ML Interest Tag: sadness

I Never Wanted to Be a #Boymom

By Katie Washington

Boy mom. It’s all I heard during my first, second, and third pregnancies. I never understood it. I don’t know what it is about me that says “boy mom” and honestly, I never really wanted it. I always wanted children. I was just fine to have a boy in the mix but, all I ever wanted, for as long as I can remember, was a little girl.

I think about that saying, “Man plans and God laughs,” a lot when it comes to my small brood of boys. I always planned for a little girl; three boys later and God is still laughing. When my first was born and they announced I had a little boy, I was shocked. I can still see my husband’s mouth bubbling around the letter B. I remember staring at him blankly. A boy? What was I going to do with a boy? I was positive I was having a girl; I would know what to do with a girl; I’d mentally prepared for a girl and now I had to readjust my emotions and expectations.

And Then Baby #2 Was a Boy

My next child came a quick 16 months later. Another healthy, beautiful baby boy; I was thrilled. I was also surprised…and a little disappointed. I’d tempered my expectations the second time around and announced at every opportunity that it was probably another boy, but quietly, I wished and prayed for my girl. God laughed again when baby boy #2 was born. He was absolutely perfect and I comforted myself with the knowledge that we would (more than likely) have a third. That’s when it would happen, I thought. Third time’s a charm; I’ll get my girl then.

And Then Baby #3 Showed Up

Baby #3 came two weeks early. My husband and I were at dinner with some of his work colleagues. I’d been having contractions, sporadic and irregular, nothing to worry about. Braxton Hicks, for sure. We spent a lovely evening with lovely people and I took my sweet time eating everything. Crab salad? Yes, please. The duck confit? Definitely. And I’m pregnant, so can I add mashed potatoes to that order? Is there any more bread? Dessert? I’m glad you asked. That flourless chocolate torte looks delicious.

On the 15-minute ride back to our house, I went from contractions every 25+ minutes to every 5 minutes. My husband was ready to go to the hospital immediately. I made us wait and time the contractions; we got to the hospital at 2 a.m.

Matthew was born around 7:00 that morning. I pushed that baby out and held my breath, waiting for the nurses to tell me it was a girl. I had a name ready. I would see her and hold her and my family would be complete. It was my husband who finally got a glimpse of the goods and told me that I had another son…and I burst into tears. Another boy. A third boy. For one quick, irrational moment, I thought: no, it’s fine, there’s another baby in there and she’ll be out in a minute. Then they laid him on top of me. He immediately curled up, started sucking his fingers, and I fell completely in love. He was perfect, an absolutely beautiful baby boy.

The feelings lingered. The sadness, the disappointment, and the utter bemusement that I was now mother to three boys and zero girls. It never even crossed my mind that, when I had my babies, they’d be boys. Most of the people I know have a mix of boys and girls; why would I be different? And so, I cried and then I cried some more. And then I cried off and on for my entire first week home.

My husband couldn’t understand. Here we were, blessed with three beautiful, healthy children. I had healthy pregnancies. The boys were lively and energetic and happy. Why was I so upset? Why couldn’t I be happy with the family we had?

I am happy with the family we have, I told him. I don’t want to give any of the boys back. I wouldn’t trade any of my boys for a girl. Our boys are beautiful and they are happy and they are loved, but I spent my entire life thinking I would have a daughter and now, that isn’t something that will happen for me. After each baby, I comforted myself with the knowledge that we’d try again. Now, our three children are birthed and here and (I hope) thriving and this dream, this expectation, that I’ve had my whole life is gone. It felt like a death, and I felt like I was mourning a whole life of things I’d never now never get to do. Some of it was superficial: the sweet clothes and precious nursery, ruffled bubbles, and smocked dresses, coats, tights, and bows.

The Hardest Part about Not a Having a Girl

The hardest part was emotional. It was letting go of something I’d wanted as long as I could remember, of something I’d always expected to have in my life. These feelings were heart wrenching and devastating in ways I’d never experienced before. I couldn’t work harder or take a class or save money to earn what I wanted. I was entirely at the mercy of God, fate, biology. “You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.” Only I did pitch a fit, in my way. I cried; I mourned; and I put it away because really, what else can you do?

I adore my boys—their sweetness and energy, their big hearts, and hilarious toddler commentary. I look at them and can’t believe they’re mine; my heart simply swells. My wild Washington trio humbles me and challenges me and fills me with joy.

I’m able to get my “girls fix” from nieces and goddaughters and children of friends and family who are generous enough to share their daughters with me. It helps, and those feelings of loss or “less than” have morphed into occasional aches…then one of my boys needs his mommy and the ache subsides.

This post originally appeared on Missy & Tots.

