ML Interest Tag: negativity

How I Positively Changed the Relationship with My Kids

By Abbey Fatica

Most days we are going through the motions, trying to get from point A to point B. We are thinking about what we have to do during the day or stewing about past events. The day rushes along as we hurry to school, work, activities, even running errands.

What happens when we get in to this busy, chaotic, fast-paced way of life? People begin to irritate us, we get annoyed faster, and our anger is at an all-time high. It’s not only the strangers we interact with in traffic jams or stores, it’s the people closest to us that get the really lashing out.

It all seems to stem from the mentality of “it’s my way or the highway.” When things aren’t acting out according to your plan, your loved ones pick up on that negative vibe and throw it right back at you.

Love and Gratitude Really Works.

Lately, I’ve been working on finding things I love about the people in my life, really feeling gratitude for everything and not letting the little things irritate me.

What I realized is that I was irritated a lot. I would always think of myself as a happy, go-lucky person, but man, those negative thoughts had their way of creeping in. What I used to think of as annoying still might come at me the same way initially, but then I remember to flip it to love. My eye rolls could compete with that of a teenager.

Once I paused to let go of the negativity I was projecting in my life and started focusing on everything I loved, it became easier to relax around my children. I no longer get irritated when they interrupt me while I am working because I know in their head they have something important to tell me. They want to share their revelation with me. Their enthusiasm for everything is one of the many things I love about them.

Let the Inner Control Freak Go.

I was (am/recovering) a control freak and got irritated, disappointed, and angry when things didn’t go as planned. I like to be punctual and when people are moving like sloths in my house, my anxiety rises. Schedules are my jam: bedtime, mealtime, getting to school on time, you name it I love to stick to it.

This is no way to live and it puts me on edge around my kids. You know the phrase, “Don’t cry over spilled milk?” Well, usually I scream and yell over a drop of water on the ground.

I let these little irritations get to me and then become frustrated with the people I love. Sure, people are going to do things differently than I would but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are doing it wrong.

The thing that really gets me is that I’m letting my emotions get the best of me. This isn’t the true me. It’s the one looking at the worst possible situation and worrying about what is going to happen. The real me is the happy, easy-going, loveable, grateful one who is trying her hardest to shine through a feeling of lack.

This Doesn’t Mean I’m A Pushover.

Relaxing a bit, focusing on what I love about the person in a moment of frustration, and living in a constant state of gratitude has helped me flip the switch. But this doesn’t mean I’ve let my kids off the hook.

They still have to have manners when asking for things. They have to clean up after themselves and will never walk all over me.

What I have seen in even a couple days of focusing on the good is that they react differently in situations. They have begun feeding off my positive energy and aren’t being snarky back to me. I even caught my youngest being helpful without having to ask him.

All people, even kids, pick up on your energy, good or bad and will throw it back at you with the same intensity. So if I want my kids to do something willingly then I need to come at them with appreciation and kindness, instead of demanding them to fulfill my request immediately.

This all sounds good in theory but what does this look like in real-time?

What Parenting With Intention Means to Me:

1. Less irritation among all members of my family
2. Less fighting with my kids
3. Letting go of controlling each situation
4. Really paying attention to my kids when they speak
5. Single-tasking, i.e. slowing down
6. Complete awareness that each child needs me to parent differently
7. Independent children want to do more when there is less nagging
8. Appreciating good deeds and acts of kindness
9. More hugs, kisses, and cuddles reminding myself of what I love about them
10. Mutual respect
11. Teachable moments in a calm manner
12. Spending more time together
13. Not forcing my methods on anyone
14. Embracing their individuality
15. Remembering to be mindful of the way I make requests. They are not demands.
16. Being in the present moment instead of worrying about future/past events
17. BREATHE before reacting (Is what happening right now the worst thing ever? No mess is worth the anger.)
18. Stay positive, think positive, feel positive. Love and gratitude towards everyone and everything will trump all negativity.

This post originally appeared on Medium.

Abbey Fatica was born and raised a Buckeye. She, her husband, four kids and their dog live near Columbus, Ohio. Her interest for writing started after she had kids when becoming a mother provided a lot of material she needed to extract out of her head.

 

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Dealing with All the Whining and Complaining

By Tyler Jacobson

Photo: Shutterstock

Chronic complainers, whether kids or adults are no fun to be around. They drain your energy and sap your strength. It can be especially hard for parents to listen to their kids complain, whine and nag all day. But why do they do it?

