ML Interest Tag: suicide

How to Help Kids That Are Grieving Life before COVID

By Sally Baird

COVID kids

Of course, kids are grieving now. The pandemic has plunged all of us into a shared and chronic grief as we mourn life before COVID-19. It is important to recognize the grief in our children (and ourselves) and learn ways to mitigate it. This article will define grief, discuss the stages and symptoms of children’s grief, and give specific ideas for helping children. The ideas can be modified by teachers and other caregivers.

What Is Grief?

Grief is the response to loss. Many think that someone has to die for grief feelings to be real, but grief can be connected to any type of loss. Think of what our kids have lost this past year. The list is so long, but definitely includes the loss of in-person school, friends, routines, sports, missing out on milestones, and life as your children knew it. Also, if you consider that parents are more stressed, without their old routines, worried about their jobs, money, and illness; then you have the perfect storm for collective grief in your home.

Stages of Grief

Years ago, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief. Even for our children, they make sense.

  • Denial — My life isn’t going to be any different. Nothing will change for me.
  • Anger — I hate this. Why can’t I see my friends? Everyone is overreacting.
  • Bargaining — If I just wear my mask for 2 weeks, I can go to school.
  • Despair — All I feel is sadness. Life will never go back to normal. I don’t have any friends and I am not learning anything.
  • Acceptance — Although life is tough right now, I can do some things to make it better. I will follow health rules and my parents will help me with new ways to connect. I must be patient.

Symptoms of Grief

Kids will feel the grief in their bodies before you and they recognize it as grief. No one experiences it in exactly the same way. And of course, the symptoms of grief change with each age level of children (SAMHSA). Below are just some of the symptoms to watch for in your kids.

  • Children 5 years and under may be more clingy, undergo regressed behavior, have eating and sleeping changes, unexplained aches and pains, cry for no reason, have new worries, and act withdrawn.
  • Children ages 6 to 10 years may have new fears, regression in developmental behavior, sleep problems, more tears, headaches/stomach aches, and act aggressively.
  • Tweens and teens ages 11-19 years old may show more difficulty coping with life, increased anxiety, more arguments, resist authority, and engage in more risky behavior. If someone in this age group has an underlying mood disorder, the risk of suicide increases significantly.

It is important to recognize that these symptoms can be normal for the grief process. As with worry and sadness, grief should be dealt with as soon as it is identified. Research shows that when strong negative emotions are not addressed, they can lead to lifelong mood disorders, a lower quality of life, and become harder to treat in adulthood. In contrast, when negative emotions are dealt with early in a child’s life, they will learn enduring skills to help them through life’s future bumps and bruises. If we allow a child their sadness, it doesn’t make sadness bigger, instead, it actually makes the sadness smaller because the child feels understood and validated. The child may come to a place of acceptance of her situation and feelings.

Ways to Help with Grief

  1. Listen and then listen more. The article about Worry Time will give you specifics about ways to be present, undistracted, non-judgmental, and use open-ended questions.
  2. Explore what your child is most grieving. It can be helpful to use the tips from the Shrinking the Worry Monster book and/or make a DIY Worry Box. It is possible that your child can’t identify his specific losses at first.
  3. Be creative. Often grief feelings don’t come out as words. Have your child write a story about himself, draw a picture, or keep a journal.
  4. Use meditation techniques through apps or books. Just pausing and taking slow deep breaths can be very centering.
  5. Go outside and exercise.
  6. Tell your child that it’s okay not to be okay. Telling someone to have happy thoughts, get over it, or look on the bright side can be dismissive of the genuine pain others are feeling. Though meant to be encouraging, these comments can have the opposite effect and be toxic.
  7. Don’t be dismissive of your child’s grief. Remember that no one has to die for grief feelings to be real. Never negate or qualify anyone’s grief. Also do not compare your child’s grief with others—“Olive lost her grandmother, you’re just missing school.” There are no winners in comparative suffering. Real grief can only be defined by the person feeling it.
  8. Recognize that other’s grief can make us uncomfortable and we tend to avoid it. Minimizing someone’s grief may make “us” feel better, but not the grieving child.
  9. Get professional help if your child seems especially down. And recognize that the risk of suicide among tweens and teens is very real.
  10. Be open to joy and take care of yourself!

Like most of us, your child may be experiencing grief for life before COVID-19. This article defines grief, discusses the stages and symptoms of a child’s grief, and gives specific ways to help minimize the impact of grief. For the sake of your child’s future mental health, research indicates that grief should be addressed early. It is hoped that these tools will be helpful to everyone in your family.

 

This post originally appeared on www.drsallyb.com.

