We have an unspoken rule in our house, “If it’s funny, you’re not in trouble.” My kids seem to know that if they can make me laugh, my anger seems to diffuse. It’s a win-win because when my kids are funny and creative enough, it makes me feel like I’ve done something right.
Humor was always part of my life growing up. Some might say it was my compensatory strategy. As far as compensatory strategies go, it’s not the worst one to have. As I grew up it served me well. I could always see a different, funny perspective, make my glass half full, and laugh at myself when I made a mistake. In short, I never took life too seriously.
Research shows that humor increases the immune system and safeguards against depression, lowers stress, and even aids in better digestion. People with a developed sense of humor are happier, more resilient, and smarter than their non-humorous counterparts.
As I grew up, a sense of humor helped me through those early days of parenting just, as it’s helped me through every challenge I’ve faced in my life—I liked it so much, I decided to make it my job and become a comedian. However, you don’t need to do it professionally to reap the benefits of a good guffaw.
Kids model your behavior, if they see you approaching life with ease and not taking things or yourself too seriously there’s a higher chance they will do the same. If it doesn’t come naturally, that’s ok. Here are some steps to making it happen:
1. Be a humor model. Let your kids see you using laughter as a way to deal with the harder things in life. Try to find the bright side or the learning in your challenges.
2. Use laughter as a way to connect. Tell jokes, use wordplay, and slapstick humor. When your kids are upset, find a way to make a joke or at least make them smile. Play funny games with your kids to build connection and trust.
3. Surround them with humor from an early age. Age-appropriate joke books, movies, and songs. Encourage your kids to write their own jokes and always laugh loudly! Encourage them to read about funny people and watch funny shows. When they do laugh, ask them what was funny about it so they can begin to understand how to craft a joke.
A good sense of humor is just one of the tools I want to give my kids for mastery of their life. All I can do is model.
Andrea Levoff is a writer, comedian, and self-proclaimed ‘Dope Ass Mom.’ With a MA in Spiritual Psychology, Levoff combines her passion for inner transformation with her love of comedy in order to empower women to break free from social constraints, judgment, and to find more joy and authenticity in motherhood.
It finally hit me, standing in Costco’s cooler aisle holding a giant container of cranberry jalapeno cream cheese. The creamy pink dip looked delicious, as all king-sized dips at Costco do. I pictured it in a festive bowl surrounded by various crackers, perfect for a holiday party. I could practically taste it as I lowered it into my cart. Then I froze, turned slowly, and put it back on the shelf. There will be no holiday parties this year. There will be no meat trays and cracker plates. There will be no Christmas as I have known Christmas to be my whole life. My family alone can’t eat an entire vat of spicy cream cheese, so there is no reason to bring it home. My heart breaks at the realization, and I watch it crumble into a million little pieces right there on the cement floor.
I push my cart away, a cloak of sorrow surrounding me as I go to find the massive bags of coffee, those I can inhale on my own. I throw two in my cart with a thud, wondering if anyone else around me is swallowing the same lump of grief. I couldn’t bring myself to look, though, fearing a scene out of a zombie movie, pale, lifeless, broken spirits slogging through the store. I checked out with nothing fancy or festive, no special treats or savory snacks for gatherings this year—boxes of orange chicken and bags of coffee the bulk of my purchase. Head down, choking back tears, I slip out the sliding glass doors.
I knew Christmas would be different this year, expected to pair down the celebrations. However, the impact of the reality hadn’t fully sunk in yet. When it did, it hurt like hell. I miss my friends. I miss my family. December usually consists of special brunches and cookie decorating days, gift exchange dinners, and holiday book club nights. I can live without all of that, but I never imagined I wouldn’t be with my extended family on Christmas. Alas, the coronavirus looms too large a threat for some high-risk members. Since my husband and I don’t want to make this one the last one with our parents and grandparents, we had to make some hard choices. My rebel self is screaming, do it anyway, don’t let that virus hold you back. You have to live your life. Everything will be fine. The community-minded part of me whispers, you have to think of others. It’s better to be safe than sorry. The third part of me, the scared part, imagines someone dying because it’s too hard to go without our traditions.