Some kids complain mostly because they want something different from what they are getting or they’re uncomfortable about a situation and don’t know how to effectively communicate their needs. Others simply do it because it’s a way to establish contact or get a reaction from you.

Older kids like tweens and teens often complain because it’s uncool to seem enthusiastic about anything. As they progress to adulthood, teens constantly look for ways to assert their independence and to them, complaining or being contrary is their way of doing that.

Either way, as parents, we can all agree that listening to our kids complaining gets old real fast. So what can you do about it?

Consider why it gets you so worked up.

Knowing why your kid’s complaining pushes your buttons can allow you to find calm ways of dealing with it. Does their complaining trigger your anxiety? Do you feel responsible for your child’s happiness? Whatever it is, figuring it out is the first step.

Be a good role model.

Kids emulate us, so if you’re a chronic whiner and complainer, don’t be surprised if your kids take after you. If you constantly catch yourself complaining or regretting things you say in the heat of the moment, perhaps it’s time to change your habits.

Reflect, don’t react.

Try not to get pulled in by your kid’s negativity. Practice active listening and validating their feelings but don’t feed their mood. While it can be hard to hear your children whine, sometimes they just need to vent, and being overly critical of this can only make them dig in.

Encourage problem-solving.

Sometimes our kids can resort to complaining if they feel overwhelmed. Going on and on about their fears and worries might be their way of seeking control in various situations. If you notice this is the case, equip your child with problem-solving skills. 

The next time they come to you with their complaints, try asking them, “What can you do about it?” This turns them from focusing on the problem to looking for possible solutions.

Put a time limit on complaining.

Another great idea is to establish a complaint time in your household. This could be 10 minutes after dinner, or any other appropriate time, where your kids are free to complain about everything that’s bothering them. Ensure you limit it to that particular time then encourage them to find something to be grateful about.

Dealing with kids who complain all the time isn’t easy. However, finding the root cause of their complaints and encouraging them to solve their own problems can work wonders.

Tyler Jacobson is a happy husband, father of three, writer and outreach specialist with experience with organizations that help troubled teens and parents. His areas of focus include: parenting, social media, addiction, mental illness, and issues facing teenagers today.

 
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How to Rock Being a Sports Mom Like the Boss You Already Are

By Susan Blakely

I love sports. Soccer, basketball, track. I love it all. I just have one major hangup: try-outs. As the mom of four athletes, I’ve experienced the highs and lows associated with them. I’ve sat on both sides of varsity success and JV hell from middle school through college. Here are a few things I’ve learned in my parenting journey as a sports mom.

Listen—don’t lecture.

Your child does not need to hear your very insightful tips on making the team. She’s practiced, she’s put in the time, now let her do her thing. Remember, your child feeds off your anxiety so tamp it down—waaaay down.

Show your support.

What does that look like? First, validate what your child is feeling. If he didn’t make the team he wanted to, acknowledge the disappointment. It doesn’t feel good, so say so. Now focus on what he can control: attitude, effort and developing skills.

If she makes the dream team, party it up (for a minute). Your child now has to earn her playing time so keep expectations in check. It’s a rare freshman, for example, who carries a team on her ridiculously talented shoulders and is selected to First Team All Universe on her first outing. Just saying.

Don’t trash talk.

Nothing puts toxic waste in your kiddo’s veins faster than your angry words about the coach, the other players, blah blah blah. Your child needs healthy coping mechanisms and any negativity on your part will kill that opportunity. Don’t be the snark shark.

Stay busy.

Nothing amps your anxiety worse than sitting around, waiting for news, wringing your hands. To manage my own discomfort, I paint. Everyone knows when try-outs roll around because I have a new color in the entry way, the kitchen, the bathroom. And for the love of all that is holy, do NOT go to try-outs and coach your kid from the sideline. I’ve seen that. It’s not pretty.

Cheer them on!

The best advice I ever got was to say only positive things during the game. Go, Tigers! Nice shot, #3. Cheer your kid and every kid on the team. Never talk poorly about someone else’s child. I remember one dad who would outwardly groan when my child was subbed in. Ouch.

Practice patience.

Kids all develop at their own pace. Some superstar fourth graders go on to greatness in high school but some flame out early. The kids who rise to the top may surprise you. Late bloomers may not boast genetic giftedness, but I guarantee, they understand hard work, selflessness and dedication. Qualities that work in life beyond sports, yes?

Always do this after every game.

