It’s the eve of my 40th birthday. A good chunk of my friends have already reached this milestone. For some it’s been a huge blow out party, for others, a quiet dinner with family. Some have, at least on the outside, fully embraced it, while others simply want the day to pass.
Me?
I think I’m in a pretty good place.
No, really, I am.
Yes, in theory I’m now middle age, and yes, when I look back of pictures of me at 20 in a bikini a small piece of me pines for my rested eyes, my flat stomach, my wrinkle-free skin. But, if I had the chance, would I really want to switch places with 20 year old me? Surprisingly, no. And here’s why…
——–
20:
Freedom!
No Kids, No Mortgage…
No Money, balance or stability
40:
Freedom!
Yes there are kids tying us down to schedules, homework and school projects. But at 40, those kids are more independent. My husband and I can read a book or take a shower, or even sleep in. We can breathe again.
Those mortgage payments? They are creating a foundation for our family. Our home is a wellspring of experiences and memories; a place the grandchildren will come to visit one day.
At 40 we’ve bounced around between jobs or even a few careers a few times. We’ve learned from mistakes and failures, and the journey has made us wiser. We’ve saved some money and can afford the vacation, the tickets to Hamilton, the nice dinner out — the freedom to treat ourselves.
——-
20:
Self doubt (and lots of it!) In your 20’s, life is up in the air. What job should I get? Will I ever find “the one,” Does this shirt/dress/bathing suit look good on me? Will I have to move back in with my parents? They say those are the best days of our lives, but beware; nostalgia can cloud your memory.
40:
Self-acceptance! At 40 you either know what you want to be doing with your life, or you know enough about yourself to decide to make a change. More important — you know that no matter how many times a week you work out, or if you decide to omit gluten, or meat, or count points, or whatever, you’ll never have the body of a 20 year old again; you’ve birthed and nourished actual humans! You’ve scaled a mountain and have some healthy wear and tear to prove it.
If your body didn’t change, there would be something wrong with you. (Or your name would be Heidi Klum) You wear your skin with pride — and if you’re not totally at peace with it all quite yet, at least you know that you should be…
——-
20:
You think you know everything. With this ego-driven, self-centered perspective comes arrogance, impatience, and frustration.
40:
You realize you really don’t know a whole lot– and that’s OK. This new perspective allows you to see the world in a completely new and exciting way.
——-
20:
You want your life to just begin already! You’ve spent the last 20 years fighting for independence and waiting for “something” to happen. A a result, your mind is anywhere but the present.
40:
If you’re lucky at least one parent is still here to see your kids. Your kids are still living at home with you. You know this moment is fleeting– so you do your best to hold onto time. If you’ve lost a parent, or even a child, you realize that this moment in time is even more precious. You are, or are trying to be, more present.
——-
20:
It’s all about the destination. I’ll take this class or internship for my resume. I’ll wear this top to get his attention. I’ll pledge this sorority to get those friends. Every choice you make, consciously or subconsciously, is one step closer to the invisible finish line of adulthood. You have all the time in the world, but you don’t even realize it– you’re racing to a point that doesn’t exist.
40:
It’s all about the journey. As cliche as it is, at 40, you know there is no finish line, and if there is one, you’re definitely in no rush to reach it. Your choices at 40 are more self-reflective. How do I want to spend my days? What truly matters? When it’s all said and done, what will I have to look back on?
——-
So…
Sure, I’m older, but I’m also wiser. I’ve made some humbling mistakes and suffered losses that have left scars, but they’ve also made me stronger.
Some may see this point in time as being “half-way.” But I think those are the people who are still racing towards that invisible and elusive finish line. The way I see it is, we don’t know where that finish line is, so what’s the rush?
As George Harrison said, “We gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.”
We’re here.
We breathe in our children’ presence.
We appreciate our parents’ wisdom.
We love our partners because of all we’ve been through, and all we still hope to experience.
We’re here.
And there is no better place to be.
_____________
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I'm Missy, a mother of three and a middle school drama teacher at a private school. I'm obsessed with my Vizsla (dog), traveling, and the musical Hamilton. I also enjoy writing and sharing fun parenting stories, which is what brought me here.
“Being a teenager is so easy,” said no one ever. The tween and teen years can be difficult, as kids face topics and social situations that can dramatically affect their outlook and self-esteem. As parents, we strive to help our kids be the best they can be, but it’s a brave new world out there and finding but positive outside influences to help kids cope and comprehend isn’t always easy either.
Enter Melissa Hart’s Better with Books: 500 Diverse Books to Ignite Empathy and Encourage Self-Acceptance in Tweens and Teens. This is not just a list of great titles every kid should read (although we do think every kid should read all of these, and every grown up for that matter). Hart has carefully read and evaluated hundreds of books—500 to be exact—and chosen them as recommended reading for tweens and teens, categorized by important topics modern kids face.
Chapter topics include homelessness, immigration, adoption, body image, race, gender identity, mental health and more. Each chapter includes a thoughtful, personal essay from the author on why this topic was important to her to address.
Inspired by her experience with eh own daughter, Hart says:
“I really owe this one to my daughter, now in sixth grade. In her early years of grammar school, she struggled with anxiety related to loss and neglect—issues common to children adopted from the foster care system, and, in many cases, from international adoption situations. […] My daughter and I found, in studying a literary novel each month over two years, that our compassion for marginalized people and animals increased. As exciting, my child—who had struggled with severe anxiety and depression—began to develop a great deal of empathy for herself.”
If you’re looking to diversify your books at home, school or your local library, Melissa Hart just gave you marching orders. It’s up to you to fulfill them.
In honor of Mother’s Day, we’re putting the spotlight on 23 influential women/working moms in SoCal who inspire us with their vision, missions, products, service to the community, work ethic, imagination, strength, fortitude and more. From Vanessa Bryant to the mother at the helm of Dr. Seuss Enterprises, and the founder of Baby Tula to the founder of The Honest Kitchen, read on to be wowed by local moms who are changing the world for the better.
