolism and the doctors also found a large hematoma.

 

  • Chrissy Teigen suffered a vaginal tear after the birth of her daughter Luna.

 

Motherhood unites us all and it’s nice to hear these celebs share their struggles as well.

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Anderson Cooper Announces Birth of Son Wyatt

by Jennifer Swartvagher

Anderson Cooper is a father. Wyatt Morgan was born on Apr. 27 weighing 7 pounds 2 ounces. Cooper shared photos of Wyatt at the end of Thursday’s televised weekly global town hall on the coronavirus pandemic.

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I want to share with you some joyful news. On Monday, I became a father. This is Wyatt Cooper. He is three days old. He is named after my father, who died when I was ten. I hope I can be as good a dad as he was. My son's middle name is Morgan. It's a family name on my mom's side. I know my mom and dad liked the name morgan because I recently found a list they made 52 years ago when they were trying to think of names for me. Wyatt Morgan Cooper. My son. He was 7.2 lbs at birth, and he is sweet, and soft, and healthy and I am beyond happy. As a gay kid, I never thought it would be possible to have a child, and I’m grateful for all those who have paved the way, and for the doctors and nurses and everyone involved in my son's birth. Most of all, I am grateful to a remarkable surrogate who carried Wyatt, and watched over him lovingly, and tenderly, and gave birth to him. It is an extraordinary blessing - what she, and all surrogates give to families who cant have children. My surrogate has a beautiful family of her own, a wonderfully supportive husband, and kids, and I am incredibly thankful for all the support they have given Wyatt and me. My family is blessed to have this family in our lives I do wish my mom and dad and my brother, Carter, were alive to meet Wyatt, but I like to believe they can see him. I imagine them all together, arms around each other, smiling and laughing, happy to know that their love is alive in me and in Wyatt, and that our family continues.

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On Instagram, Cooper wrote, “I want to share with you some joyful news. On Monday, I became a father. This is Wyatt Cooper. He is three days old. He is named after my father, who died when I was ten. I hope I can be as good a dad as he was.”

Wyatt’s middle name, Morgan, is a family name on Cooper’s mom’s side. He knows that his parents liked the name because he found it on a list they made when naming him. 

Cooper said, “As a gay kid, I never thought it would be possible to have a child, and I’m grateful for all those who have paved the way, and for the doctors and nurses and everyone involved in my son’s birth.”

“I do wish my mom and dad and my brother, Carter, were alive to meet Wyatt, but I like to believe they can see him,” Cooper wrote. “I imagine them all together, arms around each other, smiling and laughing, happy to know that their love is alive in me and in Wyatt, and that our family continues.”

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Marcel Fagin on Unsplash

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My Surrogacy Experience Was More than I Ever Imagined

By Julianne Haycox

Trying again is the secret. I do believe that God leads us by the desires of our hearts. After my cervical cancer, my ovaries were saved and I had all the faith in the world that we could have another baby.

So, in August 1996, just nine months after my radical hysterectomy, Rick and I met our surrogate mother, Gwen, along with her candid and very easygoing family in Sacramento, California. In 1996 surrogacy was a bit of a mystery, especially in Virginia. As much as we had read and researched, we sought the comfort of the most accomplished hands within this delicate field.

The morning of our flight out to the West Coast was somewhat typical of a travel day, with the obvious exception of my whirling excitement. I checked through all of the last-minute details and was ready to give Yogi and Baloo their “going on a trip” hugs and treats when a pain struck my lower abdomen so hard that it brought me to my knees. My breath was taken away. My face flushed with heat. I had never felt anything like this before, not even after my recent surgery. This was something new, something full of power and something that wanted my attention. Minutes later, it was gone for the most part. I still felt exhausted. I stood up slowly, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. My heart pounded with joy for the inspirited blessing. Once again, a higher power had made an entrance into my life, and I knew it.

Later that day, at the surrogacy center in California, Rick and I sat talking with the doctor. I mentioned to him that I had a very strong feeling that I was at the beginning of my cycle and running some blood work might be a good idea. The doctor suggested that my earlier abdominal pains could have been from nerves. I knew otherwise, and he was kind enough to support my intuition. I realized how complex this whole process would be, and every little bit of blessed favor was not only welcomed, but honored. He ordered an ultrasound and blood work.

