Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleJune 19, 2016

From the soccer carpool to the never-ending assortment of mismatched socks, sometimes there are days when you’ve only got a few seconds (or 140 characters) to get in a good giggle. Well, sit back and get ready to scroll because we’ve scoured the Twitterverse for moms and dads that rap about the highs and lows of parenting, and the results are hilarious.

1. Let’s get this over with!

4-year-old: I can't wait to start school.

Me: Why?

4: So I can be done with school.

She gets it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2016

2. Livin’ the life!

Went out for drinks with a bunch of other moms. Home by 11pm.

This is as wild as parenting gets, folks.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 19, 2016

3. We pick our battles.

https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/766037161439354881

4. Winning!

The advantage to taking your 1.5 year old twins to Target on a Sunday is that you can look like total hell and people still treat you nice.

— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) August 15, 2016

5. Totally.

Parents dropping off their kids on the #FirstDayOfSchool like … https://t.co/98xqbIBsy8

— 𝗧𝗥𝗢𝗬 𝗛𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗘𝗦 (@TommySledge) August 22, 2016

6. Wise words

He who controls the Goldfish crackers, controls the children.

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 16, 2016

7. Totally.

Trynna keep my life together like pic.twitter.com/lHvgXIk64X

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 16, 2016

8. Did you know what a kinder egg was, before kids?

+ What’s it like being a dad?
– Ever watch a 26 minute video of trains going by?
+ Is that a metaphor?
– Not a metaphor.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) August 19, 2016

9. What’s your vote?

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 16, 2016

10.*Applause from crowd*

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it's 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled "FINE THEN, I'M GOING TO BED!" So you be the judge.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 18, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community?

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleJune 15, 2016

1. FREEDOM…to fall asleep on the couch in 10 minutes.

Me crossing the kitchen to pour my wine after I finally get all the kids to sleep. pic.twitter.com/G8BkEKXIP1

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 11, 2016

2. How dare you!

https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/762985903434395648?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

3. SOOOO 1990.

almost ran over 4 children playing hacky sack at night on a pitch dark street. Parents: please tell your kids that hacky sack is for losers

— chuuch (@ch000ch) August 13, 2016

4. Chug! Chug! Chug!

In a minute. I only need 17 more cups of coffee.

— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) August 12, 2016

5. But, Speedos…

When your husband tells you to stop watching the male swimmers so hard. pic.twitter.com/Hb7hNRNY5n

— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) August 10, 2016

6. Yeah, Griffin!

Some kid at daycare called me out because my 4yo is wearing the same clothes as yesterday. NOBODY IS PERFECT, GRIFFIN. BACK OFF.

— The Dad (@thedad) August 11, 2016

7. Only one person can win this, and it probably ain’t you.

https://twitter.com/asheehanfittan1/status/765141507686957056

8. The hidden perks!

Being a parent means never having to explain why you're…

-late
-tired
-stressed
-locked in the closet with a bottle of wine

ever again.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) August 13, 2016

9. Note takin’.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 12, 2016

10. We all do it, right?

Me: Kids don't ever break the law but help me hide this candy from the dollar store in my purse so we don't have to buy it at the movies.

— Mrs. Sordahl Needs Coffee (@MrsSordie) August 14, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleJune 5, 2016

1. Seriously, that would be *so* helpful.

Hospitals should really send a nurse home with new moms, just to help out, not forever but maybe for the first 18 years or so.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 3, 2016

2. We need this!

Where's the selfie filter that hides the fact that I have kids, don't sleep, drink excessive amounts of caffeine and have basically given up

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) August 1, 2016

3. This is the worst.

https://twitter.com/Gooooats/status/761064343328874496

4. No! Not the Pokémon!

https://twitter.com/Mr_Kapowski/status/760662446591926272

5. How dare they!

wife: What's wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn't give me any brown crayons] Nothing

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 4, 2016

6. Kindergarten: It’s harder on parents than kids.

My wife was on the second page of the lunch note to our kindergartner when I reminded her she couldn't really read.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 1, 2016

7. Nice move.

Instead of white noise, I trained my kids to fall asleep to the sound of my quiet sobs as I beg them to go to sleep.

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 4, 2016

8. Well that wasn’t nice.

"Did somebody fart or are you making dinner?"

– my kids, being charming

— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) August 4, 2016

9. A mom can dream.

My kids went to bed later than normal which sounds like they will sleep later than normal but they won't because kids don't make sense.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) August 4, 2016

10. Ha!

"I'm done with my gum. What do I do with it?" My 6yo asks

"Give it to mommy" I say, solidifying my case for Husband of the Year

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 1, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community?

