ML Interest Tag: learning-curve

My Kids Are Social Butterflies & Distance Learning Is a Struggle

by Beth Shea

Our series, Family Tales, is an honest peek into the daily lives of families across the country who are on this crazy ride we call parenthood! From divulging childcare costs to breaking down family finances to managing a virtual school year with multiple kids, we tap into the Red Tricycle army of parents to find out how they’re making it work. This series is a judgment-free zone.

Interested in telling your story? Start by filling out our questionnaire here. All stories are anonymous.

Distance Learning Is Not My Family’s Ideal Choice. Here’s How We’re Making It Work.

 

Name and occupation: Beth Shea, San Diego Editor at Red Tricycle
My partner’s occupation: Sales Manager
City: San Diego, CA
Grades my kids are in: daughter in 8th, son in 4th. They go to the same public school.
School set-up in 2020: Our school district is currently only offering distance learning. When they get the green light to go back to school in-person, the students will be split into attending morning or afternoon sessions to lessen the amount of kids on campus at one time. Many precautions and safety protocols will be in place and my kids will go back to school as soon as they’re allowed to.

The concept of ending summer to head “back to school” was an even harder sell for my kids this year since none of the excitement of seeing classmates and teachers and returning to campus was on the table. Our school district even gave our kids several extra weeks of summer in an effort to drop off the state’s Covid-19 watch list and return to in-person learning. We did in fact drop off the list, but then got word that school would still only be offered virtually for the time being. The yo-yoing and excitement over the prospect of going back and the disappointment of realizing this year there was no “back” in “back to school” has made this an emotionally and mentally draining time for our whole family.

My kids are ready to step out from behind the screens and go back to school. They are both social butterflies and extroverts and they enjoy absolutely nothing about being isolated behind a screen for hours on end every day. They learn better when lessons are taught in person and they thrive in settings where they can interact with their peers. Seeing them at home all this time is akin to watching beautiful birds who have had their wings clipped.

I’m trying to use this distance learning experience to teach my kids some vital life skills: grit, resilience, and how to adapt to change. Thus far, we have been dealing with a pretty steep learning curve of failed log-ins, links that don’t connect and online portals we can’t access… but we’re all trying to keep our cool and our sanity and have a lot of grace for each other and the teachers on the other end trying to orchestrate all of these moving parts.

Morning Routine: Up Early to Prepare for the Day

Luckily we’re all early risers, so we wake up ready to greet the new day and sit around the table for breakfast. My kids start school at 8:50 a.m. so it allows for a nice, leisurely start to the day. I also use this early morning time to make sure my kids’ laptops are charged, that the learning supplies they need are close at hand, and that they can log-on to all of their various applications. We save our passwords and bookmark important pages so all they need to do is click and go.

One issue we had to correct was that our Wifi signal wasn’t reaching far enough to provide a strong enough signal. My daughter’s Zoom calls kept freezing or dropping, which led to panic. We purchased this WiFi booster, programmed it, and now it “boosts” the WiFi signal so it reaches her room and enables a strong signal.

After breakfast we all go to our own corners of the house to log-on for school and work. I fill each of us a large bottle of water in our respective reusable water bottles, and I pop a packet of Ultima Replenisher Electrolyte Hydration Powder in each bottle. San Diego’s hottest temperatures are during the fall months, so I like to make sure we’re all staying hydrated––especially since dehydration leads to fatigue and immune stress. (Hydration is important during winter too!) These handy packets come in a variety of flavors from lemonade to raspberry and they really make it easy to get our necessary water intake alongside 6 electrolytes and trace minerals.

Both of my kids start their day with an hour and a half long Zoom session of STEM learning, followed by a mid-morning snack break. They like the option of staying connected on their Zoom call during snack break to chat and eat alongside their classmates. After snack they log on to their next major chunk of learning for the day, their hour and a half long session of Humanities. Next comes independent work, reading time and PE or music lessons (my son is learning to play the recorder).

Mid-Morning to Lunchtime: We All Head to Our Separate Workspaces, Kind Of

I spent the summer preparing for the inevitable eventuality of distance learning by making sure my kids had functional, comfortable workspaces tailored to their liking. They set up their own desk decor and even have some fidget toys on hand to get them through long Zoom calls: we like these stress balls. I’m currently on the hunt for a cushion for my son’s desk chair because he’s not ergonomically well-positioned at his computer. I have my eye on this chair cushion to provide a boost and comfort.

Another absolute must-have for every member of our family for distance learning and work: CalmOptics blue light blocking glasses. Now that we’re all on screens for a large part of the day, it’s essential that we wear these protective glasses to prevent eye strain, itchy eyes, headaches and even trouble sleeping––which can all be caused by blue light from screens. We love our glasses so much we even wear them to watch TV and my son wears them when playing video games as well. They’re a lifesaver anytime you have to look at a screen. CalmOptics glasses come in multiple sizes for little kids, teens and adults, so everyone’s covered––and the styles and colors are super cute too.

It’s vital that we all have our own separate workspaces because we all work better with no distractions. I work while my kids are in their rooms on their school calls, and they just give a shout if they need me––usually to solve a tech issue.

While I have a home office, I find myself migrating around the house a lot more with my laptop to be closer to my kids as we acclimate to connecting to Zoom calls and sorting out all the various school programs they need to navigate online. They often have questions and need support during these early weeks of this new way of doing school, so it’s easier for me to be nearby. My kids have always been respectful of my need to do my job (I’ve worked from home their whole lives), so they understand that more often than not, their downtime is my work time. When my kids were physically at school, I had large chunks of time alone to complete my work. Nowadays I have been working more late nights when it’s silent and I can work uninterrupted.

