ML Interest Tag: struggle

Want to Yell Less? 3 Ways to Create More Calm In Your Home

By Laura Linn Knight

Your child is having a meltdown. You have tried rationalizing, distracting, even offering treats if your child will stop crying and screaming. Your emotions are boiling and you are at your wit’s end. This is the moment when parents, desperate and defeated, often resort to yelling. Unfortunately, the yelling makes the situation worse and you walk away feeling disappointed for having yelled again. 

As a parenting expert, educator, mindfulness and meditation teacher, and former elementary school teacher, I have devoted my professional life to helping families create more calm in their homes. In my personal life, as a mother of two, I have firsthand experience feeling remorseful after I have lost my cool with my own children. So if you find yourself yelling at your child, know that you are not alone in your struggle. This is an opportunity to practice self-compassion and know that starting today you can expand your parenting toolbox with these three calming tools. 

Tool #1: Understand Your Brain
When you understand what is going on in your brain and your child’s brain while angry, it helps bring compassion and awareness to the situation. Let’s look at two parts of the brain—the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. 

The amygdala is almond-shaped and is in the center of the brain. It is primitive and when the amygdala is firing, you react quickly from a place of fight, flight or freeze. The prefrontal cortex is more evolved than the amygdala and it helps make decisions and problem solve. The prefrontal cortex takes a long time to develop (it will become fully developed around 25 years of age). When you have reached a breaking point you are no longer using your prefrontal cortex to make rational decisions (and neither is your child). Instead, the lower part of the brain where the amygdala lives is activated. Understanding how the brain works during a meltdown can help you appreciate the importance of pausing so that your prefrontal cortex can get back online. 

Tool #2: Have a Plan to Pause 
Don’t wait until the next time you are about to lose your temper. Now that you know your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully functioning when you are in the midst of a power struggle, you understand why you need a plan for pausing. When you and your child are in a calm state, sit down together and make a list of the things each of you can do the next time you are angry (one list for you and one for your child).

My list, for example, is: 
1. Go in the other room and take deep breaths 
2. Turn on my favorite song 
3. Go on a walk around my house or in my backyard 
4. Smell a flower, a piece of fruit, or an essential oil 
5. Play the game rock, paper, scissors with my child 
6. Lay on the floor and put a stuffed animal on my belly. Watch the stuffed animal go up and down with my breath 

Notice that my list are things that calm me down, but some also invite my child to participate with me. My daughter’s list is similar but also includes playing with her dolls, blowing bubbles in the backyard and taking a bath. 

Write both lists on chart paper, decorate it with your child, and hang it somewhere in your house. The next time you feel like yelling, go to your list and model this powerful tool of moving from the amygdala into a place of inner calm. 

Tool #3: Reconnect & Follow Up Later 
Now that you have avoided yelling and taken an opportunity to let you and your child calm down, it is time to reconnect for a moment. Reconnection includes being at eye level with your child, offering a hug and validating the feelings your child is experiencing. When your child feels connected to you, they are more likely to follow your limits and accept your rules. 

After you have reconnected with your child, you can follow up and find a solution for whatever instigated the power struggle, to begin with. You will be amazed by how much more cooperative your child is once they feel connected again! As you adopt these three tools, be patient with yourself as you go. If yelling has been part of your life for a while, know that it will take time to create new healthy habits. Your number one priority is to keep your child safe when you are angry! Keep practicing these tools and your yelling will decrease day by day. For more parenting tools and to subscribe to my free weekly Calming Newsletter.

 

Parenting Coach & Former Elementary School Teacher Laura Linn Knight specializes in helping parents and teachers create more calm at home and in the classroom. Laura is also Certified Mindfulness Meditation Teacher, a Certified Positive Discipline Educator, and a mother of two.

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The Struggle Is Real

By Kristina D'Angelo

The Struggle Is Real. It’s a phrase I used all the time pre-pandemic. Didn’t drink enough water today? The struggle is real. Couldn’t find the right jeans? The struggle is real. Twins throwing a screaming meltdown in Ralphs? THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

Ah, the bliss of pre-2020 life.