One final thought: after the game, please don’t pick it a part. Don’t dwell on the ref, the substitutions, the playing time. Simply say, “I love watching you”—even if he was only on the court for 10 minutes. Pick one thing he did well and point it out. “Hey, didn’t you PR?” despite his last place finish. Or, “I loved how you defended against that really fast, really strong forward. Wow! She was a handful.”

Then, turn the radio to her favorite station and shut up. You might be surprised what gems your well supported athlete will share.

I live in Spokane, Washington with my sweet husband of over 30 years, my caboose baby (now 16) and two relentless border collies. I'm a mom of four,  sports freak, interior designer, writer and believer that there's enough Goodness to go around.

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The First All-Female Spacewalk Won’t Be All-Female Anymore—But Here’s Why That’s Okay

by Shahrzad Warkentin

What would have been an historic moment for women with NASA’s first all-female spacewalk has turned into just another spacewalk—with both men and women involved—all thanks to a spacesuit that doesn’t fit. But it’s not all bad news, as you’ll see.

NASA has just announced the history-making all-female spacewalk originally scheduled to take place later this week has been canceled. Instead of astronauts Christina Koch and Anne McClain, the two-person team will now consist of Koch and male astronaut, Nick Hague. The reason for the last minute change? There is only one spacesuit aboard the International Space Station in a size medium. Yes, you read that right.

https://twitter.com/DaveMosher/status/1110293059131109378

Forget Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, in the saga of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Space Suit only one of the women can make the walk because there are no other spacesuits on board the International Space Station to fit them. No great change comes about without some growing pains and as more women head to space, clearly NASA needs to update its wardrobe to accommodate astronauts of all sizes.

While it seems like there’s nothing positive to this story, the truth is the call to nix the all-female spacewalk was ultimately up to the astronaut—and that’s a good thing. McClain decided she was not comfortable wearing the spacesuit for which she had initially been fitted—and there just wasn’t another suit available in the best size for her body. “

McClain learned during her first spacewalk that a medium-size hard upper torso—essentially the shirt of the spacesuit — fits her best. Because only one medium-size torso can be made ready by Friday, Mar. 29, Koch will wear it,” NASA said in a statement.

We have to remember: the mission to get more women into space and into roles that have been traditionally male-dominated isn’t necessarily a sprint, but more of a marathon. According to a recent report on diversity in space exploration, women made up only 8 percent of active astronauts in the 1970s. That number has increased steadily over the decades, with females now making up 32 percent of all astronauts in the world.

So yes, we will see that historic all-female spacewalk—just not this week. Hopefully as our kids grow up, all-women space teams won’t be big headlines either—because they’ll simply be the norm.

In the meantime, we applaud McClain for trusting her gut and refusing to do something that doesn’t feel right for her body and safety—and that’s a lesson all women and girls can take away.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

Featured photo: WikiImages via Pixabay

 

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11 Positive Parenting Tactics to Try First—Before You Lose Your Cool

By Reena B. Patel

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, by the time children have reached the fifth grade, around 80 percent of them have been physically punished. They also report that physical punishment, which includes spanking and hitting, has been shown to be ineffective and lead to more aggressive behavior. The AAP recommends parents use more effective parenting practices, which is something that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) refers to as “positive parenting.”

“Positive parenting focuses on teaching children what type of behavior is acceptable through means that are more effective and positive,” explains Reena B. Patel, a parenting expert, licensed educational psychologist and author. “When we focus on positive parenting techniques, we get the desired behavior we want and we help to create children who are mentally healthier and better adjusted.”

Parenting st‌yles, including whether or not parents take a positive or punitive approach to discipline, can have an impact on the child’s development. According to recent research published in the journal International Quarterly of Community Health Education, parenting st‌yles influence whether or not adolescents have poor self-esteem and those who do have poor self-esteem are prone to experiencing many challenges. Their study, which included over 500 pupils, concluded that there is a significant association between parenting st‌yles and an adolescents’ self-esteem.

Positive parenting helps to create children who have a healthy self-esteem, are less aggressive and who tend to have better family bonds. Yet many parents are not sure where to start when it comes to carrying out positive parenting practices. Patel has spent over 20 years working with families to help them adopt supportive and effective positive parenting practices.

Here are 11 positive parenting practices that Patel recommends families adopt:

1. Give your child lots of nurturing physical attention.

Children like hugs, cuddles and holding hands.

2. Children are more likely to misbehave when they are bored.

Provide lots of engaging indoor and outdoor activities for your child such as play dough, coloring, cardboard boxes, dress ups, blanket tents, etc.

