ML Interest Tag: loneliness

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Distance for Christmas

By Krissy Dieruf

It finally hit me, standing in Costco’s cooler aisle holding a giant container of cranberry jalapeno cream cheese. The creamy pink dip looked delicious, as all king-sized dips at Costco do. I pictured it in a festive bowl surrounded by various crackers, perfect for a holiday party. I could practically taste it as I lowered it into my cart. Then I froze, turned slowly, and put it back on the shelf. There will be no holiday parties this year. There will be no meat trays and cracker plates. There will be no Christmas as I have known Christmas to be my whole life. My family alone can’t eat an entire vat of spicy cream cheese, so there is no reason to bring it home. My heart breaks at the realization, and I watch it crumble into a million little pieces right there on the cement floor.

I push my cart away, a cloak of sorrow surrounding me as I go to find the massive bags of coffee, those I can inhale on my own. I throw two in my cart with a thud, wondering if anyone else around me is swallowing the same lump of grief. I couldn’t bring myself to look, though, fearing a scene out of a zombie movie, pale, lifeless, broken spirits slogging through the store. I checked out with nothing fancy or festive, no special treats or savory snacks for gatherings this year—boxes of orange chicken and bags of coffee the bulk of my purchase. Head down, choking back tears, I slip out the sliding glass doors.

I knew Christmas would be different this year, expected to pair down the celebrations. However, the impact of the reality hadn’t fully sunk in yet. When it did, it hurt like hell. I miss my friends. I miss my family. December usually consists of special brunches and cookie decorating days, gift exchange dinners, and holiday book club nights. I can live without all of that, but I never imagined I wouldn’t be with my extended family on Christmas. Alas, the coronavirus looms too large a threat for some high-risk members. Since my husband and I don’t want to make this one the last one with our parents and grandparents, we had to make some hard choices. My rebel self is screaming, do it anyway, don’t let that virus hold you back. You have to live your life. Everything will be fine. The community-minded part of me whispers, you have to think of others. It’s better to be safe than sorry. The third part of me, the scared part, imagines someone dying because it’s too hard to go without our traditions.

It is truly the most wonderful time of the year when we get to snuggle in living rooms sparkling with Christmas lights and shiny ornaments. I love watching the kids’ eyes light up as they unwrap presents and sneak candy canes under the tree. Sometimes I think I might die without these moments. I vacillate between anger and rage and sorrow and anger again. I force myself to think positive. To find the alternative joys of the season and reach beyond myself. It’s hard, requiring every ounce of grace in my bones, grace I have to summon from God to see the proverbial forest through the trees. This Christmas is going to hurt, but hold on. If we make it through, we’ll have many more Christmases to come.

The thing is, Christmas started with a little family all alone in a manger. Cast aside, afraid, nowhere to go, they hunkered down together in a stable, the animals their only company. The Holy Family welcomed Jesus into the world without cranberry jalapeno cream cheese. Without cooked ham or a fancy spread. He entered the world with nothing, the King of kings. Our savior. We give gifts on Christmas in the symbolism of gifts given to Jesus by The Three Wise Men. We see the wise men in pictures and hear of them in stories standing beside baby Jesus in the manger, presenting him with gold frankincense and myrrh. But the truth is that The Three Wise Men were not in the stable with Jesus at His birth. Biblical accounts portray their travel as taking several months at least, possibly even years.

So here’s what I’m thinking; maybe this Christmas we are like the wise men. We can’t be with the ones we love because we are still walking this long journey through a dry, lonely desert. We won’t get to the end exactly when we want. We won’t celebrate together on the specific day of Jesus’s birth, but we know the wait will be worth the time and trouble once we finally arrive. This year, we have to be strong and patient, trusting that the star of Bethlehem will light our paths, that God will show us the way. We will celebrate everything, have everything we want and need in time, and it will be wonderful. Our job is just to keep going, to focus on our blessings no matter how small they may seem, and find gratitude in the little things that hold us tight.

Christmas won’t look the same this year, likely mixed with grief and loss, sorrow and fear. Loneliness may linger in our hearts for the missing celebrations and distance between family and friends. But Jesus is with us always. And Christmas in July could be just as good. Maybe even better.

Krissy Dieruf is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, loves to sing and dance around the house and has a soft spot for rebels and crazy hair. 

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The Year of the Forgotten Children

By BriAnna Olson

This past year has been the hardest yet for our family of three. No secret to the masses, this worldwide pandemic has been an intense, devastating wave. It has caused stress (like for millions of others) financially, as we rely on just one income. It has caused anxiety, and frustration and the feeling of loneliness. The feeling of being trapped and secluded. And it has caused the world death, and despair and heartache. We all know someone who has been affected, in one fashion or another.

But when you think of who has been hit the hardest, for many, special needs children are nowhere on that radar. I feel it impossible to describe the emotion behind watching your child be seemingly forgotten. Day in and day out in the last ten plus months, I have watched my child slowly regress. Autism winning, taking hold of his world, and ours, with no way to stop it. This grows apparent with every skill that has been lost and had to be relearned from previous years; things like simply staying seated, or throwing things away properly.

