ML Interest Tag: psychologist

How You Can Teach Your Child to Be Thankful This Holiday

By Sally Baird

Thanksgiving is more than eating a big meal, watching football, and gathering with others. Amidst the frenzy of this holiday, it is easy to forget what the holiday is about—being thankful. Here are some ways you can teach your child (and yourself) to be thankful.

Being Thankful Is Good for Us
Thankfulness is about acknowledging the goodness in your life. Research shows that being thankful or grateful is strongly associated with greater happiness, more positive emotions, better health, less worry, and positive relationships.

One important study took three groups of people and gave them each the instruction to write each day for 10 minutes. Group one was to write about things they were grateful for that had occurred during the week. Group two was to write about irritations that displeased them, while group three was told to just write something. At the end of 10 weeks, the first group was measurably more optimistic, exercised more, had fewer physician visits, and felt better overall.

Research on children and thankfulness has similar outcomes. Being a thankful child improves a child’s physical and mental health and gives them a healthier outlook on life. Kids raised to be thankful at Thanksgiving, can learn to be thankful every day of the year.

Ways to Teach Kids to Be Thankful

  • Teach your child to say “Thank you.” Many kids need increased awareness about when others do something for them. For example, “Wasn’t it nice that Grandma sent you a gift?” or “I noticed that your sister let you go first” and “Did you hear your teacher give you a compliment?” Then your child may need to be prompted to say thank you for all the many things that come their way.
  • Write thank you notes often.
  • Have family thankful projects. One idea is to have a thankful jar where everyone can put in a thankful note throughout the week. At family time, notes can be pulled out and shared.
  • Develop thankful rituals. At dinner, your family can take turns saying what they are thankful for that day. Thankful rituals can also occur at bedtime, on the drive to school, on Saturday morning or whatever fits for your family.
  • Your family can perform acts of kindness. Some families volunteer at a soup kitchen or food bank. Others will mow a neighbor’s lawn, make cookies for friends, or call grandparents. Then it is important to notice how it feels to be told “Thank You!”
  • Model being a thankful person yourself.
  • Look for the silver lining. For example, when a soccer game is cancelled, one can be thankful to not stand in the rain, or if one fails a test, at least they had the chance to learn from the test and try again.

This Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to teach your child to be thankful not just on this holiday but throughout the year. We know that being a thankful child and adult leads to better physical and emotional states. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

—Sally Baird, PhD is a retired child psychologist and co-author of the book Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid’s Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. 

This post originally appeared on www.drsallyb.com.

I am a child psychologist who specializes in children's anxiety. I just published a top seller children's book titled Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid's Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. I love sharing ideas about decreasing worry in children, especially now. I also love to hike and bike in beautiful Pacific NW. 

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Is Halloween Scaring Your Kids? Here’s How to Help Them Conquer Their Fear

By Sally Baird

Let’s face it. Halloween is about scaring others and being scared. It is one of the most anticipated holidays of the year, but it can involve blood, gore, scary faces, loud noises, darkness, and going to stranger’s homes. Whoa! How does this fit with trying to keep children’s worry level low? With some understanding and pre-planning, the holiday can actually help children with anxiety. Here are some things to consider plus eight tips to decrease your children’s Halloween worries.

Learn Mastery over Fear

Although Halloween can be a great stressor for children and parents, it can also be the perfect time to address worries in a positive and skill-building way. Psychologists tell us that in order to master anxiety:

  • We must identify our fear
  • Eecide whether the feared event is harmful or not
  • If it is not harmful, then address the fear in a positive way
  • Keep building on the success experience

Here are two examples:

Last year, Zoe became very frightened by the scary costumes, the dark, and the noises at Halloween. This year, her parents went to look at costumes ahead of time to see that even really scary costumes were just fabric and plastic, not monsters. Then they spent time outdoors at night and made loud, scary noises for fun, showing Zoe that the dark and the noises were not harmful. Finally, together they came up with things Zoe could do when she feels afraid; like taking deep breaths, talking with her parents, and telling herself that Halloween scary things are not real. (For more ideas, here’s a book on children and worry for more ideas.)

Also last year, Jonathan became very scared of a giant yard dragon decoration and he wouldn’t even walk down the street where it was. At the time, his parents wisely didn’t force him to go down that street, but later they found a costume similar to the dragon and let him play with it all he wanted. As he took the costume on and off and made-up games with the dragon, he learned that the dragon wasn’t real and he could master the fear.

Tips to Decrease Halloween Worries & Be Safe

There are specific things you can do this Halloween to lower your child’s (and your own) anxiety.

1. Even Dr. Fauci says it’s okay to trick-or-treat this year, but do have your kids wear a mask (not with their costume mask so they can breathe better) and stay outdoors. When you accompany them, bring a flashlight and hand sanitizer.

2. With your kids, take the time to learn where Halloween originated. It is a centuries old fascinating holiday where folks used to carve turnips, not pumpkins. 