I’m a mom to 5 1/2-year-old boy/girl twins. I could go on and on about my amazing daughter, but this is about my son. Why? Not only am I a twin mom, but I’m a mom of a child with special needs.

We noticed early on that my son was delayed. At first, we thought it was because my daughter was advanced, but after an assessment with our local Regional Center, we received the news that he needed support. I went through the first year devastated. No one likes to hear that something is wrong with their child, but I was hearing it repeatedly. Each time it was a kick in the gut. Here, the struggle was real.

As we went through Regional Center and then through our local school district it became clear that my son had a speech impairment and needed help with motor skills. It took a year but I finally found the perfect speech therapist and he was thriving in occupational therapy. My husband and I found the charter school that was the right fit for our family and we were set. The twins were off to TK in August of 2020 (or so we thought) and we could finally have a bit of breathing room.

I look back at that time now and laugh. Not funny haha, but more of how naive I was back then. Originally the idea of a 2-week stint at home without preschool or therapy sounded lovely. We could connect as a family, and then 2 weeks turned into a year, and here we are.

Not only is the struggle real because we are living during a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic, but my child (along with millions of others with special needs) stopped receiving hands-on in-person services. Once again I was gutted. He was making so much progress in therapy and now he had to try to get the same benefits via zoom.

While his therapists did the best they could, it was not easy to get him to adjust. Not only did he adore seeing his therapists in person, but it was solo time for me and him. A way for us to bond and connect without his twin sister and it was swiftly taken away.

Twice a week I logged us on and we somehow managed to make it through a speech or an OT zoom session while his kind and patient therapist tried to help guide me in translating their techniques into a home setting. The struggle was real.

Instantly I was worried. He was starting a new school and I knew they were launching virtually. I worried about him being understood by his teacher and classmates. Would he give the same sort of resistance to his therapists at the school? How could my husband and I manage this while both working full time? So many questions.

The struggle, I thought, would be real.

We logged on to zoom on August 24th for their 1st day of school. Did I mention that we decided to send our kids to a brand new charter school? That’s right, in the midst of the madness of 2020, we instantly fell in love with CWC West Valley.

I know you’re going to ask me, “But Kristina, why would you send your children to a brand new school in its founding year? Wasn’t 2020 hard enough?”. Hear me out. CWC is a part of a network of charters and already had existing schools in place across the LA region. The difference with CWC’s approach is through constructivism, the understanding that children don’t come to school as empty vessels, but with ideas and experiences already in place. Also, here’s the kicker, they focused on social-emotional learning. Yes, you read that right. It’s actually in their learning model. My children are learning mindfulness, diversity and inclusion work and more. And, did I mention project-based learning? Ok I digress, back to my point.

Since that 1st day of what we affectionately call zoom school, I realize that when you find the right environment and community for your family, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a struggle.

I attended my first IEP meeting shortly after school started and my voice was heard. Read that again. My voice was heard. It was a novel concept for me since I spent so much of my time fighting for the services that my son needed to thrive. They validated my concerns and agreed to work with me instead of just sharing their opinions of what they think is best. It was mind-blowing.

Suddenly, sessions with his new speech and occupational therapist weren’t such a struggle. He actually preferred to log on without me. I saw a change in him and for a minute I breathed a sigh of relief. Not only was he actually improving in speech, but he was enjoying it.

In a year of isolation, I found community. There were other moms like me. Moms who spent so much of their child’s early years in therapy sessions, in IEPs, trying to advocate for their kid. It instantly felt like we were a part of a secret club. A club that you don’t necessarily want to be a part of, but one that pushes you to the limits you didn’t know existed within you.

The Unicorns. It’s CWC West Valley’s mascot. I mean, of course, 5 & 6-year-olds picked a unicorn as their mascot. This place? It’s magical. We found community. We found joy. We found the ability to dare I say thrive in the midst of a chaotic and hectic year. For once, the struggle wasn’t real.

I am a twin mom who is married to an adorable nerdy husband and still loves Justin Timberlake (*NSYNC forever). When I'm not momming it up you can find me doing marketing for social impact brands, reading the latest celebrity gossip or spending quality time with family and friends.