I'm 38, not single, but I do enjoy long walks on the beach. I'm a mom to 3 little boys, ages 5 and under; married to a wonderful man for almost 6 years. I work at the University of South Carolina (Go Gamecocks!) and live with my family in SC.

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How a Conversation about Grief Helped Me See My Son’s Future

By Jason Lehmbeck

This summer, I described my son, who is thirteen, as splitting his time between Billie Eilish and the L.A. Dodgers—a typical L.A., young teen existence. If you’re in the same boat, you can probably relate—except that my son, Noah, was born with a genetic condition that comes with a cascade of medical, educational and social complications.

When Noah was born, there was so much we didn’t know. There’s no road map for most of us when we learn about a child’s disability for the first time, whether it’s something that’s commonly understood, or something rare and complicated like Noah’s, which presents a lot like cerebral palsy.

Since our journey with Noah began, we’ve experienced a lot of the frustrations common to parents of young children with disabilities, along with many moments of joy. We’ve met other families and learned that we share common experiences—the fractured nature of support and resources, and the frustrating dead-ends and U-turns that come with trying to access those resources, services, reimbursement, and yes, fun, too.

Staying grounded, reaching out to the community to find other families like yours, and paying it forward when you do are all good guidance, but sometimes it’s really hard to follow that advice when you most need it. The cycles of grief that can accompany parenting a child with a disability are completely normal and necessary—that’s one of the most important things I’ve learned in my journey as a parent, and I owe most of that to Diane Simon Smith, a mother of two boys with disabilities who has practiced marriage and family therapy for more than twenty-three years.

Diane’s guidance on going through the grieving process has had a big impact on me in this season of life as Noah’s dad. As Diane told me and a group of other parents recently, it’s necessary to sit with the emotion that comes with grief. Then, when we’re ready, try to picture a landscape that incorporates that emotion and start building a new future, one brick at a time.

Noah is now at the age when it’s time to start preparing for his Bar Mitzvah celebration. Thinking about how different it will be for him and our family has triggered a whole new cycle of grief for me, and served as yet another reminder that so many things aren’t typical for Noah. He won’t have the kind of ceremony that his mother and uncle did when they turned thirteen. Sadness overwhelms me every time I think about that. So I do my best to sit with the emotion. Then, taking Diane’s advice, I think about all that’s possible in building a Bar Mitzvah with Noah that’s not typical. And with that first brick, I see a future that fills me with joy.

As we engage with the Rabbi, Noah, and his family to prepare for Noah’s big day, we’ve all been reminded of the core purpose of this ceremony. The essential idea is to establish that Noah is ready to be a part of the community, and the community is ready to receive him as a fully-fledged member. Typically, the person does intensive studying in preparation to perform a Torah reading during the service. But we are taking a not-so-typical approach so that Noah can bring his whole self to the service through his strengths and loves. As with everything in Noah’s life, music will be everywhere. We are still working on which Billie Eilish song is most appropriate based on his portion of the Torah, but he will be rocking his eye-gaze device to let us know. And in doing so, he is opening the eyes of his family, his Rabbi, and the broader congregation to a new way of seeing this rite of passage. One that doesn’t feel rote, and reinvigorates a sense of a person’s responsibility to his community and the community to him.

Learning from experts, other families that share our experiences, and our children helps us as parents to not only cope, but heal and thrive. That’s one of the biggest motivators for me when it comes to supporting other families raising kids with disabilities—the idea that we can accomplish so much more when we work together.

—Jason Lehmbeck

When Jason Lehmbeck's son, Noah, was born with a genetic condition, he pivot his serial technology entrepreneur experience into his new mission: Undivided, a technology platform to help parents of kids with disabilities live their best lives.

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4 Easy Steps to Help Parents Make Difficult Decisions

By Rick Stephens

Parenting is hard. You’re responsible for a little (or not so little) person and making all the right decisions. But what happens when you don’t know what the right decision is?

Decision-making, especially in an emotionally charged situation, is exhausting. What if an easy way to make decisions existed? Having made thousands of extraordinarily difficult decisions in my senior leadership career and as a father of four, I’ve figured out a relatively simple method to make decisions I can live with and be proud of that many successful leaders use. It’s perfect for parents, too, because parents are the leaders of their family.

1. Write the Problem Down
Focus on the issue, not your emotions. The brain tends to mix up logic processes when dealing with complex or emotionally charged decisions. Writing the problem down forces us to turn an abstract thought into a concrete statement, idea or question. In that process, we can more precisely frame the problem and, ultimately, downsize it from a larger-than-life issue to one we can work through.

For example, if you’re a parent with school-aged kids battling what to do about your child’s education due to the risks and restrictions of COVID-19, these thoughts might be going through your head:

  • In-person/online/homeschool
  • Will kids/adults wear masks?
  • Fear of getting sick
  • Uncertainty of the future
  • Sadness over lack of control
  • Will kids fall behind academically?
  • Guilt we just want things to be normal
  • Frustration with lack of work time

All the competing emotions make the decision-making process difficult.