We have seen more compulsive behaviors like hoarding and hiding items (of no known rhyme or reason) under beds, and couches, and in drawers. We’ve witnessed it in sleep, as Beckett seems to need/get fewer and fewer hours of rest in, with each month that passes. We see this in every meltdown induced by simply having to leave our home (for any reason). Many days, Beckett does not want to be away from his safe space. His bubble. And every red light, every turn, every stop causes a tense meltdown.

And on that same token, visitors, family, they are no longer “welcomed” in our home with his sweet smile and overjoyed personality. But rather, with tears, and frustration, and hands leading them back to the front door, in an attempt to get them to leave. It’s evident in meals, as Beckett’s food list grows smaller yet, though we have tried hard to push new things. There is just too much “new” occurring for him in the day-to-day. And all the while, I still have to keep up that same previous, consistent fight, for him to be truly seen.

There are no specific protocols put in place for children like mine, on the spectrum, and with various other special needs. There is no change made just for them, to keep them excelling, or even just to keep them from backpedaling. Nothing to keep them grounded, in a world turned upside down. Where is their assistance when schools and centers close their doors? Where are they to put their trust, when instructors leave them to their devices, to attempt to learn “like everyone else”?

My son’s mind craves stability and schedules. His body needs consistency and routine. While all the world is going on to “Plan B” with online educating, and rotating schedules, children just like mine are forgotten in the shadows. Forced to magically transform, or “sit tight” and ride out the storm. How is my son to survive a world in crisis, implementing the very structures that push every “fight or flight” mode in his body?

With all my might, I will push to be the brightest beaming lighthouse he needs, to navigate this life, but I am just one light in this dark, wide ocean.

This post originally appeared on To Infinity & Beyond Words.

BriAnna is a stay-at-home mom to her Disney loving, son Beckett (5), and wife to her Navy  Veteran husband, Cameron. Beckett is Autistic and non-verbal, so BriAnna created her page, "To Infinity & Beyond Words" to shine a light of love on their world of special needs. Their family of three call Nebraska home, and call themselves blessed. 

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How to Manage Family Conflict during COVID

By Erin Wiley

Let’s play a little Jeopardy, shall we? The answer, for $500: “Being cooped up for six months with no social gatherings, wearing masks everywhere we go, working from home but still losing income, terrifying nightly news reports every day of the week, and confusing opinions about how school should look this fall”. Ding! “What are some of the situations that are leading to greater conflict in our families during COVID, Alex?” Correct! $500 pretend dollars for the exhausted-looking person reading this article!

Chances are you know exactly what I’m talking about. Not only is there still great fear about the virus in general, but people are on edge about the economy, our jobs, our kids’ schooling, loneliness and disconnection in our extended families and communities, and more. And this viral crisis shows no signs of ending anytime soon. As a therapist, I can tell you it’s leading to heightened conflict in homes across America. How do we better manage the stress, frustration, anger, and disappointment so that we can keep distress in our families to a minimum? Here are five top tips for handling conflict during COVID. 

1. Listen: When you are not in agreement with someone important to you, listen to and validate the other person’s point of view. This is the best first step. It’s disarming for people when they feel truly heard, especially when two people have very different beliefs or feelings on an issue. You don’t have to agree with someone to reiterate their point back to them in an attempt to show you are listening and you understand where they are coming from. Start here.

2. Try and find common ground: Emphasize anything that is similar or that you can agree upon. This can lead to a faster resolution and better compromise. You maybe want something done differently or at a different pace, but usually what we all want in the end is similar: peace, order, harmony, progress, healing, chocolate, and naps. Look for areas where you can reach an agreement.

3. Let it go: Sometimes it isn’t worth the fight. Remember: people do not have to agree. Ultimately we need to learn to let go of control of others. We should seek to be kind and respectful above being right/winning. Not every fight is one you can let slide… but perhaps you can change your tone or approach in a disagreement to lower the level of conflict with people you love.

4. Become a proficient apologizer: When you do mess up and things get heated or you’ve been unkind, don’t hesitate to apologize. When you ask for forgiveness for your behavior or words, all it means is that you are acknowledging that you did something hurtful, not that you are a bad or weak person. The healthiest people apologize easily (it takes lots of practice to get there) because they see nothing wrong with admitting they may have done something hurtful to someone else. An “I’m sorry” can go a long way in times of conflict, and it’s a great example to set for others around us who may struggle with this basic relationship skill. Be generous with repair attempts. It ultimately will pave the way for greater peace in our most important relationships. 

5. Practice self-care: Work on emotional management and de-stressing outside of times of conflict. Find ways to process your emotions and create healthy outlets for your stress. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so that you can be as balanced as possible when conflict does arise. Work on healthy food choices for optimal health, improve sleep hygiene and routine, and move your body with a simple exercise like walking. Get outside. Play with your pet. Find a few minutes alone each day. Meditate, journal, or create a spiritual practice. Recognize when you need a break from other people, and make it happen. Go for a drive. Sit in the sun for a few minutes. Even a few minutes of self-care daily can help us create the internal peace we need to stay calm when conflict does arise. 