Vanessa Bryant recently experienced an unimaginable tragedy––yet she’s continuing a legacy to help others. Her husband, Lakers basketball legend Kobe Bryant, and daughter Gianna, died in a helicopter crash in January 2020. In the wake of their death, she has renamed Kobe Bryant's charity organization the Mamba & Mambacita Sports Foundation, honoring 13 year-old Gianna, whose nickname was Mambacita. The Foundation is focused on creating a positive impact through sports and aims to help kids in underprivileged communities develop learning skills, enhance character traits and expand personal values that empower and inspire self-confidence.
Susan Brandt, President of Dr. Seuss Enterprises, L.P.
Susan Brandt
Working alongside the visions of Dr. Seuss is something that would inspire any parent. For Susan Brandt, it’s all about sharing the wonder of Dr. Seuss’ world and making kids and their families happy. She loves bringing joy to kids, whether by introducing a new generation to Ted Geisel’s (Dr. Seuss's) wonderful stories and characters with books or by bringing families together to enjoy his films and television shows. Brandt is also the mother of two sons: Liam James, 19, and Aidan Patrick, 17. She enjoys spending time with her kids playing games and exercising together. She’s proud of having raised two boys as wonderful, caring and compassionate young adults.
Kathryn Cloward, Founder and CEO of Kandon Unlimited, Inc.
Kathryn Cloward
Kathryn Cloward, also known as “Kathryn the Grape," wears many hats. Cloward is an award-winning book series author, performing songwriter, media publisher and producer, director, entrepreneur and mother. She founded her award-winning media company, Kandon Unlimited, Inc., in 2010 to independently publish the series of children’s books she wrote featuring “Kathryn the Grape®.” Since then, Kandon Unlimited has expanded to become a full spectrum media publishing and production company. Cloward admits that she is inspired daily by her 13 year-old son, Landon, as well as ordinary, everyday moments. As a parent, she tries to be mindful about not over-scheduling, and enjoying spending time simply being together. Aside from Landon being her greatest pride and joy, Cloward is extremely proud of the positive impact she has made through her books and songs.
Shanna Nelson, President, Jazzercise, Inc.
Shanna Nelson
Shanna Nelson is inspired that the work Jazzercise does helps people lead healthier and happier lives, and she witnesses this in every class they teach. As president of the company, Nelson loves that Jazzercise has provided thousands of opportunities for women business owners through their franchises. “I feel really lucky that I get to not only oversee the business and programming side, but also teach the program myself as I’ve been an instructor since I was 18!” said Nelson. She is also a mother of two daughters: Skyla, 17 and Sienna, 14. Now that her daughters are older, she can see how they value education, being kind to people, their strong values and morals, and she takes a deep breath and thinks all the hard work, sitting through homework, conversations and “being there” for them has paid off.
Ula Tuszewicka, Founder and President, Baby Tula
Baby Tula
Baby Tula was born out of a practical need. After Ula Tuszewicka’s daughter, Amelia, was born, she and her husband, Mike, wore her predominantly in a sling and loved how convenient babywearing was for both parents. When their son was born a few years later, they discovered the ease of ergonomic carriers. After trying several that didn’t quite work, they asked a family member to sew one for their specifications and it was perfect. Ula and Mike continued to make baby carriers for family and friends. They eventually turned the passion project into a business and created Baby Tula in order to fulfill their mission to promote babywearing worldwide. Ula oversees the company, while also being a mom to three kids!
Lucy Postins, Founder and President of The Honest Kitchen
Lucy Postins
Although she's the founder and president of The Honest Kitchen, Lucy Postins didn’t start with the goal of creating a pet food company. In 2002, in an effort to help her Rhodesian Ridgeback, Mosi, with ear infections and skin problems, Postins started mixing up fresh ingredients in her kitchen to create a raw food diet. When she saw how much Mosi’s health improved on the new recipes, Postins realized she could help other pets as well, andThe Honest Kitchen was born. All the ingredients are human grade, minimally processed, organic when possible, sustainable and the end product is a labor of love. She oversees company operations while still making time to be a mother to her children.
Lynne Banach, Founder and Creative Director, Sakura Bloom
Sakura Bloom
Lynne Banach is proud of being a small business owner that makes her products right in their San Diego studio. The mission of Sakura Bloom is to simplify and beautify modern parenting through the use of baby carriers made out of exquisite natural fibers, including organic Irish linens, Indian dupioni silks and southeast Asian wild silks. The hand-crafted artisan baby slings are designed for infants all the way up to 45-pound toddlers. Banach partners with local artisans and family run businesses like hers that share the same values and goals. When she’s not brainstorming new ideas and implementing them, she spends her time as mom to her two children, Teja and Jai.
Judy Forrester, CEO of The New Children's Museum
Judy Forrester
Judy Forrester joined The New Children’s Museum in 2015 to lead one of San Diego’s most unique educational and artistic institutions, while establishing a sustainable business model for the museum. She will be leaving her position this summer after significant accomplishments to the downtown mainstay. Museum attendance has grown more than 40 percent on her watch. They’ve also grown their program and exhibition space, increased the budget, and because of a community outreach expansion program, 25 percent of attendees visit the museum for free or significantly reduced cost. Forrester achieved all this while also being a mother to three children.
Juliana Flores, Owner of Pachis Art Studio
Juliana Flores
Juliana Flores started Pachis Art Studio as a brick-and-mortar store with a single mission: to support the healthy development of art in kids. Unlike other art programs, Pachis is focused on teaching kids life skills through art making and exploration, with curriculum designed with important elements for a little one’s personal development. Recently, she transitioned to an online forum and sells art kits to foster creativity. Juliana and her husband, Cesar, moved to San Diego from Tijuana, Baja California in 2009. They now live in Linda Vista with their 3 year-old and newborn daughters. Juliana believes having a business geared towards kids has helped her tremendously to create a balance between being a business owner and mom. When she’s not working, she enjoys going to the beach and picnics, doing art and having deep conversations with her little one.
