We’ve all had days when the sight of our partner makes us want to run in the opposite direction. That’s part of being married, after all. But when are those feelings a red flag that something might be wrong? When are the things that might seem normal to you actually unresolved resentment in your relationship? An Instagram post on the subject by Erin Mitchell, MACP, and Stephen Mitchell, PhD, founders of Couples Counseling for Parents, recently grabbed our attention. So we chatted with the married couple, who share three kids, to flush out the six behaviors mentioned in their post. Here’s what they had to say.
1. Having a hard time assuming your partner’s “best.”
“Assuming the best in your partner gives you the space to ask the curious questions and help you navigate and not get stuck in places of resentment. It’s a way of interpreting interactions,” explains Stephen.
For example, your partner comes home crabby and irritable. If you automatically assume the worst, you might think, My partner just said something snarky to me; they always do that. When you assume their best, you might consider, Huh, I wonder if they got enough sleep last night? and ask invitational questions like, ‘Hey, that was snarky. Are you tired; are you okay?’”
2. “Minor” conflicts seem to escalate into “major” conflicts regularly.
It starts small with a menial chore or task—the shoes are everywhere in the house, dishes never seem to make it into the dishwasher, or laundry never gets put away.
These small things can represent resentment in relationships, especially if you aren’t getting the help you need from your partner, and often lead to a larger argument about the relationship. “‘I have to pick up the whole house. I don’t feel like we’re a team. I don’t feel supported. You do nothing. It can even escalate to ‘It’s been this way forever, and now I’m done,’” Stephen says.
Erin points out that escalating conflicts can also arise if one partner seemingly has more “me” time. In a healthy relationship, situations around time should be give-and-take, but a situation can escalate quickly if you have unresolved relationship resentment.
3. Your reflex when your partner is near is to feel tense or guarded.
How you and your partner deal with conflicts plays a role in how you feel when your partner is near, and, as Erin points out, there is a physical reaction aspect of feeling guarded. She describes it as a nervous system feeling: “If you’re not in a resolved, connective place, your partner’s presence may activate your discomfort, which, on a level, represents disconnection in a relationship.”
4. When you think of having a conversation with your partner, you decide it’s not worth it.
This situation boils down to whether or not you expect there to be conflict when trying to communicate with your partner. “A lot of the resentment comes when someone doesn’t feel acknowledged or validated or seen or understood,” Stephen says. “And they feel like they’ve been trying to communicate that to their partner, or their partner, once again, doesn’t get it. It’s that tension of, oh, I don’t want to get into it again.”
5. Arguing about the same thing over and over again and then over again.
If you and your partner continuously argue about the same issue, that’s a sign that communication is lacking, leading to unresolved resentment. As mentioned above, not being heard or validated is a big part of the equation.
6. You not only don’t feel the “spark” anymore, but you’re not sure you miss it.
No closeness in a relationship, whether mentally or physically, is a sign you don’t care to be around your partner, which may be tied to underlying tension or feelings of general dislike or disconnect.
What can you do about unresolved resentment in relationships?
According to the Mitchells, you have to be okay with emotions that might be uncomfortable for you, whether anger, sadness, fear, joy, etc. At that point, you have to understand why that emotion is so hurtful. Then, and only then, you can communicate with your partner gently and with vulnerability.
“Going back to the example of the shoes, if you acknowledge that yeah, it’s just shoes, but explain you’re feeling out of sorts (a bad day at work, kids talking back), and having an organized home is important [to you]. It’s really about you, not the shoes. Make it about yourself and not your partner—that’s communicating with vulnerability. You want your partner to get you, and you want to feel seen.”
Erin elaborates, “It isn’t the little things you feel sad or angry about, but the disconnect in the partnership.”
Related: Psychologist Reveals the 4 Signs of a Doomed Relationship
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