Most of all, cut yourself and others around you some slack. This is unprecedented. People are struggling. This is hard. There is great uncertainty. We are all just taking it day by day. In times as stressful as this, we know that incidents of conflict are going to rise—it’s inevitable. We can’t change that fact, but we can be prepared with strategies like the ones suggested above to help smooth over the struggles brought upon by the unprecedented difficulties we are all living through at this time. We can do this, Friends. For our families, and with our families, we can do this.

Erin Wiley, MA, LPC, LPCC, is a clinical psychotherapist and the Executive Director of The Willow Center, a counseling practice in Toledo, Ohio. The clinical focus of her therapy work is marriage, family, parenting, and relationships. She has extensive training in marriage counseling from the Gottman Institute. 

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6 Tips & Resources to Help Children Grieve

By Charlene Khaghan

There is nothing in a child’s life that will prepare them for the death of a loved one. While children pass through the same stages of grief as adults, due to their limited life experiences, they will grieve differently. It is important to remember that every person and child grieves differently and at his or her own pace, and the sadness they feel due to the loss of a parent or other loved one may be experienced in many different ways over time. By helping your child grieve in a healthy manner, your child can build a new normal, one where happy memories exist with the hope for brighter days.

1. Acknowledge Your Child’s Grief. It is important to recognize that your child is grieving. Be careful not to impose your own grief on your child, but rather allow him or her to grieve in his or her own way. It is normal for children to feel a variety of feelings, including sadness, anger, and fear. Parents might worry about their children when they go from one feeling to the next, but experts assure parents that children will grieve as much as they need to, as long as they are allowed to do so.

2. Be Honest and Explain the Loss. It is important to present the news in a straightforward manner with age-appropriate information. Children may have difficulty processing lengthy explanations, but they do need facts. Something as simple as, “Uncle Joe’s heart stopped working yesterday which made his body stop working.” Older children will need more specific facts, such as the name of an illness. Remember to stay focused on this one incident and provide frequent reminders that you are ok.

3. Share Memories. Find ways as a family to remember your loved one. Perhaps it’s something that’s visible on a daily basis, like planting a tree in the back yard or creating a special picture book all about Uncle Joe, or sending off balloons once a year—anything that connects your family to your loved one who has passed.

4. Write about the Experience. One way to help children move past their grief is to have a parent or adult write down the experience of hearing the loss so that the child does not have to relive it all of the time. Many times, children (and adults) are afraid or nervous that if that don’t relive the moment of death, they will forget it. By having something to reflect on, they will always be able to remember the experience and therefore be able to move forward.

5. Allow Children to Participate: Engaging children in the planning of activities can help them feel connected to what is happening around them. Let them talk about it. Children need to have the opportunity to put their feelings into words. They may be anxious about the safety of other loved ones or themselves. Or they may be feeling guilty about times they weren’t nice to the deceased, or sad thinking about opportunities they missed to show affection. They will do better if they can express their feelings to those who can provide the reassurance they need to heal.

6. Provide Resources: Consider turning to activities that you can do as a family to help with the grieving process. These may include reading children’s books or watching movies. Connecting with characters or hearing another expert’s perspective may help them feel less alone in the experience. During the healing process, they will likely realize that everyone will go through the loss of either with a pet or a loved one.

Here are 4 books that can help children process their grief and loss.

A Tiny Step Forward by Charlene Khaghan and Jill Starishevsky (Ages 4-8)
A Tiny Step Forward was written to let young children know that if they have lost someone close, be it a friend or family member, it is okay to feel upset and miss the person they are grieving. And, in the days that follow, it is okay to once again feel happy and to enjoy life as their loved one would have wanted for them. Though each day may only be a tiny step forward, the author’s hope is that the final stanza of the book will always serve as a reminder that our loved ones are never truly gone as long as they live in our hearts. In addition, the book includes a section designated for kids to include a photo of their loved one and space to include some of their favorite thoughts and memories.

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst (Ages 7-12)
The Invisible String is a very simple approach to overcoming the fear of loneliness or separation with an imaginative flair that children can easily identify with and remember. Here is a warm and delightful lesson teaching young and old that we aren’t ever really alone and reminding children (and adults!) that when we are loved beyond anything we can imagine. “People who love each other are always connected by a very special string, made of love. Even though you can’t see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart, and know that you are always connected to the ones you love.”

The Remarkable Journey of Coyote Sunrise by Dan Gemeinhart (Ages 9-12)
The Remarkable Journey of Coyote Sunrise: Five years. That’s how long Coyote and her dad, Rodeo, have lived on the road in an old school bus, criss-crossing the nation. It’s also how long ago Coyote lost her mom and two sisters in a car crash.