Throughout the Day: Staying Organized Saves Our Sanity

As mentioned, my kids’ school days are set up in chunks of time for each class subject. We all prefer tangible paper trails and dry erase boards over digital calendars, so I printed up and posted their schedules on the dining room wall so we can all see at a glance what’s happening when and so we all know when snack and lunch breaks take place. I have a magnetic dry erase board on my fridge that functions as my brain outside my body. Without it, I’d be lost. My daughter also got this weekly dry erase board for her wall to keep her assignments straight.

I also read a study that it’s really good for kids’ organization if they keep track of their assignments and to-do lists in written form, so we’re big fans of paper planners.

Lunchtime & Multiple Meet-Ups At the Kitchen Table to Check-in

The kitchen table is the heart of our home. The kids have daily snack time (from 10:10-10:30 a.m.) and lunch time (from 11:45 a.m.-12:45 p.m.), so we all sit together to eat and discuss what’s happening and what needs to be accomplished. I offer them fresh, healthy brain foods to keep them alert and energized. I make sure we have tons of grab and go fruit on hand as well as their favorite snacks and food so this downtime is something they look forward to and enjoy.

It’s the silver lining of home learning that we get to spend time together throughout the day and I’m up to speed on how they’re coming along with their schoolwork and privy to what they’re working on.

After School: Getting Off Screens & Outdoors is Vital to Our Happiness

Whether we’re taking an educational field trip to San Diego Botanic Garden, heading to soccer practice, riding scooters and skateboards or walking the dog, we usually can’t wait to get out of the house and into the great outdoors at the end of the virtual school day. It’s the most important part of our day to break away from screens, get fresh air and clear and reset our minds. School ends for both of my kids between 2-3 p.m. each day, depending on whether they have PE or music or need to finish up classwork that was assigned for the day. Normally, they’re out of in-person school at 2:50 p.m., so this means some days we get more free time (including no commute or long school pick-up lines), which I don’t miss.

None of us are fans of distance learning, but we’re grateful we have supportive teachers and the ability to rise to this unprecedented occasion from home. I know my kids will never again take for granted the ability to walk onto their school campus to see their friends and attend classes in person.

Interested in telling your story? Start by filling out our questionnaire here. All stories are anonymous.

—story and photos by Beth Shea

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The Wearable Breast Pump That’s a Game-Changer for New Moms

by Erin Lem

With a toddler who demands constant attention and a new baby who prefers the bottle, Erin, our Head of Editorial has no time to be attached to an outlet pumping. She decided to put Willow’s new Generation 3 breast pump to the test and here’s what she learned:

From packing a hospital bag to securely installing the new car seat, you’ve done your prep for bringing Baby home. But, what you can’t plan for—and what the books don’t tell you—is the sheer amount of time you’ll spend feeding your baby. For those who have lived it, nursing and pumping is a marathon deserving of an Olympic medal.

Now, thanks to the Willow Breast Pump, the world’s first all-in-one, in-bra breast pump, new moms can actually enjoy the feeding journey to the finish line. I’m a new mom with a 6 month old and 2.5 year old and I recently tested out their new Generation 3 model to see what the hype is all about. Read on for why I think the Willow pump is a total game changer and how it gave me back my freedom.

Convenience: Willow Lets You Pump Where You Want
With the Willow, you are never tied to an outlet and you can freely go about your day, all while pumping. I’ve pumped in the car on road trips, during work calls and building forts with my toddler. You can move without risking any spilled milk, and pump with freedom and dignity when you want and where you want. I love that I no longer have to schedule my day—or miss out on special family moments—around my pumping schedule. It’s truly liberating.

The Technology
The technology behind this pump is first-class. It’s quiet, compact and doesn’t require any special gadgets or supplies except a regular full coverage nursing bra with a nursing flap. The newest Generation 3 model even has a smart suction technology that adjusts the suction based on your preferences to increase output.

Online Tutorials & the App
Like with any breast pump, there is a learning curve (more on that below), so Willow is putting effort behind educating women on how to properly use the breast pump. You receive an instruction manual full of easy-to-follow illustrations and directions, which is also supported by an app and website that features video tutorials on everything from how to get set up to how to troubleshoot common issues. I found that the video tutorials online and in the app were helpful in the early days of using the pump.

Beyond the video tutorials, the app is especially useful when pumping. With the app, you can track how many ounces you’ve pumped per side, your historical pumping history and control the level of suction.

Minimal Parts to Wash
Unlike a hospital-grade pump, the Willow pump parts are minimal (hooray for easy cleaning!). You can either pump into single-use storage bags or storage containers (which you then wash and reuse). If possible, I suggest the latter, even though it’s one extra part to purchase. In the long run, you’ll save money and won’t be using a plastic bag every time you pump.

Milk Output and Comfort
We compared our milk output to our hospital-grade electric pump and were impressed that the amount of milk we pumped from the Willow was almost the same as the traditional pump. At times (like later in the day when our production level was low), I did have to pump longer than I normally would, but it was worth it for the freedom of mobility while pumping.

Good to Know Before Buying:

• The price point is spendy. But to put it in perspective: you invest in your baby’s crib, car seat and stroller, which you use daily. So, for those who can afford it, it makes sense to invest the same in yourself and a product you’ll also use multiple times every day. If buying a Willow isn’t an option, put out feelers to your local mom’s group to see if any mom is selling hers.