Christy Heiskala, Victim Advocate
Christy Heiskala
Christy Heiskala gave up a long and lucrative career to start anew, teaching child sexual abuse prevention and advocating for victims. As a victim advocate, this La Mesa mom helps parents navigate the very complicated process if their child has been a victim of negligence or abuse. She is also a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for kids whose parents are going through dependency court. Her passion grew out of advocating for the conviction of a local teacher who was molesting his second and third grade students for seven years. Christy worked tirelessly to assure the instructor had his teaching credential revoked, ensuring countless kids be spared. Christy lives in La Mesa with her husband, biological daughter (Jaiden); step-daughter (Kaya); and step-son (Lee).
Shannon Higgins, Founder of Studio Barre
Shannon Higgins
Shannon Higgins, a South Carlsbad mom of three, is a true warrior. She merged her passion of fitness and business to create Studio Barre, a national ballet barre-based workout studio and franchise. She’s also extremely proud to be a breast cancer survivor after undergoing chemotherapy and two surgeries. While Shannon credits the doctors for treating her, she is happy she never let the disease get her down and that she was able to keep her family life as normal as possible. She also started a blog to educate and share her journey. Shannon opened her first Studio Barre studio when her youngest son, Joey, started kindergarten with the vision of creating a “happy place” for women to not only workout, but also hang out.
Carly Garrett, Teacher and Girl Scout Troop Leader
Carly Garrett
Carly Garrett wears many hats. This Western La Mesa/Rolando mom of two (Ethan and Maddie) is a teacher of a continuation high school. She spends her days helping students in danger of being high school dropouts, a job in which she was named District Teacher of the Year. She also started the Palomar Scholarship Foundation, a non-profit organization that provides financial assistance to kids from her high school who are often the first in their families to go to college. However, her proudest “hat” is serving as the leader of Girl Scout Troop 6190 of La Mesa for nine years and counting. Carly admits being a part of the 17 Girl Scouts’ lives is one of the greatest honors of her life. They do thousands of hours of community service and five of her troop members earned the Presidential Volunteer Service Medal from President Obama in the past two years. Carly likes to remind people to buy cookies from the older girls (other than the younger girls) because “big girls” have big dreams and goals too.
Cathy Nguyen, Health Educator at California State University, San Marcos
Cathy Nguyen
For more than 20 years, Cathy Nguyen has been educating, advocating and empowering college students to lead healthy lifestyles and make responsible choices through various health promotion programs. She also volunteers as a sexual assault response team (SART) advocate for Center for Community Solutions, a non-profit that operates the only rape crisis center in the city of San Diego along with a countywide 24-hour bilingual crisis helpline. This San Marcos mom has two kids: Tristan and Kaitlyn, both of whom are budding entrepreneurs. In addition to working full time, volunteering and being a mom and wife, Cathy is the co-founder of several online businesses that distribute to Amazon. She and her family are big Disney fans and are working on their goal of visiting all the Disneyland parks in the world. So far, they’ve visited four out of six parks, and are already planning their trips to the Shanghai and Hong Kong parks.
Michelle Lomelin, Founder of Sweet Petite Confections
Michelle Lomelin
Michelle Lomelin launched Sweet Petite Confections after leaving a two-decade career in fashion design. In her role as chocolatier and shop owner, Michelle creates and sells bonbons, meltaways, barks, salted caramels, custom chocolate business cards and ice cream, and teaches candy-making classes to families. Michelle lives in Bay Park with her two sons, Santiago and Kaleo, and started Sweet Petite Confections so she could make her own schedule, while being a mom and business owner at the same time. After overcoming the fear of “What if …” she’s launched a successful business, and at the same time, can attend field trips and teach art in her kids’ classrooms.
Jennifer Tandy, Owner/Founder of Nightingale Music Studios
Jennifer Tandy
Nightingale Music School was born out of Jennifer Tandy’s strengths in music and a love of kids. This former professional musical theater actress started with a small "mommy and me" music class out of her home, which turned into a successful business in the Bird Rock community that has served thousands of families in San Diego over the last 14 years. Jennifer also successfully launched satellite locations in South Park and La Mesa. Aside from her love of music, Jennifer is a strong advocate for public education and has advocated for her cluster of local schools. As a result of her advocacy, many schools have the strongest academic and enrichment programs in San Diego County. In turn, her work reshaping public schools has changed the community as well, and was recognized by being named the Honorary Mayor of Pacific Beach for the year 2014. When she’s not teaching music and running Nightingale, Jennifer enjoys camping trips or a National Park visits with her husband and three children. She credits her three children as her creative, musical inspiration.
Music Watson, Chief Communications Officer, San Diego County Office of Education
Music Watson
This Del Cerro mom is responsible for bringing classrooms into living rooms. As the Chief Communications Officer for San Diego County Office of Education, Music Watson is passionate about the power of public education to change the lives of individuals and whole families. She describes her job as using different media vehicles to help connect two audiences. The first is the 70 percent of California's voters who don't have kids in K-12 public schools, and the second are parents like Music whose daughter, Michaela, is in public school. Music credits her parents for helping her be successful in her career. “Until they retired, my dad was a blue collar worker and my mom was a school secretary,” said Music. “Neither of them earned a four-year college degree. I'm really proud of the hard work I put in––with their encouragement and support––that saw me through college and graduate school, and now to a successful career. I owe them a debt of gratitude for the decisions they made that led me to have access to high-quality education, and I'm proud of the fact that I pay that forward through my job.”
Salina Yoon, Author and Illustrator
Salina Yoon
Salina Yoon is an award-winning and bestselling author and illustrator of more than 160 books for kids. She travels to book festivals, conferences, bookstores, and schools all around the country to share her books and inspire the love of reading and writing and literacy. While her “Penguin” picture book series has been the most popular, she is most proud of the book “Be A Friend,” which celebrates individuality, encourages self-acceptance and promotes kindness and friendship. One of Salina’s proudest accomplishments is something that many moms can relate to. As a work-at-home mom, Salina was always sharing her creative space with family. So one day, she claimed a room and made it her own personal reading and writing space. She encourages all moms to claim a space of their own in their home. Salina lives in the San Elijo Hills community of San Marcos with her husband Chris Polentz (also an artist), and their two sons, Max and Mason. She has yet to outgrow her love of reading to her sons before bedtime.