However, when you write the problem you’re facing in one or two sentences, it may actually look like this:

We want our kids to safely get the best education possible while allowing us to work. What can we reasonably do to make that happen?

Writing the true essence of your problem down helps you focus on the most important part.

Which of those two “problems” looks more approachable? You can spend your time dealing with emotions, fears and unknowns or you can focus on the positive and productive opportunities.

Now that we have a more approachable problem, how do we decide what to do about getting our kids the best education possible? Do we make a pro-and-con list? What if they come out even?

2. Discuss the Problem with Others You Trust
The more people there are to talk about a problem, the more potential solutions there will be. Teams almost always come up with better solutions than individuals. Even though we can be sidetracked, if we don’t share our problems, we often miss other perspectives, relevant data and variables we may not have considered that can help us find solutions or flaws in our assumptions and general approach.

When it comes to our children, there’s nothing new. Someone out there has had a similar problem, so tap into the wisdom of extended family and friends.

Nearly every parent out there is processing what to do about school. Ask trusted friends what they’re thinking. Join a Facebook group, and search to see what other people are discussing. When evaluating education options and risks from COVID-19, share your concerns with your child’s teacher. See if their plans for the school year help guide your thought process.

3. Get Active to Reflect
It’s hard to focus and think about an issue logically when our conscious mind is easily overcome by emotions and daily distractions. When we do a physical task, our subconscious mind can work, which makes decision-making easier. Ask yourself a simple question about the problem when starting the activity.

In our example about school, the simple question is not, “How can I not worry about sending my kids to school?” or “How will I work if they’re home with me.” The right simple question is a positive one: “What can I do to make sure my kids get the best education right now?”

When you do this, physical movement is key. No scrolling social media! Relax by doing something that doesn’t require much thought but has you moving. Almost always, after the activity, your mind will deliver the right answer. Here are a few things you can do:

  • Shower
  • Walk or run
  • Long bicycle ride
  • Swim

Physical exercise helps quiet your brain. It allows you to focus on your movements, not your thoughts.

Another great approach to relaxing the conscious brain is sleeping. Just before putting your head on the pillow, ask yourself the simple positive question. In the morning, the solution is ready. I’ve found that having paper and pencil by the bed helps, particularly when you want to remember something as you wake up.

4. Take Action
Problems can appear larger than life, causing us to struggle with how to move forward. When you write it down, discuss it and reflect on it, solutions always become evident. They may not be what you expected, but solutions will appear. Then you can look at your options and see which one you are most comfortable with. Once your decision is made, the path forward will be clear, even if it’s not an easy one.

Solutions provide the path and the plan.

Though we may struggle with the murky future of public education, nothing is permanent. You can reassess in a few months and make a different decision if necessary. Do the best you can with the information you have. In this unprecedented set of circumstances, there is no one right answer.

Easy Decision-Making Strategy

  1. Write the problem down
  2. Discuss the problem with others
  3. Get active to reflect
  4. Take action

Every one of us has faced issues where it seemed impossible to make a decision. It’s absolutely exhausting to continually replay all the worries in your mind. But when you use these four steps, you’ll have the ability to make a decision even in the toughest of circumstances and enjoy the rewards or manage the fallout. That’s what made my career so successful and makes life as a father so rewarding. The state of being “undecided” is way worse than choosing to move forward one way or another.

—Rick Stephens

After a 33-year career, concluding as Boeing’s global leader of HR and Administration, Rick Stephens, father and grandfather, co-founded Raising Families with his wife. Together, they use their knowledge, insight and experience to support parents in becoming joyful, confident and intentional family leaders so they can raise engaging, successful children. 

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When You Lose Your Father

By Angela Rainbolt

In the fall 2012 my mother informed me that my father had been diagnosed with cancer. I was saddened, but I was not shocked. I had known for a long time that my dad was sick. He was never in a good mood and was always in pain. Throughout the next five years there were plenty of ups and downs.   

In July 2017 we heard the word terminal for the first time. My father’s cancer was terminal and there was no cure. I was devastated and relieved at the same time. I know it sounds cold that I was relieved, but I was finally released from the back-and-forth rollercoaster ride I had been on the last year or so.  There was a definitive answer.  

While there is no modesty in death, there are those days where you long for normalcy. You long for things to go back to the way they were before you knew death was there. You long to have the same philosophical conversations that you used to…not about death. I take that back, you long to have any conversation if it’s not about death. You just want your dad back. You just want to be able to call and hear him rattle on about everything and nothing all at the same time. You long to hear about how the rain last night made the lawn too wet to mow this morning. You long to hear him tell you how some land owner was making things difficult for the surveyors. You long to hear him tell you about the ride around town that he and mom took and how some random person put fencing up and you can no longer see the pond. Just random everyday occurrences that do not mean anything to the scheme of anything. Normalcy. 