3. Help your kids learn the difference between fantasy versus reality. Tell them that the scary costumes and decorations are for fun, with only people in the outfits. There are no real monsters. Go to a Halloween store ahead of time to look at all the costumes. Then practice mastery over fear by saying “These are just pretend and silly costumes. They won’t hurt anyone.” Your kids will quickly get the hang of it.

4. Involve your kids in Halloween’s activities like carving pumpkins and creating a Halloween costume.

5. Create new family traditions for Halloween. You can read books on scary tales of monsters, spiders, or bats that have happy endings. One good book is the Shrinking the Worry Monster, which will address monsters and worry at the same time.

6. If your kids melt down during a trick-or-treat visit; stay calm, reassure your child, and tell the hostess that your child is just learning about Halloween.

7. If you are the hostess at the door, keep germ contamination to a minimum. Wear a mask, you be the one to pass out individually wrapped candy, and do not invite kids indoors.

8. If you or your child really don’t want to go out to folks’ houses this year, that’s okay. Have a Halloween gathering in your house with your family and friends. It’s really about keeping a tradition and being joyful.

Halloween doesn’t have to be a major stressor for a family. In fact, it can be a great learning experience to help children gain skills in mastering fear. So go out, enjoy Halloween, and be sure to have fun!

—Sally Baird, PhD is a retired child psychologist and co-author of Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid’s Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. See her website at www.drsallyb.com. She is available for zoom events for both kids and parents to learn ways to decrease children’s worry.

This post originally appeared on www.drsallyb.com.

I am a child psychologist who specializes in children's anxiety. I just published a top seller children's book titled Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid's Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. I love sharing ideas about decreasing worry in children, especially now. I also love to hike and bike in beautiful Pacific NW. 

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How to Help Your Child Manage Their Anxiety When You Have Anxiety Too

By Kenzie Butera Davis

Understatement of the year: Parenting while struggling with your own mental health is challenging. The truth is, as much as we don’t like to hear it, the ways we manage our own anxiety and stress—positive or negative—can impact our kids. But, before you can help your child, you have to learn to manage your own stress and anxiety in healthy ways.

All of us react poorly at times when we’re overwhelmed or frustrated. We raise our voices at our child when we shouldn’t or we let little things bother us that normally would not. It’s not until our child does the same thing two weeks later that we remember…those small, observant humans are always watching.

Kids observe us as parents because they are seeking information on how to interpret ambiguous situations. So, if you, the parent, seem worried, afraid, or anxious on a frequent or consistent basis, your child may conclude that certain scenarios are dangerous or triggering.

Having anxiety does not make you a bad parent. I cannot iterate this enough. 

Having anxiety as a parent just means that it’s especially important for you to learn stress management techniques and model this for your child. In fact, “A big part of treatment for children with anxiety is actually teaching parents stress tolerance. It’s a simultaneous process—it’s both directing the parent’s anxiety, and then how they also support and scaffold the child’s development of stress tolerance.”—Dr. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist.

As you learn and actively practice managing your own anxiety, you are paving a path for your child who is observing your behavior. From you, they are learning how to address situations of uncertainty or doubt. No pressure, right?

Here are some Child Mind Institute-approved ways we can positively model anxiety management for our kids.

First, explain your anxiety when your child sees it.

Let’s say, you lose your temper on bring-your-kid-to-work day because you’re running late for a meeting and traffic is terrible. Later in the day, when things calm down, it’s a good idea to address that moment with your child.

Do you remember when dad was angry in the car this morning? Well, I was feeling anxious because I was running late for a meeting and the way I managed my anxiety was by yelling at all of the other drivers on the road. But, there are other ways to manage anxiety. I will brainstorm some better ways that I can handle this situation next time so that I don’t let traffic ruin my morning or yours.

Second, talk openly about your anxiety.

This is important because it lets your kids know they have permission to feel stress but also that stress is manageable. You may not want your child to be the eye witness of your every anxious moment, but you also don’t have to hide your emotions.

It’s actually healthy for kids to observe how their parents cope with stress every now and then. When we keep our children from seeing us anxious, stressed, angry or sad 100% of the time, we inadvertently send the message that they do not have permission to feel those emotions and that, when they inevitably feel these emotions, there is no appropriate way to manage them.

Third, make a plan.

Be prepared to manage situations that trigger stress. If you know you have a day full of stressful meetings coming up, plan to step aside and take a few deep breaths in between each meeting. If you know your mother-in-law is staying at your place, plan your reaction when she asks why the house isn’t cleaner.

Fourth, know when to disengage.

If you know that a situation causes you a great deal of stress, figure out how to remove yourself from the situation. For example, if you have separation anxiety from dropping your kids off at soccer practice, try swapping carpool schedules with a parent. If they drop off, you’ll pick up. Of course you eventually want to be able to take your child to practice but, if you are still working through this, it’s okay to carpool. You want to avoid letting your tone or facial expressions lead your kids to believe there is something dangerous about being dropped off at practice.