Coyote hasn’t been home in all that time, but when she learns that the park in her old neighborhood is being demolished―the very same park where she, her mom, and her sisters buried a treasured memory box―she devises an elaborate plan to get her dad to drive 3,600 miles back to Washington state in four days…without him realizing it.

Seven Clues to Home by Gae Polisner and Nora Raleigh Baskin (Ages 8-12) 
Seven Clues to Home: When you’ve lost what matters most, how do you find your way back home? Joy Fonseca is dreading her 13th birthday, dreading being reminded again about her best friend Lukas’s senseless death on this day, one year ago—and dreading the fact he may have heard what she accidentally blurted to him the night before. Or maybe she’s more worried he didn’t hear. Either way, she’s decided: she’s going to finally open the first clue to their annual birthday scavenger hunt Lukas left for her the morning he died, hoping the rest of the clues are still out there. If they are, they might lead Joy to whatever last words Lukas wrote, and toward understanding how to grab onto the future that is meant to be hers.

A mother of five children, Charlene’s husband passed away suddenly when their youngest child was only three years old.  Khaghan has a master’s degree in special education and LMSW in social work.  She currently works as a therapist in a university counseling center.

 

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A Letter to Our Teachers: Thank You for Keeping Us Going

By Melissa Heckscher

Photo: Melissa Heckscher

Dear Teachers,

I just want you to know, there are days when I want to give up on this whole “distance learning” thing.

There are days that I want to close my eyes and surrender—to let my kids plug themselves into Youtube or Xbox or whatever device they’d rather watch instead of doing schoolwork. Because seriously: Getting my 8 and 10-year-old boys to focus on school (while my gleefully unoccupied 5-year-old daughter frolics around the back yard belting out Frozen 2 songs) seems close to impossible.

But I don’t give up. You know why?

Because you don’t.

No, every school day since this whole “Shelter in Place” thing started, you’ve been there. In fact, I’ve mapped out our daily schedule based on what you’ve laid out for us: Zoom meetings in the morning; art in the afternoon; read-alouds at lunch. You give us someplace to “go.” Thank you for that.

I know it can’t be easy. For one, you’ve managed to get whole classes of kids—and their parents—proficient at Zoom. That alone is an accomplishment, but it’s not all you’ve done: Along with knowing how to navigate his Chromebook like a pro and type 54 words per minute, my second-grader can now put together a Powerpoint Presentation better than I can. That’s all you, Teacher. Thank you.

And don’t think we don’t realize how much time you’re spending on us. You’ve shot videos, sent lesson plans, hosted Zoom meetings, given advice, and offered extra help—even while some of you have your own children needing your attention, too (I’ve seen you calmly tending to your kids mid-Zoom, Fourth Grade Teacher, and I just want to say you’re amazing).

You’ve spent your nights reading and reviewing kids’ work—scouring endless pages of Common Core math problems, grammar sentences, essays and tests—even when you have your own families to care for.

You’ve dealt with us parents, answering what must be an onslaught of e-mails, despite the fact you’ve probably already addressed all said concerns in previous e-mails or Google Classroom posts. (Sorry about that. )

You’ve worked hard, even when you were tired. You’ve kept going, even when you were drained. You’ve navigated this strange remote learning world, even when you weren’t sure whether you were doing it right. (You are!)

Most importantly: You’ve shown up for my kids with the same loving-but-“Let’s get down to business” attitude they’ve known all school year—even as the weight (or loneliness) of working from home amid a pandemic has become so big you’ve probably felt like you can’t always carry it.

But you can.

I can.

And the kids certainly can.

So that’s why I keep going. Because how can I tell my kids that I can’t handle this when you’re handling it tenfold (24-fold, to be exact)?

How can I tell my 8-year-old I don’t have the energy to homeschool when you have the energy not only to corral a roomful of Zoomed pre-tweens into silence—but also to ride your bike past the home of EVERY SINGLE CHILD in the class just so you could give them a smile in person? (Seriously, thank you for that.)

How can I tell my 5-year-old I can’t give any more of myself when her preschool teacher just opened up her own back yard for scheduled, unlimited solo visits to her trampoline?

You, teachers, amaze me.

And while you may not be getting the hand-painted “Thank you” signs or live-streamed TV specials that are being given to the pandemic’s “front line” workers, you are just as valuable.

And so I want to take this opportunity to tell you:

You are our anchor.

You give us a routine when everything else is so enormously outside that routine.

You make things feel normal when everything else is so far from normal.

You keep us going.

Thank you, teachers, for everything you do. We love you.

In honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, join us in putting “Thank You Teachers!” signs in your window this week. 

Melissa Heckscher is a writer and mother of three living in Los Angeles. She is a former staff writer for the Los Angeles Newspaper Group and the author of several books, including,The Pregnancy Test: 150 Important, Embarrassing, and Slightly Neurotic Questions (Quirk Books, 2011). 