It is truly the most wonderful time of the year when we get to snuggle in living rooms sparkling with Christmas lights and shiny ornaments. I love watching the kids’ eyes light up as they unwrap presents and sneak candy canes under the tree. Sometimes I think I might die without these moments. I vacillate between anger and rage and sorrow and anger again. I force myself to think positive. To find the alternative joys of the season and reach beyond myself. It’s hard, requiring every ounce of grace in my bones, grace I have to summon from God to see the proverbial forest through the trees. This Christmas is going to hurt, but hold on. If we make it through, we’ll have many more Christmases to come.
The thing is, Christmas started with a little family all alone in a manger. Cast aside, afraid, nowhere to go, they hunkered down together in a stable, the animals their only company. The Holy Family welcomed Jesus into the world without cranberry jalapeno cream cheese. Without cooked ham or a fancy spread. He entered the world with nothing, the King of kings. Our savior. We give gifts on Christmas in the symbolism of gifts given to Jesus by The Three Wise Men. We see the wise men in pictures and hear of them in stories standing beside baby Jesus in the manger, presenting him with gold frankincense and myrrh. But the truth is that The Three Wise Men were not in the stable with Jesus at His birth. Biblical accounts portray their travel as taking several months at least, possibly even years.
So here’s what I’m thinking; maybe this Christmas we are like the wise men. We can’t be with the ones we love because we are still walking this long journey through a dry, lonely desert. We won’t get to the end exactly when we want. We won’t celebrate together on the specific day of Jesus’s birth, but we know the wait will be worth the time and trouble once we finally arrive. This year, we have to be strong and patient, trusting that the star of Bethlehem will light our paths, that God will show us the way. We will celebrate everything, have everything we want and need in time, and it will be wonderful. Our job is just to keep going, to focus on our blessings no matter how small they may seem, and find gratitude in the little things that hold us tight.
Christmas won’t look the same this year, likely mixed with grief and loss, sorrow and fear. Loneliness may linger in our hearts for the missing celebrations and distance between family and friends. But Jesus is with us always. And Christmas in July could be just as good. Maybe even better.
Krissy Dieruf is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, loves to sing and dance around the house and has a soft spot for rebels and crazy hair.
Imagine a toddler throwing a tantrum for the smallest of reasons (or perhaps an adult as well); ie the sandwich is cut incorrectly or my brother is looking at my shoulder…those types of things. In my house, we call these things “Big Emotions” where a kid is feeling strong emotions and they don’t know how to express them in a positive manner, so inevitably a tantrum ensues. Without a doubt, you’ve heard these emotions manifest themselves at the store, in the park, or literally anywhere that children are present. And to be honest, they are kind of awful to deal with.
Just the other day my daughter had a massive meltdown because her brother got out of the tub first. Logical, right? Every kid has these emotions and they can manifest themselves in a number of ways. Yelling, screaming, throwing things, hitting things, etc. And to be honest, I’m dreading the day they learn swear words, not because they’ve started swearing, but because how am I supposed to keep a straight face and not laugh? No parenting book can answer that question.
Ok, back to those big emotions. Big emotions are tough to deal with. Think of a drunk college student who is trying to explain something super important, but instead of talking they just throw up (or perhaps don’t think of that). Not a fun picture and as a parent, it’s especially difficult as you just want to make your kid smile again. It’s agonizing seeing them lose control for seemingly no reason. It’s also incredibly draining; going through a full range of emotions in a manner of minutes leaving you empty and tired. My wife and I are trying to teach our children to calm down by counting and breathing deeply, but it’ll be a long time before we can declare success. Probably about the time puberty hits which will bring a whole host of new challenges.
“The attitude that you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from, more than what you tell them. They don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are”—Jim Henson
What is perhaps the most difficult part is that it is in these moments where parents need to be at their best. Calm, understanding, and being beyond being patient is what’s needed, not anger and yelling. The children having big emotions are the ones experiencing the problem, not the adult. It is our responsibility to tame the fire with our actions, not to fuel the fire with our mistakes. By doing so, we’re validating our kid’s emotions and teaching them a healthy way in which to express themselves. I recently read a quote that read something like “kids are going to do what you do and not what you say” and I have found this to be 100% true. We see ourselves in our children, and it’s only when our kids start repeating our actions do we realize how perceptive they are (and how much we swear?).
