ML Interest Tag: speak

How to Support a Mama Grieving Her Miscarriage

By Christina Furnival

Authors’s Note: The following article is about miscarriage. Currently, many who suffer miscarriages suffer alone and those who do share their stories often aren’t met with the support they need. This is a PSA as a voice to help shift the societal norm of not talking about pregnancy loss as well as to offer tips for how others can support a grieving couple.  

 

Miscarriage is unfair, terrible and painful.

It is one of those things that parents-to-be fear may happen to them. One of those things that unfortunately does occur to 1 in 4 women. And one of those things that is not talked about much, leading those going through it to feel mightily alone.

Miscarriage so often occurs that it is a common practice to avoid telling friends and loved ones about our pregnancies until after the 12-week mark, where the risk decreases significantly. The idea is that if we lose a baby in the early stages of pregnancy and have not told anyone yet, then we don’t have to go through the awkward and painful hassle of telling everyone that we are no longer pregnant. It sounds very practical. But, practical does not equal painless or healthy.

My concern about the common approach to pregnancy and pregnancy loss is that it has the potential to be even more painful. Often this grieving mama is left to suffer alone, retreating within, by not sharing about the miscarriage. There is this sense that sharing the news is “TMI” for others, too heavy, too personal, too negative. Or, if she does decide to share about it with her closest confidants, she is stressed about navigating how to broach the subject, which involves also telling them she was pregnant in the first place.

What’s more is that the accumulation of a society’s silent miscarriages leads many couples to feel alone in their loss. One of the best ways to process and heal from grief is to relate to others, feel their support and love, learn what helped them and express feelings. But, how can a mama find this from friends and family if she thinks she does not know anyone else who has gone through the same thing? The reality is, this mama most likely knows several women who have suffered, she just doesn’t know that she does.

This mama walks around, surrounded by others who have felt a similar pain, alone. She feels isolated in a sea of sisters. If only everyone had been open during their experience, she would have waves of support and love.

Another repercussion of the societal silence is that we aren’t practiced in how to offer help or support for a grieving mama. Don’t get me wrong, we try to do our best on the fly. We give sympathetic looks, we say “let me know if there anything I can do”, but we don’t know what to do and we move on, afraid of the uncomfortable conversation that is so often avoided.

In speaking with mom friends who have been there for a friend or who have suffered a miscarriage themselves, I have compiled a list of ways to support a grieving mama:

  1. Ask her how she’s doing and let her know that it’s okay to mourn.
  2. Don’t avoid the topic in fear of bringing up something that might make her sad. She already is sad. Show her you care. That said, if she doesn’t feel like talking after you’ve asked, respect that.
  3. Give her a hug—like a real hug. Hug her tight. Let her cry if she needs to.
  4. Make her something yummy to eat. It could be dinner, it could be dessert, it doesn’t matter. This not only shows love but saves her from having to plan and make food for herself when she might not have the drive to.
  5. If she is already a mom, offer to watch her kids. Give her a chance to grieve without having to tend to other little people. It will give her the rare opportunity to be able to put her needs and feelings first.
  6. If you feel close enough with the other parent or if your partner is, check in with them too. They may not have gone through the physical miscarriage, but they are still affected, hurt, sad and grieving too.
  7. If you have been through a miscarriage and feel comfortable sharing about it, relate with this mama. Let her know you’ve been there. Tell her what was helpful to you.
  8. Offer to do any of the above suggestions and see what resonates with her. Say “I want to help,” and tell her specifically the ways in which you can (such as the items above). Maybe she’ll pick what sounds best to her.
  9. If you don’t live near, send a card. Emily McDowell has several great cards for offering support.
  10. Lastly, if you are a friend or family member who is pregnant, please be thoughtful in the way you speak of your own pregnancy with or in front of this mama during this sensitive time.

I hope this societal norm shifts. I hope to see more families share about their pregnancy joys at the time that feels right to them and not just when miscarriage risk decreases. I hope the feelings of shame, embarrassment, isolation and fear that surround sharing about pregnancy loss fades. I hope mamas will look for and find solace and comfort in others should they need to.

