ML Interest Tag: anger

Dear White Allies

By Natalie Fuertes

Photo: istock

It’s been over a week since the murder of George Floyd. Are you tired? I’ve seen a lot of you say that the weight of the nation is exhausting right now—the anger, the sadness, the confusion, the constant news updates. The fear that you’re going to say or do something wrong sits heavy on your chest. I ask you to sit with that weight, that exhaustion, that vulnerability. It’s so important to do so now more than ever. Why? Because that’s the weight that our black community has been carrying alone for decades. It’s time to carry that burden with them.

The way that you’re questioning every move you make, every word you say, is what POC have to do every day. Those little things build up. Do you text your friend the night before a job interview to ask them if you should straighten your hair because you’re afraid you won’t get the job if you wear it natural? Do you hide your bottle of water before you walk into a store because you’re afraid they’ll think you stole it? Have you ever had to talk to your kids about what to do if they ever get arrested? And those are just the small, everyday things. But they build up.

I’m probably in the minority when I say this, but now is the time for uplifting, hopeful messages. I’m seeing a lot of you say, “We need some goodness in our lives right now.” And while it’s good for everyone’s mental health to carve out some moments of peace for yourself, so that you can smile even just for a second, it’s important that we sit in the hurt, discomfort, and overwhelm right now. Why? Because if we don’t, then this fire that we all feel right now is just going to burn out. We’re going to go back to our everyday lives after a few days of posting meaningful quotes and this will just be another protest that goes nowhere. We owe it to the black community to feel uncomfortable right now.

So I encourage you to spend some time in the dark. In the hurt. In the pain. In the confusion. In the sadness. In the anger.

Natalie Fuertes is the owner of Industry Gymnastics, a gymnastics facility in NYC that focuses on creating a space that is welcoming to all children, regardless of race, gender identity, or sexual-orientation. She is a proud Nuyorican, racial justice advocate, wife, and mama of two. 

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5 Ways to Support Your Little Perfectionist

By Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen

Do you know that voice inside your head that says you “messed up,” or you “aren’t good enough?” Maybe it says other not-so-kind things, too. Most of us are familiar with the experience of having a voice inside that can be hard on us—this can be called “our inner critic.”

Adults and children alike can experience an internal battle with our inner critic. Sometimes our inner critics can get very loud, leading to feelings of anxiety, guilt or shame. Most of us don’t love feeling guilt or shame so we find strategies to avoid these feelings. One of these strategies is perfectionism. Perfectionism is when parts of us want things to be just right in order to avoid some type of negative outcome. Sometimes what we are trying to avoid is internal self-blame, other times it’s criticism or blame from others. Still, other times it’s because we are trying to avoid the disappointment of things not going as we had planned.

Perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. As we work to be perfect in an “imperfect” world, we are bound to hit some challenges along the way. Here are some signs of perfectionism:

  • Feeling badly about something unless over 100% effort is given

  • Difficulty starting tasks

  • Procrastination

  • Avoiding situations that could end in failure

  • Being highly critical of one’s self

  • Difficulty coping with making mistakes

  • Struggling with shame/embarrassment

  • Struggling with self-doubt

  • Struggling with appearing vulnerable

  • Focusing strongly on outcomes or end-results

The signs above can apply to both children and adults. Do you see any that you recognize? Sometimes it can be hard to pick up on perfectionistic tendencies in young children. Younger children may show perfectionism less verbally, and more in how they behave in certain situations. For instance:

  • Having frequent meltdowns when they make a mistake

  • Expressing embarrassment or shame when they get hurt

  • Working hard to avoid disappointing others

  • Struggling with making choices

  • Avoiding trying new things or starting tasks

  • Constantly asking for adult help for tasks they are able to do themselves.

To be clear these signs need to be taken into context as there are other reasons children may show these behaviors, but it can be helpful to begin to notice what is triggering to each child. If it seems like it may be along with the themes of “making mistakes” or having things be “just so,” perfectionism may be what you are seeing. If we notice these things early, we can start to support children to learn self-acceptance.

