Parents on the First Day of (Home) School

To all the parents out there who are beginning their homeschooling journey this week, we see you, we feel you. We are you. #parentstrong

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8:00: Opened the school website to get assignments.
9:00: Found where assignments were hidden on the website.
9:15: Called the school to have the website explained.
9:30: Called the school again.
9:45: Had wife call school.
10:30:  Started printing the first assignment.
10:31:  Ran out of printer ink.
10:35: Sent my wife to buy more ink while I watched YouTube to learn how to do common core.
10:39: Had first cocktail.
11:00: Googling who the idiot was that came up with common core.
11:02: Had 2nd cocktail.
11:15: Called the school to see if the virus was still an issue and if so, could I sign a waiver for my kids.
11:16: The School asked me not to call back.
11:20: Realized my wife wasn’t home yet. Called her to find out she was having a difficult time finding the right ink. Pretty sure, I heard someone in the background yell her name followed with “Venti vanilla latte!” Right before she hung up on me.
11:30: Started the first assignment.
11:45: Lunch break.
12:30: Restarted the first assignment.
12:35: Read 3 chapters to help answer 2 questions.
12:40: Figured I’m either being played or they have been falsifying my kid’s report card.
12:45: Practiced disguising my voice so I can call the school again.
1:00: It didn’t work.
1:15: Started scraping “My kid is a TERRIFIC student” sticker off of all vehicles.
2:00: Beginning to think my wife isn’t coming home.
2:15:  Decided to have an early release.
3:00: Arrested for egging school and drinking in public.
4:15: Released and given a ride home in the police car for maximum embarrassment.
6:00: Wife gets home. Couldn’t find ink. Pretty sure her hair and nails look different than this morning.
10:00:  Working on an excuse on how to get out of school tomorrow.

—Reprinted with permission from a Mom on Facebook.

A lifest‌yle writer whose work can be seen in Red Tricycle,, and Redbook. When she’s not checking out new events, museums, and restaurants to keep her and her kids entertained, she can be found wandering around flea markets and thrift stores looking for cool vintage finds.


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