And I hope we can learn how to be that solace and comfort in return.

Christina Furnival
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I am a mom to two young kids, a licensed psychotherapist, and a children's book author. My passion is to help and empower moms and children to understand themselves better, navigate challenge confidently, and live the life they want. Visit me at ChristinaFurnival.com

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How to Help Your Kids Process the Attacks on the AAPI Community

By Veena Crownholm

Photo: Veena Crownholm

One of the biggest questions that have come up with the recent hate crimes against the AAPI community is how to raise anti-racist kids. While there is no one right way to do it, there are a plethora of ways to model inclusivity and teach kids the importance of diversity.

Have Frequent Honest Conversations With Your Kids

From a young, impressionable age, educate your kids about diversity and inclusion by having frequent conversations that recognize and celebrate differences. Many parents are surprised at how helpful simply talking about diversity and inclusion can be, and how non-judgemental kids really are. Just last week, I was talking to my 10-year-old about different minority groups and I was blown away. He said he doesn’t care what skin color someone is, where someone lives, what gender they identify with or who they love as long as they were kind, fun, and a good friend. It’s truly that simple. We are born without judgment. Hate and bigotry is something we are taught or modeled, so it really comes down to setting a good example.

Help Your Kids Process Their Feelings 

Much like you would process an internal family conflict, a disappointing event at school, or a bad grade, it’s important for parents to help kids process what they are seeing in the media. You don’t want to shield your kids from the outside world, but parents should take time to process what is going on in the world, e.g the #StopAsianHate movement. Watch your responses and physical reactions to media pieces, as your kids see and hear everything. Ask your kids how they are feeling with everything going on.

Experience Different Cultures

In an ideal world, we would be able to travel the world to immerse ourselves in different cultures but it isn’t always financially possible. I have been having my older son pick different influential people in history from the “Who Is” series and present lessons on them to me. This puts them in a teacher role and you in a student role. We also go on Amazon Explore to virtually travel to different parts of the world to learn about their traditions with a live interactive one-on-one guide.

Be Mindful Of What You Consume

Model inclusivity as a parent by consuming art, movies, music, and more from a variety of different cultures. In my family, we watch documentaries and then talk about what we learned as a family. We also role-play and discuss stereotypes whenever possible. View these as opportunities to have a more open dialogue with your child and to talk about your own family’s rich history, their journey to America, and the traditions you maintain to this day.

Highlight the Beauty in Diversity

Pay attention to how you communicate with and about others. As an Asian, I get asked most often…”Where are you from?” The simple answer is here. I was born and raised in Orange County. So when you ask where I am from, I am from here. You might also be wondering what my ethnicity is but that is a different question. I am an American, the daughter of immigrants from India and Indonesia (Chinese). Teaching your child the difference between ethnicity and nationality is a great place to start, and sharing details of your own family history can help inspire your kids to see the beauty in diversity.

Model Speaking Up & Out

This past year there has been so much hate and violence toward Black people, Asians, and other minorities in this country. As a first-generation American, I grew up being taught not to speak out against injustices, but to keep silent. To move on. To say things only within our home. I think we are the generation that is changing that. We have to change that. Innocent Asian people are being attacked because of how they look and bigotry, and my heart is broken. I always think that could have been my Mom or my Dad, and that is not ok. All these lives that have been affected by Asian hate…they are someone’s Mom, Dad, grandparent, sibling just going about their lives before being harassed or violently attacked. As a parent, show your child how to speak up and out when faced with injustice.

Proudly Eat Foods From Different Cultures

I remember never wanting to bring leftovers to school for lunch because they were “smelly”, so I opted for something more socially-acceptable. I ate my Kimchi at home, I wouldn’t let my mom make Indian curry if friends were coming over, and my husband has been the only guy I ever let see my 99 Ranch Market purchases. I love everything from the seaweed crackers, mae ploy sauce and jackfruit to the pickled daikon radish, boba ice cream, sticky rice dessert, and fresh noodles. It has taken me a long time to be proud of my heritage and present it to the outside world. I suggest parents eat their favorite foods proudly and introduce their kids to foods from different cultures early on. When they are old enough, you could also sign them up for cooking lessons so they can learn how to make things like dumplings or curry. If you want your kids to embrace diversity, start in the kitchen.