So what can you do if you notice a child struggling with perfectionism or their own inner-critic? Moving towards self-acceptance can help find ways of welcoming all parts of us, just the way they are. Try some of these ideas for supporting self-acceptance at home:

Here are some ideas for supporting perfectionist kiddos at home:

1. Celebrate strengths. Even perfectionism has its positive sides. Make sure your child understands that you appreciate them just the way they are.

2. Model positive self-talk. When you make a mistake, watch what you say to yourself. Model for your child how to be kind to yourself even when you mess up.

3. Welcome all feelings. When we welcome anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between we send the message that being human is okay! Sometimes we aren’t at our best or say things in anger, and we can work through those things.

4. Teach Repair. Sometimes shame and self-criticism can be strong for children because they don’t know “how to make it right.” Let your children know that there is always something we can try to do to make it right.

5. Try open-ended games and art. Try offering games, activities, and opportunities that don’t just have one right answer. This openness can take the pressure off and allow for more creativity, joy and relaxation throughout the day.

For even more support in tackling perfectionism, introduce Yak, a new Slumberkins creature whose story teaches the concepts of self-acceptance, perfectionism and perseverance by reminding little ones that they are enough, just as they are. Reading Yak’s book with your little one and practicing the self-acceptance affirmation can help your child take risks and understand that it’s okay to not be perfect at something the first time they try it.

This post originally appeared on www.slumberkins.com.
Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world. 

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When You Are All Alone, Sitting in the Dark

By Vesna Mitrevska

Photo: Vesna Mitrevska

I’ll sit with you in the dark. Waiting for others to believe you. Waiting for insurance approvals. Waiting for evaluations. Always waiting to hear what you already know.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when you feel alone. When others tell you they’ll pray for you. When they tell you stories of how they know someone who knows someone. When they tell you that God gives special kids to special people. When they tell you, “But they’re so cute” or “They’re so smart” —like it’s a constellation prize.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when friends and family slowly drop off when things get harder. They’re “There for you” until they aren’t. Because the reality is too hard for them to grasp so it becomes only your burden to bear.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when you’re so tired of speaking and not being heard. When you repeat yourself into a void and then you’re told “You never said that.” When you cry yourself to sleep every night and no one even notices—I do, because I am you.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when other’s don’t know how dark the dark can be. When you pretend everything is fine when it’s far from it. When you fight for services. When you fight the school system. When you fight your own family who refuse to see things for what they actually are.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when the cuteness starts to wear off. When things that were shrugged off as, “All kids do that” and become, “Why does your kid do that?” I’ll sit with you in the dark when you start to drown yourself in wine and food and try to sleep as much as you can so you don’t have to think.

I know this happens. I know because it all happened to me, and I don’t want it to happen to anyone else. I’ll sit with you in the dark when the sadness of, “Why my kid?” slowly turns to the anger of, “Why not my kid?” and you realize how important inclusion and acceptance are.

You are not alone, ever, even in the dark.

 

Vesna is a 37 year old single mom to two little autistic boys, a pharmacist, and likes to share her love of make up in her spare time. 

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How My Son’s Diagnosis Taught Me More about Myself

By Shannon Gainey

mom and baby

Photo: Adventures in Autism with Murphy

I’m Shannon and this is how autism helped me find myself. My true self. I’m the proudest boy mom to the two most amazing boys. One of those boys was diagnosed with autism two years ago and completely changed everything I thought I knew about myself and autism.

The day our “Adventure in Autism” started was the darkest day of my life. I felt like I was being forced to go on a journey I didn’t want to go on. I did everything I could to keep from boarding that plane. I tried for the longest to keep that plane from taking off. I just knew this flight we were reluctantly on was headed to crash and burn. I feared the label, autism, more than anything I had ever feared before. I had feelings of shame. Despair. Loneliness. I talked about autism only when I had to. I never openly told anyone my son was autistic unless they asked. I thought that with enough therapy we would cure autism right away. It would be gone as quickly as it had appeared. No one would ever have to know. I cried at the sight of puzzle pieces and I only acknowledged autism during the month of April.

