ML Interest Tag: sadness

To the Mom of a Newly Diagnosed Child as We Approach Autism Awareness Month

By Elizabeth North

It’s nearly April and everywhere you look you will begin to see the famed puzzle piece. Today I just couldn’t shake that weight that comes with the month ahead. In the coming days, you will begin to hear more chatter from parent advocates and self-advocates alike. You’ll see schools pasting signs about “acceptance” and “inclusion.”

You may be lucky enough to have friends that want to know, want to learn, will stand by your side, especially this month. That first Autism Awareness Month, you may want to hear it all. You still may be too raw to hear any of it. You will feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed and you will find moments you want to quit. The day. The month.

You may love the “Light It Up Blue” and you may hate the “Light It Up Blue.” You may fall in love with puzzle pieces and quotes and you may sob seeing puzzle pieces and quotes. Mama, this month is a lot. It’s a lot of good but in the good, sometimes we forget that good can be heavy.

There will be well-meaning supporters who say the wrong things. There will be people you never imagined who will become your best friend. If I could go back to my first April, my first Autism Awareness Month (that is what it was called five years ago), I’d tell myself these three things:

First, you do you. Share when you want to share and hide when you need to reset. Love the representation you love and be the representation you don’t see. Ignore what isn’t part of your story and share your story too because your story matters. Your child is a gift. Your child is unique. For you self-advocates, teach us. We want to listen. We want to learn. As parents, we want to know what our future may hold, how to help our children but do it with kindness, with the knowledge that we’d move mountains not just for the children we are raising but for you.

Second, breathe. It’s coming at you. Hard and fast. You’ll revisit the emotions that come with diagnosis, therapy, IEP’s, education perhaps even adult life. There will symbols and stories, walks and marches. There will be calls to action and it can be overwhelming. Remember, you are not the only parent living this, feeling this. When a child is diagnosed often they say this is a marathon. Scratch that. This is an iron man and while you don’t feel made for it, you were and your being here, as you are, is important. When the month gets heavy, when you’ve seen one too many stories, heard one too many quotes, on those days when you don’t feel strong enough, your tribe will remind you, you have this, you are making strides and you are incredible. So this month more than ever, lean in, find your tribe and allow them to be there.

Third, it’s okay to feel it all. You may feel all the emotions. Joy in the growth. Sadness in the challenges. Hope this is not just awareness but continued acceptance. Remember it’s okay to feel all the emotions because after April, when the ribbons are down and the stories are locked away for another year, you still are on this journey and that kindness, acceptance, and understanding may just be hidden away again until next year.

So to you, new mama, welcome. I want you to know, you are not alone. I want you to know I am here for you after all the quotes, the marches, the stories. I am here for you because in the last five years I have realized that overall more good has come out of this than I could ever imagine. I’ll be here to stand by and celebrate all the good that is yet to come.

I'm a mom of many who is living her best life navigating a busy world full of ups and downs. Managing five kids and one with additional needs I enjoy learning through living and sharing what I know. I can't wait to share our Messy World with you.

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When You Are All Alone, Sitting in the Dark

By Vesna Mitrevska

Photo: Vesna Mitrevska

I’ll sit with you in the dark. Waiting for others to believe you. Waiting for insurance approvals. Waiting for evaluations. Always waiting to hear what you already know.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when you feel alone. When others tell you they’ll pray for you. When they tell you stories of how they know someone who knows someone. When they tell you that God gives special kids to special people. When they tell you, “But they’re so cute” or “They’re so smart” —like it’s a constellation prize.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when friends and family slowly drop off when things get harder. They’re “There for you” until they aren’t. Because the reality is too hard for them to grasp so it becomes only your burden to bear.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when you’re so tired of speaking and not being heard. When you repeat yourself into a void and then you’re told “You never said that.” When you cry yourself to sleep every night and no one even notices—I do, because I am you.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when other’s don’t know how dark the dark can be. When you pretend everything is fine when it’s far from it. When you fight for services. When you fight the school system. When you fight your own family who refuse to see things for what they actually are.