So perhaps if we want our children to be better than ourselves, to reach higher, and to be the person that we know they can be, we set a better example for them to follow. We’ll fail from time to time, but if we keep on trying to teach them healthy methods for controlling and expressing their “Big Emotions”, we’re inevitably teaching them two lessons; how to express themselves and how to not give up. Two birds, one stone.
Balding, gray-haired 30-something stay-at-home-Dad living in the Lincoln Square area of Chicago. Enjoys coffee, a cold pint and Bear Grylls while musing about parenthood and life.
The days full of anger and frustration seemed to be outweighing the days full of joy and satisfaction. My kids and I were locking horns over screen time every single day. I was struggling to get them to follow any limits, complete chores, or finish homework before getting on their devices. I was at my wit’s end and worried that our relationships were deteriorating into dangerously negative territory.
Seeing my desperation a friend of mine recommended that I “talk to someone.” Therapy didn’t seem like the right fit. I didn’t need emotional healing, I needed a practical solution in the here and now. But my friend corrected me, she meant a parent coach, not a therapist. I was puzzled. I had heard of life coaches and executive coaches, but not parent coaches. She told me that like other coaches, parent coaching could help support me to make the positive changes I so badly needed.
I was ill at ease enough to look into it. After doing some research I decided to contact a parent coach. From the very first call, I felt relieved that I had someone to help me. Coaching, I learned, was going to help me get in touch with my parenting priorities and values around screen time. It was time to block out the noise of the internet searches, parenting books, and advice from family and friends and tune into what I really wanted for my kids and my family, and not just about screen time. Combined with her expertise in child development, we would get me to a better place. I wasn’t sure I could fit coaching into my busy schedule but I set aside one hour each week for 10 weeks and it was worth it. For the first time, in a long time, I felt hopeful.
With the guidance from my coach, I was able to see that some things were actually working for screen time at my house, even in spite of the challenges. While they were on the screen more than I wanted, they were using it to learn new skills and connect with friends playing games that were interactive and collaborative.
We spent one session formulating my dream. The ideal family life that I was longing for without all of the tension and struggle around technology. We spent a session talking about my strengths as a parent and my children’s strengths. I am really good at talking with my kids about things and making sure they know how I feel. They do well when rules are clear and they have a voice in decision making. Then we used the strengths to design the steps I would take to make my present day to day match my dream.
I engaged my boys in conversation when I wasn’t feeling charged or anxious and we were able to come up with some screen time parameters that worked for everyone. I had homework and there were times that I had to step out of my comfort zone. But each week I took a small step towards creating limits and boundaries around screen time making sure my kids were part of the process. It wasn’t perfect and it didn’t resolve everything, but it made life easier and I felt the joy return to our household and in my relationships with my kids.
Coaching is also about engaging in self-care because it is an essential part of generating the high energy and focus that is required to be a parent. It is so easy to let it go when there is barely enough time in the day to maintain a balance between work and family. I came up with the self-care that works for me. It felt doable, just 10 minutes a day to take a walk, meditate, or write in my journal. On days when I followed through (not all of the time), I was more patient with the kids.
While having a better screen time balance in my household was the reason I sought out a parent coach, I came away with so much more:
1. I have a better understanding of my parenting style, new confidence, patience, and presence in my parenting.
2. I finished coaching with a stronger connection to my strengths, values, and priorities for my family and can draw on those when making difficult parenting decisions.
3. I learned to take care of myself and how that increases my energy reserves and patience to parent from a more grounded place.
4. I try my best, even in the hardest situation, to find a positive frame and look at what is working in my situation as a way to approach the next inevitable parenting challenge.
I am grateful to my friend for introducing me to parent coaching. In this day and age when so many people are raising kids without the help of extended family around, and now so many of us are isolated from our regular communities due to COVID, it is nice to know that there is a resource out there to help.
I'm Jenny Michaelson, Ph.D., PCI Certified Parent Coach®. I live in Oakland, California with my family. I love supporting parents through my practice, True North Parent Coaching. Together we uncover strengths and develop strategies to make transformational changes to overcome parenting challenges and bring more joy, ease and fun back to parenting.
I have the privilege of being a doctor, I have the distinct honor of taking care of people, little (very cute) people to be precise. I don’t take this task lightly but much of what I do is run of the mill colds and cases of flu, earaches and throat aches. I work with a population which, for the most part, is healthy and I’m happy about that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t see my share of badness.
Bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to little people—babies and young children that live and unfortunately die in hospitals. As a doctor, we sometimes have to develop these hard shells to deal with it, to be able to keep going, to see another patient and then go home and hug our families. A recent visit melted my shell and shook me to the core.
The patient was a newborn baby boy and he was doing just fine. His mother, on the other hand, was a young mother of two boys with a new diagnosis of terminal cancer, she was diagnosed only one month before giving birth to her second son. A son she may never see walk or talk.
As she told me her story, she started crying and tears sprang to my eyes as well. My shell was gone and in its place was fear, anger, sadness, hope and most of all gratitude. Gratitude was my first thought as she shared her diagnosis.
I was doing a home visit and felt so fortunate that I could have the time to spend with her, that she didn’t have to sit in a waiting room full of germs, that I didn’t have to rush her because I had a roomful of patients waiting. All I had to give her was my time and support and my prayers.
So why does it take this tremendous tragedy to make me feel gratitude? I wake up every morning (wishing I could go back to bed) checking my Facebook/Instagram and email, thinking about my day ahead, my errands, my schedule, my kids’ schedule, who needs to be where and when and how I’m going to get them there, what am I making for dinner and whether I had time to sneak in a nap (I never do but I like to dream I do). Of all those thoughts I have first thing in the morning, none of them are thoughts of gratitude.
First I should be grateful to be awake, that I have another day to live, to dream, to be, to love. Then I could list 100 or more things I should be grateful for on a daily basis (don’t worry, I won’t). But if you are reading this then that means your list will be pretty long too!
I get so bogged down every day with mundane things and even get angry about them, why? Because I’m human, because this is my world and sometimes I need to feel the petty things and then I need to let go of the petty things. I’m working on the second part.
I told this mother that she was doing a great job, she had a beautiful healthy baby boy and she was instrumental in bringing him into this world. She said to me she is blessed to have supportive family around her. Let me repeat that, she said she is BLESSED to have a supportive family.
At that moment, I was in awe, in her darkest times this woman was able to see her life as blessed. I stayed for a while and answered her questions, reassured her of how wonderful of a job she was doing and left with a heavy heart and only one thought in my head, gratitude.
This does not mean I will now forever wakeup with only thoughts of gratitude, I wish it would, but I’m human. I still get mad, sad, angry and frustrated even about the petty stuff. But I will strive every day to live in gratitude. I will strive to always feel blessed as this courageous woman did.
How do you stay in gratitude? How do you deal with the petty things?
I'm a mom to 2 busy kids and a pediatrician. My blog is about all things mom, doctor and how the two come together. My goal is to help you find your voice while I find mine and help you become your best version while I become mine!
I came home the other day to find a white envelope sitting on my front doorstep—its bright whiteness caught my attention immediately and I hesitated to pick it up. When I unfolded the note from inside, I immediately wondered if this writer had ever mailed a letter before; the plain, unlined paper was folded in the most unintuitive way.
In looping blue handwriting it literally said:
“We are all so disappointed in how you have let this beautiful front yard go down the tabes. We pride in our neighborhood and were so proud of the previous owner. Don’t let this street go to waste!! Please!! gin pride to our street and ownership.”
After spending 18 months house hunting, putting in seven unsuccessful offers on other houses, we took a long break from looking for a place to buy. It was with great hesitation when we started looking again, and it was with mixed emotions that we submitted an offer on our current home.
My husband and I debated as to how much money to put down. I wanted to keep cash on hand to proceed with egg donation, after the crippling realization that I was just too damn old to have a second baby. My husband thought it would be best to put more money down and finance the egg donation. I cried and then agreed that in the long run, it would make more financial sense.
Ten days after moving in, at the end of January 2020, my husband was laid off without notice and given one final paycheck.
My anger turned to the house. I hated the house. I had three bedrooms but no baby to place in the third bedroom. I cried. I went to therapy.
Six weeks later my son’s preschool shut down due to COVID. The next day I was sent to work from home. We quarantined. It was a wet spring with lots of rain. Spring turned to summer. We stayed home. The 4th of July came without fireworks and the heat of the summer brought the end of July, along with a single file line of tall weeds between the garden’s front wall and the sidewalk, the unexpected diagnosis of my mom’s brain tumor, and the bright white envelope on my doorstep—four days before my mom’s surgery.