Through all the resistance our journey continued. Day after day. Month after month. Autism was still there, but so was my son. The son I knew before the diagnosis. The son I had fell so in love with since the first days our eyes met. I started to see that autism had always been there, even in the moments that I had put my blinders on. I quickly came to the realization to not love and accept autism was to not love or accept my son.

Day after day, I started to open up little by little. But I was still very guarded. See autism can be a very controversial and confusing world to an outsider like myself. I never thought our hard was “hard enough” and I didn’t think we were worthy. My son was diagnosed with Level 1.High functioning. He could talk. He played with other kids. He made progress. Everyone I associated with autism had it so much worse than us. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I didn’t want to offend anyone. Puzzle piece or infinity symbol? My son has autism or is an autistic? High functioning? Labels? Was I suppose to celebrate the month of April? Was I a bad parent because I worshipped ABA and all the therapies? I kept quiet. I talked about the good things about autism. My new perspective. My journey to acceptance. The progress my son made. The beauty that this journey had shown me thus far. Every time I got the urge to speak about our hard, I shoved it down. I buried it. I continued to show the Disney side of autism. That’s what people wanted to hear about right? People didn’t want to hear the negative. And then my son regressed.

I watched everything we had worked so hard for the past year disappear slowly. I tried to grasp and hold on to our world as I watched it fall apart. I had found myself once again in a dark place on this journey. Except this darkness was different. This darkness was darker than any black hole. Lonelier than any feeling of isolation I had experienced previously. The presence of even the smallest glimmer of light was absent. The sheer hopelessness of our new reality engulfed me. And so I got mad. Mad at this journey. Mad once again at autism. Or so I thought.

I quickly realized it wasn’t autism that the source of my anger was me. It was me. I was so very angry with myself. I realized that I had created my current reality. I was the one who stayed quiet. I was the one who didn’t think our story was worthy. I was the one that stayed submissive about our journey. I sadly realized that the current reality I found myself in, darkness, loneliness, and isolation, could be my son’s forever reality if the world stayed the way it was.

And so I started talking. I started sharing our worthy story. I started talking about the hard. I started processing my feelings through writing. Our world was still very hard. Sharing our story didn’t have any change that. But I started to notice that I was less and less alone. People willingly boarded the plane with us and joined our adventure. That darkness that I talked about earlier, I started that see a glimmer of light way off in the distance. I finally started to feel our story was worthy. I finally felt we were seen. Seen by my parents. Family. Friends. Other moms. Special needs moms. Moms that had a hard way harder than ours. I started to see that people saw my son in a different light. They saw his challenges, his victories. They were able to celebrate with us! That beautiful perspective autism had shown me early in our journey, I had selfishly kept that to myself.

Now that I was sharing our truth, others were able to see the beauty of this journey through our hard. They were able to join us on our adventure. They wanted to join us on this journey. And so I continued talking. And now a day hasn’t gone by where I don’t talk about our journey. I use to not be able to say the word autism. It was too painful. But what no one told me on that dark day two years ago is how this adventure would not only be an adventure about my son, it would be an adventure that would lead me to myself. My true self. Someone who isn’t ashamed anymore. Someone who speaks up for those that are different so they never have to feel less. Someone who knows the worth of her son and what he deserves. Someone not afraid to share and talk about the hard. Because it’s in the hard, that I truly found myself. My entire life was changed two years ago by one word. But it’s the best change that could have happened to me. It’s a change that I needed in the worst way. It’s a change that more people in this world today need. And for that reason, I will continue to talk and share. I won’t keep quiet. Because it’s the ones that are the most resistant on this journey that need that change the most.

This post originally appeared on Adventures in Autism with Murphy.

Shannon is a proud boy mom, Hairstylist, and passionate Autism Advocate. She lives in New Orleans, Louisiana with her two sons Murphy (5) and Merrick (2).  Murphy was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3. Follow her family as they journey through Autism together on Adventures in Autism with Murphy Facebook and Instagram page. 

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The Power of Forgiveness

By Chris Parsons

It’s funny what kids can teach you. Recently, a good friend of mine told me a story about a problem his daughter was having with one of her friends. She told him how upset she was because her friend had said something mean to her, and the comment, according to his daughter, was unforgivable.