• There is a learning curve with the pump. Mainly, what Willow dubs “Flip to Finish” where you disengage the pump from your breast and flip it over to collect the milk. It took us a few tries (and a little bit of spilled milk) to finally grasp the proper steps on flip to finish. Luckily, there are a handful of online tutorials that show you exactly how to do it, as well as the Willow app itself with videos.

• Each Willow pump comes with one electrical charging outlet so if you want to charge both at once you would need to buy a second charging outlet.

• Each side of the pump can collect up to 4 ounces of breastmilk. If you do pump more than 4 ounces, the pump will automatically stop to prevent an overflow. For those who have an oversupply or pump larger quantities, you would need to disengage and pour out the milk, and then resume pumping.

• As mentioned above, Willow now has breast milk storage containers that you can reuse in the pump (they previously only offered single-use bags which could get expensive and aren’t environmentally-friendly). We suggest investing in the milk storage containers—they’re just as easy to use as the single-use bags.

Available at willowpump.com

Have you tried the Willow breast pump? Share this story on Facebook and tell us about your feeding journey. Remember: fed is best!

—Erin Lem

all photos from Willow

 

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My Maternity Leave Wasn’t a Given, So Here’s How I Made It Work

By Keren de Zwart

photo: iStock

Ah, maternity leave. A time to adjust to parenthood, bond with your new baby, recover from childbirth and not worry about work. Unless you live in the United States, of course. But let’s not make this another depressing story about the sad state of parental leave policies in America. We all know that it sucks.

I’m a child of entrepreneurs who made flexibility for new moms and working moms a thing 25 years before it was a thing. (Is it even really a thing, now?) My dad wasn’t some visionary feminist bleeding-heart. He was a successful business man, who also happened to be a devoted family man, who knew talent when he saw it and wasn’t willing to give it up when babies came into the mix.

So in their small little tech company in the ’90s, he turned an empty office room into a pumping room/nursery where new moms could bring their babies in to work for their first six months. And guess what? He had a 100 percent retention rate on those working moms—and his business was better for it.

Fast forward 20 years when I was pregnant working for a small business not covered by FMLA or its state equivalent. I turned to my dad’s vision for some negotiating tactics when I had to fight for even one day off. Here’s my takeaway.

Bring up your need for maternity leave early.

If you work for a small company that is anything like the one I worked for when I was pregnant with my daughter, you have non-existent maternity leave policies from a non-existent HR department. The whole company flies by the seat of its pants when it comes to decisions about maternity leave, and you’re terrified to even mention it. But hear me out: you need to mention it. And soon. Don’t wait to have this conversation until you’re a week from heading out the door to have your baby.

I was petrified to tell my managing partner I was pregnant. I was the only female attorney and when I finally did tell them at 15 weeks pregnant, for no other reason than I was worried they’d get wise to my growing bump, I qualified my “I’m pregnant” with “but don’t worry, I’m more committed to my billable hours than ever and you won’t even notice a difference and I’m going to work until I have the baby, and please don’t hate me ohmygod I’m so sorry my husband and I decided to start a family because this is so inconvenient for you.”

Whether planned or a surprise, having a baby shouldn’t feel like a burden to your or your company. The earlier you have the discussion, the more time both you and your company can come up with a plan that works for everyone.

Try to consider and understand your company’s view, too.

Part of the reason the United States doesn’t have any statutory parental leave policies in place is because we view small businesses as the back-bone of this country, so there is a lot of concern about the burden it places on the business to pay you, or even to hold your job, while you take even this necessary time off.

Take my experience, for example. I was at a firm with only five attorneys, including the partners. For me to be gone for any amount of time, they either have to spread all my work amongst the remaining attorneys (truly impossible) or hire a contract attorney. Attorneys are expensive, and there’s a major learning curve to take on a load of clients in the middle of big, complex transactions. By the time the temporary attorney would get their bearings, I’d be back. And a small firm sure as hell can’t afford to pay two attorneys for one job.

Keep this reality in mind when you go in to negotiate some time off. This isn’t only about you. This is about the company, too. Be ready to find a middle ground.

Get creative.

An estimated 80 percent of companies are not federally mandated to hold your job for 12 weeks under the Family and Medical Leave Act. If you work for one of these companies, how do you negotiate your maternity leave?

First, think long and hard about what is it that you want. Are you okay with not getting paid but you really want a few months off to bond with your new babe? Can’t afford to take unpaid leave but the thought of going back after a few weeks makes you sick?

If it’s more time you want, find a way to pitch so that it’s a win for them. Can you help them find a temp to fill in for you? Did you take on additional work for someone else when they were on leave and you can suggest the same accommodation can be made for you? If you’re a valuable asset to the company, you’d be surprised how much leeway they will be willing to give. Ask for the extra time off.

If you need (or want) the money, but you need to ease into it, talk about part-time or work-from-home options. You can suggest signing a trial-period contract that is results-driven with clear metrics to ensure you’re delivering on your end (no pun intended). Who knows: if you over deliver on this, you could end up with a permanently adjusted schedule to support that work-life balance.

Don’t be afraid to revisit.

Before you have a baby (or your second or third or fourth), you don’t really know what life will be like. Maybe that career woman will be thrown out the window and you won’t be able to imagine doing anything but raising your child. Maybe, like my sister, you’ll negotiate for four and a half months off and then decide you’re ready to go back a month early. Maybe you’ll want to move to part time after baby number three.