I am a child psychologist who specializes in children's anxiety. I just published a top seller children's book titled Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid's Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. I love sharing ideas about decreasing worry in children, especially now. I also love to hike and bike in beautiful Pacific NW. 

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4 Reasons Why My 13 Year-Old Is Not Allowed on Social Media

By Missy Woodruff

Ok. it’s 2019. I get (well not really) that people feel like their fetus needs to have its own Snapchat. But can we please take a minute to talk about this. I have a 13 year old, and I think he is literally the only kid in his 7th grade class who does not have a Social Media account. I’m not joking. Has he asked for one (or two)? Yep. But we’re still holding out. And here’s why.

1. It’s A Big Time-Suck
I‘m not going to even tell you how many hours I spend a day on Instagram. Although it’s probably just as long as you do. We’ve all been there. We have a few minutes so we open the app, just to get caught up on all of the important things Kendall Jenner is up to. Next thing we know, an hour has gone by, the laundry is still sitting in the dryer waiting to be folded, and your dog is staring at you in a judgemental way.

Now imagine how hard it would be to manage that as a 13 year old. My kid can barely manage his time as it is. His room is a mess, he forgets about important homework assignments, he has school projects to work on, guitar to practice, and swim team to get to. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be for him if he had the lure of Snapchat right at his fingertips.

Besides, he’s already on his phone too much- texting, watching YouTube or streaming “The Office.” Common Sense Media reports that teenagers spend an average of 9 hours a day on their phones, and prefer texting to talking in-person. Think about that.

2. What My Kid Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him
My son is a super happy person. He’s involved in tons of school activities, plays the guitar and swims on a competitive swim team. He has a great group of friends with whom he texts (constantly) and hangs out with on the weekend.

But guess what? There are a lot of parties he hasn’t been invited to. Plans have been made without him. People who are hanging out on Saturday nights who decided to to include him.

Does he know about these things? Maybe, maybe not.

But, if he had Instagram or Snapchat he would see the parties, hangouts, and walks into town happening right as they were occuring. I’m not saying he should live in a bubble and think he’s included all the time- but seriously, has any 13 year old ever felt that way, ever? We live in a weird culture where there’s now a hashtag to encompass the feeling of missing out on things, and I don’t want my kid feeling that anymore than he needs to.

3. It Makes It Harder To Connect 
Remember when you were in 7th grade? If you wanted to talk to your friend on the phone, you called her house and most likely an adult answered the phone, which required you to have a conversation. Today, my son rarely has to talk to his friends’ parents because they make plans via text.

It used to be that if you wanted to watch TV, you had to do it in the family room with everyone else, and guess what? You had to compromise with your siblings when deciding what to watch. But now, my kid streams Netflix on his phone while his younger siblings watch something different on TV.

It takes real effort for families to stay connected. I go through my son’s texts and I’m constantly reminding him that only watching “The Office” with his headphones on is unnecessary since we can watch it as a family.

Retreating to Instagram or SnapChat would make it even more challenging for us to stay connected.

One of the ways our family likes to reset and connect is by going on long weekend trips throughout the school year. I can only imagine how different our time in Disney or our recent trip to Memphis would have been if he had felt the need to constantly post about what we were doing, or check in on what was going on on Social Media.

Speaking of disconnected, during our Southwest roadtrip last Summer, we saw a number of teens consumed by their phones in majestic locations like the Grand Canyon, Monument Valley, and even while hiking the Narrows in Zion National Park!

4. Serious Mental Health Risks
It’s no secret that suicide rates are on the rise. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, Suicide is the second leading cause of death, after accidental injury, among people ages 10-34. Between 2001-2017, incidents of Suicide increased by 31%  Of course, not every kid who is on Social Media is going to have suicidal thoughts. But there is clear evidence that Social Media does have an adverse effect on our mental well being.

In March of 2019, NBC News reported on a study conducted by The American Psychological Association on mental health and Social Media. The study said that kids born in 1995 and later show increased signs of mental health issues. Most notably, the greatest spike in symptoms were seen in 2011, not coincidentally the same year that Instagram and Snapchat were founded.

It’s ironic that a platform based on connecting people socially is actually associated with feelings of social isolation and social anxiety.  Think back on your time in Middle School. Everyone, at one point or another, felt lonely or anxious about a social situation. Now imagine adding Social Media to your adolescence. Can you imagine how that might have exacerbated your perceptions?

Bottom Line…

So, while I’ve given in and gotten my kid a phone—and trust me, he was one of the last to have one of those, too—when it comes to Social Media, I’m standing my ground. But here’s the interesting thing. After asking and asking for an Instagram (he knows SnapChat is not an option), one day he just stopped. Maybe it was because we explained that we didn’t want his self-worth to be dictated by how many likes he has. Or maybe it was because he was tired of hearing us say no, and he didn’t want to even bother anymore.