But then, my friend said, he watched as his daughter reflected about what she just said to him. She shook her head and said, “No, that’s not right. I still want to be friends with her.”

She proceeded to tell him she would forgive her friend in the end. His daughter said she could see herself making the same mistake her friend did. And besides, she noted, their friendship would become stronger because of what happened.

He told me how astonished he was watching the whole scene play out in front of him, and he wondered aloud how could a child show so much empathy?

Afterward, it got me to thinking the world would be a much better place if we all could show more empathy and forgiveness in our lives. And maybe, if we taught our children to be more forgiving, then maybe we could be more forgiving ourselves.

To Forgive Others, First Forgive Yourself

We are often our own worst critics, especially children. How often have you heard your child say to themselves, “I’m not good at this” or “this is too hard for me”?

Maybe the first step in teaching the value of forgiveness to is to teach our children to forgive themselves. If we’re angry with ourselves, then it shouldn’t come as a surprise when that anger and resentment comes pouring out at those around us.

The awesomeness of teaching your child to forgive themselves is that it instills in them a self-confidence that allows them to project a kindness onto others.

With young children (ages 4-6), it’s important we start to build this foundation early. We can do so by sitting and reading picture books with our child that demonstrate the value of love and understanding. Dr. Seuss’s Horton Hears a Who! is wonderful example of a story showing how every being brings value to this world.

Even with older children, the power of story is a valuable tool in teaching life lessons, including forgiveness. There are countless examples of stories with powerful messages. Encourage your child to read such stories.

Teach by Example

Like it or not, your child watches you carefully and takes cues from your behavior. What better way to teach forgiveness then to demonstrate it regularly with your spouse or the rest of your family. Openly ask for forgiveness from your spouse and be sure to extend it when your spouse asks for it.

These lessons can apply to spouses, between you and your kids, and between siblings. I’m not sure about you, but my kids bicker regularly, which provides countless opportunities to practice the principles of forgiveness.

An important key is to ensure the forgiveness is genuine. Our children are more insightful than you would think. Forgiveness shouldn’t be forced. Allow time for everyone to cool off if it’s necessary. If days are required, then days are what it takes. Nothing will be resolved if forgiveness is forced.

And through your actions, teach that forgiveness is not conditional. Teach that forgiveness does not have to be reciprocated. Yes, for reconciliation to occur, two people must come together. But at the very least, teach that it’s ok to forgive even if the other person does not.

When the fight is between siblings, it’s the perfect opportunity to teach the value of understanding the other person’s point of view. Discuss each person’s perspective openly to build understanding. Allow your child to witness how it’s easier to resolve disagreements when you know the other’s side of the story. These opportunities are an excellent time to teach the importance of treating others as we wish to be treated ourselves.

Finally, use family gatherings periodically—like during a mealtime once a week, for example—to discuss the matter, including how easy or hard it is to forgive, how it feels, and what it means.

Mistakes Are a Part of Life

Everyone makes mistakes. It’s important that kids understand that. Children make mistakes. Mom and Dad make mistakes. We are human. Making a mistake is a part of life, but a mistake does not define who you are. Forgiveness reinforces that idea.

Conflict is inevitable, especially among families, so teaching and learning these lessons early are crucial to raising children who respect the value of peace, compassion, and civility. But every journey begins with a single step. Teach by example. Practice forgiveness in your own life. Share those moments. Let your children watch and learn. It’s not an overstatement to believe these small steps can lead to a more peaceful and productive society.

Chris Parsons grew up in Flatrock, Newfoundland. After many years of telling his stories, he published his first book "A Little Spark" in October 2020. The book is a fully illustrated chapter book - complete with a Soundtrack and Audiobook. The book recently received the Mom's Choice Gold Medal. He resides in Dallas.

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Babies Who Notice Fearful Looks Grow Up to Be More Compassionate Toddlers, Study Finds

by Shahrzad Warkentin

Getting your three-year-old to agree with you can sometimes feel like negotiating with a foreign diplomat who doesn’t speak the same language. Still, there are times when your tots will surprise you with the occasional “yes.” It’s definitely a challenge to figure out how to raise cooperative toddlers, but according to one study, some might be more prone to being agreeable than others.