I know the majority of people in this country don’t hate Asians but the recent attacks have hit hard and close to home. I’m not always sure how to stop it or how to be a part of the solution, but I do want to keep the conversation going because change is imperative. I’m here to lend a voice, to have a conversation, and to create a better world for our kids. I want a world where my boys can be proud to be 1/2 Asian and celebrate their culture. Life is hard as it is…the color of our skin shouldn’t be one of the aspects making it harder. After all, we are a country of immigrants.

Veena mom of 2 boys (Max and Eddie), is a former Miss California and currently works on TV as an expert in the parenting, lifest‌yle, beauty and fashion space, You may have seen her on The Doctors, Ktla, Extra and FabFitFun TV and more. Veena currently resides in Boulder with her family.

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5 Things Every Special Needs Parent Should Hear

By Tabitha Cabrera

Are you walking into a new world of special needs parenting for the first time? Are you a few years in and finding things hard to manage right now? Or are you the parent who has walked this path and is now looking ahead at what services are there for your child’s future? Here are some gems of advice that I have received from others who have walked this path alongside me and before me—plus some of my own.

1. Advocacy can come in many forms.
If you are the loud and proud mama or papa bear walking into an IEP meeting or evaluation asking all the questions and expecting answers, that is the perfect way to do it. If you are the parent who is searching the internet looking for all the studies and best practices to be prepared to walk into each meeting with statistics and sites behind you, that is wonderful. If you are a quiet parent finding their voice behind the forms, appointments, and recommendations who reach out to others for support, it is just right to bring those voices with you.

What I have learned along the way from others is you can have a combination of these advocacy approaches at different times when different emotions are flowing. No matter how you lift yourself up and fight the good fight, that is what is right for today.

2. Talking about all the feelings that come with parenting is ok.
As parents, we often feel that speaking about the dark and hard is shameful. Others aren’t feeling the way you are because you haven’t had someone open up to you about it yet. We sit in feelings of guilt, sorrow, sadness, feelings of failure, and overwhelming tasks. These feelings do not overshadow the joy, love, happiness, and bliss that comes with parenting, so it is ok to talk about them.

Not only is parenting a challenge on some days, but special needs parenting comes with so many additional challenges. I never wanted to feel lost in the what-ifs, hows, or whys but it is natural to feel that way at certain points. The commercial idea of parenting found in parenting magazines can feel defeating and unrealistic. Please share your story with others because there for sure is a parent sitting behind a closed door waiting to hear that they are not alone.

3. Take in the wins, celebrate each accomplishment, and honor the hard work.
As special needs parents, we sit with therapists, teachers, and even family members as they highlight the perceived deficiencies in our children. We watch each minute of practice and hard work to hold a fork, brush teeth, recognize words, speak a sentence, communicate needs, and so much more. Our family circles in the celebration with each accomplishment to fight off the mountain of forms, saying that our children might be able to accomplish these things. We shout with joy because these are the true heartfelt moments of parenting magnified by time waited and hours practiced.

Not only do we honor the hard work, but we absorb it as our own accomplishment alongside our children, because what parent doesn’t feel pride when celebrating their child’s accomplishments. Autism has given us the ability to slow things down, to watch the accomplishments that others take for granted, and circle our children in celebration.

4. Have a “tap out” word or phrase.
When you are feeling at your brink, when the noise is too much, when the systems are too much, and when you can imagine your feelings pouring out of your body onto the floor in front of you, have a tap-out word. Ask for help sometimes; it’s ok to say today has been too much, I need to go to bed early, I need to take a walk, or I need to eat a mountain of cake alone in the dark in my pajamas (this may be directly from my own experience).