On the Friday morning before your death, I sat on the edge of your bed talking to you before driving back home. You were nearing the end and I could feel it. In a moment of pure selfishness, I asked if you were proud of me. You beamed. You offered no hesitation and proudly stated that I had always made you proud. I was not by your side long that morning. It’s not the time that matters anyways. It’s the quality of the time. I can tell you, without hesitation, this is true in all cases.   

On Sunday, I made my way back to my parent’s house. I drove like a madwoman. The drive consisted of speeding, passing cars, and me begging God, out loud, to let him live until I could get there. I was a mess. I tried to contain myself before walking into the house. My father was in the living room in a hospital bed and my mother was laying by his side. It was the saddest, most amazing thing I have ever seen.  The culmination of over 50 years was in front of me and the tears came without warning.   

Tuesday, October 24, 2017, was my birthday. I had an overwhelming feeling for a while that my father was going to pass on my birthday. He had been unresponsive for nearly three days now and still wasn’t eating or drinking. The pamphlet stated that when a patient in hospice care gets extremely agitated then the end of very near. My father was very agitated the whole day. I guess it makes me feel better thinking that he was agitated at God for wanting to take him on my birthday. He stayed.   

Fifteen minutes after twelve on October 25, 2017, my father left his body and his spirit joined heaven. I was lightly sleeping in my mother’s bed at the time.  She tapped me on the arm and told me he was gone.  There is nothing that can prepare you for seeing someone you love as a dead body. Your mind and heart try to play tricks on you. They tell you, “They aren’t really dead, and they are just sleeping.”  Maybe that is their way of trying to protect you from the harsh realities that are about to come. You are going to have to call for assistance. The body will have to go somewhere.   

After death there was a blur of phone calls, hospice arrival, moving vehicles, disposing of medications, tears, screaming, and then sleep. It wasn’t a normal sleep. Sleep was a messed-up slumber of exhausted sadness. What I didn’t know then was that the blur would continue for quite some time after death.   

We are approaching the fourth anniversary of my father’s death this month. It’s hard this year. I am reminded of something a dear friend told me, “You have to say goodbye to someone to be able to say hello to them again.” I don’t know what’s out there. I don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell. I don’t know if it’s something different. I know that I could spend a lifetime studying the plethora of ideas of what it might be. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks because none of us really know for sure. I would much rather go on the very simple idea that someday I will be able to say hello again.   

I am a single mom of three beautiful daughters ages 29, 20, and 15.  At 50, I am recently divorced and making a career change.  I'm trying to put my BA and my MA to use finally!  My life hasn't always been easy but I feel good about the future!

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Making a New House Feel like Home after Divorce

By Elise Buie, Esq.

For newly divorced moms and dads, moving to a new home can be another stressful layer to an already stressful situation.

Among kids, an unwanted move can result in feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment. Losing the home they know and love comes as a blow as another part of their lives spins out of control.

Here are a few tips to help kids transition to a new home after divorce:

1. Address any emotions your children may have about the move.

Moving homes brings about complex emotions children may not understand, even if they know what divorce is. You may believe acting happy and convincing them nothing is wrong is best. However, this behavior teaches children to avoid emotions and can result in long-term problems. Instead, address the feelings your children may be experiencing head-on. Start a conversation, then listen. Kristin Davin, Psy.D., a therapist from New York City, says, “It’s critical parents provide emotional space for their children to express how they’re doing so they not only feel safe but also understood.”

Having children read age-appropriate books about moving and handling change and calling on a therapist or child psychologist can help.

2. Make moving day as low-stress as possible.

Moving day won’t come without stress. That said, as a parent, you set the tone. “Children take their cues from their parents, so a parent’s ability to manage stress is key,” says Davin. If you’re pessimistic, your children will notice. They may then have trouble adjusting. Davin suggests parents talk with their kids beforehand. “The day doesn’t have to be stress-free. But talking to children before a big move about what would help them feel less stressed is wise. You want children to feel they’re part of the process and recognize you’re all in it together and still a family.”

Other ways to decrease stress on moving day include making sure you and your children are well-rested and well-fed. Also, keep a box of your children’s favorite possessions nearby and all in one place, so they’re readily available for the first night in their new environment.

Consider sending your children to their grandparents’ house or with another relative or friend for moving day and maybe a few days after it. With the kids away from the chaos, you’ll be better able to prepare your home for a peaceful transition.