Leng Caloh, Former Technology and Innovation Manager at KPBS
Leng Caloh
Aside from spending time with PBS characters like Daniel Tiger, Leng Caloh’s career can be described as bringing technology and people together in ways that educate and inspire — whether it’s technology for public use, or technology to help KPBS public broadcast staff better serve the public. Leng made an unexpected name for herself in 2007 when she led the KPBS web team in covering the October 2007 wildfires online, using Twitter (back when hardly anyone knew what it was) and Google MyMaps (which was just a few months old at the time). While that was a challenging week for everyone in San Diego, both professionally and personally (Leng hardly saw her toddler daughter), it changed the course of her career, and started KPBS on the path towards converging its radio, television and web news coverage. Personally, this Bonita mom is proud of her decision to have a home birth VBAC with her second daughter, after her first was born breech in a planned caesarian. Leng and her wife are proud parents of three kids: Siddha, Ananda and Treonte.
Amy Cullinan, Scientist, STEM Advocate and Communications Professional
Amy Cullinan
Originally from the Midwest, Amy Cullinan describes herself as a scientist, turned communications professional, work-at-home mechanical engineer, who has been married ten years to a San Diego native. This Rancho San Diego mom has one daughter, Samantha, who is in the first grade. She currently manages social media for Illumina, a global biotechnology company headquartered in San Diego, and was previously a science and technical writer. Before that, she was a research scientist investigating viruses and the human immune system. Amy is moved by helping the next generation discover what they want to do, and is proud that she built the social media program from the ground up, for one of the smartest companies in the world. She loves spending time with her daughter, inspiring her to learn about science through “Science Sundays,” which Amy team-teaches through a group of like-minded friends.
Kristen Elgo, National Events Manager for PIRCH
Kristen Elgo
Kristen Elgo’s mom hat touches every aspect of her life. She’s a full-time working mom, Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts mom, soccer mom, running mom, and volunteers at her kids’ elementary school. This Mira Mesa mom is coming up on 14 years of marriage to her college sweetheart, Mike, and has two kiddos: Branden and Kaileigh, and two mini daschunds, Sumo and Geisha. She has what many consider a dream job: creating fun executive events in PIRCH showrooms designed to show off all the amazing products and features at the company. One of her proudest personal accomplishments has been running over the last four years, and competing in 12 half marathons and the full Rock and Roll Marathon. While waking up at 5 a.m. for a regular running group meet-up is early, she always feels fulfilled after the hour.
Amanda Bonds, Senior Program Manager at Words Alive
Amanda Bonds
Amanda Bond’s mission is simple: to bring reading and books to all kids. She is the Program Manager for Words Alive, a literacy non-profit leading a movement to make reading matter in San Diego. This Hillcrest mom to 2 year-old Starling is most proud of starting the organization’s Family Literacy Program that empowers parents from under-served communities with confidence, techniques and materials to feel confident reading with their kiddos. On a personal level, Amanda and her husband, Tony (both transplants from Austin, TX), have had Sunday dinner with the same group of friends nearly every week for more than five years. She has worked hard to establish her “framily” (friend-family) and truly believes in the importance of connection and developing a support-system for each other as parents. And they love coming up with new recipes and eating delicious dinners once a week for five years.
Amanda Allen, Attorney
Amanda Allen
Amanda Allen is a business and real estate attorney (with a specialty in working with breweries and wineries), and she launched Enrich, a co-working space for lawyers. This mom to 3 year-old Jasmine Jane has been practicing law for eight years and started her solo practice when Jas was only one. Amanda is extremely proud of launching Enrich. While it felt outside of her comfort zone to do, she’s happier about that professional accomplishment than any award she’s received. While Amanda is a successful attorney, business owner and mom, she’s committed to living a healthy lifestyle. She loves doing crossfit, and says working out has been her therapy and her rock. Amanda’s favorite thing to do with Jasmine is dance, and they can be seen busting moves in the car, bagel shop, gym and in the living room.
Maggie Unzueta, Chef and Writer, Mama Maggie's Kitchen
Maggie Unzueta
Maggie Unzeta is passionate about authentic Mexican food, and about preserving and promoting the richness of her culture through cuisine. She shares the true flavors of Mexico to the United States and the world through her blog, Mama Maggie’s Kitchen. Throughout her life, she’s lived in different parts of Mexico and has traveled to 22 of the 31 states in Mexico and sampled the unique foods of each region. She’s also mom to a 12 year-old son. With Mama Maggie's Kitchen turning 10 this year, she has been a work-from-home mother since he was a small kiddo. She’s extremely proud of her blog and how its grown and flourished over the years, and believes her son and family are her biggest accomplishments.
Sometimes my father sends me newspaper articles that align with my work as the coach of preteen girls. One morning his message seemed more urgent than usual. It began, “I listened to a radio show yesterday and found out that 90 percent of young girls have ‘little or no self esteem.’ I found that staggering!”
I understood why he was so concerned—90 percent does seem “staggering”—but I wasn’t shocked. Most girls I know fluctuate between feeling “alright” about themselves to feeling absolutely terribly. Very few girls exude confidence or have a strongly rooted sense of self-esteem. They depend more on outward indicators of accomplishment, achievement and accolades than on inward practices of self-love, confidence and self-acceptance. Why are girls evaluating themselves so harshly?
The world has changed. If you step back, you’ll see we are surrounded by constant comparisons and competition and girls often fall prey to society’s tough standards. Look at the influx of reality shows, such as The Voice or American Idol, which operate on the basis of multiple rounds of harsh judgment. There are no marks for effort or the willingness to try. How can girls watch these types of shows and not feel the pressure to perform and fit in, or worse yet, decide not to bother trying at all?
The same holds true at school: it’s a ranking system based not on effort and attitude but results. Think of it from her persepective: Is school grading her skill development and her process or merely her ability to perform well on tests? Can she be proud of her efforts even if she doesn’t get straight As?
Then, there is girls’ obsession with, even addiction to, social media. It’s how girls are spending their time—up to 8 hours a day—it’s how they are gauging their self-worth, and it’s nothing but a numbers game. How many likes and followers do I have? How many comments do I get for my posts? Which pictures get the most likes or hearts? Girls learn very quickly that popularity on social media is not about the quality of her character, but rather the quantity of her posts.