Special needs parents are human, we all have our moments where we need to just tap out. If you have a person who can do that for you in your life, don’t let the feelings of guilt come along with it. By taking a break, you are honoring not only yourself but your family, too. The fresh perspective you will come back to parenting with after a break might be just what you need to shift the energy around you.

5. Watch, learn, and grow.
From the one and only Busta Rhymes, “If you don’t know, now you know.” Every day we are learning from our experiences. What is behind us shapes where we are headed. Learn as much as you can from your children. Take them in as much as possible. Even if they are in a dumping stage and everything from a bowl or plate lands on the floor, rub it into the carpet with them sometimes. I knew nothing about autism before our children’s diagnoses. I didn’t know the correct terminology, what was offensive to others, or what therapy would work best for them. I am still learning all the ins and outs of this world, and I am grateful for all the information out there. I am growing as a person and I hope to take in as many perspectives as possible.

Tabitha Cabrera, lives in Arizona with her husband, and two beautiful children. She works as an Attorney and enjoys spending her time in a public service role. The family loves nature and ventures outdoors as much possible. Come check out her little nature babies

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How I Explain Racism to My White Friends (So They Can Explain It to Their Kids)

by Ayren Jackson-Cannady

Editor’s note: At Red Tricycle, we stand for justice, humanity and equal rights. We stand with Black families, co-workers, partners and the community to speak out against racism. We also stand for education and connection. Our writer, Ayren Jackson-Cannady, offers us not only perspective here but real, actionable ways to make positive change.


…and what to do when you just don’t have the words.

Last year, when my husband and I took our kids to a state fair, it was the first time our son was tall enough to ride a “scary” ride. Of course, the ride he chose (hello, Kamikaze!) was also the most popular with an estimated 30-minute wait time. Just when I was ready to throw in the funnel cake and find a new thrill ride, a family of stilt walkers—a mom, dad, and two kids—toddled towards us, stopping nearby for a quick performance. 

They did karate kicks and jumping jacks. They hopped on one foot and then the other. They did a very elaborate chicken dance. The mom stilt walker even hula hooped…while juggling!

My attention quickly shifted from “this line is never going to move” to “how in the world are these people (these kids!) maneuvering with those things tied to their feet?”

So it goes with race and injustice. 

Being Black in America is like being a stilt walker.

In order to get from point A to point B, it’s necessary to maintain a very specific amount of balance. Leaning too much to one side or the other—being too loud, too quiet, too educated, too uneducated, too this, too that—can be detrimental.

And, it doesn’t matter how skilled you are. It doesn’t matter how far you climb the corporate ladder. It doesn’t matter how much joy you bring into the lives of others or how AWESOME you are. When you miss a beat or skip a step (or go jogging…or birding…or shopping…) the bumps in the road of injustice can bring you down—and bring you down hard. 

Question: Have you ever seen a stilt walker get back up on their own after a tumble? Nope. Because, guess what? They can’t. Stilt walkers rely on helpers on the ground to dust them off and lift them back up. White Americans who don’t have to walk on the stilts of inequality have the ability—the privilege—to be the helpers for communities of color. 

Stepping out of the shadow of privilege is making someone else’s struggle your struggle.

It’s kicking those pebbles of racial injustice out of the way to prevent the tragic wrecks. And when Black moms, dads, and kids start to wobble, it’s steadying them by grabbing a stilt until balance is found.

And if the words never come. That’s okay, too. Sometimes—er, all the time—actions speak louder than words. Here are some things that you can DO with your kids that will help to open their eyes to race and injustice:

Read with them.

Even if they’re 10 and think they’re grown and too old to be read to…there are a bajillion books out there that address the topic of bias, diversity and injustice in a way that kids get. Start here: 

Connect with families not like your own.

Sure, you might have to do that virtually now. But when it’s safe for everyone, get together to serve other families in your community that might need help. Remember: It’s all about steadying those who are walking on stilts. 

Play!

 Surround your kids with toys and playthings that help cultivate appreciation and acceptance for people that don’t look like them. These are fun: 

 

Watch films or TV shows that help educate on the topic of race and inequality.