It will always be something. When I was in 7th grade I begged my parents for a TV in my room, and I didn’t understand why we couldn’t have a separate “Kids Line” like my friend Kelly did. My parents had their reasons, and that was that- no matter how unfair I thought they were.

Part of being a teenager is wanting what you can’t have and thinking your parents are unfair. Hell, if your kid doesn’t feel that way, then you’re probably doing something wrong!

But, our job as parents isn’t to give them what they want; our job is to help them navigate childhood (especially adolescence) in the best way possible.

Having a teenager in 2019 means you’re going to constantly be trying to balance when they should and shouldn’t be on their phone. However, it’s our job to make sure we’re providing them with the alternatives they need. Put the phone away and: go out to dinner, go to the movies together, watch a game on TV as a family, or take the dog for a family walk.

We only have them around for so long. Let’s make that time count. 

I'm Missy, a mother of three and a middle school drama teacher at a private school. I'm obsessed with my Vizsla (dog), traveling, and the musical Hamilton. I also enjoy writing and sharing fun parenting stories, which is what brought me here.

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What Kids Should Learn About Mental Health

By Janet Coburn

Photo: zdravinjo

The stigma and the misinformation surrounding mental illness are staggering.

How many adults believe that depression is “just being sad”? That the weather can be “bipolar”? That you can call yourself OCD because you’re a little too organized? That suicide threats are never acted on? That mentally ill people are dangerous? That prayer, or sunshine, or positive thinking will cure all mental disorders?

We can’t do much about educating and informing the adult population that all those beliefs are false. But we can avoid raising another generation that buys into these misconceptions – if we start now with mental health education in schools.

Whenever someone proposes this idea, there are common objections. You want kindergartners to learn about schizophrenia. You’ll have impressionable kids thinking they have every disorder you teach about. Discussing suicide will give teens ideas.

Again, those are misconceptions. Mental health education in schools could look like this:

In kindergarten and grades 1-2, part of the health curriculum should be a unit about understanding emotions and how to deal with them. This is already being done when teachers tell kids to “use your words” or “use your indoor voice.” But more could be done in the area of teaching children how they can keep from letting anger, sadness, frustration, and other emotions cause them difficulties. Yes, this may involve techniques that resemble meditation and yes, these may be controversial, but the outcomes will be beneficial.

I also think that young children ought to be taught about autism. They will certainly meet autistic children in their classes at this age. Helping them understand the condition at their age level will, one can hope, lead to more inclusion and less bullying of kids who are “different.”

Older children can learn about mental illness in their science or health classes. This should be a unit that covers the basic facts: that mental illness is like physical illness in some ways, that treatment is available, that mental or emotional disorders will affect one in four Americans in their lifetimes, and that mentally ill persons are not generally dangerous.

Middle schoolers can be taught some more specifics: the names and symptoms of some of the most common disorders, the kinds of treatments available, famous people who have succeeded in spite of mental disorders and ordinary people who live fulfilling lives despite them. Speakers from local mental health centers or the school guidance counselor would be helpful.

The topics of self-harm and suicide should be brought up at the middle school level. It is sad but true that children in the middle school age range are affected by both – if not directly, by knowing a classmate who is. And suicide is the third leading cause of death for children ages 10-14. Learning the facts may help students who need it find help before it is too late.

In high school, the focus can shift to human psychology; more detail about serious psychological conditions; and the possibility of careers in mental health treatment, nursing, or advocacy. Topics of self-harm and suicide should be covered in greater detail, with discussions of how suicide affects the families and loved ones of those who die by suicide, how to recognize possible signs that a person is thinking about suicide or self-harm, and what does and doesn’t work when a person shows those signs.

The details of mental health education in schools still need to be worked out. These suggestions come from my experience as a person with bipolar disorder, who began showing symptoms while I was a child. Organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) provide resources that can help in understanding the need for mental health education among school-aged children.

Understanding mental health is as important for schoolchildren as understanding physical health. Why should one get all the attention and the other virtually none? Mental health education that begins early can help children and their families in ways that will resonate far into the future.

Most adults have little to no understanding of the realities of mental illness. It doesn’t have to be the same for the next generation.

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

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The Cartoon That Taught My Daughter Her First Swear Word

By Sean Herman

My daughter Kaylie was four years old. She was sitting on her favorite kitchen stool, headphones on, watching cartoons on our family iPad. After the video ended, she walked over to me and asked the meaning of a word that’s not fit to print. My jaw hit the floor. I asked her where she heard a word like that, and she told me it was in the video she just watched. I unplugged her headphones, and sure enough, there was Dora the Explorer swearing like a sailor. 