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The Importance of Practicing Gratitude & Appreciation

By Dana Sheridan

We must continue to force ourselves to look at the bright side especially during these hard times of COVID-19. It is often easier to hyperfocus on the negative aspects since we are continuously flooded with “Debbie Downer” news stories. Before we know it, our anxiety and fear are heightened and then we have a hard time coming out of it on the other side. 

Tell yourself “ENOUGH!” Let’s practice letting in the light! A simple reminder of the good things we currently have going on in our lives is essential for positive mental health. This month, the students at my school are focusing on the character trait of “caring.” This trait encompasses many areas including gratitude for yourself and for others. Across the nation, we are also showing our appreciation for teachers since Teacher Appreciation Week falls during this month. And a bonus? The art of practicing internal peace and satisfaction releases endorphins that make us feel good about ourselves.

Phase One: Self-Reflection

Remember: you can’t help others unless you help yourself first. The act of practicing mindfulness can ease feelings of fear and loneliness, lower anxiety and impulsivity, and recharge your brain leading to better mental and physical health. When you are at ease with yourself and your thoughts, others will follow in the same demeanor. 

Here are some tips:

  • Carve out a chunk of time in your daily schedule.

  • Locate a physical area in your home that best allows you solitude.

  • Focus on your breathing.

  • Allow only 2 to 3 minutes to reflect on any negative thoughts.

  • Move into positive thoughts. Stay in the here-and-now. 

  • Express gratitude to yourself (positive affirmation statements).

  • Set a goal for how you will spread positive thoughts to others.

Phase Two: Pay-It-Forward

Once you have centered yourself, you can then move into the next phase of spreading the wealth. Positivity breeds positivity!

Think about what impact you can make on others and what areas you want to focus on dependent upon need. People often appreciate the smaller more thoughtful gestures, so don’t think you have to go big or go home! Just a simple smile while crossing paths with another person at the park can go a long way and change someone’s entire day. This week I am having my students write three kind notes to neighbors to leave in their mailboxes. It’s challenging not to feel recognized and appreciated when someone goes out of their way to do something nice for you.

If you don’t want to leave the house, there are many great ideas regarding virtual acts of kindness. You can even adopt a grandparent online and schedule daily or weekly chats with that individual. My heart is smiling right now just thinking about it! You can FaceTime with family members you haven’t been able to travel to see in a long time even before COVID-19. You can reconnect with friends and reminisce on past funny stories. There is no limit to the amount of creativity you can find to brighten someone else’s day. 

The more you open up your heart to yourself and others, the more light you let in and out to shine! Step back and show gratitude for all the awesome things going on in your life and all across the world! Your mental health depends on it!

 

Before joining Village, Dana worked in public education for fourteen years as a Special Education Counselor, Autism Coordinator, Special Education Supervisor, and Assistant Director of Special Programs. Throughout her educational career, Dana assists students, parents, and staff with the social/emotional component of learning. She enjoys spending time with family, traveling, and shopping.

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We Must Help Our Girls Take Off Their Masks

By Lindsay Sealey

Superheroes have made a real comeback these last few years and I am especially pleased to see the burgeoning popularity of girl power and empowerment with heroines such as Bat Girl, Super Girl and Super woman. Girls need strong and positive role models and it’s great there are so many out there that rely on both physical strength and confidence.

I know how much some girls like to dress up as their favorite superheroes and this can often include wearing a mask. In this sense, a mask hides her true identity and allows her to be someone that is both unrecognizable and unknown.

Yet in my work with girls, I have also noticed a growing trend for girls to wear different kinds of masks: the metaphorical mask that she “wears” to hide her true feelings and her authentic self from others when she feels afraid, attacked, insecure and uncertain of herself. The masks can provide the emotional armor they want and the protection they feel they need.

These masks make sense to me as they proffer girls both safety and security when they feel too vulnerable to show their deepest thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, masks will serve her well, especially, when she meets new people who have not yet earned her trust. However, I can’t help but wonder if these masks are preventing girls from really connecting to others and experiencing true connection and belonging. Being a preteen girl can be difficult, scary, unpredictable, and, at times, overwhelmingly challenging and yet girls’ masks are causing separation and loneliness when they need security and inner strength the most.

The four most common “masks” I notice with girls include: the mean girl mask, the popular mask, the know-it-all mask and the perfectionist mask. With a better understanding of each mask and what she is really hiding, we can help her take steps to unveil herself and become more relatable, approachable and human.

The Mean Girl Mask

This mask is hiding a deep insecurity. Girls wearing this mask are often afraid of having no friends and no power. So, they use their mask to gain power and dominance over other girls by being cruel and unkind to ensure that they will never be alone.

To help her unveil her mean girl mask, suggest connecting with other girls in positive ways, so it’s less about control and more about care and cooperation. Encourage her to take small steps towards healthy friendships by asking questions, finding common interests, and inviting girls to be included in games and activities. Once the mean girl mask is unveiled, she can learn feel empowered by a new kind of “power” and to be an influential leader.

The Popular Mask

Similar to the mean girl mask, this mask is hiding the fear of loneliness and not being liked. However, girls who wear the popular mask are also overly concerned with social status and what peers think of them. They worry about not belonging, so they become preoccupied with fitting in.