If you are as concerned as I am about girls’ plummeting self-esteem let’s look at how to bolster more compassionate and realistic attitudes through healthy practices.
Look within.
Instead of falling prey to the comparison game, encourage her to honor her own uniqueness. Explain to her that looking at others and feeling “not good enough” is normal, but can be easily avoided by shifting her focus to her unique qualities and abilities. Create a list of ideas that could follow the prompt, “I am good enough because…” or the positive power statements that begin, “I am…” “I can…” and “I will…”
I often ask my clients to create a list called “10 Loveable Qualities About Me.” These written reminders can guide her to accentuate the positive and remember who she is. Self-esteem begins with herself.
Measure self-esteem in new ways.
Since we know girls are measuring their worth via attention on social media, why not find new metrics? First, ask her to be self-reflective. Instead of waiting for the approval (or rejection of others), ask her this simple question: “How do YOU feel you did on your math test or at soccer practice today?” “What do YOU think about your posts on Instagram?” Encourage her to take back her power by considering her opinion first and caring much less (if at all) about the opinion of others.
Second, try helping her shift her focus from what she looks like to the qualities of the person she wants to be. Yes, it’s important that she takes care of her body as a way to feel good. It’s also important that she feels good in ways that have more to do with true, inner beauty and less to do with physical, outer beauty. Have conversations about the values she feels she has and the values she wants to exude. Write out these values on a poster board and start gathering “evidence” or examples that supports when she demonstrates these values. If she feels she is kind, then under the word “kind” list examples like when she saves a seat on the bus for her friend or gives away her recess snack to someone who forgot hers. This activity can quickly become her new measure of her self-esteem.
Diversify.
I know girls believe that they are honing a valuable skill when they are creating stories on Instagram or learning how to use different filters. We have to teach them that as useful as these technical skills are, there are so many more skills that she should be learning and developing. Ask her to consider a skill related to fitness, music, nature and time outside or volunteering. This way, not only are we helping her get off her screen to live in real time, but we are also encouraging her to be well-rounded and to give back to her community.
Try a little self-compassion.
The kindness we show to ourselves, especially in moments of suffering, is the key to self-compassion. We are all going to have good days and bad days—that is the human experience. Instead of emphasizing achievement and outcome, which can be discouraging, we can guide girls to champion themselves for their efforts and all the ways they feel they are growing, regardless of outcomes.
For example, she might have a difficult conversation with her friend about how that friend made her feel left out. If the friend replies with, “I don’t care,” she can feel devastated. It’s in this moment that we can point out that even though she didn’t get the response she was hoping for, the real takeaway is that she had the courage to face difficulty head on. With self-compassion, she can say “I am proud of myself for expressing my true feelings.” It’s about progress, not perfection. It’s about noticing and celebrating the steps along the way, with all the kindness she can give herself.
Girls admitting that they have “little to no self-esteem” is heart-breaking. Let’s work together on lowering that 90 percent! Even with a clearer understanding of themselves and increased levels of self-esteem, I know that words can still hurt and images will still influence, but I believe that with practice and with our support, girls can stand tall and stay rooted in their own confidence and self-worth.
I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy.
Get your kids hooked a new, exciting activity by trying out a kids yoga class
Family life is busy and full, so adding a little Zen with kids yoga classes is a welcome fitness avenue. From learning the art of yoga poses and meditation to improving self-esteem and encouraging mindfulness, we’ve found 10 San Diego studios that sprinkle some “Om” into your norm and get your kids enjoying something new. Find where you and your young yogis can learn to Namaste today.
Buddhi Yoga
Keep calm and carry Om at this bright and airy studio located above Lululemon in La Jolla. Buddhi Yoga offers a wide range of classes for the whole family. The Kids Yoga class is dedicated to children age 3-7 while Tween Yoga is offered to the older set. The younger kids learn breathing and relaxation techniques by using their imaginations to help them move from one pose to another. Older students learn techniques that teach mindfulness and resilience. Both classes focus on tuning into the body to improve self-esteem.
Littles or Kids? There are two different classes for Littles (ages 4-7) or Kids (ages 8-12) that include poses, games and animal sounds to make it fun for everyone. Even more, if you have a baby in tow, you can opt for the Baby and Me Yoga. There are also many different types of classes for grown-ups––and there's childcare too.
Drop-off your little yogi (ages 3-9) at the 45-minute My Kids class and let him/her learn basic poses, breathing and play yoga games. What's more, there are tons of community events to do with the family, for you (and teenagers too). You can choose from several experienced teachers and many different classes. You can even take a family class too.
Kids learn so much more than postures at Hapa Yoga. They learn how to stay focused and how to better handle stress through breathing. The class consists of 45 minutes of yoga and 15 minutes of free play, which includes singing, tumbling and interactive activities. You'll find many options for both adult and half-pint yoga classes.
Mission Valley Studio 4242 Camino Del Rio North San Diego, CA
Eastlake Studio 2334 Proctor Valley Rd., #101 Chula Vista, CA Online:hapayoga.com
Every pose is a child's pose at If I Was A Bird Yoga. The great thing about this studio is that it's solely focused on kids' yoga, so all classes are created with the purpose of supporting child development. Teachers take kiddos on an imaginative journey with a series of movements designed to capture a young yogis' interest and attention. Creative props and even an educational craft, which ties into the class theme, are all part of the fun.
Flower Hill Promenade Studio 2670 Via De La Valle, #A-125 Del Mar, CA
Liberty Station Studio 2590 Truxtun Rd. San Diego, CA Online:ifiwasabirdyoga.com
Taking yoga and the mind-body connection to a whole new level is Trilogy Sanctuary located in La Jolla. This gorgeous space offers a number of classes catering to kids ages 4-12. One of their specialties is aerial yoga, which features the use of silks suspended from the ceiling to give your child the feeling of safe weightless flight. On your way out be sure to stop in their organic, gluten-free, vegan restaurant so you get the full experience of what this holistic gem has to offer.