Take some time for yourself to engage in a stress-relieving activity when you feel a bout of anxiety coming on in the presence of your child (even if it’s just taking a few deep breaths). This is way easier said than done, but can save you hardships in the long run.

And finally, find a support system. Like, actually do it.

Even if you’re a single parent, you really do not have to do it alone. Identify people in your life (text them right now or, if it’s late, tomorrow morning) who will help out when you feel overwhelmed or follow up with encouraging words when you need them. This could be your spouse, a therapist, another PTA parent, an in-person or virtual support group, etc.

You can also find support through social media, blogs, or other online forums. Lots of parents are passionate about mental health and parenting and they write about it publicly.

I leave you with this: You aren’t expected to manage your stress right every time. The cool thing about having a kid is that they force us to grow into the type of people we want to be because we, whether we choose to or not, lead by example. If you’re thinking that stress management is something you need to fix about yourself, reframe that. This is an opportunity to grow personally and to grow with your child.

To learn more about explaining anxiety to your kids, check out maro by BeforeWeBegin.

 

Works cited: Brigit Katz is a staff writer at Tina Brown Media’s Women in the World. Her writing has appeared on NYtimes.com, N. (2020, April 07). How to Avoid Passing Anxiety on to Your Kids.

Kenzie Butera Davis
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

maro helps parents navigate tough growing-up conversations with their kids: mental health, puberty, empathy & diversity.

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News Flash: Being Away from Your Baby Won’t Break Them

By Jen Lumanlan

Attachment.

If you follow popular parenting advice, you’ll know that being attached to your baby is important. If you spend too many hours apart from your baby (umm…daycare?), they might not get attached to you. If you don’t respond every time they cry, you might ‘break’ them. And if your child isn’t attached to you, then Bad Things Happen. They might not be happy as adults. They might not be able to have good relationships with others. They might even become delinquents or criminals—and certainly not responsible members of society who go to the right schools and get a good job.

But I spent weeks reviewing scientific research on attachment, and what I learned was pretty shocking. It turns out that the way popular parenting advice describes attachment actually isn’t based on the scientific research about attachment. It just cherry-picks the parts that sound most like they fit with our ideas about motherhood so we won’t question it.

So let’s dig into the evidence.  But first, let’s do a quick review of what attachment is—because I’m betting it’s not what you think it is.

What is attachment?

Dr. John Bowlby first used the term “attachment” to describe relationships between babies and their mothers, and he actually chose the word because it was easy for parents to get attached to, as it were. Who wouldn’t want something that sounds so much like snuggling and closeness and bonding? But Bowlby was really sloppy in his use of the word—psychologist Dr. Michael Rutter noticed that Bowlby used it in at least four ways: to describe internal mental states as well as relationships.

Another problem was that (now famous) Dr. Bill and his wife Martha Sears had developed some ideas that weren’t based in scientific research but that needed a positive name. They used Attachment Parenting “because it was so well researched and documented.” Attachment Parenting had little in common with Attachment Theory, but because Bowlby had been so loose with his own descriptions, the name stuck.

And it turns out that even the research has a lot of problems.

Separation may lead to bad outcomes (or not)…

One of Bowlby’s very earliest studies looked at 44 children who had been caught stealing, and compared these to 44 children who had problems but hadn’t stolen anything. He noticed that 12 of the thieves had had experiences of early separation from their parents compared with four of the other children, and thought that being separated from their parents led the thieves to have a low sense of empathy and self-worth.

Hearing this might make you want to never leave your child alone again, but much later in his life Bowlby acknowledged two really important issues. First, he didn’t mention that he had mixed up all kinds of separations into this one category: “separations” included everything from sleeping in their own bedroom to being sent to an orphanage, which means it’s almost impossible to draw any real conclusions from this data.

And second, separations weren’t the only traumas these children had experienced. Many of them had also suffered physical and sexual abuse, which wasn’t reported at all in the original paper.

So the foundation for all of the research on separations between parents and children that followed was highly flawed—and nobody knew it at the time. All we knew was that “separations” had strong links to negative outcomes for children—so no wonder parents were afraid.

Using daycare may lead to bad outcomes (or not)…

Bowlby also spent decades talking about the mother as the infant’s primary caregiver – one of his early texts said “little will be said of the father-child relation; his value as the economic and emotional support of the mother will be assumed.” He went on to write that a child will “attach himself especially to one figure,” and since the father was irrelevant, that figure must be the mother.

If we believe that the mother’s relationship with the baby is sacred, then daycare becomes virtually intolerable. Bowlby himself wrote that ““to deprive a small child of his mother’s companionship is as bad as depriving him of vitamins.” I reviewed the effects of daycare on children and the research base does not support Bowlby’s ideas. In fact, if daycare or preschool reduce stress for the mother and/or allow her to return to a job she enjoys, the net benefit of daycare and preschool is likely positive.  Unless your child is in daycare for more than about 70 hours a week—much more than most children—and is spending nights away from home, being in daycare is unlikely to affect their relationship with you.