Instead of focusing on being better than other girls and attaining superior social status, speak with her about firstly, accepting herself—the good and the not-so-good parts of her and secondly, accepting and respecting differences in others. When she can see other girls as different and interesting, she can learn that she shares more with other girls than she may realize. Then, she can focus on real friendships and togetherness, not division and separation. Once this mask is unveiled, she can become a loyal friend and much less concerned with her ranking.

The Know-It-All Mask 

The girl who wears this mask knows something about everything and isn’t afraid to share what she knows. She is smart but holds deep feelings of not being smart enough, especially by comparison to other girls. So, she works really hard to impress others with facts, figures, and factoids. She yearns to impress and prove just how much she knows.

Teach girls who want to prove they know it all that—well, they don’t—and truly, nobody does, either! Shift from a focus on what she knows to a focus on what she can learn from others—by listening and asking questions and understanding that everyone has something to offer her—a unique perspective or a different story. Also, explain that it’s okay not to know and this is an opportunity to discover what else she can learn. Not knowing is every bit important in the learning process as knowing. Once this mask is unveiled, girls feel the freedom to embrace learning in every way.

The Perfectionist Mask

This mask hides not feeling “enough,” whether it’s smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough or good enough. She is hiding her fears and worries about her own self-worth and so she works really hard to show how polished and perfect she is so that nobody ever knows the truth—she doesn’t feel very worthy at all.

This mask can be unveiled by teaching that there is no such thing as perfect and it is neither a healthy, nor realistic goal. She can keep trying and striving for excellence but the goal is process and practice by taking baby steps along the way instead of trying to be perfect. Encourage her to take risks and fail but to fail forward—meaning, learning from mistakes, and being kind to herself as she continues growing. Once this mask is unveiled, she can become more empathetic and compassionate with herself and others as well.

We need to notice girls’ masks and explain that although we understand their choose to hide and empathize with how scary it can feel to become more known and vulnerable to others, it is also important to consider unveiling her masks to allow her authentic, superhero self to shine through.

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy. 

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We All Need This Pandemic Pick-Me-Up Poem Right Now

By Dr Bethany Cook

At the start of the year, no one suspected

That a virus, COVID-19, would be detected.

This virus has spread faster than anyone might have guessed.

Leaving families in the lurch, unprepared and hard-pressed.

Many are struggling to pay bills and find food.

Juggling/losing jobs, homeschool/parenting; in general, feeling screwed.

How could this happen? Who dropped the baton?

Yet playing the “blame game” won’t help us move on…

Toward solving the issues presented before us,

I have a few thoughts that I’d like to discuss.

Possible ways to mentally manage and cope

With the unknown, the future, and yes, offer hope.

1. When you start feeling mad, count to 10 and breathe deep

Increased oxygen levels decrease stress/ improve sleep.

Speaking of sleep, make sure you get lots,

This will help you remain in control of your thoughts.

2. During times when you question your value and self-worth

Reverse that thought from doubt to rebirth.

You’re growing and stretching in unusual places

This doesn’t mean you’re losing, but rather covering your bases.

3. Embrace the “unknowns” the “WTF’s” and “isolation”

Reframe this time as a “social vacation”.

Make time for your family, hold them close, cuddle much.

Research has shown decreased loneliness with a healthy touch.

4. Increases in frustration, depression, and anxiety

WIll be seen in yourself, your family and society.

These responses are normal during times of confusion

Cut yourself slack and don’t jump to conclusions.

5. Living with ambiguity makes planning seem fruitless.

Life feels unmanageable with all the sudden “newness.”

Slow down your thoughts, one step first, then another,

Look for new paths and new ways to discover.

6. With spouses and children, possibly pets at every turn

The space where you live may cause you heartburn.

Take a few Tums, a 5-minute break.

Do something for you, hell, bake a huge cake!

7. Music is something you can use to spark joy

So dance when negative thoughts start to destroy.

When you listen to music your entire brain is engaged.

So your feelings of happiness will overpower the rage.

8. Whether you like structure or prefer to “hang loose”

Having some sort of “guideline” can help to diffuse

Potential fights around “screen time”, expectations and chores

Offering choices empowers others “you wanna wash the clothes or the floors?”

9. It’s become clear that the longer “quarantine” remains

More and more people will start feeling “chained”.

The restlessness will result in many disobeying

Leaving their homes to socialize with others left praying.

10.  For the sake of your countrymen, your family, the lot

Please follow the doc’s orders, we’re all that we’ve got.

I know distance blows, it’s disturbing and tense.

Never fear, someday soon, we’ll hear “let the huggin’ commence.”

Not everyone has a say in how they “will serve”

Whether sitting at home or rushing orders to curbs.

Some are deemed “essential” and we wish you good luck.

Hopefully soon this will all get unstuck.

When it’s all said and done, and restrictions are lifted

Let’s remember this time as a gift that shape-shifted.