Later in the afternoon, after meeting with the doctors, we met Gwen for the first time. I was so excited! We felt an instant closeness. It was comfortable and effortless. There were no awkward spaces to fill with small talk; we fell right into each other. I told her about the incredible cramps I had that morning before leaving home in Virginia, and I shared my hunch that I was at the beginning of my cycle.

The next morning, she excitedly called to tell me that she had just started her period. I’ve never been so delighted about a period in my life! My hopes were sky high. When we arrived at the fertility center the doctor told us that the ultrasound showed that I had already ovulated and the blood work confirmed that I was also at the beginning of my cycle. The doctors were amazed that our cycles were perfectly aligned. They had never seen this happen without manipulation. This was a confirmation to me that I was exactly where I needed to be. I had made the intended connection.

With our cycles perfectly in sync, we were able to move forward immediately. There would be no time spent finding my cycle and taking medicine to align mine with Gwen’s. Had I not been attuned and opened to my soul and the Divine at work, who knows how long the road would have been and where it would have taken us. Trusting my intuitions and listening to the gentle voice inside of me allowed so many blessings in. Feeling and experiencing God and Universe communicate directly with me elevated my life to a place of expansive harmony that I never want to forsake.

Three months later, in November 1996, my embryos were transferred into our surrogate. Ten days after the transfer we received the amazing news that the implant was successful—we were pregnant on our very first try! This year, Thanksgiving brought even more for us to be grateful for, and this year, we celebrated. The next nine months were magical. Rick and I wanted to be as much a part of this pregnancy as possible. We flew out to Sacramento for each and every doctor visit, and I was Gwen’s coach during our birthing classes. Over the next ten months, Gwen and I became so close. We spent a lot of time together. Neither one of us held back: we were both willing and open. I was older than her by several years. Our trust in each other created an intimacy and an incomparable bond. She would ask for advice, and in answering, I was as discerning as I would be with my own daughter or close friend. I truly cared about her and loved her.

We were brought together by this miraculous undertaking, but our focus wasn’t always the pregnancy. She had a life despite her benevolent commitment. Together she and her husband, Bruce, had four children. Their personalities were distinctive. Each of the kids was welcoming, warm and fun. Their enthusiastic interest and support of us was another blessing. We shared family dinners with non-stop boisterous conversation swirling around the table as the kids let their voices ring loud and clear. The pre-teen sense of humor on display was entertaining and invigorating. The girls loved to sing for us while we relaxed outside in the warm California evenings after dinner. Each one of us was openhearted and engaged in these new friendships. Each one of us had something to give and something to receive.

I wanted to stay there—in this place where God and Universe were reaching out and leading me forward. Drop by drop, blessing by blessing, my heart filled with light and love.

 

Julianne Haycox is an artist, photographer, lover of all things in nature, and a fearless traveler. She is the author of Be Still and Know, a book filled with her photography and meditative quotes and Conversations with Grace (Koehler, March 2020), a book of inspiration and personal growth.  

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Katie Lee Announces She’s Expecting Her First Child

by Jennifer Swartvagher

Congratulations, Katie Lee! On Wednesday, the Food Network Star announced on Instagram that she is expecting her first baby with husband, Ryan Biegel after a history with infertility. Lee, posted a photo of herself at a kitchen counter, holding up a heaping forkful of spaghetti with her shirt pulled up to reveal her baby bump. 

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Eating for two 🍝 Baby Biegel is on the way!

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“Eating for two 🍝 Baby Biegel is on the way!” she captioned the post.

In an Instagram post last April, the co-host of The Kitchen chronicled her struggles with infertility. She wrote, “I get multiple messages a day asking me if I’m pregnant or why I am not pregnant yet. I get comments saying I look like I’ve gained weight, so I must be pregnant. After one said that I looked ‘thick in the waist’ I finally responded that it’s not ok to comment on a woman’s body and you never know what someone is going through.” 