With a motto like PLAY, blossoming yogis have fun learning playful yoga poses, animated breathing exercises, and imaginative relaxing games in the Kids Yoga (ages 3-7). This class is geared toward stimulating a younger kid's curiosity and is sprinkled with music, craft, picture books, and fun (age-appropriate) props. Even more, bigger kids can take classes that help enhance maturing bodies' emotional balance, preteens' physical strength, and self-confidence in the Tween Yoga class (ages 9-12 years). Classes emphasize traditional yoga poses, flowing sequences, breathing exercises, deep relaxation, and meditation techniques as well as reflection. Also, it's cool that you can take hot yoga (or another class) at the same time as your kid!
If you live in North County San Diego and would like to host a yoga party (ages 6-15) or take a private class with a few other friends, then Kids Yoga Zone is your place. Kiddos will be engaged while practicing poses and trying strength exercises.
Yoga Rascals has been enhancing kids lives through yoga for the last decade. Offering a wide variety of classes at locations throughout San Diego County, it has earned a stellar reputation and many accolades. Yoga Rascals also offers a summer camp at the La Mesa Community Center, where mini yogis embark on a different yoga adventure every day. Kids will love to take on their favorite animal poses as they stretch like cats, jump like frogs and fly like eagles. Most importantly, students learn that by using their own breath they can learn to relax, feel calm and remain peaceful.
Next Generation Yoga teachers demonstrate and engage kids in developmentally appropriate yoga poses, breathing exercises, chanting, meditation and relaxation techniques. The kids and family yoga classes emphasize lessons in creativity, self-acceptance, interpersonal skills, positive thinking, personal and environmental awareness and fun. Next Generation Yoga offers family classes, as well as classes for little yogis ages 1 to 10. Classes are offered throughout San Diego County and prices vary by class and location.
School is right around the corner, and with the fun and excitement of any new environment with school-aged children comes the threat of bullies. Statistics show that 160,000 kids stay home from school each day to avoid being bullied. While most schools have a zero-tolerance policy in the handbooks for bullying behavior, it is important to teach your children what to do when they find themselves in an uncomfortable situation at school.
1. Walk Away: Oftentimes, bullies engage in negative behavior because they are seeking attention. Rather than breaking down in tears or firing back insults, tell your child to simply walk away. Explain to your child that by walking away, your child takes control of the situation and removes the power from the bully.
2. Keep Calm and Carry On: If your child does not feel physically threatened, encourage them to take a deep breath, use body language to show they are not afraid (stand tall, make eye contact) and ask the bully point-blank to stop.
3. Remove Yourself from the Situation: If a bully is always lurking around by a specific lunch table or in a hallway, avoid that area or take a different route. As long as your child isn’t going out of their way to circumvent the bully, avoidance is a pretty easy rule of thumb.
4. Adopt the Buddy System: There is safety in numbers—two or more friends are less likely to be picked on than a child who is alone. Remind your child to stay with a buddy who they feel safe with throughout the day, or where bullying situations may occur.
5. Report the Behavior to a Trusted Adult: Whether it is a teacher, school counselor, administrator or another adult who works at the school, encourage your child to speak up to someone they can confide in. Many times, children worry about being tattletales (which would give a bully more ammunition), making it important to empower them to have a conversation with an authority figure in private. Nowadays, the words “I am being bullied” carry an immediate call to action, where a grown-up should intervene immediately.
Additionally, when it comes to bullying prevention, it is key for parents to empower their children at an early age to be comfortable in their own skin. Prior to the start of school, consider reading a picture book together that promotes self-acceptance. Many times, these books help to open the dialogue between a parent and child in a subtle way about an issue they might face, and how they’ll handle it.
Lori Orlinsky is a Chicago-based mom of two little ladies. She is the author of “Being Small (Isn’t So Bad After All),” a children's book available to order now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Barbara's Bookstore and in select stores nationwide.
To the new moms who didn’t feel joy when their baby was first born: It’s okay, I didn’t either.
When I was pregnant for my first child, I wanted nothing more than to feel prepared. So much of what was happening to my body was out of my control, so the natural response for me was to gather as much information as possible. My husband and I participated in every single class offered by the hospital. I read as many books as humanly possible. I talked with everyone I knew, which may have proven to be a problem.
At the time I felt lucky to be surrounded by so many women. I worked in a field that was dominated by women so I had countless mothers and grandmothers surrounding me. Each one was available to hear me out with endless questions, musings, or general pregnancy conversation. They were also willing to offer, solicited or not, advice and ideas of what to expect.
It’s going to be so incredibly magical.
It’s going to be a joy like you’ve never felt.
As soon as they place that baby on your chest, you are forever changed!
The love is instant!
I went into labor naturally. My first contraction came at 6:00 a.m. and things progressed onward from there. The first half of the day was relaxing; I was comfortable and labor was moving right along. I didn’t need any interventions so the doctors essentially let things happen as they should.
I didn’t have much interaction with the medical staff because for one, they saw me as a competent woman without any issues and my labor was moving at a healthy pace. That’s super, except I probably needed someone to assure me that what I was experiencing was normal. I began going through the transition. First the tears. So many tears. Then the desire to get out of the hospital. I was begging my husband to just get me out of there. Then came the vomiting. All of the vomiting.
By the time I was ready to push my epidural had essentially worn off. The only part of my body that remained numb was my right thigh; not very helpful with what I was about to do. I pushed without a working epidural for about an hour and delivered my baby girl. They placed her on my chest and as I gazed into her face, my eyes blurred with tears, I searched for the joy. I searched for the spark. I listened intently for the chorus of birds that were supposed to be singing with glory and glee.
I was supposed to then watch as they measured, bathed, and swaddled my newborn, but instead I was frozen with fear. I was hemorrhaging. I remember hearing lots of medical talk, intertwined with the cries of my daughter. I remember seeing my husband sway in between two worlds—the joy of new fatherhood and the fear of what was happening with his wife.
After three medical interventions, the doctor was able to stop the bleeding. I was reintroduced to my baby girl and to my surprise she latched on immediately. I remember the nurses encouraging me to be happy about this development. I wanted to be happy, but I also wanted a sandwich.