This is a true story about YouTube content gone wrong, and sadly, one that a lot of parents are familiar with. Another infamous example that made headlines featured a man offering advice on how to commit suicide in a clip of a popular children’s video game. And this kind of rogue, inexplicably disturbing content is a problem of YouTube’s own making—one that’s inherent to a platform with a hands-off moderation policy where anyone can publish anything. 

Should YouTube vet and approve videos before they go live? This was the question facing the platform earlier this year. The platform had agreed to make changes to improve child privacy following an investigation and $170 million fine from the FTC, and apparently they were considering moderating all content across the platform. But, they ultimately decided against it, which isn’t all that surprising given that around 500 hours of content is uploaded to YouTube every minute. And, it would have changed the nature of the platform itself: they would no longer be a “neutral” space where anyone could upload anything.

If they decided to curate, YouTube would have taken a giant leap towards becoming a programmer, which would expose them to increased regulation, liability, and risk. So instead, YouTube now requires content creators to designate whether their content is for kids or not. This essentially puts the onus on content creators—and holds them more directly responsible for the content they create. 

In theory, this change—and the other updates YouTube made recently—should help protect children’s privacy, but the platform stopped short of the change that could make the content itself safer for kids: moderation. It’s hard to know what compels someone to make Dora say unholy things, or (even worse) to splice instructions for self-harm into a kids’ video, but as long as there’s a platform that relies on content creators to self-police their videos, it’s likely to keep happening. 

So what can parents do to keep their kids safe on YouTube? We learned the hard way that looks can be deceiving, so we made a few changes to the way we used YouTube in our family after the Dora incident. Kaylie only watched videos sans headphones until she got a little older. That way, we could intervene if Peppa Pig started running her mouth. We also stuck to videos on channels we knew and trusted, and we adopted a hard rule: no clicking through recommended videos. 

It’s of course “best practice” to watch content together with your kids, but that’s not always possible, especially when YouTube is giving you a much-needed parental sanity break. So, if you’re setting your kids up to watch a video and you’re feeling concerned, jump ahead to a few spots throughout to make sure there’s nothing untoward. And it’s not a bad idea to have a talk with your children about what to do if they see something upsetting. Older kids might even be ready to learn how to report videos on their own. 

Short of the platform moderating every video before it goes live, it’s going to be tricky to stop bad people from publishing bad things. Hopefully the increased liability on the part of content creators makes them think twice before targeting children with disturbing videos, but it’s a good idea to stay vigilant when your kids are involved. 

 

Sean Herman is CEO/founder of Kinzoo, a new company that helps parents turn screen time into family time. Sean aims to make Kinzoo the most-trusted brand for incorporating technology into children’s lives. Sean's first book, "Screen Captured," debuted at number one in Amazon's parenting category, and separates technology fact from fiction for parents.

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One Cool Thing: Handmade Bracelets for a Cause

by Erin Lem

If the COVID-19 pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we all cope with uncertainty in different ways. For cousins Sabrina Haechler & Jessica Bukowski, quarantine led them to channel their energy into helping others. Their new project called resilienSEED features handmade bracelets with words spelled out in Morse Code using seed beads. Profits from all the bracelets are donated to causes that align with Sabrina and Jessica’s values. Read on to find out more about resilienSEED and these charming bracelets that are handmade with love.

What are resilienSEED bracelets and who makes them?
Handbeaded in Mill Valley, California, resilienSEED bracelets are simple, stylish and functional. They’re made out of waxed polyester, which makes them totally waterproof. You can adjust them to fit all wrist sizes and they can also slip easily on and off.

The cousins tell us, “We’re super fortunate to have a lot of help from our relatives, many of whom live nearby. On any given day, there’s a good chance that you’ll find our parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins helping us out with beading. So many great things have come from resilienSEED, including the bonding of our family during the pandemic.”

Where do the profits go?
To date, resilienSEED has raised around $1,500. Sabrina and Jessica explain that, “originally, we were focused on raising money for COVID-19 relief. We chose to donate to the Child Mind Institute’s COVID-19 response after Emma Davidson, a family member and Psychotherapist, spoke to us about the importance of mental health, especially during these uncertain times. After a month of launching resilienSEED, we realized that we could have a greater impact in our community. Now, we stay up-to-date on current events, and we’ve expanded to raising money and awareness for social justice (Campaign Zero), LBGTQ+ suicide prevention (The Trevor Project), and tuition for children affected by cancer (The Forever 49 Foundation).”

Designs and custom orders
Choose from 10 different designs with empowering words like “Strength”, “Love”, “Unite” and “Justice” spelled out in Morse Code.