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I get multiple messages a day asking me if I’m pregnant or why I am not pregnant yet. I get comments saying I look like I’ve gained weight, so I must be pregnant. After one said that I looked “thick in the waist” I finally responded that it’s not ok to comment on a woman’s body and you never know what someone is going through. There is so much pressure on women to look a certain way and while most mean well with baby questions, it can be hurtful. Many of you sent me messages sharing your personal stories of fertility issues. You helped me, so now I want to share my story with you. When Ryan and I got married, our plan was to start a family right away. I couldn’t wait to get pregnant! I naively thought it would be easy. I’m a healthy woman, I eat a balanced diet, exercise, I don’t smoke. Ryan is the same. But reproductive health is an entirely different ballgame. We were trying, I had to have surgery to correct a problem, got an infection, then I was so run down I got shingles. My doctor advised us to try iVF. We just finished the intense process only to get zero healthy embryos. Not only is iVF physically exhausting, the emotional toll is unparalleled. We were filled with hope and excitement only to be crushed. It is really hard to put on a happy face. Fertility issues are supposed to be private so many of us are silently in pain. I hesitated to share this but I feel comfort when I hear others’ stories and I hope any of you in a similar situation know you are not alone. When people ask me when I’m getting pregnant, it hurts. It’s just a reminder that I’m not. When they say I look like I’ve gained weight, I have. I can’t exercise as much and the hormones have made me bloated. At church on Easter, the priest started his sermon with a story about a family struggling to have a baby and the happiness they are now experiencing that their prayers have been answered. He said it is a time of new beginnings. Tears streamed down my face. I know a family will happen for us, it is just going to be a different journey than we imagined. We will keep working towards it. Someday we will have our happy new beginning and I pray any of you experiencing the same will have yours too.

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—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Katie Lee via Instagram

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Doesn’t Everyone Have a Mommy?

By Gay Cioffi

Four-year-old Derek calls out to me, “Joel just said that he doesn’t have a mommy and I told him that everyone has a mommy! Doesn’t everyone have a mommy?” Derek asks.

As a nursery school teacher, I was on the spot for the answer to Derek’s question as well as providing a supportive strategy for Joel, who in this case confidently defends his position that he, in fact, does not have a mommy!

It was my responsibility to get to know every child’s story before conversations like this begin. Learning each child’s story can be challenging in so far as the need to respect a family’s privacy is balanced with the need to gather information that can help one to support the child. Nursery school broadens a child’s social experiences outside of the family and as such, children may be scrutinized and questioned by other children who may only have experiences with a traditional family model.

Before I could respond in the best possible way to Derek and Joel, I needed to develop a relationship and rapport with their families. This relationship was developed in several ways, including events designed to help us get to know each other. In meeting one-on-one, teachers can ask same-sex couples and single parents, as well as parents of children who are adopted, if there is anything they would like to share about their child’s story that can help staff to be supportive.

Inquiries can be made about how parents would want the school to handle Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, as well as our beginning of the year Unit on Families, long before these topics arrive on the schedule. While sometimes parents have not themselves anticipated their response to such events, it is a useful entrée into areas that may raise questions for their children, and it allows some time for parents to craft the narrative that they are comfortable with. 

In Joel’s case, he has two fathers. When I asked his parents how they would like Joel’s teachers to handle Mother’s Day, one of his fathers shared the following story. Before they began the process of finding a surrogate, they met with a counselor to prepare for their journey as parents. One of their assignments was to practice looking into a mirror and saying the words, “you do not have a mother, you have two fathers and a surrogate.” The therapist stressed the importance of the fathers’ own comfort level with this truth.

As those of us who work with children know, they can handle life’s challenges, if we, their caregivers, can handle those challenges. Children are incredibly resilient, especially when they have loving and supportive adults who communicate with them in an honest and age-appropriate way.

Communication is critical in every relationship. I was able to respond to the conversation that Derek and Joel had, by backing up Joel’s assertion that he does not have a mommy and that every family is different. I can give examples that some families have two mommies, or just one daddy, or two sisters, or one sister and one brother, etc. I can ask Derek to tell us about his family, his parents, siblings, and grandparents. I can remind them both, that it isn’t who is in a family that makes it a family, it is love that makes a family, and it comes in all shapes and sizes.

This post originally appeared on www.littlefolksbigquestions.comn.

I am a parent and grandparent with over four decades of experience in early childhood education. I share my passion, wisdom and experience, with parents and the people who care for and about children at Little Folks Big Questions, where we're out to answer the questions parents face in today's world.