If your kids have been watching a lot of television lately, they’re not alone. The next time they’re begging to turn on the TV, put one of these on for them:

This “stilts” example of how I envision race and injustice working may go completely over your kids’ heads (full transparency: I tried to explain it to my five-year-old and I completely lost her at the hula hooping mom). But I share all of this to say that the key to being able to talk to our kids about the injustices that have happened and continue to happen to Black people in the United States is to try to fully understand them ourselves. Once we know our history (because, news flash, Black history is everyone’s history) and we can comprehend the complexities of injustice, then we can openly and honestly communicate it to our kids. 

—Ayren Jackson-Cannady

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Mean or Bullying Behavior? Helping Kids Understand the Difference

By Jessica Speer

Photo: Canva

Many schools have done a great job raising awareness about bullying. Bullying is never okay and needs to be addressed immediately. With this heightened awareness, kids may have a hard time differentiating between bullying and mean behavior. Here are some definitions to help. 

Mean versus Bullying Behavior

  • Mean behavior is saying or doing something to hurt a person.
  • Bullying is a cruel act done on purpose and repeatedly that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power.

Quick Quiz: Is it Mean or Bullying?

1. JD tells Marco that he can’t play basketball at recess because he’s the worst player in the whole grade. Mean or bullying?

Answer: It appears that JD is being mean. His words are intended to hurt Marco, but there’s no evidence of repetitive behavior or a power imbalance.

2. Molly makes fun of Piper for wearing the same pants to school every day. In gym class, Molly says Piper smells and later, she writes the words “You stink” on her desk. Mean or bullying?

Answer: Molly’s acting like a bully. She’s making fun of Piper repeatedly with the intention to cause harm. There’s also evidence of a power imbalance.

Context is important to understand meanness versus bullying. When it comes to mean behavior, there is often an underlying conflict between those involved. Regardless, both behaviors are not okay and can be painful for kids as well as parents. So how do parents respond to best support their kids?

Responding to Mean Behavior

Dealing with mean behavior is a part of life that we all learn how to handle. With guidance and support, kids develop skills to deal with meanness, such as speaking up, learning resilience, getting help, and putting energy into kind friendships instead.

As parents, it’s important to validate a child’s feelings when someones mean to them and help them decide how they’d like to respond (ignore, speak up, etc.).

Signe Whitson, author and national educator on bullying, has seen a rise in situations of mean or rude behavior incorrectly classified as bullying. She says, “I have already begun to see that gratuitous references to bullying are creating a bit of a “little boy who cried wolf” phenomena. In other words, if kids and parents improperly classify rudeness and mean behavior as bullying—whether to simply make conversation or to bring attention to their short-term discomfort—we all run the risk of becoming so sick and tired of hearing the word that this actual life-and-death issue among young people loses its urgency as quickly as it rose to prominence.”

Responding to Bullying Behavior

Bullying, on the other hand, is a different matter and needs to be addressed. Experts agree that bullying entails three key elements: an intent to harm, a power imbalance, and repeated acts or threats of aggressive behavior. Bullies try to have more social or physical power over their targets. They try to make their targets cry, feel scared or lose their temper. And bullying has lasting negative effects.

Even though it may be hard, encourage kids not to give bullies their power. Help them practice standing tall and pretending to be bored or unimpressed. Then walk away and get help from a trusted adult.

Kids develop healthy social and emotional skills at different stages, so unkind behavior is unfortunately common. These painful moments provide families an opportunity to revisit conversations about meanness and bullying and how to navigate situations. They also offer parents an opportunity to make sure their kids feel loved, heard and help them navigate uncomfortable emotions. If your child is feeling overwhelmed by mean or bullying behavior, be sure to get support from the school or a professional as well.

Additional Resources:

StopBullying.gov

Bystander Revolution

Cyberbullying Research Center

Stomp Out Bullying

Jessica Speer is an author focused on helping kids and families thrive. Her book, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships releases July 2021. 

This post originally appeared on www.JessicaSpeer.com.

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.    