I’ll sit with you in the dark when the cuteness starts to wear off. When things that were shrugged off as, “All kids do that” and become, “Why does your kid do that?” I’ll sit with you in the dark when you start to drown yourself in wine and food and try to sleep as much as you can so you don’t have to think.

I know this happens. I know because it all happened to me, and I don’t want it to happen to anyone else. I’ll sit with you in the dark when the sadness of, “Why my kid?” slowly turns to the anger of, “Why not my kid?” and you realize how important inclusion and acceptance are.

You are not alone, ever, even in the dark.

 

Vesna is a 37 year old single mom to two little autistic boys, a pharmacist, and likes to share her love of make up in her spare time. 

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5 Baby Milestones That Will Totally Change Your Life as a Parent

By Denise Stern

As new parents we live for the developmental milestones of our babies. Smiling at six weeks, starting solids at six months, potty training… and on and on. Our excitment even starts while baby is still in the womb: “Look honey, she’s the size of a kidney bean this week!” As time goes on though, we realize that we as parents have milestones, too!

Below is a completely unscientific and yet 100 percent accurate chart of Baby Milestones for Parents.

Milestone: The day your baby can hold his or her own bottle

  • Typically occurs: Around 10 to 11months old
  • What it’s really like for parents: Confusion and disorientation in parent; for several days you will not know what to do with your free hands and lap.  Then expect a feeling of liberation. Parents report their homes become moderately cleaner upon reaching this stage.

Milestone: The day breastfeeding feels as natural as everyone keeps telling you it should be

  • Typically occurs: Anytime between day 1 and day 90
  • What it’s really like for breastfeeding moms: Overwhelming joy.

Milestone: The day your baby sleeps through the night for the first time

  • Typically occurs: Anywhere between 12 weeks to 5 years old
  • What it’s really like for parents: Also known as “The Holy Grail of Parenting,” once parents feel what it’s like to have a child go to sleep from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m., they can never go back.  Parents report feelings of wanting a second child upon reaching this milestone.

Milestone: The day you decide your child watching “a show” is okay

  • Typically occurs: Most frequently once toddler drops their nap or when toddler welcomes newborn sibling
  • What it’s really like for parents: Slight guilt followed by urge to allow child to watch “just one more.” There are LOTS of opinions on this one but only you know the right decision for your family. (Just go with it.)

Milestone: The day that diapers are no longer on your Costco list

  • Typically occurs: Varies
  • What it’s really like for parents: Utter disbelief. Parents later report sadness as there are no more babies in the house.

What Parenting Milestones have you reached? Which ones are you excited about? Let us know in the comments!

With twin girls and a boy born 17 months apart, I'm the owner of the world's most ironically named business, Let Mommy Sleep. Let Mommy Sleep provides nurturing postpartum care to newborns and evidence based education to parents by Registered Nurses and Newborn Care Providers.  

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What I Worry Most About for My Children

By Tabitha Cabrera

On a hot summer day, Nixon was born a tiny baby fighting his emergency entrance into this world—a warrior brought into the world early. On that day, I worried that we both would lose a fighting battle against our bodies. He was whisked away to the NICU, hooked up to monitors, under lights, and the protective glass sheltering him from the scary outside world. Me, recovering as my body failed me, not strong enough to hold or see my tiny baby.

I wondered if he would miss me being there, his mother, the person who should be the first person to shelter him from the outside world. Was he as scared as I was?

Nora was born on a brisk day in December, I held her shortly after birth. She healed my wounded heart from her brother’s birth experience. I worried that my emotions from our NICU experience would cast a dark shadow on this tiny baby. That I would miss all the special moments as I sat in that worry.

I wondered if she would feel my heart reaching out to her as I held her in my arms. Would she know that the love I felt for her was deep to my core?

Our son has always had a sweet open spirit. He is the type of boy to share his last cracker, to wrap you in a long hug after he has faced his day. His jokes, sometimes unintentional, make me laugh till tears roll down my cheek. I worry that the people outside our front door won’t see what a truly magically spirit he is.