The study by researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences and the University of Virginia found that certain behaviors in babies could predict whether or not they would grow up to be cooperative toddlers. The study concluded that babies who paid attention to fearful faces in adults were more likely to be altruistic as toddlers and preschoolers, and altruism is considered a key component in cooperative behavior.

The study measured infants’ responses to fear in others at seven months old by tracking eye movement. Babies were exposed to faces that displayed several emotions including fear, happiness and anger. They later looked at the same babies’ altruistic behavior at 14 months. Responding to happy or angry faces was not linked to altruism later, but a response to the fearful faces was.

“From early in development, variability in altruistic helping behavior is linked to our responsiveness to seeing others in distress and brain processes implicated in attentional control. These findings critically advance our understanding of the emergence of altruism in humans by identifying responsiveness to fear in others as an early precursor contributing to variability in prosocial behavior,” said Tobias Grossmann, the lead author of the study and research team leader.

If you find that your baby takes note when you look terrified that you just ran out of coffee or panicked when you accidentally spill that freshly pumped milk, it could be a sign of calmer, more cooperative days ahead.

RELATED STORIES:
Even Babies Know How to Spot a Bully, New Study Reveals
Does Your Kid *Really* Remember Their First Memory? Probably Not, Study Finds
Does Your Toddler Make Better Decisions Than Your Teen? New Study Says Yes

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Why We Need to Celebrate Successes Big & Small

By Dr. Theresa Lyons

Photo: iStock

For a while, my life was pretty miserable. My daughter had severe autism. I didn’t smile, laugh, or even enjoy anything. Every possible resource I had went to my daughter—no little treats for myself. No shopping. No eating out. Not even haircuts for a bit. And when I would drive from my house to the supermarket, there was a restaurant that I would pass by. There was a beautiful window with an arch. I would see people sitting at the table, laughing and eating. So different than what my reality was at that time.

Every time I passed by that window, I would say to myself, “When my daughter is better, I will go sit in that window, eat, and laugh.” I didn’t tie any specific goals to when that would be or what would qualify as “better.” It was just something that I would tell myself to inspire me. I wanted to laugh again. I wanted to enjoy life again. Every time I drove past that window I had a choice – look at it with anger and resentment that my life wasn’t great or look at it with anticipation of life getting better. I didn’t need anything else making me feel bad, so I chose anticipation.

A few years later, I drove past that window and realized that my daughter was doing great, things were moving forward with her, and that my life was indeed better. I decided it was time to have a meal at that table, laugh, and enjoy. So I asked my friend to join me, and she said no. I was so hurt. She said, “That restaurant isn’t good. The food is overrated.” I told her I didn’t care about the food and explained how that window motivated me through some tough times. That didn’t persuade her at all. So I let it go because I didn’t want to go alone.

A few weeks later, I asked another friend, and she also told me no. She said pretty much the same thing my other friend said. The food wasn’t good, it was overpriced, blah blah blah. I was hurt again. I explained what it meant to me, and she said she didn’t want to spend the money and was quite adamant about not going there. So I let it go.

Several months later, I drove past that window and became determined to dine there, in that window, laugh, and have fun. So I asked another friend, but I first told him what it meant to me and then asked if he would go with me. He told me the exact same thing that my two other friends said – the food wasn’t good, that it was overrated, he didn’t want to wear a shirt with buttons, blah, blah, blah, but he said if it meant that much to me, he’d go although he really didn’t want to. That was good enough for me.

I made reservations specifically for that window seat. Oooh it felt so good to sit there. I was so happy. I told him the story of how many times I drove past this window and promised myself that not only would my daughter get better but that I would also treat myself for all the hard work I did to get us there. I told him how two friends turned me down to come to this window and celebrate but that they just made me more determined…just like when sometimes things didn’t go well with my daughter…it just made me more determined. We laughed about everything. The waitstaff enjoyed us being there—it was such fun. I felt so satisfied with myself and my actions in life.