The dynamic duo reveal, “We knew that we wanted each type of bracelet to represent something different, which is why we use seed beads. Each bracelet is beaded with two different colors of seed beads, which collectively spell out a word in Morse Code.”

resilienSEED also accepts custom orders for $10. We ordered a bracelet with our kids’ names spelled out in Morse Code.

Order yours at resilienseedbracelets.weebly.com/. Prices start at $6, inclusive of shipping.

—Erin Lem

Photos: resilienSEED

 

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The Key to Raising Successful Kids & the Mistakes I See Parents Making

By Andie Huber

Photo: Anne Wojcicki

This is an adapted excerpt from “How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results,” by Esther Wojcicki published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, available now in hardback, and coming out in paperback August 2020.

Famous Mother, Famous Daughters

“It’s rather strange to be a “famous” parent and have your family profiled on the cover of magazines. I certainly don’t claim all the credit for their successes, but all three have turned out to be accomplished, caring, and capable people.

My daughter Susan is the CEO of YouTube, Janet is a professor of pediatrics, and Anne is the co-founder and CEO of 23andMe. They rose to the top of ultra-competitive, male-dominated professions.

Parents constantly ask me for advice. Through my decades of experience as a mother, grandmother, and educator, I’ve identified several fundamental values that help our kids achieve success.

One of these values is kindness, and it’s one that some parents fail to teach their kids.

Teach Your Kids to Care

I grew up believing it was my duty to contribute and make our community better. I still feel that way. If everyone just sits around and talks, nothing gets done. I was always a doer.

All of this influenced my daughters, not because I lectured to them about the importance of serving the community—but because I truly cared.

I tried to show them through my actions what they could achieve. I didn’t realize at the time the profound impact it has on children’s well-being, which has been confirmed by a number of interesting studies.
 

The Importance of Community

Teenagers who volunteer with younger children experience both decreased negative moods and cardiovascular risk, according to a 2013 study. Another study, from 2016, found that teenagers who performed volunteer work were significantly less likely to engage in illegal behaviors and also had fewer convictions and arrests between the ages of 24 and 34.

But how many of us think about this when it comes to parenting? How many of us take up causes and show our kids, through our own behavior, how to fight for our communities? How many children feel empowered to take on the biggest challenges of our time and find a way to contribute?

It’s sad to say, but I’ve noticed more and more kids completely focused on themselves. Where they want to go to college, vacations they want to take, things they want to buy. Sometimes it feels like we’re training a nation and a world of narcissists, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that helicopter parenting has played a big role in this.
 

The American Idea Is All Wrong

Kids are growing up feeling like they’re the center of the universe. As young adults, they’re not only lacking grit and independence; they’re wholly unprepared to take on causes that could make the world a better place.

They tend to focus on money because they think it will make them happy and fulfilled. It’s the American idea: Get rich, then do nothing. Sit on a beach. Go out for an expensive dinner. Go to Las Vegas. But these kinds of pursuits turn people into narcissists and thrill addicts.

There seems to be a number of them here in Silicon Valley, people who worry about themselves before anyone else. They don’t prioritize the good of the community, they don’t fight for social causes and they aren’t pursuing a life of meaning and purpose.

As a result, they often end up isolated and depressed. I’ve met lots of unhappy millionaires and even some unhappy billionaires. A lot of them probably started out as directionless kids.
 

Prioritize Service & Purpose

Why do you think that here in the U.S. we have an epidemic of opioid addiction, depression, and suicide? We don’t seem to have the right information about how to live well, how to take care of ourselves and others.

We’re chasing money and possessions. Not service, not purpose. If we have a purpose at all, it’s to make ourselves happy. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s this: You’re happiest—as well as most beneficial to society—when you’re doing things to help others.

Your family may have similar stories and a natural impulse to serve. You might know exactly how I felt as a college student convinced I could change the world. But what if you don’t? What if you were told to focus on personal success and don’t know where to start?

Well, I have good news: It’s not that hard. The main thing you need is the right attitude—toward yourself and your children. You can start small. Volunteer for one hour in your community. Go to a city council meeting. Research an issue that affects your neighborhood. At the very least, you can vote.

Everywhere there’s a problem to be solved, someone or some group to support and champion. It really is a way of being in the world, and when it comes to our kids, it pays to shape this perspective as early as possible.”

This is an adapted excerpt from “How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results,” by Esther Wojcicki published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt coming out in paperback August 2020. Copyright © 2019. Used by permission.

A lifest‌yle writer whose work can be seen in Red Tricycle, Money.com, Livestrong.com and Redbook. When she’s not checking out new events, museums, and restaurants to keep her and her kids entertained, she can be found wandering around flea markets and thrift stores looking for cool vintage finds.