Don’t be rigid in your view. Allow yourself flexibility to address different milestones or needs, both for you and the company.

Personally, I was more than ready to go back to work at 12 weeks, but I ran into a snag when I was rigidly committed to nursing for a year and I wasn’t making enough milk. Literally, my first week back, I did a quick calculation and was going to run out of frozen breast milk in exactly eight days. It was time to make a decision: I could switch to formula or I could talk to my boss.

Have the conversation. (Again.)

I have never had a more awkward conversation in my life than the five-minute discussion where I had to tell my male managing partner that I wasn’t producing enough breast milk and I’d like for them to consider letting me work part-time from home for three more months until I got the baby on solid foods.

He literally tried to cut me off because he was so uncomfortable, but he needed to hear what my issue was, what I needed and how I planned to address it.

We negotiated three months on a part-time salary. I’d go down to two half-days in the office, plus a few hours each day at home. If one deadline was missed or a client complained I wasn’t available, the deal was over. It worked. I was able to get everything done and more—and I happily breastfed my daughter until she was 15 months old.

You never know what wrench will be thrown into your plans. So have a Plan A, B and C—and make sure it’s one that benefits both you and your employer.

But at the end of the day, if you don’t ask, the answer is always no.

Keren is a business owner x2 (flat-fee lawyer and digital marketing operations) in active pursuit of the elusive work-life balance. With a couple of demanding jobs, a husband who travels for work and two little kids, she maintains her sanity by reading and engaging in inappropriate banter with friends, family and strangers. 

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Parenting Is a Self Improvement Project in Disguise

By Lisa Howe

I believe that parenting is a giant self-improvement project in disguise. If you are paying attention at all and are even a little bit mindful of what you’re saying or doing, you can’t help but notice how our stuff shows up in all of our interactions with our children. I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s often uncomfortable. It’s so much easier to notice the areas of growth rather than the wins.

My daughter attends a project-based elementary school. She’s in second grade. Distance learning has been a huge learning curve as it has been for every parent I know. Her class has continued its on-going project on the body. She’s been studying the skeletal system and has been working towards preparing a presentation she’ll be doing today.

Personally, I’ve been focusing on all of the things the amazing Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, an incredible pediatrician and California’s first Surgeon General suggests for those who have experienced or are experiencing toxic stress: sleep, exercise, nutrition, mindfulness, mental health, and healthy relationships. We are all under a great deal of toxic stress right now. The beginning of the week went so well. The best we’ve had yet. I know, in large part, to plenty of the above. I put myself on the list of people to take care of so I could give everything I have to her.

But all of this day-to-day self-care doesn’t remove our triggers or our core fears which are so often activated in parenting. Not because of anything our children say or do, it is not their fault or responsibility, but because these buttons and old ideas were installed and existed long before I became a parent. I noticed myself getting quite strident about this presentation she was preparing to give. I kept taking deep breaths. I noticed I was getting a little too intense about a 90-second presentation on the femur. I took a break. I called a friend and talked it through. As I told the story, I was able to recognize what it was about. Guess what? It was not about the presentation. It was not even about my daughter. It was about me. My fear. My anxiety. My stress. My own insecurities. My worries about what her teacher might think and how her presentation would be a reflection on me.

I had a good laugh with my friend as I said, “Dude. This is a less than two-minute talk about one bone and I am acting like it is a freaking TED talk.” I meditated, confident in my self-awareness and ability to CTFD, and went back to helping her prepare. For about 45 minutes, I was able to be calm and measured.

Then, that self-awareness and calm evaporated. I ramped myself up again and did the opposite of what I suggest to parents every day—I created chaos instead of calm. My daughter told me she was feeling really pressured. My husband gave me *that* look, the one that says you are being insane. I made a repair and she went to bed.

I took another break and went for a long walk at dusk. I talked to a friend. I cried about my behavior. I laughed at my behavior. I walked for a long time bringing my mind and my body back into a space of equilibrium and perspective. I stopped and smelled the neighbor’s glorious purple roses.

By the time I made it back home, she was asleep and I was exhausted. Feelings can wear you out. I told my husband about what was going through my head today, all the fear and anxiety, the desire for my daughter to have the best presentation—the worry that her teacher would think less of me, a professional public speaker and if my daughter’s 90-second speech on the femur wouldn’t measure up to the level of professional paid speaking engagement. We laughed a lot because when you’re not in it, these old ideas and triggers are pretty damn ridiculous. He gave me loads of empathy and grace. Then I gave myself loads of empathy and grace and went to bed. Today is a new day. Today is her 90-second talk on the femur. It is not about me.  That is my mantra for the day.

I’m Lisa. I am an MSW, a mother of a six-year-old girl and a Certified Peaceful Parenting Coach. Using my knowledge, professional experience and personal journey as a parent, I coach other parents to develop happier, healthier and more peaceful relationships with their children.

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Why Routines Are Even More Essential during Coronavirus

By Candice Lapin

I already know what you might say. You are already tearing your hair out, ready to throw in the towel on routines! It’s certainly easier than arguing with a teenager who’s lost motivation. Or, a first-grader who is having trouble understanding Singapore math—and you don’t know how to teach it!

So, I wanted to just come out and say—let’s stop any judgments. Right now. You never thought you had signed up to be your child’s teacher. In fact, you might even be a teacher but it’s a whole other ball game to teach your own children. 