For the next twelve hours, I sat semi-upright, nursing my baby. I dozed here and there but never actually slept. The day she was born blurred into the following day and I wasn’t sure exactly where the time had gone. I was still searching her face for the joy I was supposed to be feeling.
They all said it would be miraculous. They all said it would be joyous. They all said I would be so happy.
By the next afternoon, I wasn’t feeling any of that. The thing I was feeling the most? Tired. Sheer mental and physical exhaustion. There wasn’t a book I read that prepared me for this.
My instincts had definitely kicked in. I knew what to do for her and I felt an immediate, intense sense of protection and a deep need to care for her. I definitely loved her. I just wasn’t sure I was in love with her. I was propelled by instincts, not joy. I was enormously conflicted and this created a highly complicated set of feelings.
I felt guilty and ashamed.
My natural inclination is to talk through my feelings but in this case, I couldn’t. The time when I needed it the most, I had to hold it in. All of the people I would normally turn to, were the same people who said how great this experience would be for me. How could I possibly tell them how I was feeling? How could I tell these women that, instead of wanting to hold my baby for countless hours, I wanted to rent a hotel room for the night, sleep, and eat hot dogs?
What kind of horrible person am I?
So instead, I focused on what was in front of me. This baby nursed close to 24-hours a day, so the only thing in front of me was her. It was always her! I focused on her and meeting her needs one at a time. On the last day in the hospital, I managed to get a solid four hours of sleep. Thanks to my husband who sat in the chair and held our baby for four hours, resisting any urge to move and without flexing a single muscle.
Rest can do wonders for a new mother. So can self-acceptance.
It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen. The joy did finally arrive. Getting home helped. Finding a routine helped. Having regular meals and resting in my own bed helped. Building confidence as a mother, and getting to know this beautiful baby really helped.
You know what also helped? Stopping the playlist. Instead of going over and over what everyone told me I should be feeling, I started listening to the things I was actually feeling.
I know the women surrounding me had the very best of intentions. Some of them may have had that immediate sense of joy and I am grateful that they shared their experiences with me. Some, I think, may have remembered it a bit wrong. Like me, they didn’t feel the joy at first either but they do remember feeling it at some point.
The truth is, for some, pure magic happens instantaneously. For others, well, it’s more like a restaurant’s soft opening. Over time, you work out the kinks and confidence builds. Things generally do get better. The magic and joy will come. It may not come right away, and that’s okay. Hell, it may not come for a while, and that’s okay too.
No matter how it happens, you are not alone. Someone along the way has felt the same feelings as you. I know it’s hard to have perspective when you are in the middle of caring for a newborn; so, if nothing else, use this thought as a lifeline to get you through—it’s hard as hell and if you don’t feel the joy right away, it’s okay. Neither did I so you are not alone.
Melanie Forstall is a full-time mother, full-time wife, full-time teacher, and never-enough-time blogger at Melanie Forstall: Stories of Life, Love, and Mothering. She holds a doctorate in education and yet those many years of schooling have proved to be utterly useless when it comes to actual mothering.
In a world filled with bullying, it is more important than ever to teach young children the concept of self-acceptance. As a parent, there have been plenty of times my kids have come home sad because they didn’t measure up to other children and were teased about it. Bullying has real and severe implications, and I truly believe the only way to nip it in the bud is to discuss the topic of self-acceptance through books that kids can easily relate to. There are plenty of wonderful picture books that promote this concept in a way that leads to a natural, post-book discussion. Here are some of my family’s favorites:
Being Small (Isn’t So Bad After All) by Lori Orlinsky This book tells the sweet story of a little girl who doesn’t want to go to school because she’s the shortest kid in her class. Through clever rhymes and beautiful, colorful illustrations, readers can understand and empathize with her perspective and why she feels sad. Through talking to her mom, the little girl begins to see the special things that only she can do because of her height (e.g. fit in the cart in the grocery store, get the most leg room on a plane). This is a great story for any child (not just a short one) who has ever felt different. Orlinsky does a great job in making this tough topic of self-confidence and acceptance approachable for young readers.
Wanda’s First Day by Mark Sperring This story is about an adorable witch named Wanda who mistakenly goes to a school for fairies instead of the school for witches on her very first day of school. Wanda feels like a fish out of water because she does not have wings like all of the other fairies and she carries a broomstick instead of a wand. She eventually realizes the mistake that she has made and promptly alerts her teacher that she is at the wrong school. Her very kind and empathetic teacher tells her that she is not in fact at the wrong school, but exactly right where she belongs. With her teacher’s help and a little magic, Wanda makes new friends and has a great first day of school. Sperring does a wonderful job imparting the message that we all fit in no more how different we may seem. Children will enjoy the adorable illustrations that perfectly compliment the story.
Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes One of my all-time favorite picture books, Chrysanthemum, is about a little mouse who absolutely loved and adored her unique name. She would proudly say it all the time because she loved it that much. But, when she starts school and shares her name, everyone laughs at her for being named after a flower and having a name with so many letters in it. Chrysanthemum is crushed and goes from loving her name to absolutely abhorring it. But, with the help of a much-loved music teacher named Mrs. Delphinium Twinkle, Chrysanthemum, as well as the other students, learn just how very special it can be to have a unique name. It’s a beautiful story about learning to love, accept, and embrace our differences.
Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon by Patty Lovell This wonderful story is about a clumsy little girl named Molly Lou Melon. Molly Lou is “just taller than her dog” and has “buck teeth that stuck out so far she could stack pennies on them.” She never let the fact that she looked a little different get in her way. What Molly Lou lacked in height, she made up for with her indomitable spirit, as well as a strong belief in herself, that was instilled in her by her grandmother who would always tell her to “stand tall.” But, her strong sense of self is questioned when she moves to a new town. At her new school, she gets picked on by a mean bully named Ronald. Never one to just give up, Molly Lou perseveres with that indomitable, positive spirit of hers. She charms her classmates with her unique talents and sweet personality, eventually even winning over Ronald by “killing with kindness.” Lovell’s story has a beautiful message about the power of believing in one’s self. Additionally, Molly Lou Melon serves as an excellent role model and an inspiration for all.