I wonder if he will find a special connection to another how I share one with his father.

With her fierce embrace of the room, our daughter takes in the world with a breathtaking magnification. She draws you into her space with simple hand gestures and her full spirit. I worry that she will dive into that space a little too deep as time goes on.

I wonder if she will move mountains and make waves in a world that needs her embrace. If she will make her mark like fierce women who I admire and have come before her.

I worry that I will make a mistake parenting both of these beautiful souls.

I worry that I will, in some way, push what I want on them too powerfully.

I wonder what qualities they will grasp onto from both their father and me.

I wonder if they will speak of us in a way that I cannot see from this side.

I know that the worry will often shift to wondering. That the mountain of fears will change to mountains of success, the sadness will be reshaped to alternate expectations.

I hope that we all can shine our light with who we are, what type of people we want to be, and are embraced with a clear understanding by others.

That they will surround themselves with people who want to know them as much as we do.

I will continue to worry, and I will continue to wonder as we walk this path together.

Tabitha Cabrera, lives in Arizona with her husband, and two beautiful children. She works as an Attorney and enjoys spending her time in a public service role. The family loves nature and ventures outdoors as much possible. Come check out her little nature babies

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How to Help Kids That Are Grieving Life before COVID

By Sally Baird

COVID kids

Of course, kids are grieving now. The pandemic has plunged all of us into a shared and chronic grief as we mourn life before COVID-19. It is important to recognize the grief in our children (and ourselves) and learn ways to mitigate it. This article will define grief, discuss the stages and symptoms of children’s grief, and give specific ideas for helping children. The ideas can be modified by teachers and other caregivers.

What Is Grief?

Grief is the response to loss. Many think that someone has to die for grief feelings to be real, but grief can be connected to any type of loss. Think of what our kids have lost this past year. The list is so long, but definitely includes the loss of in-person school, friends, routines, sports, missing out on milestones, and life as your children knew it. Also, if you consider that parents are more stressed, without their old routines, worried about their jobs, money, and illness; then you have the perfect storm for collective grief in your home.

Stages of Grief

Years ago, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief. Even for our children, they make sense.

  • Denial — My life isn’t going to be any different. Nothing will change for me.
  • Anger — I hate this. Why can’t I see my friends? Everyone is overreacting.
  • Bargaining — If I just wear my mask for 2 weeks, I can go to school.
  • Despair — All I feel is sadness. Life will never go back to normal. I don’t have any friends and I am not learning anything.
  • Acceptance — Although life is tough right now, I can do some things to make it better. I will follow health rules and my parents will help me with new ways to connect. I must be patient.

Symptoms of Grief

Kids will feel the grief in their bodies before you and they recognize it as grief. No one experiences it in exactly the same way. And of course, the symptoms of grief change with each age level of children (SAMHSA). Below are just some of the symptoms to watch for in your kids.

  • Children 5 years and under may be more clingy, undergo regressed behavior, have eating and sleeping changes, unexplained aches and pains, cry for no reason, have new worries, and act withdrawn.
  • Children ages 6 to 10 years may have new fears, regression in developmental behavior, sleep problems, more tears, headaches/stomach aches, and act aggressively.
  • Tweens and teens ages 11-19 years old may show more difficulty coping with life, increased anxiety, more arguments, resist authority, and engage in more risky behavior. If someone in this age group has an underlying mood disorder, the risk of suicide increases significantly.

It is important to recognize that these symptoms can be normal for the grief process. As with worry and sadness, grief should be dealt with as soon as it is identified. Research shows that when strong negative emotions are not addressed, they can lead to lifelong mood disorders, a lower quality of life, and become harder to treat in adulthood. In contrast, when negative emotions are dealt with early in a child’s life, they will learn enduring skills to help them through life’s future bumps and bruises. If we allow a child their sadness, it doesn’t make sadness bigger, instead, it actually makes the sadness smaller because the child feels understood and validated. The child may come to a place of acceptance of her situation and feelings.