3. Let your children decorate their room.

Your children should feel like the new house is their home, too. That’s especially true of their bedroom. Denise Allen, a Washington State-based organizational expert and the owner of Simplify Experts, recommends parents give children input in setting up their new space. “Allow them to feel like they have some ownership of the space and that it doesn’t just feel like a guest room.”

By letting kids decorate, it’ll feel like their personal space sooner. They’ll grow attached more quickly because they’ll feel personally invested. They may likewise gain a sense of control over their environment where it might’ve been lacking before. Not to mention, Allen says, “Parents will have more buy-in for the maintenance of the space if kids are proud of it.” Allen suggests parents be mindful of the activities that will take place in that area. Parents should consider whether kids will be studying in their room and if the setup plays well into their learning st‌yle. For example, is the lighting adequate for doing homework?

4. Establish a routine for your children.

Changing homes threatens stability, making it critical for parents to establish a routine as soon as possible for their children, even if it’s a new one. Kids want to know what’s around the bend. “Starting them off with a bit less stress will help them feel good and empowered,” says Davin.

A routine preoccupies children. It prevents them from fixating on unsettling events, keeping them grounded in the present and looking to the future. Dinner is at six o’clock, bedtime at eight. It also puts transitions into bite-sized pieces, which kids can manage. As they see that what you predict happens, they’ll worry less another change will come out of nowhere.

5. Keep the new space orderly.

Related to creating a routine for your family, especially children, is keeping your new space in order. Allen says, “A calm living environment offers a great sense of control and a place for the brain to relax.”

Moving also provides an excellent and often welcome opportunity to purge possessions that have been weighing you down. Children, even younger ones, can benefit from a purge and reorganization of their toys, games, and books. With clutter gone, kids can focus on the items that make them happy. Plus, they have room to put their stamp on the new space, making it their own.

As for moving forward, Allen says maintenance is critical. “Simple organizational systems are key, and the more visual they are, the better.”

6. Give kids time and space to adjust to their new home.

Divorced parents may want their children to immediately accept the new home, seeing it as a sign they’re coming to terms with the divorce. But just as you need to get used to your situation, your kids will, too. Davin says, “Thinking they should adjust in a certain way by a certain time puts pressure on children and can make them feel like something is wrong with them.” Instead, she recommends parents do check-ins and ask their kids what they need and how they’re doing while still giving them time and privacy to figure things out.

But more than anything, Davin says, “Let your kids know you’re around for them whenever they need you. It’s the people who live in a house, not the house itself, that make a home.”

RELATED:
Thinking about Divorce? Here are 10 Things Every Wife Should Know
5 Tips for Moms Dealing with Divorce
You’ve Got This: How to Find Support Before, During & After Divorce

Elise Buie, Esq. is a Seattle-based family and divorce lawyer and founder of ​Elise Buie Family Law Group​. A champion for maintaining civility throughout the divorce process, Elise advocates for her clients and the best interests of their children, helping them move forward with dignity and strength.

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Is it Postpartum Depression or Just ‘Baby Blues’?

By Dr. Alan Lindemann

As the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) tells us, it’s not uncommon for women to experience feelings of sadness or even depression after giving birth, but how can you tell if what you’re going through is actually postpartum depression?

Let’s take a closer look at what so many women go through to help you better understand what you are experiencing, or may experience. And please, if you have any feelings of depression after giving birth, call your doctor right away so someone can monitor you and ensure your health and safety.

What Are “Baby Blues”?

The normal bouts of sadness that occur for 70–80% of women after giving birth are what the ACOG calls “baby blues.” The best way to think about this is to understand that your body and your way of life are both undergoing marked shifts during this period of time. This is all very normal, and very necessary.

Your body is adjusting physically (including hormonally) as you go from having your baby in the womb to caring for your baby out in the world. Growing a baby and lactating to feed a baby call on your body to perform different functions, so you can see that it is only natural that your body is undergoing some major changes.

This time after birth (and for as long as you are lactating) is certainly different from being pregnant, but it is also not back to your pre-pregnancy “normal”; it is its own new state of being, and you are adjusting to that.

During all this shifting and adjusting, it is natural for women to experience some initial sadness and difficulty caring for their newborn. According to the ACOG, these “baby blues” typically resolve on their own within a few weeks. However, if feelings of sadness or depression persist, you may be dealing with postpartum depression.

5 Signs You May Have Postpartum Depression

Many new mothers don’t even realize that they are depressed. That’s why it is a good idea to have a partner or other support person commit to checking in on you and watching for the signs of postpartum depression. If you do find that you are suffering from any of these signs or symptoms—particularly if you are several weeks past giving birth—seek medical attention as soon as possible. If you are unable to get an appointment with your physician, try your community hotlines for depression.