My anger was hot and quick—every neighbor turned into a suspect, and any peace that I had made with this house and its bedroom void of a crib was shattered. I penned a response the same night:
“Dear Passive-Aggressive Neighbor and author of the above note which you anonymously left on my porch,
If you have a problem with my yard, my house, my cars, my dog, my kid or my family, knock & talk to me. Talking is neighborly and achieves results.
We pride ourselves on a well-educated neighborhood and neighbors who spell correctly. So please use your spare time to work on your spelling and grammar. There are multiple mistakes in your short note.
1. Disappointed is spelled with one “s”
2. It’s “down the tubes” not “tabes”
3. Gin is a beverage, “give” is a verb
4. And the sentence should read, “we TAKE pride in our ….”
I’m homeschooling my son, while working, supporting my family on a single income, and caring for a sick parent but I have time to tutor you as well since you obviously need it. Please knock and we can arrange your first tutoring session.
Sincerely,
Your neighbor”
I bought poster board and fantasized about posting both notes in the front yard.
My mom had her surgery, her attempt at recovery, the discovery of a bacterial infection on her brain, a second surgery, and the note ate away at me in the back of my mind. My neighborhood was no longer a place of comfort where I could get out of my car in proximity of my house coming back from my mom’s and feel relief that I was home. I felt guarded. My house was no longer the place where I could be as is; I stubbornly forbid my husband to pull the weeds, but he did it anyway.
And I felt the tiredness of it, of having a young kid and an old parent, watching a savings account disappear and not knowing what happens when it runs out, being old and infertile, but junior staff in my third career, of losing the safe space of community, of being judged. But mostly I felt tired of greeting the world with kindness and feeling minimal returns.
August has turned into September. My mom’s doing well and my son started Kindergarten online. Some days, I still fantasize about posting both notes in the front yard but for now, the poster board has been put to use for a Kindergarten project. And some nights I still dream about holding a tiny baby in that third bedroom, but most days I know I’m just too damn tired for that, and the third bedroom makes a nice home office.
And two days ago I found out the neighbors on either side of me, both single retired men, each got a note as well. We had the best neighborly chat on the sidewalk comparing notes. It is a different kind of community than I had hoped for, but it sure was fun!
I live with my husband, son and dog! When not at my desk working, I can be found in the backyard playing lava-guys or ice climbers. I have a day job, but being a mom is my favorite job!
Photo: @Ariel Skelley – The Images Bank/Getty images
Occasional feelings of anger and frustration are normal, especially during stressful times. Learning to manage those big feelings is an essential part of SEL.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, many children are facing new challenges such as online learning. In addition to the ordinary school challenges such as making friends and learning multiplication tables, children face tech problems like weak internet and login troubles. All this can easily lead to moments of anger and frustration.
Research in SEL provides guidance in how to help children understand and manage their big emotions. Self-awareness is a foundation of SEL. According to Greater Good in Education, a project by the University of California at Berkeley, self-awareness is the ability to be aware of one’s inner life. This includes one’s emotions, thoughts, behaviors, values, preferences, goals, strengths, attitudes, and mindsets, as well as how these elements impact behavior and choices.
In short, when we can name and understand our own emotions we are better able to develop strategies for managing strong feeling in productive ways.
Let’s look at five key strategies for self-awareness that are frequently cited in SEL curricula: Name your feelings, practice calm breathing, take a break, try one thing, and reflect on what happened.
Name Your Feelings
When your child is angry or frustrated, try to help them put their feelings into words. Ask, “How are you feeling right now?” If they are not able to answer, offer some options, such as, “I wonder if you’re feeling frustrated?”
Words to offer younger children might include: madsadtiredhungrygrumpy
Older children may understand and choose more complex words such as: angryhurtenragedannoyedfuriousconfusedembarrassedirritatedoffended
Sometimes children are too upset to speak. Pointing to a picture on a feeling chart or in a children’s book such as Glad Monster, Sad Monster is also a good way to communicate feelings.
Another helpful strategy parents can try is describing what you see. “I see that you are covering your face with your hands,” or “I see that you’re kicking your chair.” Affirm that everyone has big feelings, but set clear limits if your child is acting in a way that could be dangerous. “It’s OK to be angry. It’s not OK to hit.”