Ways to Help with Grief

  1. Listen and then listen more. The article about Worry Time will give you specifics about ways to be present, undistracted, non-judgmental, and use open-ended questions.
  2. Explore what your child is most grieving. It can be helpful to use the tips from the Shrinking the Worry Monster book and/or make a DIY Worry Box. It is possible that your child can’t identify his specific losses at first.
  3. Be creative. Often grief feelings don’t come out as words. Have your child write a story about himself, draw a picture, or keep a journal.
  4. Use meditation techniques through apps or books. Just pausing and taking slow deep breaths can be very centering.
  5. Go outside and exercise.
  6. Tell your child that it’s okay not to be okay. Telling someone to have happy thoughts, get over it, or look on the bright side can be dismissive of the genuine pain others are feeling. Though meant to be encouraging, these comments can have the opposite effect and be toxic.
  7. Don’t be dismissive of your child’s grief. Remember that no one has to die for grief feelings to be real. Never negate or qualify anyone’s grief. Also do not compare your child’s grief with others—“Olive lost her grandmother, you’re just missing school.” There are no winners in comparative suffering. Real grief can only be defined by the person feeling it.
  8. Recognize that other’s grief can make us uncomfortable and we tend to avoid it. Minimizing someone’s grief may make “us” feel better, but not the grieving child.
  9. Get professional help if your child seems especially down. And recognize that the risk of suicide among tweens and teens is very real.
  10. Be open to joy and take care of yourself!

Like most of us, your child may be experiencing grief for life before COVID-19. This article defines grief, discusses the stages and symptoms of a child’s grief, and gives specific ways to help minimize the impact of grief. For the sake of your child’s future mental health, research indicates that grief should be addressed early. It is hoped that these tools will be helpful to everyone in your family.

 

This post originally appeared on www.drsallyb.com.

I am a child psychologist who specializes in children's anxiety. I just published a top seller children's book titled Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid's Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. I love sharing ideas about decreasing worry in children, especially now. I also love to hike and bike in beautiful Pacific NW. 

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Fine Print: Children’s Books by Georgia Authors

by Phebe Wahl

The winter is the perfect time to cozy up to a little local lit with your kiddos by one of the following authors who hails from our home state. From the familiar Pete the Cat to the lesser known Listening Me, these books are awesome, no matter where you’re reading them. We just think it’s really cool that the authors have spent their fair share of time traveling Peachtree. Keep reading for our favorite children’s books by local authors, below.

Lift as You Climb by Patricia Hruby Powell & R Gregory Christie

Caldecott Honor winner—and Atlantan—R. Gregory Christie’s powerful pictures pair with the narrative of Patricia Hruby Powell in this children's book about the civil rights activist Ella Baker. Long before the civil rights movement of the 1950s and 60s, Ella Baker worked to lift others up by fighting racial injustice and empowering poor African Americans to stand up for their rights. Her dedication and grassroots work in many communities made her a valuable ally for leaders like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and she has been ranked as one of the most influential women in the civil rights movement. In the 1960s she worked to register voters and organize sit-ins, and she became a teacher and mentor to many young activists.

Available for $11.79 on Amazon.

Holiday! by Natalie Nelson

Have you ever thought how it must feel to be the day that follows a holiday? Atlantan Natalie Nelson’s ingenious characterizations of the days of the week will delight readers in this story that pokes fun at how set in our ways we can be and how we might instead choose to be open to change and embrace the unexpected.

Available for $15.80 on Amazon.

Dog Days: The Carver Chronicles by Karen English and Laura Freeman

Originally from New York but currently living in Atlanta, illustrator Laura Freeman knows a thing or two about moves, and making new friends, and learning how new places work—just like the main character in The Carver Chronicles. This series starts as a young boy moves to a new school, where everything that could possibly go wrong seems to do just that. 

Available for $6.99 on Amazon.