Very late in his life Bowlby acknowledged that the the attachment system “contributes to the individual’s survival by keeping him or her in touch with one or more caregivers” (note the S on the end of “caregivers”), but this time the damage was done: A mother’s place was in the home with the child.

Parents: Relax!

So what can we learn from all of this? Well, we can remember that Attachment Parenting isn’t the same as Attachment Theory, and only the first one has any scientific research behind it at all. Being separated from your child—even if they are spending a full working week in daycare—is unlikely to lead to your attachment relationship being disrupted. And even if the attachment relationship is disrupted, it doesn’t necessarily lead directly to bad outcomes. The majority of children who don’t have a secure attachment relationship with a parent go on to do quite well in life, and even those who do don’t have an assured outcome. So we can all relax a bit, knowing that we’re doing the best we can with the skills we have, and for the majority of babies, this is probably just right.

RELATED:
What It Means When Your Child Prefers the Other Parent
Why I Hate Modern Motherhood

Jen Lumanlan fills the gaps in her parenting intuition through research, via a Master’s in Psychology (Child Development) and another in Education.  Her podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, provides rigorous yet accessible information on parenting and child development to help parents tame the overwhelm and raise resilient, thriving children.

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Making a New House Feel like Home after Divorce

By Elise Buie, Esq.

For newly divorced moms and dads, moving to a new home can be another stressful layer to an already stressful situation.

Among kids, an unwanted move can result in feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment. Losing the home they know and love comes as a blow as another part of their lives spins out of control.

Here are a few tips to help kids transition to a new home after divorce:

1. Address any emotions your children may have about the move.

Moving homes brings about complex emotions children may not understand, even if they know what divorce is. You may believe acting happy and convincing them nothing is wrong is best. However, this behavior teaches children to avoid emotions and can result in long-term problems. Instead, address the feelings your children may be experiencing head-on. Start a conversation, then listen. Kristin Davin, Psy.D., a therapist from New York City, says, “It’s critical parents provide emotional space for their children to express how they’re doing so they not only feel safe but also understood.”

Having children read age-appropriate books about moving and handling change and calling on a therapist or child psychologist can help.

2. Make moving day as low-stress as possible.

Moving day won’t come without stress. That said, as a parent, you set the tone. “Children take their cues from their parents, so a parent’s ability to manage stress is key,” says Davin. If you’re pessimistic, your children will notice. They may then have trouble adjusting. Davin suggests parents talk with their kids beforehand. “The day doesn’t have to be stress-free. But talking to children before a big move about what would help them feel less stressed is wise. You want children to feel they’re part of the process and recognize you’re all in it together and still a family.”

Other ways to decrease stress on moving day include making sure you and your children are well-rested and well-fed. Also, keep a box of your children’s favorite possessions nearby and all in one place, so they’re readily available for the first night in their new environment.

Consider sending your children to their grandparents’ house or with another relative or friend for moving day and maybe a few days after it. With the kids away from the chaos, you’ll be better able to prepare your home for a peaceful transition.

3. Let your children decorate their room.

Your children should feel like the new house is their home, too. That’s especially true of their bedroom. Denise Allen, a Washington State-based organizational expert and the owner of Simplify Experts, recommends parents give children input in setting up their new space. “Allow them to feel like they have some ownership of the space and that it doesn’t just feel like a guest room.”

By letting kids decorate, it’ll feel like their personal space sooner. They’ll grow attached more quickly because they’ll feel personally invested. They may likewise gain a sense of control over their environment where it might’ve been lacking before. Not to mention, Allen says, “Parents will have more buy-in for the maintenance of the space if kids are proud of it.” Allen suggests parents be mindful of the activities that will take place in that area. Parents should consider whether kids will be studying in their room and if the setup plays well into their learning st‌yle. For example, is the lighting adequate for doing homework?

4. Establish a routine for your children.

Changing homes threatens stability, making it critical for parents to establish a routine as soon as possible for their children, even if it’s a new one. Kids want to know what’s around the bend. “Starting them off with a bit less stress will help them feel good and empowered,” says Davin.

A routine preoccupies children. It prevents them from fixating on unsettling events, keeping them grounded in the present and looking to the future. Dinner is at six o’clock, bedtime at eight. It also puts transitions into bite-sized pieces, which kids can manage. As they see that what you predict happens, they’ll worry less another change will come out of nowhere.

5. Keep the new space orderly.

Related to creating a routine for your family, especially children, is keeping your new space in order. Allen says, “A calm living environment offers a great sense of control and a place for the brain to relax.”

Moving also provides an excellent and often welcome opportunity to purge possessions that have been weighing you down. Children, even younger ones, can benefit from a purge and reorganization of their toys, games, and books. With clutter gone, kids can focus on the items that make them happy. Plus, they have room to put their stamp on the new space, making it their own.

As for moving forward, Allen says maintenance is critical. “Simple organizational systems are key, and the more visual they are, the better.”