When your child has been able to express how they’re feeling and those feelings have been affirmed, your child will be better able to calm down and move forward.
Practice Calm Breathing
Mindfulness practices help both adults and children feel calm. Belly breathing is a simple technique that even very young children can learn. This simple practice involves taking deep breaths that engage the large muscle in our bellies called the diaphragm.
Teach your child to practice belly breathing at a time when they are relaxed. Once they have had a positive experience with belly breathing, they will remember what that felt like. When they are upset and practice belly breathing, their body will already know what it feels to become calm and breathe deeply.
To practice belly breathing:
Have your child lie down on their back, relax their muscles, and place their hands (or balance a small toy) on their belly.
With their mouth closed, have your child breathe in for about four seconds, feeling their chest and belly rise and fill with air (or the small toy will rise).
Have your child hold in the air for about four seconds
Have your child slowly blow out all the air through their mouth. Repeat until the body feels relaxed.
You may enjoy practicing belly breathing with your child. For the greatest benefit, practice this technique every day. It only takes a few minutes.
Take a Break
If your child is feeling frustrated during remote learning, encourage them to take a short break. This can be difficult to do during a live lesson when students are expected to be logged in and visible on camera. Yet sometimes we all just need to step away from the source of our frustrations.
Check-in with your child’s teacher and find out the expectations and options for student participation during different types of lessons. Help your child plan in advance for different ways they can take care of themselves when they’re feeling frustrated during class, such as standing up, stretching, and walking around the room.
Movement relieves stress. Encourage your child to take a walk, throw a ball, or knead a lump of clay when they are feeling strong emotions.
Try One Thing
Once your child has identified their feelings and taken a positive step toward calming down, they may be ready to try to solve the problem that caused the stress in the first place.
Perhaps your child is frustrated because they can’t find the link to a website they need for an assignment. Ask your child, “What’s one thing you could try?” If your child is too young or too frustrated to come up with their own idea, offer a few suggestions and ask them to choose one to try. For example, you might say, “Here are two ideas: You could look through your notes and see if you can find the link. Or you could email your teacher and ask for help. Which idea do you want to try?”
The important thing is to help your child make a choice and move forward.
Reflect on What Happened
When the problem has been resolved and your child is feeling calm again, help your child think about what happened. Ask open-ended questions such as, “If you could start the day over again, would you do anything different?” or “Now that you know how to fix that problem, how will that change the way you do things in the future?” These reflective conversations can help your child become a better problem-solver.
These are just five tips for helping your child when they feel big feelings like anger and frustration. The most important thing you can do as a parent is listen to them and affirm their feelings. Over time, as your child grows and matures, they will develop their own strategies for managing strong emotions.
We’re living in a time when it’s nearly impossible to distinguish fact from fiction. Parents need information they trust to help them make good decisions about raising their curious learners. Britannica for Parents provides safe and credible resources to empower all kids and parents and inspire curiosity for generations to come.
My oldest daughter came to me crying because her little sister, 5-year-old Jo, got angry and shot her with a bugassalt gun (a handy fly and spider killing tool that shoots table salt like a shotgun—it hurts, trust me). I chanted “calm down” in my mind like some mantra as I angrily stormed downstairs to the bedroom they were supposed to be cleaning. Their only chore. It wasn’t even that messy. They had been “cleaning” for 40 minutes. Jo hadn’t been helping and Liv called her out. Jo shot her foot. Liv was crying and limping around upstairs. You get the picture, right?
This is one of those moments… a hinge moment. A looming decision moment where you can almost see everything freeze in place and your mind would like to evaluate the situation calmly and rationally before you act but your body just dives right in and whatever emotion boiling inside you explodes. Yeah… one of those moments.
I found her in the closet. Pulled up into a ball. I somehow took a deep breath and probed, “Did you shoot your sister?” Emotion spilled out of her in waves of hurt and regret and anger. “I just don’t feel like I fit into this family!” she screamed with heavy sobs. My anger cooled right down to my toes and my heart swelled with empathy. Not sympathy. EMPATHY. You see, several months ago, before I realized I had depression and after an especially bad “go clean your room, 2 hours later it’s still not done mom afternoon” I completely lost it. I screamed, I threw my phone so hard against the wall it shattered, I moved to my closet where I chipped a shelf before I crumpled on the floor in anger and hurt and regret. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for this family. I sobbed heavy sobs. Little Jo found me there. She patted my back and told me it would be OK. She offered me her forgiveness and love and empathy. And here she was, one of my precious babies, hiding in a closet, feeling hurt and lost and alone and regretful—feeling like she didn’t belong, sobbing heavy sobs.