Thread of Love by Kabir and Surishtha Sehgal

This mother-son duo collaborate to bring colorful stories about from India alive on the pages of children's books. In Thread of Love, readers learn about the Indian festival of Raksha Bandhan—a celebration of the special lifelong relationship between brothers and sisters—in a literary reinterpretation of the song Frère Jacques (Are You Sleeping). 

Available for $10.39 on Amazon. 

Hands Up! by Breanna J. McDaniel

This picture book by Atlanta author McDaniel celebrates Black joy by reclaiming a charged phrase and showing readers how resistance can be part of their everyday lives. In it, a young Black girl lifts her baby hands up to greet the sun, reaches her hands up for a book on a high shelf, and raises her hands up in praise at a church service. She stretches her hands up high like a plane’s wings and whizzes down a hill so fast on her bike with her hands way up. As she grows, she lives through everyday moments of joy, love, and sadness. And when she gets a little older, she joins together with her family and her community in a protest march, where they lift their hands up together in resistance and strength.

Available for $8.89 on Amazon.

Bilal Cooks Daal by Aisha Saeed

What six-year-old doesn't wrestle with patience and sharing? This Kirkus Reviews Best Picture Book of 2019 and Asian/Pacific American Award Winner for Literature Honor Book in 2019 explores patience, teamwork, community, and sharing through the eyes of six-year-old Bilal. He's excited to help his dad make his favorite food of all-time—daal—but the slow-cooked lentil dish from South Asia requires lots of ingredients and a whole lot of waiting.

Available for $17.69 on Amazon.

The King of Too Many Things by Laurel Snyder

When you can have everything you want, it's easy to get lost in what you have. This story about a young King Jasper who can order his wizard to conjure up anything at all is a modern fairy tale that shows how always wanting more can ultimately lead to less...happiness, that is.

Available for $12.98 on Amazon.

Featured image via iStock.

—Shelley Massey

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Dear Kids, I Hope You Never Thank Me for This

By Melanie Forstall

Photo: Melanie Forstall

I recently saw a young teen publicly thank his parents on social media. It wasn’t a generic, thanks-for-all-that-you-do, kind of post. This one stopped me in my tracks. This specific nod to the parents was, “Thank you for giving me everything I want.”

My first few thoughts lingered around the possibility that this was a status symbol of sorts, enjoyed by everyone involved with giving this child everything he wanted. It rang similar to the current requirement on social media that families need to be super busy. If families today aren’t completely overscheduled, their status is somehow less than. I guess, maybe, if a parent gives a child everything he or she wants, somehow that raises their false status, too?

My husband and I are far less concerned with status, and way more concerned with raising kind, happy kids who will hopefully grow up to be emotionally resilient adults. Probably why this post stood out to me. Neither of us want to give our kids everything they want.

Our kids are talented swimmers. Our daughter, specifically is not only talented, she’s also a very hard worker. She’s willing to practice as much as she needs to remain a strong competitor as well as be a valued member of her team. As a middle schooler, she sets personal goals and works hard to reach them.

This season, her goal was to swim the individual medley (IM). This is a tough race: 100 yards, 1 lap of each stroke, a total of 4 laps. Her goal was to swim it competitively under 2 minutes. After a few weeks of practice, she swam it and exceeded her goal. Next, she set her sights on the championship meet at the end of the month. Before that though, she wanted one more race experience so she requested her coaches pace her in the IM for the next meet.

The day arrived for the meet placements and she was left out of the IM. She looked a bit worried, so I encouraged her to go and talk with her coaches. She did and to her dismay, she was, in fact, left out of the race. I asked her coaches if she could be added to the race, but it was too late. She held back tears but forged ahead and jumped into the pool for practice.

It was a mistake. Her coaches are human and they make mistakes, too.

Her disappointment was compounded for several reasons. Her biggest competition was not going to be at this next meet, giving her a strong possibility of winning the race. Her best friend was going to be there. She wanted one more race experience before the championship meet. She folded under the layers of disappointment and began to cry as soon as we got into the car.