3. Set clear limits on your child’s behavior.

Sit down and have a family discussion on the family rules in your home. Let your child know what the consequences will be if they break the rules. Rules should be few, fair, easy to follow, enforceable and positively stated (e.g.,  Stay close to dad in the store. Use a pleasant voice. Wash your hands before meals.

4. If your child misbehaves, stay calm.

Give them clear instruction to stop misbehaving and tell them what you would like them to do instead, e.g., “Stop throwing. Play with the truck on the ground.” Use specific praise with your child if they stop: “Thank you for playing with the truck on the ground.”

5. Have realistic expectations.

All children misbehave at times and it is inevitable that you will have some discipline challenges. Trying to be the perfect parent can set you up for frustration and disappointment.

6. Look after yourself.

It is difficult to be a calm, relaxed parent if you are stressed, feeling anxious or down. Try to find time every week to let yourself unwind or do something that you enjoy. I know as parents it is difficult to do, but give yourself permission to take time for yourself.

7. Children need positive attention.

If they do not receive positive attention from family, they may choose to seek out negative attention. This is because negative attention is still attention and any attention is better than being ignored. Remember to communicate with your child. Love and care are the greatest healers.

8. Punishing a child is not as effective as using praise and rewards.

Rather than focusing on weaknesses, find ways to assist your child in developing to his or her full potential. When encouraged, children will acquire talents to compensate for any deficiencies.

9. Avoid negative emotional reactions, such as anger, sarcasm and ridicule.

If your child has problems with control, negativity will only make him or her feel worse. Use short and mild verbal phrases/acronyms to remind your child to focus, like “LPA” for “let’s pay attention.”

10. Parent by example and model what you expect.

Think of your kids like copy machine who will mimic everything you do. If you make poor choices in behavior, you are giving them permission to act in the same ways. Check in with yourself and don’t lose it in front of the children.

11. Don’t give up on your child, ever!

All of your child’s problems can be worked through with humor, goodwill and perseverance. With proper parental support, even the most troublesome teens can become amazing people.

“When we take compassion and kindness into parenting practices, we are going to have much better outcomes and the whole family is going to be happier and healthier,” added Patel. “If you are not used to using positive parenting practices, it may take a little adjusting, but stick with it and you will see and love the results.”

Reena B. Patel (LEP, BCBA) is a renowned parenting expert, guidance counselor, licensed educational psychologist and board-certified behavior analyst. For more than 20 years, Patel has had the privilege of working with families and children supporting all aspects of education and positive wellness.

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7 Mindful Ways to Welcome in the New Year With Self-Care

By Jennifer Landis

New Year’s resolutions usually start with good intentions and fizzle with bad follow-through. According to US News & World Report, 80 percent of New Year’s resolutions fail by February. And maybe that’s because these are driven by guilt from the holidays. However, if you start out with mindful practices, you can set up your new year for success.

Self-care is a necessity in the midst of busyness. You need time to slow down and tend to your own emotional, mental and physical health. Protect yourself from burnout this season by ringing in another year with self-care. You can start by checking out the following tips.

1. Reflect on your year

The first step in preparing yourself for a new season of well being is understanding your past. Reflect on this past year to consider your weaknesses and strengths. When you know your triggers for stress, you can predict setbacks and change how you react to them.

Reflection can help you find direction for your future. Evaluating your current lifest‌yle and consider what steps you need to take to proceed toward a better life. Monitor your behavior and mindset to develop better self-awareness and achieve goals.

2. Celebrate improvement.

As you take steps to improve your habits and overall lifest‌yle, you should recognize the improvement and congratulate yourself. Celebrate your victories, even if they’re small, because your efforts are pushing you forward. Acknowledging your achievements can give you confidence and strengthen you.

A positive outlook is essential to progress, and 90 percent of happiness relates to your mindset rather than your circumstances. One way to encourage yourself and keep your motivation up is through affirming self-talk. Exchange criticism for compliments and reassurance, and try to build yourself up rather than breaking yourself down.

3. Gather a support team.

Whether you find an accountability partner or surround yourself with loved ones, a support team can make you feel capable of growth. People who keep you on track with your self-care efforts can propel you forward and make the responsibility less daunting. When you share this goal with them, they can appreciate your vulnerability.

Gathering a group of people who bring positivity and non-judgmental help means you should leave behind toxic relationships. Cut out the negative influences on your life that keep you from maintaining your health and stability.