I held her. I sobbed with her, patted her back and reassured her she definitely belonged in this family. I asked her if she remembered when mom got angry and made mistakes and felt like she didn’t belong. I asked her if she remembered who came into the closet to tell me it would be OK. I told her that we would be OK together. I promised her I would help her learn how to control her boiling emotions. I forgave her. I asked her what she should do now. We picked up the pieces. Little Jo apologized to her sister for both shooting her with the salt gun and for not helping clean the bedroom. She then cleaned the bedroom and made the beds. And most impressive of all, she forgave herself.
As I served my little family dinner, I saw little Jo’s tear-stained cheeks lift in a smile at her big sister’s newest joke. I remembered my own mother sobbing on her closet floor as I patted her back and told her it would be OK. I will treasure that memory. It is one of the most precious gifts my mother gave me. And tonight, I gave my little Jo a precious gift. My failure. My tears. My hurt and regret. My love. My forgiveness. My empathy. And we will be OK because we are in this together. We’re teaching each other how to control our boiling emotions. We’re teaching each other to forgive, to pick up the pieces and start again. We are giving each other precious gifts.
So today, I hope you will accept the gift of my admitted failures and give someone else a precious gift. The gift of your own failure, your empathy, tears, forgiveness…and love. We will be OK. Because we are in this together.
Amy is a creator and believes everyone else is too. She strives to be artistic in all areas of life but writing is her passion and her family is her masterpiece. She uses her blog to address the joys and struggles of motherhood and is currently writing her first novel.
Even before the challenging times we’re facing, talking about mental and emotional health issues could be daunting for a lot of parents and children. Now, in the time of COVID-19, things certainly aren’t any easier. Parents have found themselves as a teacher, as well as a wage earner and caregiver.
Juggling those roles, combined with the uncertainty that we are facing has understandably added a lot of extra stress. I’m speaking from experience. As I write this in our Brooklyn apartment, our 4-year-old is running back and forth behind me, singing “It’s almost time for dinner,” … loudly.
Though children may not fully understand what is happening, they’re feeling it too. Their lives have been disrupted by separation from friends, their normal day-to-day activities, and—depending on their age—fear of contracting the virus.
So much change can lead to sadness and anxiety, and children are often unsure of what to do with those feelings. Suppressing them can lead to multiple problems, such as acting out in anger, a feeling of isolation, or an increase in anxiety, and depression.
In my latest children’s book, Max’s Box, I tell a story that discourages holding in our emotions and instead offers healthy ways to help express those feelings.
Now is the time to get in tune with what our children are experiencing emotionally, and create an environment where they feel safe expressing themselves. So in time for Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day, here are just a few ways that adults can help a child manage their emotions in a healthy way.
Language Matters
Children have fears, anxieties, and other deep feelings just like adults. What they may not have is the language needed to express those feelings. Help your child build an emotional vocabulary by appropriately identifying the feeling they are experiencing. Try saying “You seem angry that they took your toy” or “You’re feeling sad that you can’t see your friends right now.”
Teaching children how to identify their feelings in the moment gives them the eventual ability to articulate those feelings as they occur, allowing them to express their feelings in a healthier way.
Focus on the Emotion, Not the Behavior
A tantrum can come from anger, fear, or frustration among other reasons. Whatever the source, a tantrum begins when a child feels overwhelmed by emotion. The goal is to avoid tantrums becoming the default behavior. It’s important for adults to keep in mind the emotion that’s motivating whatever is happening, instead of the episode itself.
Rather than talking about the situation in the middle of an episode, wait to discuss it. If a child storms out of the room, give them time to settle down. Attempts to convince the child to stop, or commenting on the outburst can positively reinforce the behavior. Once the situation is calm again, then try helping them identify what feeling motivated the tantrum. If a child tries calming down on their own, it is important to acknowledge and positively reinforce the effort.