What I am going to tell you is likely the opposite of what you might be hearing. You first need to acknowledge your frustration, your disappointment, and your fears around this virus, the situation, your lack of control and maybe even your anger! Stuffing it down won’t help. 

Okay not that this was nearly enough acknowledgment, I want to tell you where I started when I converted my entire business to online learning (ahem Zoom!) and share what we are learning as we navigate virtual learning with kids K-12.

First, if you and your kids are struggling with this new style of learning, it’s been a learning curve for the educators as well. What we are reminding our families is that this moment is a call for everyone to be more compassionate with ourselves. If teaching doesn’t come naturally don’t sweat it, you don’t have to be good at everything.

Listen, as a CEO I outsource everything, so when I am down a person—I always start hopeful at the beginning of the week and then somewhere around day four the panic sets in. My nerves feel frayed and I feel like a thousand people keep asking me the same questions! Does this sound familiar?

In fact, I have been hearing from a lot of our families that the experience has really shown people how hard teaching really is!  

 

Start Small and Make It a Family Affair

Have everyone pick their study spot. Then make it their routine learning space. Like picking a chair in school, this is their spot and they can organize it how they want. They have to keep it clean and organized and tidy and that is how they get to help you. Having this routine virtual learning space will help your child feel safe and secure. In fact, routine learning spaces help children relax and recall what they are learning better.

You want to create a school routine. Now it’s essential that you get your kids involved so they can feel “part of” the solution. The added benefit is that daily routines reduce chaos, decision making and simplify your day. They know where they need to be. Plus routines make children feel safe, especially in an ever-changing world. Routines make the world feel predictable, like a security blanket. Introducing a sleep schedule can also help regulate your child’s mood. Have you ever noticed that when your child doesn’t nap at the scheduled time, you have more meltdowns?  

It’s okay to play. Remember all that time you have been wanting to spend as a family. Guess what you got your wish (perhaps not in the best of circumstances but there is always a silver lining)! Tell your kids to put down the devices and head outside.

If you struggle with teaching, can your kids help participate in your day? Have everyone plant a garden together or cook together. A lesson doesn’t need to be elaborate, it just needs to be inclusive.

Make sure that you are scheduling regular intervals of “work” and “play.” Caitlin N, one of our instructors suggests taking regular “breaks” to keep the attention going. In fact for younger children, some of the learning may look like play! That is a good thing. Many children learn kinesthetically and through play.

Don’t forget to talk about their feelings. Paul M, another one of our executive functioning instructors, suggests touching base on how your kids are feeling about downtime or virtual learning. It’s a big sacrifice to put our community first and not get to play with their friends. If you have older kids, you might even be dealing with a lot of disappointment around missing major milestones. It’s okay to be sad. 

Then share how you are handling it making sure to stay away from talks about fears and anxiety. Your especially sensitive kids will latch onto the anxiety-like candy. Don’t let them go there. Feelings are catching so if you are struggling with positivity right now—my biggest tool with adults—write a gratitude list. It will help you ground your space and turn your attention to what is good. 

If you are having trouble getting your child back into a routine, the first couple of days might be harder but as your child does it more, the repetition becomes relaxing. Start with something simple like getting back into bedtimes, then restart school times, adding a little more each week. Just like tightening braces—we don’t do it all at once!

 

Candice Lapin is the author of Parenting in the Age of Perfection: A Modern Guide to Nurturing a Success Mindset on Amazon. She is the founder of The Ladder Method, a learning company. Her instagram offers her tips for helping women lead from a sense of authenticity.

 
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Holidays, Parenting & Divorce: 3 Must-Read Tips for Mom

By Pilar Prinz

This time of year can be overwhelming for everyone. And being a separated or divorced mom can create a whole new set of challenges you never could’ve anticipated. Deep breath.This does get easier, I promise. Especially if you keep in mind these tips on how to navigate the holidays with kids…

Tip #1: When in doubt, stick to your parenting plan.

It’s easy to veer off schedule. Even your lawyer said it’s just a “fall-back,” right? Listen, being flexible is great when it’s a two-way street that works for everyone. But sometimes too much flexibility can actually add to your stress instead of taking it away. The more you venture off your plan, the more you’ll need to think about it, and the more room there’ll be for disagreements with your ex (“I said you can have them back to me on the 26th, not the 27th!”).

By sticking to your parenting plan from the get-go, you eliminate the risk of confusion. It may not be perfect, but it is reliable.

If you don’t have a parenting plan in place yet, use the standard parenting holiday schedule in your state or county as your go-by. If you don’t know where to find the plan for your area, call the clerk of your local court.

Tip #2: Remember that it comes out in the wash.

While this isn’t true with all parenting time, it should be with an alternating holiday schedule. Upset that he has the kids the first part of the break? Fair enough, especially if they’re little. But that also means it’s your turn next year. And if you don’t have a parenting order in place yet, keep track— in writing—of how you handled the dates this year, so you can make sure to set up next year accordingly.

We say this a lot at DIGC: Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. And it calls on a whole different type of strength. If you can stay focused and concentrate on the bigger picture instead of what’s happening right now, it’ll help you see that over the long haul, you’re each going to have the same amount of holiday time.

Moms of young children, we know this is an especially hard time for you. You’ve been with your kids on the first day of Kwanzaa, the last night of Hanukkah, or Christmas morning every year until now. It’s incredibly tough to miss this special time with them. Just do your best to remember that the holidays are about celebrating with your loved ones. The actual dates on which you do it aren’t as important as the fact that you’re celebrating.