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From Survival Mode to Thriving

By Leasa Hoogerwerf

Photo: Cody Speaks

I think back to how we got here and how great Cody is doing and it’s hard to remember the really hard times. The passage of time lessens that pain and for that I am grateful. I do remember for so long I just got up day after day putting one foot in front of the other just doing but not really understanding where we were going or if it truly will get better. Just in survival mode really.

As I sit here thinking how far we’ve all come and how we’re all still together loving each other and still learning from one another I am grateful. I used to pray every night the same prayer to simply make everything better—to simply make my son better. I was bartering with God that I would give absolutely anything to help my son money, health, my life—anything! I would scream this over and over.

Instead, I was given insight, patience, wisdom and perception of better understanding. I now know that’s what I should have been praying for all along.

I am grateful for so many things.

I am grateful I haven’t lost my mind.

I am grateful I learned how to connect with my son.

I am grateful I now know this different life can be amazing and I’m in no way saying it’s easy but whose life is easy anyway?

I guarantee every single person has that “something”—their own struggle. I count my blessings every night when I’m struggling with anything whether it’s a thought or circumstance—still I count them. If I went back in time and could have looked into my future I don’t think I would have believed how far I would come or how far Cody would come. I was sure I wouldn’t make it but I have. We all have.

Our family has been through so much in this journey and if you’re living this you completely understand. Learning how to navigate the world when things are different and learning what to be grateful for. Cody is now able to tolerate shopping and even window shopping. I remember when he was little the screaming—the tantrums—the floppy drops—the running and just how exhausting it was and how every single time we went out it was the same as the time before, never seeming to get any better.

I’m telling you it can change and it has changed. But I am also telling you it has not been by accident this has happened or by some miracle. It has simply been for the sheer fact that we have worked so very hard to achieve these things. Think of it this way: If you were never taught how to act or practiced better behavior or given the tools when you needed them where would you be? We all need tools and coping strategies and to be taught how to navigate the world and simply to be great examples. Study and learn and be that great example and figure out how best to relate to others that perceive the world differently. Try to see from a different view and maybe just maybe you’ll have a better understanding. Most of all love all no matter what differences and be grateful we can learn from one another.

 

feature image via iStock

I am a parent to a son who is diagnosed with nonverbal severe autism with ID. I share our journey on facebook Cody Speaks. Cody has come farther than we were ever told. We were told to institutionalize him he would never learn. He learns every day and speaks.

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Can Video Games Help a Child’s Learning & Development?

By Sarah Daren

Photo: Marta Wave

Ever since video games first came out, parents have been given dire warnings about the effects of letting kids play them. There have been claims that they negatively impact child development and can increase violent behavior.

But is this really true? It depends on the game. While it’s true that your 5-year-old probably shouldn’t be playing Call of Duty, there are lots of kid-appropriate options that can actually be beneficial. Many modern video games designed for kids have a great deal of educational potential and can help children gain new skills.

Now that they’ve been around for a while, we know a lot more about why video games are so attractive to kids and about the potential they have for positive learning, development, and creativity. Here’s why some video games can be a great addition to any child’s learning plan.

The Developmental Benefits of Gaming

There are some great developmental benefits that go along with educational video games. Children can learn how to problem-solve in order to advance within some games while others allow them to express and build their creativity. Many of these games also offer strong and relatable characters who can help children develop important social skills.

The key to unlocking these developmental benefits is to choose your child’s games carefully and to stay involved in their experience. Don’t just choose games for their entertainment value, choose games that will teach kids educational content or help them build their skills and confidence.

Don’t just leave them alone at the computer for hours. To really get the developmental benefits out of the games, ask questions about what they’re doing and praise their effort. Another good interactive option is to play exercise-based video games together to boost mood and brain function and to build the foundations for lifelong fitness as a family.