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Celebrate “The Lorax’s” 50th Bday with One of These New Children’s Books

by Erica Loop

The Lorax is turning 50! In celebration of the Dr. Seuss classic, Random House Children’s Books is releasing an Anniversary Edition along with a few other eco-focused titles for the kiddos.

The publishing house recently announced the addition of The Lorax Project. Named after the beloved book, The Lorax Project is an environmental initiative aimed at supporting individual and community efforts to change the planet.

photo courtesy of Random House Children’s Books

The new eco-initiative will include the publication of 101 Ways to Help the Earth with Dr. Seuss’s Lorax (available in Sep. 21, 2021)! The new children’s book will feature kid-friendly ways to help the planet through activities, games and so much more. Not only will 101 Ways to help the Earth with Dr. Seuss’s Lorax focus on Earth-friendly ideas, the book is also printed on recycled paper.

Along with this new title, other Lorax-themed book releases for the 50th anniversary celebration include Dr. Seuss’s Thank You for Being Green and Speaking to the Trees, Would You, Could You Plant a Tree? With Dr. Seuss’s Lorax and Let’s Go to the Garden! With the Lorax.

—Erica Loop

 

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When They Only Want Mommy: A How-To Guide to Reclaiming Your Space

By Cara Maclean

As a new mom, it can be flattering when your children only want you. No matter if it’s a scratched knee, a bedtime story, or that special way you put on their socks, kids gravitate toward Mom. It can make you feel loved, needed, and (after a while) like you can’t be away for more than a moment. Actually, not even a moment. They find you fast.

Children don’t mean to insult your partner by refusing assistance, and they don’t consciously intend to monopolize all your time. (Even though they often do both.) They simply seek comfort. At all times. And they are used to you.

 

What’s the best way to share parenting responsibilities?

There may not be an official best way that applies to all situations. There may be places where you want to be the go-to parent, and others you want to share. Even though your partner might already want to share in the duties, you might find you need to be the one to initiate communication. Often dads aren’t even aware of a problem unless we communicate our needs.

If you’re like most moms, the bulk of child interaction defaults to you. Plus, we sometimes overlook our need for space and time to ourselves. If we do recognize the need, we either feel guilty or dread the logistical challenges involved. (If you think, “What would I do anyway?” It’s is a clear sign that you need time to connect with yourself.) Remember, you are a better parent when you have time to recharge your own battery. If you’re in a spot where you want your partner to share the love AND have your kids running to both of you, try these three steps.

 

Step One: Communicate Your Needs

The first step is shining light on the issue. There’s a chance your spouse doesn’t even realize that you’re not in maternal bliss with your kids hanging on you 24/7. After all, that’s what moms do, right? You might need to let him know that you want a more balanced distribution of hang time (so to speak). Approach this conversation by recognizing the benefit of both parents and different parenting styles (even though hopefully you’ve discussed and decided on your overall parenting approach already). When you frame the conversation in terms of a win-win for everyone, especially the kids, you might get even more buy-in. Even if the issue deals more with your child’s behavior, having a conversation with your partner is always the place to start.

 

Step Two: Create Bonding Moments

No matter how upset your children get when you’re away, encourage your partner to develop his own way of playing and dealing with tough situations. Hopefully, there are already games and things that your partner and kids do together. You want them to be comfortable with each other when there’s not a crisis. That’s the place to start. Then, practice with the ‘crisis’ moments. If your child bursts into tears when you leave the room, have your partner come up with a game, story, or distraction to lessen that reaction and develop a stronger relationship. If you are the eternal boo-boo fixer, then let your husband craft his signature way of dealing with scraps and bruises. (And this could mean giving him the first aid kit and saying you really need to go to the bathroom, like, right now. Whatever works.)  Creating time when your kids play with your partner (especially if it doesn’t happen automatically) helps them develop a stronger relationship that will continue to grow as everyone matures. Sometimes you might be able to be home for these shenanigans, and sometimes you may need to physically remove yourself from their space.