Tip #3: Put yourself in your child’s shoes.

It’s easy to get caught up in the unfairness of having to miss out on any time with your children over the holidays. It’s also easy to get bent out of shape about whether the exchange on Christmas Eve will take place at 4 or 5 o’clock. If you were to ask your child what’s worrying her about your family holiday plan, you’re likely to hear something like “I just want to know where I’m waking up Christmas morning” or “I’m worried Santa won’t know which house to go to.”

Kids want consistency. They want to know the plan. (And they want to know that you’ve shared the plan with Santa!). They also take their cues from you. If you’re noticeably upset or unraveled by the schedule, they will be, too.

Friend, give yourself permission to make mistakes along the way. One thing I do know for sure: There is actually a learning curve here, and it does get easier as the years progress. Remember you’re not alone. You’re in good company.

This post originally appeared on Divorce in Good Company.

Divorce in Good Company is a female-focused digital destination dedicated to helping women survive and thrive as they go through divorce. Our vision is to rebrand divorce and dramatically improve the lives of women going through it. We help women find answers, stay positive, and be good to themselves!

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The Best Outdoor Activities for All Seasons

By James Anderson

Kids, outdoor lovers, and active families hate being cooped up in a house, waiting for better (weather) days to roll by. But that doesn’t have to be your only option! You can still take the family out for some fresh air and physical activity, no matter what time of year it is! Check out my list below as there’s always something fun and exciting to do outdoors!
 

Fall Activities

Hiking: Fall is the perfect time of year to go on a hike. The leaves are starting to change, so you’ll see beautiful scenery as you explore the trails. Even if you live in an area that’s relatively flat, you might be surprised by the hiking options available within a short drive. Hiking is a fun cardio workout, and it also helps you build strength in your legs. It can be a fun social activity, or it can also give you the chance to connect with nature and enjoy being on your own.

Rock Climbing: Rock climbing is an amazing full-body workout, and it always feels incredibly satisfying when you make your way to the summit. If you’ve never gone rock climbing before, head to your local gym to master the basics before trying any routes outdoors. If you do have the experience, autumn is the perfect time to venture to climb areas you may not have explored before. 

Geocaching: Geocaching is essentially a modern-day treasure hunt. Use an app to locate caches that other people have placed, and then when you find them, you can sign your name on the log and even leave small tokens. You can go geocaching in the city or out in nature, and it’s a great way to explore your local area. 

Wintertime Activities

Skiing: Skiing is a perfect way to make use of all the snow during this time of year. There are two types of skiing: downhill and cross-country. And while they both have a steep learning curve, they’re incredibly fun once you master the basics. In downhill skiing, you’ll take a lift to the top of a mountain and then ski down the trails. Cross-country skiing is more of a cardio workout and takes you through varied terrain. 

Snowshoeing: Snowshoeing is essentially hiking through the snow on trails that are similar to cross-country ski trails. Snowshoes are designed to re-distribute your weight so you don’t sink into the snow. This is one of the winter activities that are easiest to get started with, as it’s very intuitive and safe, and doesn’t require much practice. 

Ice Skating: Ice skating is a quintessential winter activity that’s worth enjoying at least once during the season. Rent skates and try your hand at circling the rink—it’s difficult, but it can be very rewarding as well. If you have some basic skating skills already, you can even try playing hockey with your friends. 

Springtime Activities

Biking: Spring is the perfect time to go out for a bike ride. You can opt to bike to work or on a local trail, or if you’re feeling a little more adventurous, you might consider going mountain biking and get the adrenaline and blood pumping properly. Biking can be a fun social activity to do with the kids or just something to enjoy on your own. Curious about how to take your bike and equipment on the road? Take a look at www.rackfact.com—they have a bunch of great options to consider, especially if you’re unsure about transporting or storing multiple bikes for the family.

Camping: The late spring is also a perfect time to go camping. Pleasant temperatures mean you’ll be able to make the most of the experience, and you won’t have to worry about bugs the way you might later on in the summer. No matter where you live, camping is the perfect opportunity to really immerse yourself in nature. You’ll get to see the stars, relax in wildlife, and you can even make a bonfire. 

Fishing: The ideal time to start fishing. Your state’s department of parks and recreation will likely have a directory of places to go fishing in your area, as well as guidelines to follow while fishing. You can fish from a boat or from the river banks, depending on your area. Check to see what the ideal times for fishing are near you – in the spring, it’s usually most effective to go around dusk. 

Summertime Activities

Kayaking: With all the heat outside, summer is the perfect time to head out onto the water. Kayaking is a fun water sport that’s accessible for beginners, and it’s also a good workout. If you have a lake, bay, or river nearby, see if they offer kayak rentals. You can go kayaking on your own or with another person. You can also try canoeing, which is very similar. If you like the idea of getting out on the water, but want to try something a little easier, you can also go paddle boating. 

Swimming: Swimming is an excellent way to cool off on the hottest summer days. Whether you go to an ocean, lake, or pool, it’s something you can do virtually anywhere. Before you go swimming, make sure you know at least a few basic swimming techniques so you can stay safe in the water. Swimming is an excellent form of cardio exercise for those who struggle with injuries because there’s very little impact on your joints. 

There are so many great reasons to head outside and get active, no matter what season it is or where you live. Spending time outdoors is not only great for your physical and mental health, but participating in outdoor activities can also be a great way to make friends.