Video Game Therapy for Kids

While research indicates that letting children play violent video games probably isn’t a good idea, other studies show that there are lots of opportunities for interactive games in helping children not just to develop, but to support their mental health needs as well. Some psychologists are beginning to see the benefits of using video games as a therapy tool. “Gamification,” (using the rules of games for practical applications) they claim, has the potential to help promote well-being and address mental health problems in young people.

The researchers dive into four main benefits that modern video games can provide: cognitive, motivational, emotional, and social. Using video games appropriately in therapy could be a great way to engage kids and cater to their specific needs.

While they acknowledge that there is still more research that needs to be done and more in terms of game design to create appropriate therapy tools, it shows promise. Many mental health professionals are very excited about the emerging use of gamification in counseling.

Video Game Therapy for Children with Learning Disabilities

It can be a challenge to engage with children who have learning disabilities or struggle with social and emotional skills. Some children have communication issues or struggle with basic learning concepts. For these children, sitting down and studying more isn’t always the right option.

Video games can be a great way to engage kids with learning disabilities. These activities are fun and exciting enough to encourage interactive learning and present information in a new way. Children who struggle to retain information might learn better through a game that’s designed for their disability, such as Fast ForWord, which is made specifically to help children with dyslexia learn language and reading skills.

VR Will Change the Way We Teach

During the pandemic, many students found out what it was like to learn virtually. Although we hope students will be able to continue in-person learning now that the pandemic is waning, we might continue to use virtual tools to enhance and change the way we teach children.

VR (virtual reality) is a tool that could really make a difference in students’ lives, especially when paired with video games that help children develop skills and cognitive abilities. Games with VR capabilities have come a long way in the last few years and could be merged with these interactive, educational games designed for kids to enhance interactivity and improve distance learning.

We’ve come a long way from the days when “experts” believed that video games would be society’s downfall. We know better now, and a more balanced view of video games is helping kids learn, grow, and thrive.

Sarah Daren has been a consultant for startups in industries including health and wellness, wearable technology, and education. She implements her health knowledge into every aspect of her life, including her position as a yoga instructor and raising her children. Sarah enjoys watching baseball and reading on the beach. 

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How I Explain Racism to My White Friends (So They Can Explain It to Their Kids)

by Ayren Jackson-Cannady

Editor’s note: At Red Tricycle, we stand for justice, humanity and equal rights. We stand with Black families, co-workers, partners and the community to speak out against racism. We also stand for education and connection. Our writer, Ayren Jackson-Cannady, offers us not only perspective here but real, actionable ways to make positive change.


…and what to do when you just don’t have the words.

Last year, when my husband and I took our kids to a state fair, it was the first time our son was tall enough to ride a “scary” ride. Of course, the ride he chose (hello, Kamikaze!) was also the most popular with an estimated 30-minute wait time. Just when I was ready to throw in the funnel cake and find a new thrill ride, a family of stilt walkers—a mom, dad, and two kids—toddled towards us, stopping nearby for a quick performance. 

They did karate kicks and jumping jacks. They hopped on one foot and then the other. They did a very elaborate chicken dance. The mom stilt walker even hula hooped…while juggling!

My attention quickly shifted from “this line is never going to move” to “how in the world are these people (these kids!) maneuvering with those things tied to their feet?”

So it goes with race and injustice. 

Being Black in America is like being a stilt walker.

In order to get from point A to point B, it’s necessary to maintain a very specific amount of balance. Leaning too much to one side or the other—being too loud, too quiet, too educated, too uneducated, too this, too that—can be detrimental.

And, it doesn’t matter how skilled you are. It doesn’t matter how far you climb the corporate ladder. It doesn’t matter how much joy you bring into the lives of others or how AWESOME you are. When you miss a beat or skip a step (or go jogging…or birding…or shopping…) the bumps in the road of injustice can bring you down—and bring you down hard. 

Question: Have you ever seen a stilt walker get back up on their own after a tumble? Nope. Because, guess what? They can’t. Stilt walkers rely on helpers on the ground to dust them off and lift them back up. White Americans who don’t have to walk on the stilts of inequality have the ability—the privilege—to be the helpers for communities of color. 

Stepping out of the shadow of privilege is making someone else’s struggle your struggle.