In the first year after birth, an estimated one in seven American women experience postpartum depression. As discussed above, “baby blues” affect up to 80% of women and can often last for a couple of weeks. If these feelings don’t resolve on their own, though, you may be facing postpartum depression. According to the ACOG, “baby blues” stretching out for 8–10 weeks after birth indicates the postpartum depression condition.

Here are some of the most common signs that you are likely suffering from postpartum depression:

1. Overwhelming feelings of sadness.
2. Feeling fatigued, like you can’t get anything done.
3. Feeling unmotivated to care for yourself or your baby.
4. Having trouble breastfeeding your baby.
5. Feelings of guilt for believing you’re not a good parent.

When postpartum depression is not addressed, new mothers sometimes deal with suicidal ideation and can become a very real suicide risk. Furthermore, when the depression continues to deepen from lack of treatment, the mother can enter the stage of postpartum psychosis. In this doubly dangerous state, the lives of both the mother and her children are at risk.

If you or someone you love shows signs of postpartum depression, contact their doctor right away to secure appropriate treatment. There is no shame in suffering from this condition. It is more common than you think. As common as it is, however, it must be attended to promptly so that mother, baby, and other children are safe.

If you are reading this prior to giving birth, touch base with your obstetrician now to establish a connection with their preferred psychiatric referral. If you have already given birth and are in need, call right away and be prepared to be connected with a counselor in case it takes some time to secure a psychiatric appointment.

The key here is twofold: awareness, then action. If pregnant women and their support people make themselves aware of the signs and necessary actions to address postpartum depression, mothers, fathers, and their children will be safe.

RELATED:
What You Need to Know about Postpartum
5 Ways Lockdown Is like Postpartum
Don’t Ignore These Signs of Postpartum Depression
 

Dr. Alan Lindemann
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

An obstetrician and maternal mortality expert, “Rural Doc” Alan Lindemann, M.D. teaches women and families how to create the outcomes they want for their own health and pregnancy. In nearly 40 years of practice, he has delivered around 6,000 babies and achieved a maternal mortality rate of zero! Visit LindemannMD.com

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Dear White Allies

By Natalie Fuertes

Photo: istock

It’s been over a week since the murder of George Floyd. Are you tired? I’ve seen a lot of you say that the weight of the nation is exhausting right now—the anger, the sadness, the confusion, the constant news updates. The fear that you’re going to say or do something wrong sits heavy on your chest. I ask you to sit with that weight, that exhaustion, that vulnerability. It’s so important to do so now more than ever. Why? Because that’s the weight that our black community has been carrying alone for decades. It’s time to carry that burden with them.

The way that you’re questioning every move you make, every word you say, is what POC have to do every day. Those little things build up. Do you text your friend the night before a job interview to ask them if you should straighten your hair because you’re afraid you won’t get the job if you wear it natural? Do you hide your bottle of water before you walk into a store because you’re afraid they’ll think you stole it? Have you ever had to talk to your kids about what to do if they ever get arrested? And those are just the small, everyday things. But they build up.

I’m probably in the minority when I say this, but now is the time for uplifting, hopeful messages. I’m seeing a lot of you say, “We need some goodness in our lives right now.” And while it’s good for everyone’s mental health to carve out some moments of peace for yourself, so that you can smile even just for a second, it’s important that we sit in the hurt, discomfort, and overwhelm right now. Why? Because if we don’t, then this fire that we all feel right now is just going to burn out. We’re going to go back to our everyday lives after a few days of posting meaningful quotes and this will just be another protest that goes nowhere. We owe it to the black community to feel uncomfortable right now.

So I encourage you to spend some time in the dark. In the hurt. In the pain. In the confusion. In the sadness. In the anger.

Natalie Fuertes is the owner of Industry Gymnastics, a gymnastics facility in NYC that focuses on creating a space that is welcoming to all children, regardless of race, gender identity, or sexual-orientation. She is a proud Nuyorican, racial justice advocate, wife, and mama of two. 

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5 Things Every Special Needs Parent Should Hear

By Tabitha Cabrera

Are you walking into a new world of special needs parenting for the first time? Are you a few years in and finding things hard to manage right now? Or are you the parent who has walked this path and is now looking ahead at what services are there for your child’s future? Here are some gems of advice that I have received from others who have walked this path alongside me and before me—plus some of my own.

1. Advocacy can come in many forms.
If you are the loud and proud mama or papa bear walking into an IEP meeting or evaluation asking all the questions and expecting answers, that is the perfect way to do it. If you are the parent who is searching the internet looking for all the studies and best practices to be prepared to walk into each meeting with statistics and sites behind you, that is wonderful. If you are a quiet parent finding their voice behind the forms, appointments, and recommendations who reach out to others for support, it is just right to bring those voices with you.

What I have learned along the way from others is you can have a combination of these advocacy approaches at different times when different emotions are flowing. No matter how you lift yourself up and fight the good fight, that is what is right for today.