6. Give kids time and space to adjust to their new home.

Divorced parents may want their children to immediately accept the new home, seeing it as a sign they’re coming to terms with the divorce. But just as you need to get used to your situation, your kids will, too. Davin says, “Thinking they should adjust in a certain way by a certain time puts pressure on children and can make them feel like something is wrong with them.” Instead, she recommends parents do check-ins and ask their kids what they need and how they’re doing while still giving them time and privacy to figure things out.

But more than anything, Davin says, “Let your kids know you’re around for them whenever they need you. It’s the people who live in a house, not the house itself, that make a home.”

RELATED:
Thinking about Divorce? Here are 10 Things Every Wife Should Know
5 Tips for Moms Dealing with Divorce
You’ve Got This: How to Find Support Before, During & After Divorce

Elise Buie, Esq. is a Seattle-based family and divorce lawyer and founder of ​Elise Buie Family Law Group​. A champion for maintaining civility throughout the divorce process, Elise advocates for her clients and the best interests of their children, helping them move forward with dignity and strength.

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7 Tips for Talking to Kids about LGBTQ

By Reena B. Patel

Children often ask their parents questions that can make them feel uncomfortable and unprepared to answer. And they often come up at times when you least expect it to.

They may hear certain words or terms such as LGBTQ at school or on TV, but not know what it actually means. Social media has been a catalyst for social change, acceptance and inclusivity among preteen and teenage youth. Many children already see that families in our world can look different from their own—whether it’s on television or when they are with you in the community.

As a parenting expert, licensed educational psychologist, board-certified behavior analyst, and author of Winnie & Her Worries, my advice? The best thing you can do is to explain to your kids that families can have different cultural traditions, religions, and values.

As parents, you want to be there to introduce and answer questions since children turn to us for many answers. Remember even at an early age you can teach the value of empathy and respect for others, as well as open the door for any future conversations regarding their own identity. Here are my tips on how to speak with your children about LGBTQ:

1. Start discussions early and be matter of fact. Use the words sometimes and if your child asks why another child wants to wear a dress but he looks like a boy, that is your opening to have the discussion on choice, inclusion and belonging. Remember that society created the theme stereotypes that boys play with cars and girls play with dolls.

2. Don’t be afraid to use words that describe sexual orientation as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, especially if the person you’re talking about uses this to describe themselves.

3. Actively listen to your kids. This will help you make sure you understand what your child is asking and what they already understand about the topic.

4. Be honest with your children. It’s ok to not have an answer. Encourage your child to continue to ask questions. Do keep your responses developmentally appropriate.

5. This is not a one-and-done conversation. Use media and/or life experiences as opportunities to continue and discuss the topic. Especially after they develop further understanding after processing what they learned themselves.

6. Remember to reinforce that although some families may look different, they’re really not that different. They love each other just like we love just like your own family does.

7. Talk about what a sense of belonging means. How to be inclusive and demonstrate kindness. Having these conversations with our children helps create a safer, more inclusive community for everyone.

RELATED:
When Your Fourth Grade Son Is Called “Gay”
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Reena B. Patel (LEP, BCBA) is a renowned parenting expert, guidance counselor, licensed educational psychologist, and board-certified behavior analyst. Patel has had the privilege of working with families and children, supporting all aspects of education and positive wellness; recently nominated for San Diego Magazine’s Woman of the Year

 

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5 Reasons Why You Should Want Your Kids to Lose

By MOJO Inc.

My daughter’s soccer team trudged slowly off the field, sweaty and exhausted. They had been outmatched—and they had lost. Again. You win some, you lose some, as they say. But sometimes you lose a lot, as my daughter’s soccer team did that season. (The losing streak was so bad that at one point a parent on the sidelines said, “Can we please at least tie?”)

Nonetheless, the team returned to the field for practice a few days later. My daughter was happy to be there, slamming the car door shut and racing off to be with her friends. They threw themselves into drills and scrimmages, putting the loss behind them and preparing for the next game. While I hated seeing her team lose, I could also see that she was still thriving.

One of the benefits of youth sports—and the inevitable losses—is that it offers a low-stakes place to face challenges and handle defeat. It prepares them for future hurdles and disappointments, ones that will likely be much greater.

“Learning to cope with loss is important because they’re not always going to win later in life,” says Dr. Kate Lund, a psychologist and the author of Bounce: Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive in School, Sports and Life. “It’s an important skill to develop, to lose with grace, not to blame other people and to take responsibility for the loss.” Losing is never fun, but there are some character-building silver linings.

1. Losing Builds Resilience—Not Just for Sports, but for the Rest of Life
A 2019 study by a team of Brigham Young University professors found that high school students who had participated in youth sports showed higher levels of resilience than students who didn’t participate. The students who had participated in youth sports also showed higher levels of self-regulation, empathy and social competence.

Much of that resilience comes from dealing with losing: Acknowledging the loss, then getting back on the field. “It teaches them to get back up and try again,” Lund says.

2. Losing Teaches Them to Reframe the Story
Similarly, the ability to reframe a situation—examining something that’s happened and seeing it from another perspective—is a skill that helps kids manage disappointment not just in sports, but in all aspects of life.