I could have made a phone call. My husband and I could have made unreasonable requests. I probably could have called the board of directors and caused a scene to get my child added back into the race she so desperately wanted to swim. We could have caused a lot of people to do a lot of extra work to make my child happy. I could have gone to extreme lengths to give my child everything she wanted.

Have you seen that quote that encourages you to drink plenty of water and gets lots of sun? Good advice for us because we are essentially houseplants with complex emotions. How in the world can we expect our children to learn how to deal with complex emotions if we never allow them to experience them?

My husband and I could have made unreasonable requests in an effort to relieve our daughter from feeling complex emotions. But how would that have served her in the long run? Sure, it was hard for her but we all have to learn how to deal with disappointment. We have to learn how to accept the fact that people we love mistakes. We have to learn how to accept the fact that not everything in life will go our way.

The one thing I hope my kids never thank me for—giving them everything they want.

As humans, we are hard-wired to struggle. It’s not my job as a parent to keep my kids from ever having to struggle. Instead, it’s our job as parents to give them the tools to properly deal with the struggle.

After having time to be sad and disappointed, we talked with our daughter about what she ultimately wanted. We couldn’t change the circumstances, but it was worth at least exploring what she could personally get out of the situation; what it would take to get a positive outcome from this experience.

We talked with her coaches and after giving it some thought, she agreed to swim the event as an unofficial swimmer. That meant, her times wouldn’t count and she wouldn’t score any points. She couldn’t officially win, even if she technically did. She’d still get the opportunity to have another race experience.

It was a wasn’t everything she wanted.

She was able to live through the disappointment and still see the upside. She was able to accept the reality but still find the positive. She didn’t throw away the experience because it wasn’t perfect.

My job as a parent is not to keep my kids happy. Let’s face it, of all the emotions we have, happy is easy. Our kids do not need practice with being happy.  They do need to be prepared to face disappointment, sadness, and anger.  They need experience in extending the same grace to others that they would want in return. They also need practice in accepting situations for that what they are without  expectations for us to swoop in and fix it.

I hope my kids are grateful for all of the things we do for them, but for many reasons more importantly, I hope they are thankful for the things that we didn’t do.

Melanie Forstall is a full-time mother, full-time wife, full-time teacher, and never-enough-time blogger at Melanie Forstall: Stories of Life, Love, and Mothering. She holds a doctorate in education and yet those many years of schooling have proved to be utterly useless when it comes to actual mothering.

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5 Tips for Moms Dealing with Divorce

By Kara Reynolds

Choosing to get a divorce is one of the most difficult decisions you can make in your life—especially when kids are involved. Regardless of their age, you want to protect them at all costs and ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible. Of course, this is much easier said than done, as you may well know. Aside from the legal aspects, there are emotional and parenting issues you have to deal with. At times, these can be more taxing than the financial and contractual details. However, as impossible as it may seem right now, there are ways to care for yourself and your kids as you navigate this tumultuous time in your life. Here are some tips to help you make it through and become an even stronger mama in the process.

1. Give Yourself Time

One of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids is to give yourself time to process your emotions. It’s completely natural to experience panic, confusion, sadness, anger, and a slew of other feelings as you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is ending. In fact, you’ll likely go through the stages of grief as you move forward, eventually reaching acceptance. However, as painful as the process is, it’s best not to rush it. Sit with the pain and allow yourself to break down when you aren’t on mom duty. You’re human too, after all. You deserve to explore those complicated emotions without feeling the need to suppress them 24/7.

2. Don’t Go It Alone

While alone time is essential in processing your emotions, it’s equally important to find others with whom you can confide. Up until this point, it’s likely your husband was the one with whom you would share your thoughts and feelings. Now, you must trust close friends, relatives, or a therapist with the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Of course, opening up to others can be frightening and uncomfortable. However, talking to someone else may provide you a fresh perspective or prevent you from running back to a toxic relationship for the sake of your kids. You might also consider joining a support group so you can be with others who are currently going through or have been through a divorce.