Teach Alternatives
Providing the chance for children to think of alternative solutions to different situations is a great way to involve them in imagining different ways to express themselves, and gives them a more direct role in managing their responses.
Try asking questions like, “You’re frustrated because the tower you’re building keeps falling over. What can you do about that? I think you could ask for help or try building it again? What do you think?”
Talking about your own feelings is another way of offering alternatives. “When I’m feeling angry, I take three deep breaths. Then I can start thinking about solving what’s frustrating me.”
It’s Alright to Cry
Yes, this still needs to be said. Well-intentioned adults can directly or indirectly convey that there is something wrong with crying. Let children know that crying is okay. Sadness, fear, pain, anger, and even happiness can be accompanied by tears. Acknowledge the emotion that is motivating the tears, rather than the crying itself.
Reconnecting and Storytime
Now, possibly more than ever, it’s important to dedicate time every day for activities that help relax children. Younger children especially, need to feel a connection to their parents to help regulate their emotions. Singing songs together, or just cuddling are wonderful ways to soothe a child.
Speaking again from experience, storytime is a great way to connect. Reading to children has multiple positive effects; teaching them how to describe their feelings among them. Allowing a child to see themselves in a story, shows them that they are not alone in their experience.
When a child feels connected to you, and in a safe environment to express themselves, many important conversations can begin. Those conversations may not only ease the stress of our current situation but provide them with tools they can use for a lifetime.
Brian was born in Cincinnati, Ohio, and moved to New York after graduating from Penn State. In 2003, Brian was awarded the Nicholl Fellowship in Screenwriting. During an opportunity to write for Walt Disney Studios, Brian discovered his passion for telling stories for children.
The loss of a loved one can feel like the end of the world, especially for a child. By helping your child grieve, your child can build a new normal life, one where happy memories exist with the hope for brighter days.
Young children need to know that if they have lost someone close, be it friend, pet or family member, it is okay to feel upset and miss the person they are grieving. And, in the days that follow, it is okay to once again feel happy and to enjoy life as their loved one would have wanted for them.
6 Tips for Helping Children Grieve
Acknowledge your child’s grief. It is important to recognize that your child is grieving. Be careful not to impose your own grief on your child, but rather allow him or her to grieve in his or her own way. It is normal for children to feel a variety of feelings, including sadness, anger, and fear. Parents might worry about their children when they go from one feeling to the next, but experts assure parents that children will grieve as much as they need to, as long as they are allowed to do so.
Be honest and explain the loss. It is important to present the news in a straightforward manner with age-appropriate information. Children may have difficulty processing lengthy explanations, but they do need facts. Something as simple as, “Uncle Joe’s heart stopped working yesterday which made his body stop working. Older children will need more specific facts, such as the name of an illness. Remember to stay focused on this one incident and provide frequent reminders that you are ok.
Share Memories. Find ways as a family to remember your loved one. Perhaps it’s something that’s visible on a daily basis, like planting a tree in the back yard or creating a special picture book all about Uncle Joe, or sending off balloons once a year—anything that connects your family to your loved one who has passed.
Write about the Experience. One way to help children move past their grief is to have a parent or an adult write down the experience of hearing the loss so that the child does not have to relive it all of the time. Many times, children (and adults) are afraid and nervous that if that don’t relive the moment of death, they will forget it. By having something to reflect on, they will always be able to remember the experience and therefore be able to move forward.
Allow Children to Participate: Engaging children in the planning of activities can help them feel connected to what is happening around them. Let them talk about it. Children need to have the opportunity to put their feelings into words. They may be anxious about the safety of other loved ones or themselves. Or they may be feeling guilty about times they weren’t nice to the deceased, or sad thinking about opportunities they missed to show affection. They will do better if they can express their feelings to those who can provide the reassurance they need to heal.
Provide Resources: Consider turning to activities that you can do as a family to help with the grieving process. These may include reading children’s books like “A Tiny Step Forward,” or watching movies. Connecting with characters or hearing another expert’s perspective may help them feel less alone in the experience. During the healing process, they will likely realize that this everyone will go through the loss of either with a pet or a loved one.
A mother of five children, Charlene’s husband passed away suddenly when their youngest child was only three years old. Khaghan has a master’s degree in special education and LMSW in social work. She currently works as a therapist in a university counseling center.