A pleasant surprise at the core of the storm.

Like a large, plush soft blanket all cozy and warm.

We have a choice every day when we wake

To embrace the new challenges head-on and remake

A life that more resembles our hearts and our minds

One kinder toward animals, the earth, humankind.

I’ll leave you with these final words of advice

Hold your partner, kiss your kid(s), nothing less will suffice.

For tomorrow brings challenges, for now the unknown.

So today embrace “the moment” before the time’s flown.

 

 

I am a 42-year-old biological mother of two young children in a same-sex relationship, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in neuropsychological assessment, a music therapist, a trainer of therapy dogs and ex-communicated Mormon from Indiana with a wicked sense of humor. 

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Lessons in Surviving the Oilfield Wife Life

By Nicole Roberts

Photo: via Canva

There was no room for tears on the first day, those would come in the weeks to follow. 

Today was suck it up day. 

Today was focus on breathing under the crushing weight of uncertainty and fear day. 

Today was be strong for the kid’s day. 

I watched the tail lights until they disappeared around the corner and forced myself to choose gratitude over resentment, even though I didn’t want to.

He was leaving me again—not for good, just “for now”.

This wasn’t new for us. 

In fact, we did it every single month, over and over for 2 years. We weren’t victims, we had made these choices together, but it was still really, really hard.

We finally made the choice to move our family to the place my husband was working so we could “do life together”. 

We didn’t know it, but we would be exchanging one kind of challenge for another. He still worked 100+ hours a week. Sometimes he would come home to eat, shower and sleep for a few hours. Other times he would stay in a man camp and we would still have to go weeks without seeing him. 

That lasted 4 more years.

I could have fallen into a rut of depression. 

I could have binge-watched more Netflix than any one person should.

I could have let the dishes pile up next to empty wine bottles and Reese’s wrappers.

I could have cried myself to sleep each night while reassuring a suckling baby and a snuggling toddler that they were safe and loved, shielding them from the loneliness I was drowning in.

I could have let the kids run wild through minefields of toys and crumbs,living off of applesauce pouches and granola bars.

I could have become a helicopter mom, a desperate attempt to combat the lack of control I felt.

I could have distanced myself from my husband because it was easier than aching for him.

I could have felt sorry for myself and let blame and self-deprecation run the show.

I could have.

And the truth is, all of those things were intertwined throughout my years of living the oilfield wife life. A life I don’t wish on anyone, but have grown to cherish nonetheless for how it nurtured a spider silk strength in me—flexible and resilient, nearly invisible until the light hits it.

As I fought to find the meaning in my cyclical survival, I learned how to weave delicate and intricate webs that became my life—an unexpected magnum opus.

There are many, but these are three of the accidental lessons that pulled me through and allowed me to grow from a young mother that life was happening to, to a resilient woman who happened to life:

1. Find Your Tribe

After we moved, it didn’t take long to realize I desperately needed a tribe. People to do life with. People who were in the same boat as me, who knew what it was like to be in my shoes. People who needed me too. I forced myself to be brave. I went to park parties and play dates, I signed up for clubs, I met people from Facebook groups, I hosted craft days.

Eventually, in a place I didn’t even know existed years previous, I had a “framily”, a melting pot of people from around the country that I fell in love with individually and collectively. We did birthdays and holidays together. We did paint nights and lake days and coffee mornings. 

We walked with each other through sicknesses, having babies, starting businesses, and long, cold winters. 

We made each other laugh, we let each other cry and we kept each other in the boat when one of us wanted to slip over the edge and sink into the deep, dark depths of life.  

2. Find Your Passion

I knew that if I didn’t throw myself into productive and creative endeavors, I would quite possibly trip into a puddle of life-wasting, destructive behavior.  When I had a project to focus on, it felt like stepping into a bullet-proof bubble that shielded me from all the worries that accompanied our lifestyle.  

Loneliness has a beautiful way of showing you yourself since no one else is blocking the way.  

On those quiet Friday nights, when it felt like the rest of the world was kissing and cuddling and feeling seen, I would get lost in a painting or get found in a book. I would let ideas take me anywhere they wanted. I lived a thousand different stories, met a hundred different versions of myself, without ever leaving home.  

I cultivated my passions and they became not just a safe haven through the storms of life, but a path to guide my feet to my purpose.

3. Find Your Voice

It felt like the only people I talked to were little humans who didn’t hear me. The conversations with the one I loved were pigeonholed into five-minute increments, not looking into each other’s eyes, but peering into our phone screens, hoping to catch a glimpse of our other halves world. Cut too short, not enough shared, not enough time. 

It often felt like my voice didn’t matter. So much bubbling inside of me with no place to go, the buildup increasingly painful.

I learned that sometimes feeling silenced in the best way to realize the value and power in having a voice. I learned that the less I said, the more I listened to the whispers of the world around me. I thought about things harder and longer, and when I did speak or write, my words were more concise, potent and powerful. 

I learned that having a voice isn’t about saying everything, it’s about saying the things that matter most and trusting that they will find eager ears and open hearts.