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Practicing Imperfection

By Amy Jorgensen

I’ve known that I’m a perfectionist for years. I actually wore my perfectionism like a badge for a long time. Taking great pride in the assignments I turned in or the cookies that were just right. A few years ago I found out that perfectionism isn’t healthy. That there is a gaping difference between appearing perfect and striving to become better. Thank you Brené Brown!

So I started on a journey to “become better.” I started a bullet journal, I made goals, I tracked habits. I needed to drink enough water every day, I needed to exercise, I needed to pray, study, write, eat enough fruits and vegetables, serve others, document gratitude, take more pictures, on and on. They were all simple things. Needful things. Healthy things. I was doing pretty good so I added some extras. I needed to paint everyday, run the dishwasher every day, vacuum, read a book, volunteer in my child’s class, help them study extra, master bread baking, cheese making, organize like Marie Kondo. On and on.

They were all simple, needful, healthy things. And then the drowning came. It was as much of a shock to me as it was to my husband. He felt so utterly betrayed when he ripped that knife from my hands. And I sunk to the floor sobbing. I was trying so damn hard. So DAMN hard. I was doing so good. I was keeping the house clean. I was praying. I was being grateful. I was drinking water and eating fruits and vegetables. I was taking vitamins. I was exercising. I was praying and studying and reading and being creative. I was checking all the boxes. But why? All of that was supposed to make my life simple and healthy. I was supposed to be okay. But there I was, on the floor with a stinging wrist and a defeated heart. I had given life my very best and it still wasn’t enough. By the literal grace of God, I was able to go to therapy where I learned how harmful those little boxes I was checking are. I realized I was climbing up on top of each box I checked, thinking I was getting somewhere, but all I got was a more painful fall.

I stopped making boxes to check for a long time. My goals changed drastically. I now just needed to make it through each daunting day, breath by sad little breath. Starting to heal was insanely harder than trying so damn hard to be perfect. It hurt more and I was sorely tempted to go back to being a perfectionist. At least I was functioning then. At least my family wasn’t eating cereal for dinner. At least the house was clean. At least I was useful. I didn’t like this part of me. This scared, raw, vulnerable version. Only weeks before I was planning trips and voicing my opinion in important meetings. I was teaching and constantly serving others. I was strong and capable.

When the time came, it felt like saying a final goodbye to a loved one you want so desperately in your life, but you know they’re toxic. You know you can’t heal until they’ve left. So I said goodbye to perfectionist Amy. And I mourned for a while. Sometimes she still calls, begging to come back and I have to be firm. I have to remember why I sent her away. 

And now, I am still scared, raw, and vulnerable but I’m finding new strength and capability. One that doesn’t come from checking boxes but from pushing them aside. My mom and sister came to visit this weekend and I didn’t mop the floor, or scrub the bathroom or spray the letters off the window my daughter wrote in a piece of cheddar cheese (apparently it works like a crayon!) a few days ago. Perfectionist Amy would have. 

I didn’t decorate for Halloween this year. Instead, I told my girls they got to do it all on their own, and boy did they. When I found myself beginning to criticize I shut my mouth and walked away. Perfectionist Amy would have placed all that decor she made herself on perfect display. I promised to bring breadsticks to a Halloween party earlier this week. I intended to bake them myself, I love to bake, but it didn’t happen, so I bought them instead. Perfectionist Amy would have baked them from scratch and at the last minute so they were hot. But I’m not perfectionist Amy anymore. These are my new triumphs. I am practicing imperfection. I am letting myself breathe deeper and live a more meaningful life. And every time I let go of some stupid box I feel I must check, every time I push it aside instead of climbing on top of it. I grow stronger and more capable. I could have mopped the floor and cleaned the window. I could have decorated and baked those breadsticks but instead, I chose to be calm. I chose to take the time to write. To play with my kids. To talk to my husband.  My family and I still celebrate when I make dinner or bake bread, I feel immensely proud of myself when the house is clean. But I also celebrate when we eat cereal and when I choose to hold my babies instead of folding the laundry. Because the right choice looks different each day. The right choice is accepting your imperfections, not toxic perfection.

Note from the editors: If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States and is free, confidential, and available to everyone. Please call: 1-800-273-8255

This post originally appeared on My Peace Project.

Amy is a creator and believes everyone else is too. She strives to be artistic in all areas of life but writing is her passion and her family is her masterpiece. She uses her blog to address the joys and struggles of motherhood and is currently writing her first novel.