4. Declutter your space.

It doesn’t have to be spring for you to remove distracting objects and messiness from your life. New Year’s is an optimal time to reset your living space. Clear out the belongings you don’t need so you can create a useful and accessible area for yourself.

Cluttered areas hinder your clarity of mind and tire out your brain. But establishing a fresh environment for a new season can push you to maintain your own habits and goals. Clearing out things you have been holding onto can remove negativity from your life, too. You can increase your focus for more success and intentional care in the following year.

5. Prioritize sleep (and other healthy habits).

Setting up your year with a regulated sleep pattern and quality rest can enhance your life. Sleep substantially contributes to your emotional wellbeing, brain functioning and physical health. It should be close to the top of your self-care list because it vastly shifts your mood and performance. If you want to keep your self-care goals going, you need to incorporate designated rest times.

Other healthy habits that you should prioritize in the new year include a balance between work and your personal life, hygiene, consistent exercise and food choices. To choose self-care, you must establish boundaries. Remember that you don’t need to justify your choices and priorities to others, but you have to do what is best for you and your loved ones.

6. Section off future self-care times.

Mark your calendar for future self-care times. You can block off an hour or an evening to spend some time reflecting, evaluating and relaxing periodically — but that means you have to keep allowing yourself alone time. If you have an activity or hobby that you want to do in your alone time, you can section off time in your week to go for a run, take a bubble bath or paint.

It may seem strange to jot down alone time on your calendar, but in the busyness, it’s hard to slow down and recharge. You have to practice intentionality in self-care to make it a habit. Don’t feel guilty spending this time apart from your family or from work. Extend grace to yourself and give yourself permission to maintain your emotional and physical health.

7. Resolve to make yourself a priority—it’s not being selfish!

During the coming year, set yourself up with healthy habits, a fresh setting, an encouraging support group and self-awareness. This New Year’s reflect and celebrate intentionally. Start out the season by bettering your health and mindset through giving yourself guilt-free alone time and grace.

Jennifer Landis is a mom, wife, freelance writer, and blogger. She enjoys long naps on the couch, sneaking spoonfuls of peanut butter when her kid's not looking, and binge watching Doctor Who while her kid's asleep.  She really does like her kid, though, she promises. Find her on Twitter @JenniferELandis.

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Instagram… for Kids? We Have Thoughts

by Shahrzad Warkentin

If your pre-tween is already hounding you to join social media, there is an app that allows you to come to a compromise you can all feel good about. The Kudos app aims to connect kids ages 8 to 13 in a safe and positive way.

From YouTube Kids to Facebook’s Messenger app for kids, social media for the playground set is making waves, but Kudos is adding a twist that is integral to teaching kids how to navigate the digital universe. On its surface, the app is an Instagram-like social network that allows kids to share pictures with friends and join groups based on their interests, like slime making and LEGO. The general idea is that they can make friends and share ideas and inspiring photos based on commonly shared interests.

photo: Kudos

Ultimately though, Kudos is so much more than another social media platform. With 24-hour moderators inspecting every post and comment, anything inappropriate or offensive is immediately removed. Beyond simply moderating negativity, the app has a no-bullying policy. The terms of use require users to “be positive, supportive and kind to others in the Kudos community.” Users should never post pictures that are “hurtful, violent or are racially offensive. A great rule is not to post anything your parents wouldn’t want you to post.”

Anyone breaking these rules will have their posts removed or accounts blocked or deleted. The idea is not only to give kids a safe, harassment-free space but to also encourage the next generation of Facebook and Instagram users to learn how to interact on social media in a positive way.

The Kudos app is free to download for iOs and Android, kids can set up an account, but require their parent’s permission to activate it through a two-step verification process. Parents also have the power to delete friends. Pictures can be shared with friends only or widely to a group.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

Featured Photo: Pexels

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Parents Everywhere are Joining the #ParentsForPeas Movement

by Sara Olsher

In the wake of the 2016 Election, social media feeds far and wide are filled with fear, anger, and general negativity. But the day after the election, social posts started popping up with the hashtag #ParentsforPeas, and the idea is spreading like wildfire.

 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMt2w2SAtoy/

 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMuq8owjDa_/?tagged=parentsforpeas

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMuLl3ZgvGz/?tagged=parentsforpeas

 

 

Give peace (and peas!) a chance. #ParentsforPeas

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMtotW0DlLt/

 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMsbidGheBa/?tagged=parentsforpeas

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