It’s kicking those pebbles of racial injustice out of the way to prevent the tragic wrecks. And when Black moms, dads, and kids start to wobble, it’s steadying them by grabbing a stilt until balance is found.

And if the words never come. That’s okay, too. Sometimes—er, all the time—actions speak louder than words. Here are some things that you can DO with your kids that will help to open their eyes to race and injustice:

Read with them.

Even if they’re 10 and think they’re grown and too old to be read to…there are a bajillion books out there that address the topic of bias, diversity and injustice in a way that kids get. Start here: 

Connect with families not like your own.

Sure, you might have to do that virtually now. But when it’s safe for everyone, get together to serve other families in your community that might need help. Remember: It’s all about steadying those who are walking on stilts. 

Play!

 Surround your kids with toys and playthings that help cultivate appreciation and acceptance for people that don’t look like them. These are fun: 

 

Watch films or TV shows that help educate on the topic of race and inequality.

If your kids have been watching a lot of television lately, they’re not alone. The next time they’re begging to turn on the TV, put one of these on for them:

This “stilts” example of how I envision race and injustice working may go completely over your kids’ heads (full transparency: I tried to explain it to my five-year-old and I completely lost her at the hula hooping mom). But I share all of this to say that the key to being able to talk to our kids about the injustices that have happened and continue to happen to Black people in the United States is to try to fully understand them ourselves. Once we know our history (because, news flash, Black history is everyone’s history) and we can comprehend the complexities of injustice, then we can openly and honestly communicate it to our kids. 

—Ayren Jackson-Cannady

RELATED STORIES 

21 Places to Visit to Understand Race in America 

How to Teach Children Compassion 

How to Educate Your Children on Riots & Protests 

This Author Compiled a List of 500 Diverse Books for Teens & Tweens 

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The Space between a Diagnosis & Not Knowing

By Renee Sellers

Our daughter is 3 years old and was just recently diagnosed with autism.

This came with so many emotions, but the one I felt the most was peace. Finally, we knew. We were finally out of the unknown and we could move forward! It’s like I had a backpack on, and someone took out a bunch of rocks. I felt free. It was empowering. But, the road before her diagnosis was dark.

When you know something is wrong and you can’t fix it, as a parent it’s debilitating. It makes you feel so lifeless and weak because you can’t figure out what’s wrong. And doctors are great too, but they can only recommend so many things, cross off their lists, and ultimately, it’s not their child. It’s yours.

I felt so alone. I felt like no one in the whole entire world had ever gone through this. I had an aching in my heart for my daughter, Opal. I wanted to help her, but I didn’t know how.

That unknown area is the hardest. I was stay at home mom and it felt like it was my fault that my child wasn’t on the same level as all her peers. It was hard to celebrate other children’s victories when my child couldn’t relate. And the questions. Everyone asks why your child isn’t talking or if they know the alphabet or their colors, when I’m struggling to even get my child to eat food with some kind of nutritional value.

If you’re on that middle road right now, I want to encourage you. It’s not your fault. You are an amazing parent. Your child is amazing. You are not alone.

My heart goes out to you. I know how you’re feeling. I know the pain. I know the heartbreak. It’s one of the worst feelings ever. But, hang in there. You may feel like you want to raise your white flag and escape it all, but you have a child who needs you. You don’t have to pretend you’re strong or put on a brave face, but you do have to keep moving forward. Cry, let out your emotions, don’t bottle them up. But once you’re through, hike up your momma leggings, and fix that cape. You can do this. I’m rooting for you!

Hi! I'm a wife and mom to two beautiful girls! I have a three year old, Opal, and a one year old, Lucy. My oldest was just diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum. I love to watch reruns of "FRIENDS" and drink chai tea whenever I have a free second!

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Being Okay with the Stage of Motherhood You’re In Now

By Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP

Photo: Bruno Nascimento via Unsplash

I just finished an early morning exercise class. It was only 45 minutes long. By about minute 40, right when the final stretch got underway, I took a second to look around. Half the class had vacated the room and were on their way to the showers, rushing out to the rest of their days.