When my daughter’s soccer team lost, their coach directed them to look for the positive moments in the game. She noted that one player completed a tricky move, another player broke away with the ball and that the goalie pounced on the ball in a particularly close save. It didn’t add up to a win that time, but the players could still savor those small victories.

3. Losing Can Drive Them to Work Harder
It’s a classic movie-montage, inspirational music-filled scene for a reason: Motivated by the sting of a heartbreaking loss, the athlete channels her emotions into her next practice, pushing herself to work harder, and to come back stronger, faster, better. (Cue the Rocky theme song).

4. Losing Offers an Opportunity for Bonding—for the Team & for the Parent & Child
Being part of a team—something bigger than themselves—means that players must handle the loss together. It’s a chance for them to learn to regroup as a team, figure out what worked and what didn’t and find a way to improve together, an experience that can bring them closer, Lund says.

It can also be an opportunity for a child to bond with a parent. In The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, author and educator Jessica Lahey reminds us that youth sports give parents the gift of time with their children. That time includes supporting the child after a defeat. She quotes an Olympic medalist, who says, “The perfect sports parents would be the ones you never hear from the sidelines. They should be there after the game, to be supportive, when heartbreaking things happen…The perfect sports parent is there after the heartbreak to listen and help the kid find the positive in the heartbreak.”

5. Losing Helps Develop Empathy
Having felt the pain of a loss, kids develop a better understanding and connection with the underdog. They know firsthand how it feels to be the loser, and therefore, know how they’d like to be treated.

And when they do win—a few months later, my daughter’s team kicked off the season by coming in second place in a tournament—the victory is so much sweeter.

Ellen Lee is a sports parent and an independent journalist who writes about business, technology, parenting, race, gender… and everything in between.

MOJO is on a mission to make youth sports more fun for everyone — one kid, one coach, one family at a time. 

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11 Phrases to Try When Your Kids Won’t Listen

by Leah R. Singer

If there’s one thing parents learn rather quickly, it’s that the words “kid” and “listen” are not always compatible. It’s easy to become frustrated when you think your little one isn’t paying attention to your words, but remember, sometimes active listening takes a little bit of practice. Here are 11 positive parenting solutions to help you stop yelling at your kiddos and get them listening.

sweetlouise via Pixabay

1. "I don't like it when you do that."

Amy Morin, LCSW, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do, encourages parents to stay as calm as possible when reacting to their kiddos, even if the frustration level is high because they're not listening to you. Instead of getting angry and saying, "You're not listening to me," respond with saying you don't like it when they're not listening, and explain why and how it makes you feel. That also helps kids understand how their behavior affects others.

2. "What do you need to remember?"

Like many adults, kids sometimes tune out when they hear the same phrases, even if they're important ones. So instead of constantly reminding your kiddo, "Don't forget to wash your hands before lunch," try asking them what they need to remember before eating lunch. This will help them to express it back to you and take ownership of that important pre-eating task. Remember, mentally strong kids have parents who do these 13 things. 

DayronV via Pixabay

3. "Do you want to leave now or in 10 minutes?"

Sometimes there's nothing more frustrating than when your little ones refuse to listen when you need to leave the house. Instead of raising your voice so they'll listen, try giving them some control of the situation by enabling them to choose when you leave. Asking if they want to leave now or in 10 minutes means you're leaving, but they get to control when it happens.

4. "Show me."

Sometimes we assume our kids aren't listening because they're not responding in the way we think they should. Lauren Tamm, the author of The Military Wife and Mom, suggests asking your kiddo to show you they understand or demonstrate what they may not be able to articulate verbally.

Olichel via Pixabay

5. "Can you help me with this task over here?"

Do you feel like you're constantly telling your kiddo to stop doing something, and they don't ever listen? Next time that happens, try a new approach. Instead of telling them to stop, divert their attention by asking them to focus on a new task.

6. "Take a breath, and ask me what you want."

Sometimes getting your kiddos to listen when they're in the midst of a tantrum can be an Olympic sport in itself. Instead of continuing to repeat the same things to your kids and them not responding, try changing the dynamic of the situation. Get them to focus on calming themselves by taking a breath, and encourage them to ask you what they want.

LorileeAlanna via Pixabay

7. "You realized you got hurt when you jumped off the chair landed on the ground."

Kids often do things they shouldn't, like jumping off chairs, that could risk them getting injured. And no matter how many times you tell them to stop, they just don't want to listen to your warnings. Dr. Brenna Hicks, a child psychologist, suggests that the next time this happens and they do get hurt, use a phrase such as the one above so it acknowledges they figured out the problem and is also showing some empathy.

8. "Do you need to have a few minutes to yourself?"

When your little one is not listening or throwing a tantrum, saying something like this is a somewhat more positive way of communicating the consequences of not listening. You're also giving them the choice to control their behavior, and therefore, giving them some control over the situation.

Counselling via Pixabay

9. "Your actions tell me you're too tired to play today."