3. Become a United Front

A lack of communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek divorce. However, when it comes time to inform the kids of your decision, you must be able to speak with one another and become a united front before talking to your children. After all, this decision involves both of you, so you should both be present when telling the kids. Moreover, your little ones will likely feel more comfortable and safe if you’re both there to explain things. Prepare for questions and make sure you and your spouse agree on the reasoning behind the divorce so you can answer them clearly and concisely.

4. Avoid Trash Talk

During that first conversation with your kids and throughout the divorce process, avoid trash-talking your spouse. Even if their actions or words were the reason for the divorce, it’s best not to drag them through the mud in front of your children. Your kids don’t need to know all the details of the divorce and, in the end, you still want them to respect both you and their father. Plus, you don’t want your little ones to feel like they have to choose a side—especially when you’re trying to protect them from the messiness of divorce. If your partner is trash-talking you, let your actions speak for themselves and resist the urge to defend yourself. Doing so will only fan the flames and give your kids more reason to turn against one of you.

5. Don’t Make Your Kids Messengers

Even before the divorce is final it isn’t uncommon for you or your spouse to move out and begin splitting time with the kids. If you continue to share custody of the children, this cycle of having your kids and sending them off to see their father will repeat for years to come. During the early stages, many ex-couples use the kids as messengers instead of directly communicating with one another. Don’t make the same mistake. Using your kids as middlemen puts them in the line of fire if an argument were to occur, causing real and lasting damage to their emotional health and wellbeing. Therefore, it’s best to text, call or email your ex privately or meet up and speak in person without your kids being present.

Today Is Not Your Forever

If you’re in the throes of divorce, it may be difficult—if not impossible—to see a silver lining in such a mess. Yet, it’s important to remember that you’re doing this for your kids if nothing else. They deserve a safe, loving home, and divorce may have been the only way to provide that. Find hope in the fact that even if today may be almost too much to bear, it won’t last forever. Eventually, you and your little ones will emerge from the rubble and rebuild your lives together. Looking back, you may find this was the best thing you could ever have done for your kids and their future.

This post originally appeared on Momish.

Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine.  A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures.  She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time. 

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How Self Love Got Me through High School

By Ali Flynn

This girl, right here, had no idea what was in store for her at the blossoming age of fourteen…but one thing she did know…her smile could hide a lot.

Up and downs…trials and tribulations… nine schools, always the new girl.

She had no idea that a move to New York would transform this outgoing girl.

Consuming her with feelings of self-doubt, sadness, and misery.

She never knew the longing she would feel for her friends, the sand beneath her feet, and the salty air brushing against her face as she rode her bike along.

She didn’t know barely passing classes was an option, coming from being a straight A student and always praised.

She didn’t know the weight she felt internally would manifest on the outside as well.

She didn’t know she would switch to three different high schools, as she had a vision of settling down for once but her vision was quickly stripped away.

This girl had no idea that her emotions would take over, cause countless tears, emotional eating and nervous laughter.

This girl couldn’t accept being loved…she never knew if the moving van, driving down the street once again from her house, would drag that love through the rubble, breaking it apart, never to be found again.

So this girl built up some sturdy walls…but one thing this girl knew…she knew she was strong.

She knew this stage was just a few moments in time…a small part of her life…so she persevered. 

She pulled herself up and wrapped herself in love.

She didn’t let anxiety take hold, dragging her down.
She didn’t let some of the teacher’s snide remarks change her love for learning.
She didn’t let her doubt ruin all that was to come.
She didn’t let her fear of love not allow her to love.

So this girl, as miserable as she was, woke up each day, maybe a bit shaky and not as strong as she hoped to be, and placed one foot in front of the other, saying a silent prayer for this day to move along and to find some joy.

She didn’t let her sadness take over, rather she reached into her gut, pulled out a smile, and once again introduced herself, attempting to make new friends.

She didn’t hold back her laughter, even though some days it was hard to muster up the courage to laugh.