Now, I get that people have busy lives. I’ve definitely been in the “hurry out the door” pack before. There are times that important meetings or tasks take us quickly from checkbox to checkbox on our daily to-do list—no judgment there. But, still, the hasty mass exodus struck me as a powerful metaphor for the angst of early parenthood. For the frustration most all of us face as we hold our screaming newborn (or toddler) in the middle of the night and say to ourselves, “When will this be over? Can I just skip ahead? I’d like to leave this stage a little early.”

It’s so normal to wish away the painful parts of parenting, despite the admonishments of those further along the parenting path to “treasure the time you have.” I swear, those people must have memory loss. There are plenty of infant and toddler precious moments but there are also plenty more moments of pure stress and strife.

The real danger isn’t just with wishing the nasty parts away. It’s with these two fatal mistakes: 1. Trying to fix every natural stage a child goes through and 2. Expecting the transition through those stages to progress in a straight line, instead of a messy zig-zag.

It’s a trap reserved mostly for first-time moms and dads, but all second-timers fall into it from time to time, too, especially when they have more than one kid to juggle. I see it a lot in my practice. While a lot of new parents understand pretty quickly that feeding troubles and sleepless nights are just part of the game, some seem to bang their head against the wall with what seems like shock and terror as each new developmental stage (and headache) arises. They can’t seem to accept that certain childhood behaviors are just a normal part of growing up. And, while I’m impressed by their tenacious desire and willingness to problem-solve, sometimes I think they’ve been misled along the way by their friends and by our society.

No one tells them this crucial parenting pearl: yes, we can prevent and address a lot of health issues that come up for newborns and young kids but some things (like cluster feeding, sleep regressions and colic) are more about muddling through with the right perspective than they are about finding quick-fix solutions. Some things just take time to get better (major caveat here: if you have a serious health concern about your child and are worried about their safety or about potential illness, contact your doctor right away).

Plus (and don’t let this get you too depressed but it’s totally true), seasoned parents know that it’s not worth it to wish too hard for each stage to pass because they ALL have some annoying component in the early years. As soon as you breathe a sigh of relief that the “Terrible Twos” are over, in come the “Threenagers.” I mean, why do we even bother naming separate stages of annoyance for early childhood?

Please don’t misunderstand me. There are amazing, chart-topping experiences sprinkled in between the pain points. Like last night, when my eldest scampered up the stairs to sit through her baby sister’s bedtime story and song, crooning right alongside me to “Good Night My Someone,” my husband grinning as the two shared a hug and an Eskimo kiss. I tried my hardest to seal our fleeting seconds of peace into my memory, onto my parenting balance sheet.

So why is it so hard for us to get okay with the place we are in on our motherhood journey?

The more I struggle in my own house and watch others do the same, the more clearly I see the true reason: The rest of our lives, on the surface, have some semblance of controllability. All of our two-hour grocery delivery options and pick-up dry cleaning services trick us into thinking that, if we just complain to the right customer-service agent or do the right google search, we can fix most anything. We can get anything faster if we just pay more for it. Resolution is an easy click away. When we look deeper, though, nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to the challenges of non-consumer life.

Plus, we’ve made our vision of perfect parenthood a nostalgic mess. It can seem like the bar is set too high to ever reach modern-day parenting perfection. The further we get away from living with a village mentality – where we are sharing experiences and burdens with other parents and multigenerational mentors – the harder it is to see the truth clearly: no parent or child is perfect – we all have troubles and trials.

So what can we do? Get educated about normal baby and child development. Get mindful. Prioritize self-care. Plan really enjoyable, special one-on-one moments with our kids to balance out the negative drama. Surround ourselves with other parents who get it and with experienced confidants who can give perspective. Then, relax, get comfy and wait.

There are seasons. Seasons of struggle. Seasons of celebration. Seasons of muddling through. And, seasons of letting it ride -just being okay with the stage of motherhood we’re in now.

Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I'm a pediatrician and a mama mindset expert. I host The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, and am a mom to two young girls in Portland, Oregon. I'm also author of The New Baby Blueprint and The Working Mom Blueprint from the American Academy of Pediatrics. 