Be sure to take cues from your kiddo's body language to learn why they may not be listening to you. Maybe your child isn't listening because they are tired or hit a mental breaking point for the day, and the only way they can communicate is through not listening to you. Show them you understand by commenting on their actions, not the fact that they're not listening.

10. Say their name, and give a pause.

When a person hears their name, it provokes a different response. So the next time your little one is not listening to your instructions, change the dynamic a bit, and use their name when you speak. Follow their name with a short pause so they have time to respond.

11. "It's okay to cry."

Positive Parenting Coach Wendy Snyder says it's important to validate kids' feelings. They have big emotions but might have the tools to control them quite yet. By letting them express themselves, you're offering support, which leads to a calmer home environment.

—Leah R. Singer

Featured image: iStock 

 

RELATED STORIES:

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do 

3 Tips to End Your Dr. Jekyll & Momma Hyde Parenting

How Positive Parenting Saved My Relationship with My Teenage Daughter

11 Positive Parenting Tactics to Try First—Before You Lose Your Cool

 

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It’s Time to Stop Using This Word

By Kim Mcisaac

Photo: Kim Mcisaac via Autism Adventures with Alyssa

As a parent of a child with special needs, I’m going to zero in the stigma of the derogatory word used to describe people with mental disabilities. This word is also used as slang and to make fun of others, in reference to them being stupid.

I remember very clearly sitting across from the psychologist as he was reading the results from my daughter’s most recent tests. It was her three-year evaluation where they do a full evaluation and everyone sits around the table and talks about her results and gives recommendations.

This is one of many things as a special needs parent, that is difficult to hear and read. Listening to them refer to her level in ages. It’s just tough to hear, so I brace myself and force a smile. After all, this is just a routine IEP.

I, however, was not prepared for what was said next. As the psychologist was rambling about spatial this, decoding that, my mind was wandering. I was thinking about my beautiful 7-year-old girl and I was wondering what she was doing in class. Then my attention got diverted back as he went on to say her scores indicate “mental retardation.”

I was familiar with the term,  of course, but have never heard it in reference to my daughter. I felt sucker-punched. Obviously, I am aware that my daughter is cognitively delayed. She is non-verbal and her receptive language is weak, but developing. At this same meeting, I was told my daughter would never talk or understand spoken word only visuals. I firmly disagreed.

I stared across the table at him biting my lip to keep the tears from flowing. He looked visibly uncomfortable and went on to explain it was just the way the scoring is done. He looked like he almost felt bad saying it.

I had to resist the urge to flip the table over and scream, “Do not talk about my daughter this way. This is not my daughter. She is bright and funny, mischievous, and yes challenging I will admit, but full of potential!” I felt sick. I could see her teacher giving me the slide glance as she thankfully piped in with her recommendations and some positive attributes. I could barely hear her, though. I just needed to get out of there.

I cried all the way home. I honestly don’t know how I safely drove home, it was heart-wrenching.

That word has such a negative stigma to it there was a campaign to permanently change it.

It is now referred to as an intellectual disability.

The problem is, although that word makes me cringe and it has such a negative impact, it is just a word.

Which will be replaced by another word.

The heart of the issue is not simply a word that shouldn’t be used. It is the attitude and overall assumption that special needs people are “less than.” That their lives are not as worthy as typical people.

Ironically, today, I had an experience with a lady who came to look at the daycare that I run. In the midst of the conversation, autism came up, and I told her that I had a daughter with autism. She started to talk about how her friend’s son was “seemingly fine one day and autistic the next.” She said point-blank that he was completely fine then all of a sudden….and then she jerked her head back and began shaking it around, as if she were acting out what it looks like to be autistic. I just stared at her. If I weren’t wearing a mask,  my mouth would if dropped open.

I couldn’t even speak, I was so stunned. I am hardly ever at a loss for words but this time words failed me. She went on, talking about how hard it is, mumbling something else as I continued to stare at her.

I can not believe that an adult in this day and age would do this. Outwardly make fun of a disability. Completely inaccurately, I might add. And at a daycare, to a professional who just told you they had a child with autism! I have developed a thick skin over the years—it didn’t hurt my heart the way it once would have—but I was in disbelief.

It is complete ignorance, and it starts at home. We need to teach our typical children to do better.

We need to educate and show our children to the world. To be proud of them and not ashamed. The thinking that any one group of people is better than the next is outdated and simply untrue. Everyone’s life has meaning and value.

My daughter lives her best life every day. Her heart is pure. She doesn’t know evil, prejudice, or hate. Her life is simple. She smiles and, I swear, light radiates through. Her laugh is the sweetest sound you will ever hear.

She is worthy. She is deserving of everything life has to offer. She is different but not less: if anything she is more.

Her soul is full of beauty and innocence. It is up to us to stand up and protect her and others like her. To tell the world how imperfectly perfect they are. To set an example, to give grace, and to educate.

It is not enough to just erase the word. We have to advocate, educate and enlighten others. No more secret world of special needs, we will share the beauty, the joy, and the challenges and show the world how deserving our kids are.