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This Teacher Came Up with an Ingenious Way to Help Kids with Their Mental Health

by Shahrzad Warkentin

A high school teacher’s clever idea for a mental health check-in chart for her students has gone viral—and now it’s helping teens across the country.

Erin Castillo, a teacher at John F. Kennedy High School in Fremont, California, shared the mental health chart she created for her students in an Instagram post that has since gone viral. The chart invites students to write their names on the back of a post-it note and stick the note to the column that best describes how they are feeling on any given day.

The options are, “I’m great”, “I’m okay,” “I’m meh,” “I’m struggling,” “I’m having a hard time and wouldn’t mind a check in” or “I’m in a really dark place.” If students choose one of the last two, Castillo will check in with them privately and refer them to the school counselor.

“I’ve had a lot of students in the last five years of my career that have struggled with self-confidence, self-doubt, image, had suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide and, after seeing all that, I’ve been making it a theme in my classroom and trying to check in with them,” Castillo said.

It has also become a useful tool for kids struggling academically as well, Castillo explained. “I’ll have a student that will be struggling with something I’m teaching and they’ll put a post-it up instead of raising their hand,” she said.

Not only has Castillo’s post been liked thousands of times, but it has also inspired other teachers to create and share mental health charts of their own. “If it can help one student, then it’d be better than where we’re at now,” Castillo said. “I hope it gets to a place where we can talk about our struggles openly and our mental health. This looks like a step in the right direction.”

—Shahrzad Warkentin

Featured photo: Kelli Cessac via Instagram

 

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A Must-Try Kindness App with an Awesome Mission

By Bert Pope

In the popular holiday movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life,” George Bailey is so down on his luck that he contemplates suicide on Christmas Eve. His small business is about to go under. He’s facing ridicule and scandal and jail time. But just as he’s about to make the jump, his guardian angel, Clarence, arrives and shows him what his life would be like if he had never been born. What we soon realize is that George Bailey touched so many lives without knowing it, as do we all.

My family is working to provide a digital form of Clarence. After my wife, Jill, died in 2016 from a texting-while-driving accident, I was left to navigate raising our four children under the age of 10. As a single parent, one of my biggest goals is making sure my children grow into beautiful, kind-hearted adults. As I watch my kids grow up in this new digital social world, I want to help provide them with the best tools possible. Through my research, I discovered that there are no digital tools to create and celebrate kindness.

That’s when my kids and I decided to create the free platform, AWESOME—a social networking game with a mission of having fun to do good. How does it work? Users create kindness challenges and invite their friends to participate and receive points. Users are awarded points when they share the kindness challenge to one social platform, like Twitter or Facebook. Each user’s profile ring changes colors as points accumulate and each new level is celebrated with an animated explosion. Users creating the most viral 30-day kindness challenges get gifts and prizes.

There’s no better feeling than being the recipient of an act of kindness. Someone helping to make your day just a little bit better when you least expect it is a wonderful feeling. Imagine having the person in front of you at the Starbuck’s drive-thru pay for your drink. That one kind act can change your whole day. And the ripple effect it causes are limitless.

Mother Teresa said, “Kind words are short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.” You can perform acts of kindness anonymously…the effect on the giver is still powerful. The giver of kindness not only enjoys the understanding of the recipient being celebrated but the feeling of rewarding another is powerful. If you are feeling sad, mad, angry, depressed, I challenge you to do something nice for someone else. It can be as simple as saying hello to a stranger. I promise you’ll feel better!

I also believe that by doing something nice for others, you will begin to see a transformation in yourself. Getting sucked into the negative thought cycle is easy, especially this time of year. Catch yourself, acknowledge the thoughts and then make a move to a better frame of mind. Breathe. If you feel that powerful weight of anxiety or depression rearing its ugly head, let it come on and then let it go. Focus on the new tasks of good in your life, celebrating the amazingness awesomeness around you.

When you become that ripple effect of kindness, the people around you are in a better place because of you. Friendships, relationships, spouses, kids, pets all benefit because you made a choice to be kind. When you shine your light of kindness, others around you will enjoy and respond accordingly. When you do it as a group, family or couple, you will begin to see a difference in your surroundings.

Let’s make the world more awesome together.

 

Bert Pope, a father of four and the CEO of Awesome Company Worldwide, where he has launched the #BEAWESOME movement to make the world a better place.  Awesome is the social network for kindness, where members are encouraged and rewarded for doing and sharing acts of kindness in their daily lives. 

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Are We Destroying Our Neurodiverse Children?

By Lindsay Leiviska

Too many children are being forced to meet expectations they were never meant to fulfill. Outside-the-box kids were made differently and distinctly with gifts, talents, and purposes. And these outside-the-box kids must be equipped with our love and support to thrive in this world.