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5 Ways to Support Your Little Perfectionist

By Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen

Do you know that voice inside your head that says you “messed up,” or you “aren’t good enough?” Maybe it says other not-so-kind things, too. Most of us are familiar with the experience of having a voice inside that can be hard on us—this can be called “our inner critic.”

Adults and children alike can experience an internal battle with our inner critic. Sometimes our inner critics can get very loud, leading to feelings of anxiety, guilt or shame. Most of us don’t love feeling guilt or shame so we find strategies to avoid these feelings. One of these strategies is perfectionism. Perfectionism is when parts of us want things to be just right in order to avoid some type of negative outcome. Sometimes what we are trying to avoid is internal self-blame, other times it’s criticism or blame from others. Still, other times it’s because we are trying to avoid the disappointment of things not going as we had planned.

Perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. As we work to be perfect in an “imperfect” world, we are bound to hit some challenges along the way. Here are some signs of perfectionism:

  • Feeling badly about something unless over 100% effort is given

  • Difficulty starting tasks

  • Procrastination

  • Avoiding situations that could end in failure

  • Being highly critical of one’s self

  • Difficulty coping with making mistakes

  • Struggling with shame/embarrassment

  • Struggling with self-doubt

  • Struggling with appearing vulnerable

  • Focusing strongly on outcomes or end-results

The signs above can apply to both children and adults. Do you see any that you recognize? Sometimes it can be hard to pick up on perfectionistic tendencies in young children. Younger children may show perfectionism less verbally, and more in how they behave in certain situations. For instance:

  • Having frequent meltdowns when they make a mistake

  • Expressing embarrassment or shame when they get hurt

  • Working hard to avoid disappointing others

  • Struggling with making choices

  • Avoiding trying new things or starting tasks

  • Constantly asking for adult help for tasks they are able to do themselves.

To be clear these signs need to be taken into context as there are other reasons children may show these behaviors, but it can be helpful to begin to notice what is triggering to each child. If it seems like it may be along with the themes of “making mistakes” or having things be “just so,” perfectionism may be what you are seeing. If we notice these things early, we can start to support children to learn self-acceptance.

So what can you do if you notice a child struggling with perfectionism or their own inner-critic? Moving towards self-acceptance can help find ways of welcoming all parts of us, just the way they are. Try some of these ideas for supporting self-acceptance at home:

Here are some ideas for supporting perfectionist kiddos at home:

1. Celebrate strengths. Even perfectionism has its positive sides. Make sure your child understands that you appreciate them just the way they are.

2. Model positive self-talk. When you make a mistake, watch what you say to yourself. Model for your child how to be kind to yourself even when you mess up.

3. Welcome all feelings. When we welcome anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between we send the message that being human is okay! Sometimes we aren’t at our best or say things in anger, and we can work through those things.

4. Teach Repair. Sometimes shame and self-criticism can be strong for children because they don’t know “how to make it right.” Let your children know that there is always something we can try to do to make it right.

5. Try open-ended games and art. Try offering games, activities, and opportunities that don’t just have one right answer. This openness can take the pressure off and allow for more creativity, joy and relaxation throughout the day.

For even more support in tackling perfectionism, introduce Yak, a new Slumberkins creature whose story teaches the concepts of self-acceptance, perfectionism and perseverance by reminding little ones that they are enough, just as they are. Reading Yak’s book with your little one and practicing the self-acceptance affirmation can help your child take risks and understand that it’s okay to not be perfect at something the first time they try it.

This post originally appeared on www.slumberkins.com.
Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world. 

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New Survey Reveals What It’s Really Like Trying to Conceive

by Erica Loop

A recent survey of more than 1,000 Americans found that 40 percent of hopefully soon-to-be parents believe more resources or support would have helped them in their fertility struggles.