Hooway For Wodney Wat by Helen Lester Rodney Rat has a speech impediment and therefore cannot pronounce his R’s correctly, making it difficult for him to say his name. The other rodents bully and tease him about his speech impediment. One day a new student named Camilla Capybara, who is a self-proclaimed bully, joins Rodney’s class. Camilla terrorizes all of the rodents until one day when Rodney’s speech impediment inadvertently stops the bully and saves the day during an epic game of Simon Says. Any child who has ever been a victim of bullying will easily relate to Rodney and his story. The cheery and vibrant illustrations will capture your child’s attention.
My name is Faith Goldstein. I am a children's book author; my first book, Gorillas' Night Out, was recently published by Indigo River Publishing. I am a mother to two enegetic boys, ages five and ten. Prior to having children, I was a Kindergarten teacher for eight years. Shopping is my passion!
There’s nothing more exciting than seeing your budding reader finally catch on to reading. As a parent of a kindergartener who recently learned to read, as well as an award-winning children’s book author, I’m a huge proponent of rhyming books. Besides improving memory and cognitive development, rhyming books promote language development, and just make stories more fun! Here are some of my personal favorite rhyming picture books:
Gorillas’ Night Out, by Faith Goldstein: Do you ever wonder what the animals do when the zoo closes? First-time children’s book author Faith Goldstein gives readers a hilarious glimpse into the world of Pete, Treat, Skeet and Little Marguerite—a gorilla gang who trade in the zoo gates for a night on the town in New York. Through beautiful, detailed illustration and spot-on rhymes, young readers get to see them get into some serious monkey business! But will they make it back to the zoo before the gates open the next morning?
Room on a Broom, by Julia Donaldson: This sweet, funny story tells the magical tale of a good witch who is a little too generous with letting animals ride on her broom. When the witch is threatened by a dragon, young readers see the power of friendship unfold when each of the animals try to save her. This book is so popular, kids can now watch an animated version on Netflix and Amazon Prime.
Giraffe’s Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae: Gerald the Giraffe has thin legs, a long neck and crooked knees, the typical qualities of a giraffe. But when it comes time for the Jungle Dance, the other animals make fun of Gerald even before he can dance. With an inspirational message about self-acceptance and friendship in the most unlikely places, Gerald learns to embrace the special qualities that only he has.
Llama, Llama Red Pajama, by Anna Dewdney: A wonderful goodnight book for kids who may have anxiety about going to sleep, this book tells the story of a little llama and his bond with his mama. Through a very simple rhyming scheme and a few tantrums thrown by the young llama, he eventually learns that “Mama Llama’s always near, even if she’s not right here.”
Put Me In The Zoo, by Robert Lopshire: My personal favorite book to read (over and over) as a kid, this book follows Spot, a leopard of many talents who believes he belongs in the zoo with the other animals. Through easy rhymes and colorful illustration, he showcases these funny talents, which eventually leads to him finding the perfect place where he belongs.
I Am Not Going To Get Up Today, by Dr. Seuss: Another classic, this is a rhyming story sure to ignite some giggles. When a little boy in striped insists he doesn’t want to get out of bed, he comes up with a funny list of things that won’t wake him up. From tickling his feet to shaking his bed, we see just how much this silly boy wants to sleep in. The repetition of words, concepts, and laughs will keep kids turning the pages.
Sidebar: Here are 10 of the wonderful things rhyming books can do:
Improve memory
Foster positive association with reading
Teach the patterns of sounds
Encourage wordplay
Promote listening skills
Prepares kids to make predictions
Improve oral language skills
Stimulate language development
Expands a child’s imagination
Captivate a child’s attention for longer periods of time
Lori Orlinsky is a Chicago-based mom of two little ladies. She is the author of “Being Small (Isn’t So Bad After All),” a children's book available to order now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Barbara's Bookstore and in select stores nationwide.
Summer Camp is right around the corner, and with the fun and excitement of any new environment with school-aged children comes the threat of bullies. Statistics show that 160,000 kids stay home from school each day to avoid being bullied, and sadly, bullies do not take summer vacation when the school year is over. While most camps have a zero tolerance policy in the handbooks for bullying behavior, it is important to teach your children what to do when they find themselves in an uncomfortable situation at camp.
Walk Away: Often times, bullies engage in negative behavior because they are seeking attention. Rather than breaking down in tears or firing back insults, tell your child to simply walk away. Explain to your child that by walking away, your child takes control of the situation and removes the power from the bully.
Keep Calm and Carry On: If your child does not feel physically threatened, encourage them to take a deep breath, use body language to show they are not afraid (stand tall, make eye contact) and ask the bully point blank to stop.
Remove Yourself from the Situation: If a bully is always lurking around by a specific lunch table, avoid that area or take a different route. As long as your child isn’t going out of their way to avoid the bully, avoidance is a pretty easy rule of thumb.
Adopt the Buddy System: There is safety in numbers—two or more friends are less likely to be picked on than a child who is alone. Remind your child to stay with a buddy who they feel safe with throughout the day, or where bullying situations may occur (the bus, restrooms, etc.).
Report the Behavior to a Trusted Adult: Whether it is a counselor, camp director or another adult who works at the camp, encourage your child to speak up to someone they can confide in. Many times, children worry about being tattletales, which would give a bully more ammunition, which is why it is important to empower them to have a conversation with an authority figure in private. Nowadays, the words “I am being bullied” carry an immediate call to action, where a grown-up should intervene immediately.
Additionally, when it comes to bullying prevention, it is key for parents to empower their children at an early age to be comfortable in their own skin. Prior to the start of camp, consider reading a picture book together that promotes self-acceptance, like “Being Small (Isn’t So Bad After All),” a book I wrote for my own daughter who was teased because she was the shortest kid in her class. Many times, these books help to open the dialogue between a parent and child in a subtle way about an issue they might face, and how they’ll handle it.
Lori Orlinsky is a Chicago-based mom of two little ladies. She is the author of “Being Small (Isn’t So Bad After All),” a children's book available to order now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Barbara's Bookstore and in select stores nationwide.