2. Talking about all the feelings that come with parenting is ok.
As parents, we often feel that speaking about the dark and hard is shameful. Others aren’t feeling the way you are because you haven’t had someone open up to you about it yet. We sit in feelings of guilt, sorrow, sadness, feelings of failure, and overwhelming tasks. These feelings do not overshadow the joy, love, happiness, and bliss that comes with parenting, so it is ok to talk about them.

Not only is parenting a challenge on some days, but special needs parenting comes with so many additional challenges. I never wanted to feel lost in the what-ifs, hows, or whys but it is natural to feel that way at certain points. The commercial idea of parenting found in parenting magazines can feel defeating and unrealistic. Please share your story with others because there for sure is a parent sitting behind a closed door waiting to hear that they are not alone.

3. Take in the wins, celebrate each accomplishment, and honor the hard work.
As special needs parents, we sit with therapists, teachers, and even family members as they highlight the perceived deficiencies in our children. We watch each minute of practice and hard work to hold a fork, brush teeth, recognize words, speak a sentence, communicate needs, and so much more. Our family circles in the celebration with each accomplishment to fight off the mountain of forms, saying that our children might be able to accomplish these things. We shout with joy because these are the true heartfelt moments of parenting magnified by time waited and hours practiced.

Not only do we honor the hard work, but we absorb it as our own accomplishment alongside our children, because what parent doesn’t feel pride when celebrating their child’s accomplishments. Autism has given us the ability to slow things down, to watch the accomplishments that others take for granted, and circle our children in celebration.

4. Have a “tap out” word or phrase.
When you are feeling at your brink, when the noise is too much, when the systems are too much, and when you can imagine your feelings pouring out of your body onto the floor in front of you, have a tap-out word. Ask for help sometimes; it’s ok to say today has been too much, I need to go to bed early, I need to take a walk, or I need to eat a mountain of cake alone in the dark in my pajamas (this may be directly from my own experience).

Special needs parents are human, we all have our moments where we need to just tap out. If you have a person who can do that for you in your life, don’t let the feelings of guilt come along with it. By taking a break, you are honoring not only yourself but your family, too. The fresh perspective you will come back to parenting with after a break might be just what you need to shift the energy around you.

5. Watch, learn, and grow.
From the one and only Busta Rhymes, “If you don’t know, now you know.” Every day we are learning from our experiences. What is behind us shapes where we are headed. Learn as much as you can from your children. Take them in as much as possible. Even if they are in a dumping stage and everything from a bowl or plate lands on the floor, rub it into the carpet with them sometimes. I knew nothing about autism before our children’s diagnoses. I didn’t know the correct terminology, what was offensive to others, or what therapy would work best for them. I am still learning all the ins and outs of this world, and I am grateful for all the information out there. I am growing as a person and I hope to take in as many perspectives as possible.

Tabitha Cabrera, lives in Arizona with her husband, and two beautiful children. She works as an Attorney and enjoys spending her time in a public service role. The family loves nature and ventures outdoors as much possible. Come check out her little nature babies

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Failure to Thrive

By Cheryl Gottlieb Boxer

Photo: Cheryl Gottlieb Boxer

Recently I was going through some old papers in an effort to tidy up, and I came across a page from my son’s infant feeding log. This piece of paper was 22 years old, but seeing it still felt like a punch to my stomach.

Born six weeks early after a harrowing pregnancy, our son’s earliest days and weeks were filled with sadness, anxiety and desperation.

We literally fed that child around the clock, yet he would not gain weight. We tried breastfeeding, then formula feeding, then a variety of foul-smelling predigested formulas. Every ounce consumed was carefully logged. Everything that exited his body was meticulously noted.

There were doctor’s appointments, specialist referrals, blood tests and x-rays. I’d feed him before each weigh-in at the pediatrician’s office, and pray he wouldn’t poop just so he’d be an ounce or two heavier than he was the week before.

That scale became my greatest foe, and I hated it with a passion.

Yet nothing we did worked, and our son’s weight continued to falter. Until all we were left with was a hospital admission, and three ugly words: “Failure to Thrive.”

“Failure to Thrive” is a cruel diagnosis. It felt as much like a condemnation of my mothering as it was evident that something was wrong with my child. He was the one not meeting the goals on the growth chart, but I felt like the one who was not measuring up.

Well, all I can say is twenty-two years later, those dark days are a distant memory. That diagnosis did not define me as a mother, and it most certainly did not define my son.

Twenty-two years later, he is living his best life and is most assuredly not failing at thriving.

Twenty-two years later, “failure to thrive” is a boosted board-riding, roller coaster-loving, wants to jump from an airplane one day, thrill-seeking adventurer, who keeps his mom on her toes and her heart in her throat.