We had dinner. I’ve got to admit, my friends were right, the food wasn’t that good. LOL. However, it was not overrated because I was celebrating success! The food was irrelevant. My daughter was doing great, my life was so different, we both were happy, and I followed through on celebrating success. Life felt wonderful.

So do it. Go celebrate. I am sure there is something your child is doing now that people thought could never happen. That changed because of your hard work. Your determination. Your love for your child. You’ve worked hard, celebrate your successes, and be excited for what more will come.

COVID has changed a lot in life. I just drove by that restaurant, looked in the window, and saw a “For Sale” sign. The restaurant has closed due to COVID. I have no idea what will happen to that building. Will another restaurant open there? Will there still be a window seat? Who knows, and that’s how life goes. If I didn’t take the time to celebrate success right now, I would be feeling regret rather than satisfaction.

I am so proud of my determination. I knew my daughter’s life could get better, and I worked relentlessly to make that happen. And I made sure to celebrate success, even when two friends wouldn’t celebrate with me.

I’m sure you’re doing a lot of work for your child. Are there setbacks? Sure. Does everything go perfectly? No. But that doesn’t stop you for long, right? When you get an opportunity to celebrate success, take it. There’s no guarantee of a tomorrow.

Yes, there will always be more to do, but if you don’t reward yourself for your successes, how will you maintain the energy to continue?

This post originally appeared on Navigating AWEtism.

I'm an autism parent and Yale trained scientist. I created the blog Navigating AWEtism as a valuable source of trustworthy, cutting-edge scientific facts about autism so that parents have quality information to make informaed decisions.  You'll also find parenting inspiration, no matter where you are on the autism journey. Please check out https://awetism.net/

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Why I’m Dreaming of Family Travel This Year

By Lindsay Goh

With 2020 firmly behind and the 2021 summer around the corner, our hopes are on the rise for the resumption of travel this year. While grateful for being relatively COVID-safe in Singapore’s golden cage, the smallness of our island has us pining for the outside.

2021 and there are 227 inhabited Greek islands. Where should we even get started?

As they say in Greece, hope dies last. Under lockdown, I’ve combed through island after island, selecting our visions of paradise for the next three summers. By now, I’ve read every major travel magazine article, little known blog post, and forum review on the destinations of interest. Each island has a tab in my spreadsheet and a file on Instagram collecting information and inspiration as I go.

Finally, I have the luxury of time to plan a vacation. A true rarity for moms. And finally, I’ve found exactly what we’ve been looking for: stylish and reasonably priced vacation villa gems located directly on child-friendly beaches in mid-size Cycladic seaside villages. Day trip options for semi-private cruises to neighboring islands with out-of-this-world beachscapes. Where to send the kids for a pottery workshop while in Sifnos…Any trip from here will never be so well planned. And as parents with the load of baggage we carry, some volatile with surprises, invaluable is a seamlessly organized holiday.

The simulation of travel in the planning process soon became therapeutic escapism. From home, I visualized us on that beach house patio with a cool glass of Assyrtiko in hand. Slowly sipping, we watch the kids frolick in fine white sand as the sky changes color. Later, we take an evening to wander through cobblestone paths of whitewashed villages, alive with the soul of Greece. I deviate to shop online for kaftans. I think we will dine at a Greek restaurant tonight.

Sure, I may have to cancel everything a month before June but herein lies a precious exercise in non-attachment and letting go: There is meaning in learning to defer to forces beyond our control. So much of our days as parents never go as planned anyways. And if the process of pursuing an end result designed to bring happiness, instead dominates with anger and frustration, what then is the point of the whole endeavor?

Savor the planning, inhabit the surprises, heal if you must, and journey on. Enjoy the entirety of your travels, and consider 2021 an opportunity for the most well researched you, ever. Whether in a summer sojourn, or the journey of life.

 

A restless city-loving Singaporean learning how to be still, embrace the antithesis of her husband's Greek nature and homeland, and master motherhood. After moving from Athens, we now live in Chicago, and are set to return to Singapore for a proper village welcome of our second baby.