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Science Says 50 Is the New 40 (When It Comes to Safely Having Babies, That Is)

by Erica Loop

Fifty is the new 40 when it comes to advanced maternal age. At least, that’s what recent research from Ben-Gurion University (BGU) and Soroka University Medical Center may have found.

Women over 40 are having babies in greater numbers than ever before. According to statistics from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the birth rate for women 40 to 44 has risen since 1982. Jut look at recent celeb pregnancies and it’s clear that pregnancy isn’t just for 20-somethings. Actress Brigitte Nielsen had her fifth child at age 54, Rachel Weisz got pregnant at 48 and Janet Jackson had her first child at 50.

photo: Suhyeon Choi via Unsplash

Even though the data shows an upwards trend of women waiting to get pregnant, that doesn’t mean there aren’t risks associated with being of “advanced maternal age.”

When researchers looked at data from 242,711 deliveries at Soroka University Medical Center, they found something that most of us probably didn’t expect. While over 96 percent of the pregnancies in the study were in the under-40 set, complications between the 40- and 50-something mamas were fairly equal. That doesn’t mean the complication numbers were on par with their younger counterparts. Instead, the number of complications didn’t rise from 40-plus to 50-plus.

So what does this mean for you? If you’re nearing 50, it’s possible that you won’t experience an increased risk for complications in comparison to a woman who is 40. But there’s still risks associated with conceiving over ager 40. The researchers note that every pregnant woman over age 40 is high-risk and needs preventative medical treatment that comes along with it, from earlier blood glucose testing to blood pressure monitoring.

—Erica Loop

 

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And People’s “Cutest Baby Alive” 2019 Is…

by Erica Loop

It’s not exactly a major surprise that musician John Legend scored top honors as People’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” While this coveted title is pretty impressive, Andy Cohen’s son Benjamin won an even better award—People’s “Cutest Baby Alive.”

The nine-month-old is just one of many celeb babies in 2019. Cohen announced baby Benjamin Allen’s arrival back in February with an Instagram post, captioning it, “He is named after my grandfather Ben Allen. I’m in love. And speechless. And eternally grateful to an incredible surrogate. And I’m a dad. Wow.”

Even though this year’s crowd of celebrity kiddos includes babies born to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds, Shay Mitchell, Keira Knightley, Michael Phelps, Miranda Kerr, Mario Lopez, Ricky Martin, Shawn Johnson East and Bode and Morgan Miller, Cohen’s cutie took the number one spot.

In an IG post the proud dad wrote, “Ok @people—if you say so.” Congrats to Cohen and his beautiful baby Benjamin!

—Erica Loop

Featured photo: Andy Cohen via Instagram 

 

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Feel-Good Adoption Stories That Will Make Your Day

By Jennifer Landis

Who doesn’t love a good story about a child finding a loving home? Adoption is one method for growing your family, but it’s so much more than that. For orphaned or abandoned youth, it presents a chance to receive and benefit from consistent support and care.

Some of these tales involve children rescued from horrific conditions. Others simply warm your heart and restore your faith in humanity.

1. A Special Present Under the Tree

Ask many children what they want for Christmas, and they’ll tell you “a bike,” or “a videogame console.” But the three daughters of Courtney Solstad received an even better gift—an adopted baby brother! Solstad hid the secret from her three daughters. She met her children at the door and told them she had been out “shopping” for a very special gift the three of them could share. When she revealed their baby brother, Nathan, the trio squealed in delight and jumped for joy.

2. Adopting 26 Kids With Special Needs

It’s difficult for even one child with special needs to find a loving home. Imagine the heart Utah resident Christie Johnson has—she’s adopted 35 children in total, 26 with disabilities. After having two biological children, Johnson and her spouse decided to open their home to more.

Parents who adopt special needs children must meet additional requirements. They need to prove they have sufficient financial resources to pay for care. They have to open their homes for inspection and meet with adoption counselors to determine what types of children are the best fit. For Johnson, the child’s health didn’t matter—she welcomed them all.