The survey, which was collected by OnePoll for Clearblue’s #Conceivinghood campaign, also found that 15 percent of TTC parents say their journey to a baby, “has been a struggle.” Of the parents polled, 32 percent also believe the struggle to conceive is too awkward to talk about—with 10 percent admitting they hadn’t told anyone about their fertility issues.

photo: Nappy via Pexels

OnePoll and Clearblue ranked the top 10 list of “What’s it like trying to conceive?” The answers were:

“Exciting” – 41%
“Fun” – 41%
“Sexy” – 37%
“Stressful” – 25%
“Impersonal” – 20%
“Boring” – 18%
“Repetitive” – 17%
“Frustrating” – 17%
“Upsetting” – 15%
“Difficult” – 12%

Dr. Fiona Clancy, R&D Senior Director, Swiss Precision Diagnostics, said in a press release, “Society always talks about motherhood, fatherhood and parenthood, but there’s a blind spot when it comes to discussing that delicate stage of trying for a baby.”

Along with the survey responses, OnePoll also asked the TTC parents about their individual perspectives on fertility and the road to parenthood. One participant said, “It takes time, especially for non-traditional families. It feels like you are alone in a world of people who have it easy and complain about problems when they don’t understand how easy they have it. But hold on because there are others of us out there.”

—Erica Loop

 

RELATED STORIES

Why Don’t Men Talk about Infertility?

How It Feels to Finally Have A Baby After A Long Struggle With Infertility

Mom of 5 & Infertility Survivor Gives Woman the Ultimate Gift—So She Can Be a Mom, Too

 

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When Your Teen Is Drowning in Their Mental Health Problems

By Tanya Teichroeb

Photo: Tanya Teichroeb

“Two drowning people can’t save each other, remember?” I say as my teen’s thumbs tap across their phone on the couch across from me.

It’s 10:35 p.m. and a friend with similar mental health struggles posted something dark in their stories again. It’s a regular occurrence—but not always the same friend on the other end. A struggling teen reaches out to mine because they understand each other’s dark thoughts. My child hurts for them because they know the mental pain first hand and can’t rest until they’ve talked their friend back into a safe zone.

It’s a hard line to balance on. On one hand they can’t abandon their desperate friend, but on the other hand, it adds stress to an already stressed-out brain.

I often repeat my drowning scenario as a reminder to be careful.

Life is a lake in my scenario and we all experience it differently. You’ll see the competitive swimmers with purpose to every stroke and the relaxed ones floating as they soak up the sun. Look a little harder and you’ll see some weathering storms and gasping for air as they wait for it to pass and still others use a personal floatation device (PFD) to make sure they get where they need without going under.

Then there are the ones silently treading water and struggling for air. All their strength is used to keep from drowning. They don’t feel the sun. They don’t seem to be getting anywhere. However, they notice other people in the same predicament…and they latch on to each other.

Sound dangerous? It is, but it’s easier to reach out to someone who obviously understands you. You don’t reach out to someone who tells you to try harder. Their advice is useless.

What my teen needs is a life-saving device like a PFD. Maybe it’s made of counsellor appointments, doctor visits, medications, healthier eating, etc. Maybe part of it is a supportive family and safe places to talk. Whatever it’s made of, it’s slow to put together and hard to put on at first as it’s made of many components working together.

What our teens need is a hero.

Someone that made it through. Someone that conquered those inner voices or learned to control and manage them so they could go on to fulfill their dreams. Someone who knows what it feels like to fight for air, but is not currently in that state.

Our struggling teens don’t look at someone floating leisurely in the sun or swimming hard to pursue their goal and feel inspired to try. No, they think “I can’t do that.”

What they need is someone who was struggling to keep their head above water, but grew stronger and now swims with confidence. Our youth need to hear how people around them once wondered if they would ever make it.

They need to know that the people they think have it all together, used to fight for survival.

They need heroes in mental health. They need to hear if you fought with depression every day or anxiety kept you from functioning some weeks. They need to know that there are mental health heroes all around them.

They need you to swim up beside them and help them put that PFD on.

You can start by saying “I was drowning once too.”

 

This post originally appeared on Teens and Coffee Beans by Tanya Teichroeb.

Tanya is a mother to three teens and writes about these beautiful and challenging years on Teens & Coffee Beans-by Tanya Teichroeb | Facebook. 

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