 

Step Three: Remove Thyself

If you are always available, then your children will always want you. It’s good for you and your children to have some time away from each other. This cannot be overstated: It is good for you AND your kids to have time away from each other. Set a regular ‘mom’s out of the house’ time where your partner takes over. It doesn’t matter what you do with this time, but make sure you honor it. Keep to the schedule to give them time to grow and work out their own system. It’s ok for it to be awkward, for the kids to cry, and for your husband to find his own way of parenting without texting you constantly. That’s necessary for everyone’s comfort level. Note: Be wary of controlling what happens when your partner takes over. The benefit of different parenting styles is accurate, and even though it won’t be like you do it – whatever “it” is – everyone will be happier and healthier. And if the house is destroyed when you come home (thus, feeling like more work for you), revisit Step One and continue the conversation.

These three simple steps have endless variations and may need to be revisited as your relationships develop, your children mature, and your needs evolve. Don’t be afraid to have awkward conversations, speak up for what you need, and persist through any uncomfortable behavior from your child, spouse, or yourself. Changing up the expected dynamic is bound to push buttons and bring up emotion. Rest assured that when you can be away without crisis, you’ll be happier and your family will thrive no matter who’s got the snacks.

 

Cara Maclean, Wellness Coach & Writer, works with moms to undo what keeps them exhausted. We cultivate the calm, joyful energy needed to handle any challenge with humor and grace. Author of Just the Way It Is: A Look at Gifted/2e Families, Spring 2022, GHF Press. Learn more at CaraMaclean.com

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Why Sharing Your True Motherhood Story Really Matters

By Flow Belinsky

In the depths of postpartum depression, in the throes of a vicious cycle of panic attacks and addiction, I started writing. This wasn’t my first time writing to heal and understand my pain, and I didn’t hold back. By letting myself write the hard truth, I found resolution. It helped me move through the most complex emotions I had ever felt into the light of empowerment, healing, and sobriety.

One year later, I had a finished book and I published it. It was raw, real, painfully honest, imperfect but complete. I hired a cover designer, formatted it myself, and submitted it to Amazon. I didn’t have many expectations for my book. I just knew I had to put it out there. At times I worried that it was too truthful, too vulnerable, too revealing. But, as the feedback and reviews started rolling in, I understood the deeper reason behind my urge to publish it.

In telling my true story about the hardships and growth of my first year of motherhood, I made myself available for judgments, scrutiny, embarrassment, sure. Some of the things I thought and went through are not normally talked about in our society. But the transformation I experienced—from utter despair and suicidality, to hopeful empowerment—really inspired others. It normalized the more challenging aspects of early motherhood. It showed a way through the hardship. Publishing my book was the most worthwhile thing I have done so far because it really helped other women.

As I started putting my book out there, I got emails every week from women thanking me for my blunt honesty. They too had very similar experiences and feelings, challenges and pains, but didn’t realize that other mothers went through the same things. They found solace in my story, healing for their own journeys, and hope on their paths. Publishing my book literally changed people’s lives. It made them feel not alone. It helped them learn how to love themselves in their own flaws and shortcomings, to accept their own inner turmoils and dark thoughts.

Looking back, I now see that publishing my true story in the form of a book also changed the world in its own small way. It shifted the lens of what motherhood can be like. It changed the narrative of what a good woman is. It shed light on the struggles that modern moms go through. It healed the silence of our ancestors and the oppression of our grandmothers. It changed the fabric of reality.

Telling your true story of motherhood, both the challenges and the triumphs, is one of the most generous and generative things you can do. So many women harbor shame and feel isolated in their less-than-glowing moments as a mother. In a world inundated with picture-perfect posts, matching outfits, and gushing gratitude…those women who experience life and motherhood differently can feel like something is wrong with them. They can feel really alone in their struggles, perspectives, and darker thoughts.

It is so important to tell the truth about your real experiences of motherhood. Those little revealings of honesty can change another woman’s life, or even save it. Just look at the tidal wave that has come from Meghan Markle speaking up about her postpartum experiences. It is shifting things in the maternal mental health world and beyond. It is making it more ok for women to speak their own truths, accept their experiences and get the help they need. It’s changing society in a big way. Of course, not all of us have as powerful of a platform as royalty like Meghan Markle. But even those of us with a small reach do make a difference when we speak up about the truth instead of continuing to stay silent.