 

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Dear Kids, I Hope You Never Thank Me for This

By Melanie Forstall

Photo: Melanie Forstall

I recently saw a young teen publicly thank his parents on social media. It wasn’t a generic, thanks-for-all-that-you-do, kind of post. This one stopped me in my tracks. This specific nod to the parents was, “Thank you for giving me everything I want.”

My first few thoughts lingered around the possibility that this was a status symbol of sorts, enjoyed by everyone involved with giving this child everything he wanted. It rang similar to the current requirement on social media that families need to be super busy. If families today aren’t completely overscheduled, their status is somehow less than. I guess, maybe, if a parent gives a child everything he or she wants, somehow that raises their false status, too?

My husband and I are far less concerned with status, and way more concerned with raising kind, happy kids who will hopefully grow up to be emotionally resilient adults. Probably why this post stood out to me. Neither of us want to give our kids everything they want.

Our kids are talented swimmers. Our daughter, specifically is not only talented, she’s also a very hard worker. She’s willing to practice as much as she needs to remain a strong competitor as well as be a valued member of her team. As a middle schooler, she sets personal goals and works hard to reach them.

This season, her goal was to swim the individual medley (IM). This is a tough race: 100 yards, 1 lap of each stroke, a total of 4 laps. Her goal was to swim it competitively under 2 minutes. After a few weeks of practice, she swam it and exceeded her goal. Next, she set her sights on the championship meet at the end of the month. Before that though, she wanted one more race experience so she requested her coaches pace her in the IM for the next meet.

The day arrived for the meet placements and she was left out of the IM. She looked a bit worried, so I encouraged her to go and talk with her coaches. She did and to her dismay, she was, in fact, left out of the race. I asked her coaches if she could be added to the race, but it was too late. She held back tears but forged ahead and jumped into the pool for practice.

It was a mistake. Her coaches are human and they make mistakes, too.

Her disappointment was compounded for several reasons. Her biggest competition was not going to be at this next meet, giving her a strong possibility of winning the race. Her best friend was going to be there. She wanted one more race experience before the championship meet. She folded under the layers of disappointment and began to cry as soon as we got into the car.

I could have made a phone call. My husband and I could have made unreasonable requests. I probably could have called the board of directors and caused a scene to get my child added back into the race she so desperately wanted to swim. We could have caused a lot of people to do a lot of extra work to make my child happy. I could have gone to extreme lengths to give my child everything she wanted.

Have you seen that quote that encourages you to drink plenty of water and gets lots of sun? Good advice for us because we are essentially houseplants with complex emotions. How in the world can we expect our children to learn how to deal with complex emotions if we never allow them to experience them?

My husband and I could have made unreasonable requests in an effort to relieve our daughter from feeling complex emotions. But how would that have served her in the long run? Sure, it was hard for her but we all have to learn how to deal with disappointment. We have to learn how to accept the fact that people we love mistakes. We have to learn how to accept the fact that not everything in life will go our way.

The one thing I hope my kids never thank me for—giving them everything they want.

As humans, we are hard-wired to struggle. It’s not my job as a parent to keep my kids from ever having to struggle. Instead, it’s our job as parents to give them the tools to properly deal with the struggle.

After having time to be sad and disappointed, we talked with our daughter about what she ultimately wanted. We couldn’t change the circumstances, but it was worth at least exploring what she could personally get out of the situation; what it would take to get a positive outcome from this experience.

We talked with her coaches and after giving it some thought, she agreed to swim the event as an unofficial swimmer. That meant, her times wouldn’t count and she wouldn’t score any points. She couldn’t officially win, even if she technically did. She’d still get the opportunity to have another race experience.

It was a wasn’t everything she wanted.

She was able to live through the disappointment and still see the upside. She was able to accept the reality but still find the positive. She didn’t throw away the experience because it wasn’t perfect.

My job as a parent is not to keep my kids happy. Let’s face it, of all the emotions we have, happy is easy. Our kids do not need practice with being happy.  They do need to be prepared to face disappointment, sadness, and anger.  They need experience in extending the same grace to others that they would want in return. They also need practice in accepting situations for that what they are without  expectations for us to swoop in and fix it.