 

Writer and photographer, an avid kayaker, outdoorsman and mountain biker. Dad to a brilliant and feisty 5-year-old, and all-round family man. Dogs are great as well! Also, send coffee!

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This Boot Camp Helps Dads Prep for Baby

by Erica Loop

Long gone are the days when dad went to work, came home to a dinner (and probably a finely poured martini) and was thought of as an occasional babysitter. The number of dads staying home with their kiddos is on the rise, according to data from the Pew Research Center.

Given the ever-evolving role that fathers play, daddy bootcamps are popping up to help men overcome first-time parenting anxieties. Even though there’s no shortage of prenatal classes, many are geared towards the maternal experience. This can leave dad feeling left out or unsure about his ability to parent his soon-to-be new baby.

photo: Leandro Vendramini via Pexels

Professor at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine and an attending physician at Lurie Children’s Hospital in Chicago, Dr. Craig Garfield, told NPR, “Dad’s parenting questions can fall to the wayside.” Garfield added, “Because each parent holds a separate role in their child’s life, expectant mothers and fathers may seek different answers to their parenting questions.”

To address this, and other related issues, classes such as Boot Camp for New Dads are helping fathers-in-the-making to get ahead of the learning curve. The non-profit, which was founded way back in 1990, has helped more than 325,000 men to learn about dad-ing.

According to the Boot Camp’s website it’s a, “Unique father-to-father, community-based workshop that inspires and equips men of different economic levels, ages and cultures to become confidently engaged with their infants, support their mates and personally navigate their transformation into dads.” To learn more about this baby-centric boot camp, visit the Boot Camp for New Dads website here.

—Erica Loop

 

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Preemie Essentials: All the Products New Parents Need

by Eva Ingvarson Cerise

Bringing your premature baby home from the hospital is an exciting milestone. To help both of you adjust to life at home, we’ve rounded up the products you’ll need for your preemie, from baby gear to bottles and much more. Congratulations to your NICU graduate!

photo: bingngu93 via Pixabay 

Talk to your pediatrician and the NICU staff for specific recommendations for your baby. Then read on for products designed with preemies in mind.

Preemie Basics

Keep germs away from your sensitive babe by stocking up on hand sanitizer, antibacterial soap and face masks for your family and visitors.

You’ll also need a baby thermometer and preemie-size diapers. Brands including Pampers, Huggies, Seventh Generation and Earth’s Best make disposable diapers in preemie sizes. If you’re using cloth diapers, check out the Green Mountain Diapers website for preemie options and recommendations on what you’ll need.

photo: Three Little Tots

Baby Gear

When purchasing a car seat, look for seats that accommodate newborns starting at 4 pounds, such as the Chicco Keyfit. Add a mirror to the backseat positioned at the car seat so you can monitor your child while you’re driving.

Place a tag on your car seat and stroller letting people know they should keep their distance for your baby’s health. We love the Tags4Tots tags from Three Little Tots (shown above). They come in a variety of colors, styles and phrases to get your point across clearly. The company also sells car seat covers and pacifier clips with friendly reminders not to touch baby. If your child needs medications, Three Little Tots also sells a handy medicine chart that attaches to your fridge to help you remember dosages and when to give them.

Baby wraps are a must for baby’s comfort (and to help you get things done). If you have a baby store in your area, visit one to try out the wraps to see which suits your body and your baby best. Check out wraps from Solly Baby, Baby K’Tan and MOBY, all of which preemie moms recommend. A store clerk can also help you get past the learning curve of tying a wrap—if you’re still stuck, head to YouTube for instructional videos on the wrap you choose. 

If you’re looking for an infant seat, the Mamaroo with an infant insert is a great bet. The Mamaroo sways side to side and gently bounces up and down to mimic parents’ comforting movements and comfort little ones. It’s used in many hospital NICU units to soothe premature babies.

photo: Dr. Brown’s

Feeding Tools

Whether you’re breastfeeding, bottle-feeding or both, preemie babies have special needs when it comes to nourishment. Look for bottles with preemie nipples (some brands to check out include Dr. Brown’s (shown above), Comotomo, Munchkin Latch and nanobebe).

If you’re pumping, invest in a good breast pump and pumping bra (check out our favorite breastfeeding tips, tricks and gear). And if you need a nursing pillow, read about top pillows with features that can help with your baby’s specific nursing needs.

Finally, the Hatch Baby Grow changing pad features a built-in scale to help you track baby’s weight gain, feeding amount and diaper changes for added peace of mind.

photo: Tracey Shaw via Pexels

Sleep Products for Preemies

There are monitors that track sound, movement, room temperature and much more. Consider your home’s configuration and talk to your pediatrician about specific features you should look for. Choose a monitor that addresses baby’s needs and your top concerns for baby’s sleep safety so you can both rest soundly.

In terms of sleepers, choose swaddle blankets or a sleepsack that’s safe for preemies, such as the HALO SleepSack. If your child is coming home with tubes still attached, look for sleepers with snaps rather than zippers.

Pacifiers also come in preemie size from companies including Philips and RaZbaby.

Bathing

The Puj tub cradles kids who are too small for other baby tubs and is made of a soft foam that conforms to standard-size sinks. When bathing baby, choose natural baby soaps and lotions that are more gentle on sensitive skin.

photo: Carters

Clothes for Premature Babies

Preemie parents are in luck when it comes to finding cute, teeny outfits, hats and socks for their little warriors. Find your favorites from brands such as Carters (shown above), Feltman Brothers, Kickee Pants, Preemie Clothes Mart and Perfectly Preemie.