Whether you share your truth through conversations with other women, through social media, on podcasts, through writing articles or actually writing a book, you are helping other women and our society. In my experience though, writing your story into a book is the most powerful form. Publishing your true motherhood story gets it out into the culture in a way that other forms do not. When others read and hear about your book, it has an impact that a social post does not. Publishing a book gives a deeper level of credibility to your work and adds a solidness and permanence to your message. 

Standing in your truth and sharing your real motherhood story makes the world a safer place for women and empowers everyone who reads it with more authenticity and understanding. If you are feeling the call to write a book about your motherhood experience, the lessons you’ve learned, the hardships you’ve endured, the raw and real behind-the-scenes truths, I deeply encourage you to do it. Your story really matters. It’s medicine—a powerful healing balm for other women and this world.

Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.

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Top 10 Reasons Moms Don’t Sleep on Long Haul Flights

By Angie Stubbs

Remember that 14-hour trip to New Zealand, that 10-hour trip to Japan or even that 6-hour redeye flight cross country? Did you sleep a lot? Did you sleep at all? Chances are if you’re a mom, you didn’t sleep much on that flight and here are the top 10 reasons why.

1. There are so many movies to watch that you haven’t seen—and won’t get to see at home. When was the last time you got to watch a movie uninterrupted? Most kids can’t stay up the entire flight, so choose a flick (or two or three) and watch that movie.

2. You don’t want to miss the meals. They may not be good but someone else cooked them AND will clean up the dishes and trash for you. For a mom, that’s first-class service even if you’re stuck in coach.

3. This may be the only quiet time you get (ever) so you stay up to enjoy it. Just you and the hum of the plane.

4. The guy across the aisle to your right has a bright light on his laptop keeping you from sleeping. You can’t turn left cause your toddler will start pulling on your eyelids. (This may or may not have happened to me on the way to New Zealand).

5. Speaking of movies, there’s bound to be a movie starring the Rock (aka Dwayne Johnson), meaning there’s a huge chance you’ll get to see him with his shirt off. Okay, it doesn’t matter who it is. Any cutie in a movie might take his shirt off!

6. Your partner is already asleep and somebody has to stay up to watch the kids. #momlife

7. You’re on a 12-hour flight but there’s a lot of life to be had so you’re already making a to-do list for when you land.

8. You’re just straight-up hardcore. You don’t get sleep at home so why would you sleep on a plane?

9. You’re enjoying an adult conversation with a stranger on the plane.

10. It’s finally, FINALLY, an opportunity to read a book that isn’t made from cardboard, doesn’t rhyme and is longer than five pages.

This post originally appeared on Raising Nomads.

Angie Stubbs is a mom of two little ones and a wife. She's a travel blogger, agent, cute and quirky, who is traveling her way through her middle age years. Whew! She's authored 2 books, so far, about traveling with her kids as she's seen the positive impact travel has on her family, especially her girls.

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Here’s What Learning a Second Language Will Do to Your Kids (According to Science)

by Karly Wood

If you’re wondering whether you should bother with teaching your baby a second language, the answer is a resounding yes. Despite not being able to speak, babies still begin hearing, retaining and pruning sounds as early as the womb, which will ultimately form the foundation of language.

Just like reading to your kids, the benefits of being bilingual are plentiful. Studies have shown that bilingual children are given a leg up in life, achieving higher cognitive and academic skills and receiving higher scores in non-verbal problem solving, grammar and mental flexibility.

photo: Teddy Rawpixel via rawpixel

Scientists have found that academic success is best predicted by early language interactions, including the integration of a second language. So what does that mean exactly?

While teaching your child more than one language requires work, it’s worth it in the end. Begin speaking to your child while still in the womb, speaking all the languages spoken in your home. Once your bundle of joy has entered the world, continue speaking to them in English and your other tongue when it comes to singing, reading and everyday conversation. The gift of language is truly priceless.

––Karly Wood

 

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