I hope my kids are grateful for all of the things we do for them, but for many reasons more importantly, I hope they are thankful for the things that we didn’t do.

Melanie Forstall is a full-time mother, full-time wife, full-time teacher, and never-enough-time blogger at Melanie Forstall: Stories of Life, Love, and Mothering. She holds a doctorate in education and yet those many years of schooling have proved to be utterly useless when it comes to actual mothering.

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5 Tips for Moms Dealing with Divorce

By Kara Reynolds

Choosing to get a divorce is one of the most difficult decisions you can make in your life—especially when kids are involved. Regardless of their age, you want to protect them at all costs and ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible. Of course, this is much easier said than done, as you may well know. Aside from the legal aspects, there are emotional and parenting issues you have to deal with. At times, these can be more taxing than the financial and contractual details. However, as impossible as it may seem right now, there are ways to care for yourself and your kids as you navigate this tumultuous time in your life. Here are some tips to help you make it through and become an even stronger mama in the process.

1. Give Yourself Time

One of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids is to give yourself time to process your emotions. It’s completely natural to experience panic, confusion, sadness, anger, and a slew of other feelings as you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is ending. In fact, you’ll likely go through the stages of grief as you move forward, eventually reaching acceptance. However, as painful as the process is, it’s best not to rush it. Sit with the pain and allow yourself to break down when you aren’t on mom duty. You’re human too, after all. You deserve to explore those complicated emotions without feeling the need to suppress them 24/7.

2. Don’t Go It Alone

While alone time is essential in processing your emotions, it’s equally important to find others with whom you can confide. Up until this point, it’s likely your husband was the one with whom you would share your thoughts and feelings. Now, you must trust close friends, relatives, or a therapist with the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Of course, opening up to others can be frightening and uncomfortable. However, talking to someone else may provide you a fresh perspective or prevent you from running back to a toxic relationship for the sake of your kids. You might also consider joining a support group so you can be with others who are currently going through or have been through a divorce.

3. Become a United Front

A lack of communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek divorce. However, when it comes time to inform the kids of your decision, you must be able to speak with one another and become a united front before talking to your children. After all, this decision involves both of you, so you should both be present when telling the kids. Moreover, your little ones will likely feel more comfortable and safe if you’re both there to explain things. Prepare for questions and make sure you and your spouse agree on the reasoning behind the divorce so you can answer them clearly and concisely.

4. Avoid Trash Talk

During that first conversation with your kids and throughout the divorce process, avoid trash-talking your spouse. Even if their actions or words were the reason for the divorce, it’s best not to drag them through the mud in front of your children. Your kids don’t need to know all the details of the divorce and, in the end, you still want them to respect both you and their father. Plus, you don’t want your little ones to feel like they have to choose a side—especially when you’re trying to protect them from the messiness of divorce. If your partner is trash-talking you, let your actions speak for themselves and resist the urge to defend yourself. Doing so will only fan the flames and give your kids more reason to turn against one of you.

5. Don’t Make Your Kids Messengers

Even before the divorce is final it isn’t uncommon for you or your spouse to move out and begin splitting time with the kids. If you continue to share custody of the children, this cycle of having your kids and sending them off to see their father will repeat for years to come. During the early stages, many ex-couples use the kids as messengers instead of directly communicating with one another. Don’t make the same mistake. Using your kids as middlemen puts them in the line of fire if an argument were to occur, causing real and lasting damage to their emotional health and wellbeing. Therefore, it’s best to text, call or email your ex privately or meet up and speak in person without your kids being present.

Today Is Not Your Forever

If you’re in the throes of divorce, it may be difficult—if not impossible—to see a silver lining in such a mess. Yet, it’s important to remember that you’re doing this for your kids if nothing else. They deserve a safe, loving home, and divorce may have been the only way to provide that. Find hope in the fact that even if today may be almost too much to bear, it won’t last forever. Eventually, you and your little ones will emerge from the rubble and rebuild your lives together. Looking back, you may find this was the best thing you could ever have done for your kids and their future.

This post originally appeared on Momish.

Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine.  A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures.  She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time. 

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