3. An Incredible Journey Ends in Adoption

If you’ve ever struggled to conceive, you can imagine the angst Dennis and Carita Chen felt. They tried for nine years to get pregnant but decided to adopt when it became clear they had fertility issues. They felt overjoyed when an adoption attorney informed them she had a client wanting an Asian couple to adopt her child.

When the big day first came, the birth mother changed her mind, wanting someone from her own family to adopt the child. But that arrangement fell through and she asked the Chens to reconsider. The couple traveled from Texas to California, all the while aware plans could suddenly change again. But when they finally saw their new child Jacob, they wept with joy.

4. Seven Foster Children Find a Home

Jim and Katrina Baldwin knew the challenges of raising multiple children well. They had five of their own and seven grandchildren to boot, but with the house nearly empty, they felt it was time to welcome more children.

The couple started by taking in two foster children but soon started receiving calls regarding their five siblings. Once all seven siblings felt comfortable in their new place, the Baldwins couldn’t imagine separating them again. They adopted all their charges and now adore having a full house once more.

5. A Mission Trip Leads to a New Family Member

18-year-old Lexi Geiger went on a mission trip with her church to Uganda. While there, she met an orphaned girl named Ester in desperate need of a home. She posted the story on social media, where it was soon shared by an adoption advocate in search of potential families. She found nine. However, eight of the interested mothers backed out when they discovered the child had special needs.

Tammy Stonebrook stayed the course. She’s currently working with immigration officials to bring Ester and another child from the same orphanage home. Once she receives confirmation from U.S. Immigration, the three can begin family life together.

6. From CPS to Loving Home

Child Protective Services needs all the help the agency can get. Because the organization removes all children from an abusive home, siblings face the prospect of splitting up on top of the trauma they’ve already experienced. For one person though, she couldn’t imagine separating Moises, Angel, and Alex. She first took the brothers to McDonald’s where they talked about school. One month later, she brought the boys home to stay.

7. Over a Year in Foster Care Finally Ends

Imagine spending over a year in foster care. Little Elijah spent that time adrift with his siblings until a Houston-area mother saw his photograph. She welcomed Elijah home with open arms.

Fortunately, his siblings also found a home with family friends in the same community. Although they don’t all live together, they get to maintain their close connection.

8. From Russian Orphanage to an American Family

13-year-old Hannah began life as Anna Sinyaeva, born to an unknown father and an alcoholic mother in Russia. Her doctor suspected she suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome and labeled her as developmentally disabled. She could have lingered in an orphanage for life—but Mary and Bob Rocklein stepped in and adopted her at the age of three despite doctors’ concerns.

Although the couple later divorced, Hanna glided through the transition. She works hard in school, loves her siblings and enjoys a good adventure.

9. International Adoption Leads to Advocacy Against Trafficking

Many families like the Perkinses adopt children from overseas. The conversations surrounding international adoptions have evolved over time, however, with more concern expressed for the welfare of the children and birth parents. Now, international critics decry some adoptions, fearing the trauma both the child and birth mother endure.

Mitali Perkins understands this trauma, having adopted two brothers from India. In her thoughtful HuffPost essay, she reflects on this changing conversation and expresses her commitment to activism. She has a forthcoming novel dealing with the challenges these children face upon reaching adulthood and hopes to raise awareness of human trafficking issues.

Hopefully, these stories served as your daily refresher of faith in humanity. Whether you adopt or not, you can sleep a little more soundly knowing these children found the loving home all youth deserve.

Jennifer Landis is a mom, wife, freelance writer, and blogger. She enjoys long naps on the couch, sneaking spoonfuls of peanut butter when her kid's not looking, and binge watching Doctor Who while her kid's asleep.  She really does like her kid, though, she promises. Find her on Twitter @JenniferELandis.

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Non-Traditional Baby Making: 6 Potential Obstacles To Bear In Mind

By Dr Bethany Cook

When one imagines starting a family, it’s usually an intimate moment experienced by two people in love. However, for me and most other same-sex couples who want to have children (and even some hetero couples that are struggling), the experience is far less romantic and much more stressful. Starting a family is often the beginning of a long, emotional, and usually expensive endeavor.

Here are some potential obstacles for those who are embarking on a journey of non-traditional baby-making.