Pro tip from preemie moms: Choose kimono tops that open and wrap around baby, rather than a traditional top that you have to put baby’s head through.

Parent Self-Care

Treat yourself to a high-quality hand cream (you’ll need it with all the hand-washing), and buy or make a keepsake box to hold your NICU items. Get a non-toxic, washable ink pad to help you remember just how small those hands and feet really were, and fill out a memory book to document the amazing journey you’re on.

—Eva Ingvarson Cerise

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How to Help Kids Handle Their Emotions

by Kipp Jarecke-Cheng

Kids may say the darndest things, but when it comes to expressing themselves, they have an uncanny knack for letting everyone around them know exactly how they feel. While it’s good to be in touch with emotions, there’s a learning curve to regulating feelings and knowing what’s socially appropriate. Experts weigh in on how to help kids manage their emotions. See what they had to say below. 

Ryan Franco via Unsplash

Move from meltdown to mindfulness.

Most parents have a sixth sense for when a meltdown is about to erupt from our own kid. And despite previous experiences, our reflex response can range from trying to stifle our child’s emotional explosion (especially in public) or escalating the anxiety of the moment by over-reacting. Dr. Lisa Firestone, a clinical psychologist and author, recommends that parents take a moment to gather ourselves and to use a meltdown situation as a mindfulness teaching moment. “When our child has calmed down, it is helpful to explain to them that feelings, even intense emotions, come and go,” says Dr. Firestone. “Our emotions pass through us like waves, building and building until finally they reach their peak, crash, and subside. We can’t choose these feelings, but we can decide how we will behave when they arise.”

Learn to see beyond anger.

How parents and caregivers react to a child’s emotions have a direct and lasting impact on the development of the child’s emotional intelligence, according to experts. When a child is angry or acting out, rather than dismissing those feelings as something that’s simply negative or bad, it’s important to help children learn to manage their anger responsibly. “When we’re willing to stop and notice the deeper feelings of our anger, we find hurt and fear and sadness,” says Dr. Laura Markham, author and founder of Aha! Parenting.com. “If we allow ourselves to feel those emotions, the anger melts away. It was only a reactive defense.”

Caleb Woods via Unsplash

Remember that crying is OK.

Helping kids develop healthy relationships with their emotions requires building their emotional awareness and healthy coping skills. This includes understanding that crying is a normal response to being overwhelmed by strong emotions. While some children may cry more than others, parents shouldn’t confuse emotions with weakness. “Sometimes parents are embarrassed by overly emotional kids,” says Amy Morin, a licensed social worker. “A father may cringe watching his son cry after losing the baseball game or a mother may usher her daughter out of dance class at the first sign of tears. But crying isn’t a bad thing. And it is OK for kids to have intense feelings.” 

Know the difference between feelings and behaviors.

Learning to express emotions in a socially appropriate manner is a major milestone for most kids, and parents and caregivers play critical roles in supporting this development. One important transition for children is understanding the difference between what they are feeling and how they are acting upon those feelings. “Tell your child that she can feel any emotion she wants—and it’s OK to feel really angry or really scared,” says Amy Morin, a licensed social worker. “But, make it clear that she has choices in how she responds to those uncomfortable feelings. So even though she feels angry, it’s not OK to hit. Or just because she feels sad, doesn’t mean she can roll around on the floor crying when it disrupts other people.”

Gabriel Baranski via Unsplash

Practice makes perfect.

Practicing positive behaviors in a neutral environment before an emotional outburst occurs can help kids understand how to manage overwhelming feelings. “Use role play to help your child work through different upsetting situations,” says Katie Sadowski, a board-certified behavior analyst. “By practicing and talking about different upsetting situations that could possibly happen, it can help your child be prepared to deal with a future upset.” Sadowski recommends encouraging your kid to independently work through as much of the problem as possible before jumping in with help or guidance.

Reduce or remove triggers for upsetting behaviors.

For kids whose emotions and outbursts may seem to be “out of control,” parents and caregivers can help alleviate the problem by reducing or eliminating triggers to a child’s upsetting behaviors. “Triggers are based on how we are wired, and also are often programmed in early childhood by the ways our parents and families behaved and responded to us,” says Debbie Pincus, therapist and creator of The Calm Parent. “Seemingly inconsequential things can ‘set us off.’ The same is true for your child.” Pincus encourages parents to gain the self-awareness of what triggers we possess, and help our children gain the self-awareness of their own triggers—then to avoid the triggers.

iStock

Read a book or watch a movie together.

According to Dawn Huebner, a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of anxiety in children and their parents, and the best-selling author of eight books on the topic of managing emotions, sometimes the best approach to teaching is to encourage creativity. Reading books about emotional control with your child can serve the dual purpose of spending quality time together with the added bonus of imparting useful life skills. Additionally, watching movies like Inside Out and My Neighbor Totoro with your child can open up opportunities to talk about difficult topics like loss, grief and anger.

Model appropriate behaviors and reactions.

Children mimic everything that they see around them, including emotional responses, so it’s critically important that parents and caregivers model the appropriate behaviors and reactions that we want our children to exhibit and possess. Resisting the immediate urge to punish or yell when a child is behaving badly will help to defuse a potentially explosive situation. Instead, experts encourage parents and caregivers to help children feel safe enough to feel their emotions, even while limiting their disruptive or destructive actions and behaviors.

—Kipp Jarecke-Cheng

 

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Feature photo: Jessica Lucia via Flickr 

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