 

 

This post originally appeared on Autism Adventures with Alyssa.

Kim McIsaac , is a blogger at autism adventures with Alyssa . She resides in Massachusetts with her husband and four children .  She advocates and passionate about spreading autism awareness and educating and inspiring others . She likes to write , spend time with her  family and loves the beach . 

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My Kids Are Going Back to School & This Is How I’m Coping

By Nataly Blumberg

On the outside, I appear to be calm about my kids going back to school. They attend a public school that is well funded and has engaged parents. Last week there was a Zoom call with over 300 participants and the general consensus among the parents is that mandatory masks, new ventilation systems, hundreds of new sanitizing stations, and 45-pages worth of initiatives cover as much as can be expected to keep students, teachers and everyone that works in the school safe.

But I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night from anxiety. I keep thinking that tomorrow night will be different, but it’s not. Part of feeling better is knowing that there are so many others feeling the exact same way. I decided that I would do a bit of research and find actions that I could take to help with the stress. Sometimes it’s about finding what works best for us as an individual, and you can only decide when you’ve read, talked, and done your research.

Nanika Coor, Psy.D. is a Brooklyn, NY based clinical psychologist who specializes in working with parents, recommends being mindful in four key areas.  I took her advice to heart and thought about specific things that I could do to ease my back-to-school anxieties.

1. BREATHE. Her first piece of advice when you are feeling stressed is to, “Stop & breathe: Stop whatever you’re doing. Pause. Take a breath. Make your exhale last as long as you can.” At first, I found this somewhat comical and basic, but the truth is it really helps. Don’t laugh, but the smell of Soap & Glory Uplifting bath products while taking a deep breath in the shower makes me happy and sets a positive vibe for the morning. I feel like I’ve rewarded myself just for being positive and making an effort to be in a good mood.

2. BE AWARE. “Check-in: Focus your awareness on your internal experience: What emotions, body sensations, and thoughts are you experiencing right at this moment? Notice with curiosity rather than self-judgment. Let whatever’s there just be there,” says Coor. The part that resonated with me is about self-judgment. So many times, moms feel that they should have it all together at home and at work and it’s the pressure, more than the activities, that make things hard. I’ve also decided to ask for help and ordered Freshly meals. I spend less time worrying and cooking, more time with my kids and husband, and therefore I feel like I did a better job. That’s the recipe for a start to less self-judgment.

3. LOOK WITH A POSITIVE LENS. Coor also recommends that parents, “Zoom out with a positive lens: Assume positive intent. What if you assumed that both you and your child are trying to get your needs met in the best way that you know how at this moment, however unproductively. Call up some compassion for you both.”  My kids want more attention and I have laundry to fold. Plus, conference calls and soon homework. We both need time and that’s why I’ve incentivized them to help with more chores. By doing things together they can feel that I am happier and calmer, and we get to crack jokes while we work. One extremely important lesson and I cannot emphasize this enough, is you cannot criticize the way they help. Just don’t do it. If they are doing it with willingness, tell them how it makes you feel. Think about the emotion and not how clean or well-folded something is done. Remember, you’re looking with a positive lens and it’s one step at a time.

4. RESPOND FIRST, THEN REACT. Coor’s last piece of advice is to “Choose the least harmful response you can: Respond rather than react. What can you do right now that brings the least amount of harm to your child’s body, mind, heart, spirit, and self-esteem?” There are a few ways that I’ve tried to implement this in my life.  First, if I feel like I’m really going to lose it, I leave the room and say that I’m coming back when I calm down. This actually is much more effective than screaming at the top of my lungs while something is happening because my kids know it’s serious and they have time to realize what just happened.

The other way I’ve used this advice is by taking something away that demonstrated that I was doing something extra because I care, not because I had to.  As an example, for a while, my kids would not stop bickering. Day in and day out it was misery. I screamed, I pleaded, and I cried. Nothing helped. Then I decided to tell them that if they continue one more time, they would have to get to school on their own. My reasoning was that I had to take time out of my day to fight the traffic and the school bus lines so that my kids would have door-to-door service. It was something that I did for them because I cared. Not because I had to. The fighting continued, I stopped driving, they took the bus, and the fighting ended. They got the point.

To me, it doesn’t matter that things have changed in terms of COVID-19. Things changed because the response was more meaningful than harmful.  Parents do things every single day that show love and care, and at a certain point, kids are able to understand that this is a shared activity.

5. GET HELP. If things seem really difficult and you are struggling, get help. It’s the most important thing that you can do for yourself and your family.  Almost everyone is having a hard time and you are not alone. Parents Anonymous is a family strengthening organization and has added resources to help during the pandemic.

This is my place to start and it might change in the weeks ahead. But, I’m already starting to feel calmer.

I'm a mom of two children, wife, and love my fur baby, traveling and playing UNO.  My passion is discovering services and products by entrepreneurs, especially those that can cut down on some screen time and help our family create lasting memories together. 

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