 

If you find yourself living the oilfield wife life,

or so many like it, know that you are part of a spider-silk sisterhood. 

Just because it’s hard to see doesn’t mean it isn’t hiding in the shadows. Your circumstances are an invitation to find your tribe, find your passion and find your voice. 

If you accept, a new kind of freedom will find you.

This post originally appeared on Midland Moms Blog.

Nicole is an artist, children's book author, and a free-spirited creator gracefully raising three wild offspring while chasing her bearded husband on his oilfield adventure in Midland, TX. Nicole paints pictures with words and tells stories with art that encourge people to reclaim their maker identity and live a life of colorful authenticity. 

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Sometimes, Being a Mom Can Be So Lonely—But Here’s What I Do to Cope

By Vlasta Hillger

Motherhood is a lifelong journey and a continually evolving process. As a mom of two teen boys, sometimes I think back to the beginning of my mothering journey: The anticipation and nesting, the excitement of bringing a brand-new human into our home, the years when I was blurry-eyed for lack of sleep, the times when I wished for just five minutes of peace and quiet to myself without another human attached to me, playdates, pre-school, elementary and middle school…

Even as long as some those early days felt, they did in fact fly by. One day, it seems, I blinked and watched my son get in a car and drive his brother to school.

There are innumerable joys and challenges at every stage of motherhood. But there’s one challenge we don’t often discuss—and that’s the loneliness and isolation which moms feel to some degree throughout motherhood.

Reflecting on the various phases of my children’s lives, I’ve come to realize that for me, what has kept that loneliness and isolation at bay, are the connections I’ve made with other moms.

I remember being a new mom and how getting out of the house and meeting a friend for lunch was a major event—an appointment that could easily be derailed by nap time or a cranky, teething baby. Many well laid plans got cancelled in those days.

But what kept me from feeling completely isolated during those first sleep-deprived years were the moms I met at mommy groups, neighbors, park friends and pre-school moms. If I didn’t have an activity on the calendar, sometimes I felt like I was spending the day waiting for my husband to come home and wondering if I’d made the right decision to be a stay-at-home mom (fully realizing how fortunate I was to even have that option).

I met women I am still friends with today at one of those mom groups. All those women were my first mom tribe and we all needed each other! Getting out of the house at least once a day became my sanity saving mantra (showered or un-showered!).

In elementary school, PTA and volunteer opportunities helped me forge friendships with other moms, but it was the after-school playground time that was best. As our kids burned off pent up energy running around, we moms got to catch up, share stories, connect and make plans. These precious minutes with other moms always gave me the little bit of extra energy I needed to make it through the rest of the day’s routine. I was part of a tight tribe and since we were mostly dealing with the same issues, we had each other’s support.

When our children left elementary school and entered middle school, we lost that after school playground time spent connecting with each other. In middle school many children also began to specialize in their sports teams and extra-curricular activities leaving little time for playdates or hanging out after school.

During this phase my time to connect with other women shifted from after school to earlier in the day—but I had to make a concerted effort to make plans! Many moms went back to work and some of that isolation and loneliness resurfaced. If there was a kid issue in our house, I no longer had the built-in playground time to talk to friends about it. There are no official mommy groups for moms of middle and high school aged kids and yet parenting becomes so much complex during this age!

I continued to connect with friends one-on-one, whether going to the gym or on walks together. But I really found the connection I needed when I attended a Happy Parent Happy Teen workshop put on by a parenting coach in Kirkland, Washington. Here were all these other moms who also have teenagers who sulk, roll their eyes and who walk straight through the house and close themselves in their bedrooms. We were all sharing slightly different versions of the same experiences we’re having while raising teenagers!

I loved feeling part of a tribe again. A tribe of moms whose kids have one foot out the door (some already had kids in college), all of whom craved to hear how other moms were coping.

The high school years are yet another brand-new phase of motherhood. In high school we rarely know the parents of our kids’ friends. Other parents are less likely to show up and be chatty at our kids’ sports games. Kids are driving and, in some ways, need us less than before. But in other respects, this phase of motherhood has been the most challenging yet and the roadmap is even vaguer than before.

I’ve attended a few of these workshops now and I will continue to do so. I need those connections with other women. I need my mom tribe more than ever. This new tribe of moms is different in that we don’t all live in the same neighborhood, our kids don’t all go to the same schools or play on the same sports teams.

Among the group, there are a broader set of experiences and challenges. The big thing we do have in common is the recognition that together we are stronger and that cultivating these connections with one another helps us be better moms and helps us be happier individuals.

In late April I’ll be attending a women’s retreat in Bellevue called Luscious Mother. I am looking forward to the connections I will forge and the insights I will gain. I am looking forward to learning from the coaches and the other women. It’s the best way to care for my self as a mother and as a woman.

I am a professional home organizer at Simplify Experts, a blogger, and a mom of two boys ages 11 and 13. I blog about home organizing for busy families, especially those impacted by ADHD.

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