Twenty-two years later, “failure to thrive” is a deep voice and an even deeper soul who plays “Livin’ on a Prayer” on his guitar just because his mom loves it and sings on stage and loves the crowd and belts out a tune slightly off-key.

Twenty-two years later, “failure to thrive” is a meat-loving, raw fish-consuming, midnight snacker who wakes up in the morning and asks “What’s for dinner?”

Twenty-two years later, “failure to thrive” is a heart of gold who loves his grandma and teaches senior citizens how to use technology and plays with babies and is loved by ALL the dogs.

Twenty-two years later, “failure to thrive” offers the strongest hugs that lift me off my feet and melt my heart and make a mom wish this moment could last forever.

Twenty-two years later, “failure to thrive” is a college student too far away, missed by his sister and adored by his parents, finding his way, making the grade, reimagining the world, leaping with faith.

Thriving.

This post originally appeared on No Sick Days For Mom.
Feature image via iStock
Cheryl Gottlieb Boxer
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Cheryl is the creator of the popular blog, No Sick Days For Mom, where she offers encouragement and support to moms muddling through marriage, motherhood, chronic illness and the empty nest. Cheryl resides in New Jersey where she micromanages her tolerant husband, her geriatric cockapoo and her two mostly grown children. 

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5 Ways to Support Your Little Perfectionist

By Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen

Do you know that voice inside your head that says you “messed up,” or you “aren’t good enough?” Maybe it says other not-so-kind things, too. Most of us are familiar with the experience of having a voice inside that can be hard on us—this can be called “our inner critic.”

Adults and children alike can experience an internal battle with our inner critic. Sometimes our inner critics can get very loud, leading to feelings of anxiety, guilt or shame. Most of us don’t love feeling guilt or shame so we find strategies to avoid these feelings. One of these strategies is perfectionism. Perfectionism is when parts of us want things to be just right in order to avoid some type of negative outcome. Sometimes what we are trying to avoid is internal self-blame, other times it’s criticism or blame from others. Still, other times it’s because we are trying to avoid the disappointment of things not going as we had planned.

Perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. As we work to be perfect in an “imperfect” world, we are bound to hit some challenges along the way. Here are some signs of perfectionism:

  • Feeling badly about something unless over 100% effort is given

  • Difficulty starting tasks

  • Procrastination

  • Avoiding situations that could end in failure

  • Being highly critical of one’s self

  • Difficulty coping with making mistakes

  • Struggling with shame/embarrassment

  • Struggling with self-doubt

  • Struggling with appearing vulnerable

  • Focusing strongly on outcomes or end-results

The signs above can apply to both children and adults. Do you see any that you recognize? Sometimes it can be hard to pick up on perfectionistic tendencies in young children. Younger children may show perfectionism less verbally, and more in how they behave in certain situations. For instance:

  • Having frequent meltdowns when they make a mistake

  • Expressing embarrassment or shame when they get hurt

  • Working hard to avoid disappointing others

  • Struggling with making choices

  • Avoiding trying new things or starting tasks

  • Constantly asking for adult help for tasks they are able to do themselves.

To be clear these signs need to be taken into context as there are other reasons children may show these behaviors, but it can be helpful to begin to notice what is triggering to each child. If it seems like it may be along with the themes of “making mistakes” or having things be “just so,” perfectionism may be what you are seeing. If we notice these things early, we can start to support children to learn self-acceptance.

So what can you do if you notice a child struggling with perfectionism or their own inner-critic? Moving towards self-acceptance can help find ways of welcoming all parts of us, just the way they are. Try some of these ideas for supporting self-acceptance at home:

Here are some ideas for supporting perfectionist kiddos at home:

1. Celebrate strengths. Even perfectionism has its positive sides. Make sure your child understands that you appreciate them just the way they are.

2. Model positive self-talk. When you make a mistake, watch what you say to yourself. Model for your child how to be kind to yourself even when you mess up.

3. Welcome all feelings. When we welcome anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between we send the message that being human is okay! Sometimes we aren’t at our best or say things in anger, and we can work through those things.

4. Teach Repair. Sometimes shame and self-criticism can be strong for children because they don’t know “how to make it right.” Let your children know that there is always something we can try to do to make it right.

5. Try open-ended games and art. Try offering games, activities, and opportunities that don’t just have one right answer. This openness can take the pressure off and allow for more creativity, joy and relaxation throughout the day.

For even more support in tackling perfectionism, introduce Yak, a new Slumberkins creature whose story teaches the concepts of self-acceptance, perfectionism and perseverance by reminding little ones that they are enough, just as they are. Reading Yak’s book with your little one and practicing the self-acceptance affirmation can help your child take risks and understand that it’s okay to not be perfect at something the first time they try it.

This post originally appeared on www.slumberkins.com.
Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world. 

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