Friends, you know what got this girl through? 

Love.

Self-love.

The love she had for herself when nothing was going according to plan.

The love she had for herself when the path she traveled was beyond unstable.

The love she had for herself knowing one day she would make a difference.

Her story would matter.

So when I look at this girl, my young fourteen-year-old self, all I can say to her is, “We made it.”

And we did…we made it.

Never leaving each other’s side, holding tight, knowing the future held so much in store for us.

This post originally appeared on Https://www.Facebook.com/hangintheremama.

 

 

Ali Flynn Is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Mom  and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents and Her View From Home.

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To the Mom Parenting a Child with Aggression Issues

By Elizabeth North

Dear Momma,

I see you, driving down the road with tears in your eyes. I see the deer caught in headlights look as your hands firmly grip the wheel. You sob, uncontrollably, afraid to utter the words that well within your body. I know you utter how much your child is loved, how you wouldn’t change them for the world, that you will get through it together but I know you’d give your life in a heartbeat to have it so your child didn’t struggle with aggression.

I know the type of day you had. The one where you listened carefully as little feet hit the ground and you cautiously walked on eggshells trying to figure out just what kind of day you may have. You tried to find the perfect clothes, that didn’t tug or pull on your little one’s body. You gently brushed their hair avoiding any snarls for fear that one misstep would send you into a place no parent ever imagines you could be. I know you spent the day offering tokens for positive behaviors and lavishing your child with the love they need to know they are so precious, so wanted, so exceptional that they haven’t been put here just to change your world but to help you change the world for them and others who will walk in the same shoes.

I know it’s late in the day. You’ve iced the bruises and yet your heart is broken. You carefully cradle your child and secure them in their seat to drive. A drive might fix it, or at least keep your child safe and allow you to release the pain that has built up inside, all day. As you head into the darkness I know you wonder if anyone gets it. I know you have been told you are “too much” by friends because well, maybe you are. Maybe the pain and suffering you live with are too much for others to bear, but not me. I am here Momma, I am here for you.

I’m driving too, my child is buckled in. I look in the rearview mirror, and I see you. I see your eyes, darkened with sadness, your cheeks, tear-stained from not just the physical pain but the emotional pain. I know your fear. I live it too.

Aggressive autism isn’t talked about a lot. Most parents fear coming out, afraid to be honest with others or even themselves. They fear saying it out loud because then, it’s true. They fear judgment. They don’t believe they will ever be understood and so, they live in hiding, covering up their bruises with make-up, wearing long sleeves, and perhaps going so far as to get tattoos to hide the scars, at least the physical ones that others can see.

Momma, I want you to know, I see you. I am here. I am you. Except, I am tired. Tired of doing this alone. Tired of hiding. Tired of being ashamed because ashamed I am not. My daughter is more than her aggressive autism and when the autism aggression takes hold of her, she, the child I birthed is gone. She is morphed into a being that she cannot control.

As I rock her, try to gain control of one arm or another to keep her from hurting herself or someone else, I whisper, I am here. We will do this. Together. You are special and I will work through this by your side. She flails and screams unable to control herself, in that moment I find myself in what feels like an out of body experience, turning my mind away from the searing pain of the bites, pinches, and hair-pulling because I know this is not my daughter. And sometimes, sometimes as quickly as it started, that autism aggression escapes her body and she is left limp.

I cradle her in my arms. Rocking. Rocking her. Reminding her I am with her. She is mine and she is so loved.

Momma, come out. You are not alone. You need love. Your child needs to be celebrated, to be shared, to be lavished with the same gifts of other children who don’t live with aggression because of her aggression, she can’t control and Momma, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You show up. Daily. You walk beside your child. You show them love and you, my friend, are their greatest advocate and there is no reason to hide any of that.

 

This post originally appeared on www.messyblessymomma.com.

I'm a mom of many who is living her best life navigating a busy world full of ups and downs. Managing five kids and one with additional needs I enjoy learning through living and sharing what I know. I can't wait to share our Messy World with you.

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