Hilarious Tweets That’ll Have You in Stitches

by Red TricycleMay 18, 2016

True dat.

https://twitter.com/TheGladStork/status/753038595565510656

2. Are you on it yet?

My son caught a Pokemon in our pig pen. I'm not kidding. #PokemonGo

— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) July 12, 2016

3. Sign us up!

"Let's start a book club!"

Translation:

"Let's leave our kids at home, drink 200 bottles of wine and not talk about the book at all!"

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) July 15, 2016

4. Literally.

https://twitter.com/moooooog35/status/753913049434693637

5. I’m not that old… really.

https://twitter.com/girlontapas/status/754079924626059264

6. You will never win.

https://twitter.com/philco816/status/753045038762909696

7. We totally get

When you become a parent, you are literally interrupted every

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) July 11, 2016

8. Silence can be deadly.

https://twitter.com/LetMeStart/status/752899508804153344

9. Fail.

There's always a day when kids realize their parents aren't superheroes. For my kids, it was the day they asked me to draw a horse for them.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 15, 2016

10. Right?

My kid can find super rare digital pokemons all over our town but not the shoes she was wearing 7 minutes ago.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 13, 2016

11. Cherish it while it lasts.

https://twitter.com/novicefather/status/753616929714163712

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleMay 11, 2016

1. Ugh, the worst.

Me: I can sleep in!

My cats: Is she nuts?
Birds outside my window: We'll see.
My brain: No way.
My bladder: Don't worry, guys. I got this.

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) July 10, 2016

2. Win!

Before I had kids, I didn't know I could drink a pot of coffee before 6am.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 6, 2016

3. LOL, Nice try.

My husband just came home with the keys to a brand new minivan and tried to hand them to me lol

— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) July 10, 2016

4. Does this ever happen to you?

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) July 9, 2016

5. Ugh.

Me: "Don't do that!"

Toddler: *Proceeds to do it anyway…*

Every. Damn. Day.

— CurrentlyCaprece (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 5, 2016

6. Ha! True for you?

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

— keith (@tchrquotes) July 10, 2016

7. Siblings.

Me: Did you hit your sister?

4-year-old: Yes.

Me: What do you need to tell her?

4: Don't touch my stuff again.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 11, 2016

8. Yep. BRB.

https://twitter.com/MommaUnfiltered/status/750335571646615552

9. Ha! Got ’em.

Son: Mom you look like you're 20 …
Me: Awwwww
Son: … thousand years old.

— Deva Dalporto (@mylifesuckers) July 11, 2016

10. NO!

If you were wondering, when your 4 year old asks you if she can cut her hair, there's a 100% chance it's because she already did.

— Courtney (@Discourt) July 6, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleApril 25, 2016

#MomLife

https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/756371916626223104?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

2. If Only…

I'm just a girl.
Standing in front of the refrigerator.
Asking for it to cook for her.

— Danielle Herzog (@danicounselor) July 21, 2016

3. True for you?

The first 3 years of parenthood is one long game of charades. The following years are bonus rounds in which your kids give riddles as clues.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 24, 2016

4. You don’t even know how true this is, kids.

6-year-old: We picked up all our toys!

Me: Wow. Why?

6: We pretended someone is coming to visit

Me: You’re playing this every day forever

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 24, 2016

5. So fresh n’ so clean!

https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/756998996359516160

6. #Tricks

"Go play outside!"

~Summer Break Translation~

"I JUST NEED 5 MINUTES ALONE TO SHOVE SOME COOKIES IN MY FACE, OK?"

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) July 23, 2016

7. Same.

I hate when I open the freezer too fast and a bunch of stuff falls out and I eat a pint of ice cream.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 20, 2016

8. But one can wish…

No problem, I'll just sit over here and wait patiently.
– said no kid ever

— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) July 19, 2016

9. Yet somehow we ended up with 5 accent pillows.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at Target like coming home from Target.

— Marl (@Marlebean) July 21, 2016

10. Same for you?

Sorting laundry when you have kids:

Whites
Lights
Brights
Stinky pee clothes
Darks
Jeans
Sheets
Old cereal bar wtf
Pool towels
Bath towe

— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) July 25, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleMarch 20, 2016

1. Built-in vacuum cleaner. Mic drop.

https://twitter.com/2questionable/status/732928673599344640

2. Same.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 16, 2016

3. We know, right?

Who needs friends when you have this much laundry to keep you company?

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 13, 2016

4. Common Core Math = ?!

Homework Time: Turning parents into day-drinkers since forever.

— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) May 17, 2016

5. Target is Life.

ME: We've got wine, beer, use any bathroom, oh & if u need to nurse-

TARGET MGR: Ma'am u can't host a party her-

ME: shhh. I live here now

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 20, 2016

6. You WILL have fun. Loads of fun.

Looking in the mirror, giving myself the "I can do this field trip" pep talk. pic.twitter.com/ipdErOb9J3

— Mrs. Sordahl Needs Coffee (@MrsSordie) May 19, 2016

7. Totally.

When people say "You haven't changed a bit!" I assume they mean I was wearing the same outfit the last time they saw me.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 18, 2016

8. Excellent point.

https://twitter.com/whopoopedthetub/status/733006513468379139

9. The new workout trend for parents

Just got done with a vigorous leg and ab workout*.

* Picking up the kids toys quickly so I could start drinking.

— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) May 20, 2016

10. #2!

https://twitter.com/LetMeStart/status/733497980557352960

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleMarch 6, 2016

1. Totally.

Buying new clothes for kids is like putting new clothes on a werewolf just before they transform.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 4, 2016

2. Such creativity!

I tried to get my 3yo interested in Star Wars, but her favorite character is now one she created: "The puppy who works at Star Wars."

— Mark Chalifoux (@markchalifoux) May 4, 2016

3. Sounds pretty accurate.

Parenting:

Me- *vacuums mini van*

Toddler- *drops muffin*

Repeat for 18 years

— Courtney (@Discourt) May 6, 2016

4. Naps: by whatever means necessary.

1
2
3
4
*kids run frantically*
5
6
7
*kids hide*
8
9
10
READY OR NOT, HERE I COME
*takes a nap*

— Marl (@Marlebean) May 5, 2016

5. Maybe not so sure.

https://twitter.com/sixfootcandy/status/728635174649405440

6. One of the best presents a mom can ask for…

I don't know what my husband is planning for Mother's Day but I sure hope it involves me sleeping all day.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 4, 2016

7. Why can’t they ask for something reasonable for once?

"No. Absolutely not. Nope. Forget it."
–Me, practicing, because my kids are coming home soon

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 6, 2016

8. No words.

https://twitter.com/RachRiot/status/728301209300258816

9. So THAT is where that went…

That's the rope from my robe my son is always stealing and I can never find- makes me crazy pic.twitter.com/PQKeuB7xCT

— Anna Faris (@AnnaFaris) May 4, 2016

10. TRUTH.

The reason I don't like Facebook's "memories" feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) May 3, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleFebruary 29, 2016

1. There can only be one.

I tossed a scrap of cooked meat on the ground for my dog.

My toddler pushed him aside and ate it.

She's the alpha of this pack.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2016

2. We’re running on 15%.

It's nice that this public restroom stall has a changing station but what would be really nice is a charging station.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 23, 2016

3. Right?

https://twitter.com/jergarl/status/725295890903126016

4. She’s a natural.

https://twitter.com/IMKristenBell/status/724409152877957120

5. And that’s how ya do it, parents.

https://twitter.com/LetMeStart/status/725444416719216643

6. When you need to set ’em straight…

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

— John Sarris (@iamjohnsarris) April 27, 2016

7. Nevermind.

Going out for a legit date night with my husband. No trips to Target or Lowe's. We're talking a restaurant with a dress code.

*kid pukes*

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 29, 2016

8. This is truly what she wants.

When you're at a red light and finally figure out what to get your wife for Mother's Day. pic.twitter.com/R7cO36sTj0

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 28, 2016

9. Ah, the lack of good graces.

There must be something so liberating about being a child and just picking your nose whenever the mood strikes you.

— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) April 29, 2016

10. The answer to, “How’s Baby Luna?”

https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/724294283201679360

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleFebruary 22, 2016

1. Cool name, bro.

https://twitter.com/ThaJawn/status/722149625705009153

2. Yep.

https://twitter.com/moooooog35/status/722937283708600320

3. So close, yet so far.

And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids
– Me, about this nap

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 21, 2016

4. All day, everyday.

a fun thing about being a parent is when people ask "where do you see yourself in 5 yrs?" you can confidently answer "folding laundry"

— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) April 18, 2016

5. *Sigh*

Me: What kind of cereal do you want?

5: I don't know what kinds we have. Maybe you should surround me with the boxes so I can choose.

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 16, 2016

6. YOLO

I'll drink a martini out of a sippy cup, IDGAF.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) April 20, 2016

7. Ha!

My kid told me that I breathe very loudly and I didn't even realize we had gotten married.

— ugh* (@heatherlou_) April 18, 2016

8. Time will get’cha.

I saw something was made in 2001 and thought "oh so it like just came out" and then cried because we're all old now.

— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 19, 2016

9. 3’s gotta point.

3-year-old: Why do you always carry the baby?

Me: She can't walk yet.

3: I think she's just lazy.

Busted.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2016

10. Oh please no, please!

That feeling when a cop pulls up behind you is what I feel when I hear a baby cry on TV after I put my baby to bed.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 22, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

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