We adopted an outside-the-box, high-needs child almost 6 years ago. When our son hit 18 months, he began to destroy our home and our family. His horrific and uncontrollable behaviors included aggression, destruction, and dangerous thrill-seeking acts. He screamed all. day. long. for about three years straight. And he did not sleep more than two hours a time for almost a year and a half. That, of course, made things astronomically worse.

Fortunately, however, God used this four-year experience of misery to radically change me as a mom. During that time, I developed relationships with amazing pediatric specialists. My son’s volatility was beyond anything I could handle on my own, and it forced me into counseling as I faced my own internal junk, which was severely impacting my ability to cope well. God allowed this all to completely transform me as a mother, wife, friend, and educator.

Most importantly, that transformation completely saved my relationship with my biological daughter. Honestly, I believe it has actually saved her life!

Saving My Daughter

At the time that we adopted my son, we had no idea that our daughter was an outside-the-box kid longing to thrive. We didn’t know that she was an Aspie girl. For years, I tried to make her into a social butterfly like her older sister and me. I didn’t understand why she was so “shy.” I worried about her heightened sensitivity level. Her tears, her emotions… I wanted to “fix” her. When she would not do what I wanted when I wanted it, I would become frustrated with her.

And she felt it. She felt my disappointment as well as the disappointment of others when she could not be who they wanted her to be. It kills me to think about what she must have felt about herself knowing that she was never “enough.”

Being “different” was not what made her feel less-than. Nope. It was the messages she was receiving from the world around her—most importantly, in her own home. She was constantly receiving messages that told her she needed to be someone she was not created to be. This is what could have potentially destroyed her sense of self.

I fight the tears right now as I think about what she would have felt and believed about herself if I had continued parenting her with the idea that she needed to be someone different.  Someone who the world wants her to be.

An Overlooked & Suffering Population

Aspie girls are suffering so much… for so many reasons. One of the most crucial reasons that these girls are suffering is because they are being misdiagnosed. They are being completely overlooked because Aspie girls (currently diagnosed as Autism Spectrum Disorder based upon DSM-V) present so differently than boys, and the criteria has been based upon boys. The mental health implications of being missed are astronomical:

  • Anxiety

  • Anorexia

  • Depression

  • Suicide

  • Trauma

Our outside-the-box girls are everywhere, and they do not have to suffer in this way. But sadly, so many have been told throughout their formative years that they are not enough. That they are inherently defective. They have been told that they should not be who they were created to be. That their interests are “weird” and they must change to be accepted. That they must shove their outside-the-box selves into the one-size-fits-all “norm” in order to be valued and loved.

Can you imagine living your life like this? So what do these outside-the-box girls do? What do so many of our outside-the-box kids do?

They hide. at home. alone. There are likely millions of outside-the-box kids out there who are not thriving.

Kids with ADHD, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Auditory Processing Disorder, Learning Differences, Aspies, introverts… whatever. It doesn’t matter if they have a diagnosis or not. Who cares?!!! These kids are everywhere!

Why are we forcing so many gifted, loving, talented, and brilliant people onto the hamster wheel of mental illness?!

‘I’m not good enough.’

‘I always screw up.’

‘I said the wrong thing.’

‘The noise was just too much and I couldn’t handle it.’

‘I cannot focus in a room full of other kids.’

‘What is wrong with me?’

The messages that our children consistently receive from the world are most often the ones that plague them for the rest of their lives.

How many more kids have to scream for help through drug abuse, cutting, suicide, etc… before we take a good look at this one-size-fits-all system that is failing so many children?

We Need to Value Neurodiversity

We say that we value diversity in this country, and yet we have a system set up for one type of child. Our kids have gifts and talents and hearts that just want to love and be loved. Oftentimes, we try to raise our unique kids using the “world’s” expectations as our goal. When our young kids cannot take it any longer, they explode… often times behaviorally. I have learned, by God’s grace, that our children are gifts to this world and need to be raised in a way that allows them to thrive and shine.

Moms, Let’s Be Willing to Parent Differently

Moms, we need one another to be brave for our differently gifted children. Our precious kids who simply long to be their unique selves without constantly butting up against a culture that believes they are inherently defective. Let us rally together and be brave enough to allow our children to flourish as their unique selves regardless of what the parenting peanut gallery says. Let’s put on the mom glasses that allow us to see the gifts, passions, and hearts behind our unique children and then equip them to thrive!

Lindsay Leiviska (MA Teaching) is a homeschool mom of three with over 20+ years experience working with children. The adoption of her son 6 years ago transformed her as a mom. She began A Heart for All Students with the mission is empower outside-the-box kids by equipping their amazing mommas. 

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