1. Learn to ignore outside opinions such as “Why can’t you guys just adopt?”  

The number of times people would say this statement to myself or partner when we discussed starting a family was…let’s just say 10 times too many. I’m adopted. I know it’s an option. Everyone will have their own personal reasons for wanting to create a baby. If someone says this to you just say “Thanks, I know.” If you feel comfortable or want to educate this person on why you want a biological child, share on. If you want to shut the conversation down add the words “I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

2. Finding resources and considering legal rights.

No matter how you do the math, two individuals of the same sex are currently unable to have a child that would contain 50% of the genes of both parents. As a result, couples need to seek out an egg donor, sperm donor and/or a surrogate to carry the baby. Each couple will have names for individuals whose DNA helped create or carry their baby. For instance, we say “donor dad” when referencing our children’s biological father. The “donor dad” can be friends or anonymous donors from online banks. Some of these online donors are “open donors” meaning when your child is 18 years old if your son/daughter wishes to lookup their biological “other,” they can.

As for the legal stuff, I suggest finding a lawyer (many offices provide free counseling to those who qualify). We chose to use an online donor who had already given up any legal rights to our children. Each state has slightly different laws regarding same-sex couples so do your due diligence and double-check. In my situation, my partner needed to adopt the children ASAP. If I had become incapacitated for any reason my partner would not have had any legal rights to our children (even though her name is on their birth certificates) and they could have been put into foster care. Yes, our system of government regarding the rights of non-traditional families needs to catch up.

3. IVF and IUI are expensive. 

Even with a top-of-the-line health insurance policy, getting pregnant via IVF/IUI is expensive. I just checked an online sperm bank and a single vial of sperm can cost up to $920! When I went the IUI path nearly 7 years ago it was routine to use two vials per attempt. Eggs and surrogates cost much more than sperm, then add into the mix all the additional medical visits for blood draws, ultrasounds, etc. You can see how the price can quickly skyrocket and require extra time away from work.

4. IVF/IUI medical visits add additional stress to your life and work balance.

Luckily I had an understanding boss and my work schedule was fairly flexible when I started the process of getting pregnant in a non-traditional fashion. For a female, it involves more visits and more hormones than for men. Not only did I take multiple pills a day, but I was also required to keep a detailed record of shots I injected on certain days around my navel during each IVF cycle. Thinking about how you will balance all of this before you start the process is a good idea. I’m definitely not trying to deter anyone! I just want to offer an eyes-wide-open realistic view.

5. Judgement.

When you’re trying to get pregnant in a non-traditional fashion it’s almost impossible to hide anything from the medical staff helping you. Since my partner and I live in a big city (Chicago) most of the staff we encountered were supportive of our efforts, and if they weren’t, I didn’t hear about it or sense it. Couples in small towns don’t always have access to LGBTQ friendly facilities. That adds a whole new level of stress to the process. Sometimes family isn’t supportive and that hurts too.

6. What’s Wrong With Me?

At some point or another, especially if you’re in a non-traditional relationship, you’ve asked yourself this question, I know I have. Like when I only had 10 good eggs to harvest during my first IVF egg retrieval (I had read reports of some women having 20+ eggs). Sometimes, when couples begin this process they discover that their bodies were just not designed to procreate even with medical intervention.  Finding out you’re unable to create a child can be a serious blow to one’s identity. Don’t beat yourself up. Focus your energy on accepting yourself unconditionally and shift lanes.

Getting pregnant with the help of medical intervention makes things less romantic, more sterile, and more stressful and expensive. It’s important to speak up for yourself and your needs. Make sure you do as much research as you can. Know you are not the only person doing this and you’re not alone. Find others in your community you can lean on for support and keep stress to a minimum.

Last but not least: try to have some fun. If it doesn’t work out for you I’m truly sorry. My partner and I were fine with adoption if we had found out I wasn’t physically able to create children. Luck, timing, and medicine were on our side. We have two healthy kids 19 months apart whom we love and cherish more than anything. It’s not easy, but it was worth it.

This post originally appeared on Mable and Moxie.

I am a 42-year-old biological mother of two young children in a same-sex relationship, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in neuropsychological assessment, a music therapist, a trainer of therapy dogs and ex-communicated Mormon from Indiana with a wicked sense of humor. 

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